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Op-Ed: “They Heard Such Amazing Things, But They Don’t Think It’s Shayech”

CrownHeights.info received the following op-ed form a Shidduch-aged girl who is frustrated that parents of eligible boys keep turning her down for reasons that have nothing to do with her – nor with what should matter to the prospective Bochur:

by Anonymous

“They heard such amazing things, but they don’t think it’s Shayech.”

After doing my research and getting my hopes up that this could be ‘the one,’ within two hours of speaking to the Shadchan, these six words popped up on my screen. Six simple words, yet they pierced right through my heart.

What I am about to speak about, is not only for myself. I just recently started Shidduchim, and have -thank G-d – only encountered this a couple of times.

I speak for those who have heard this time after time.

I speak for those who are constantly judged just from a piece of paper, a phone call, or the hearing of a name.

I speak for those who want nothing more in the world then to find their other half.

I speak for those who just don’t have the strength to speak for themselves anymore.

 

So, if you really heard such amazing things, then why exactly is it not Shayech? Because you skimmed my profile and right then and there decided that I wouldn’t be fit for your son? But how did you decide that quickly? Did you even bother calling my references? Or you did call, but you found out that my family is not wealthy enough for you? Or is it because we don’t have good enough Yichus? Or is it because I come from a more modern family? Or maybe we’re too frum? Because my parents are divorced? Because we went to a different school that doesn’t share your beliefs? The list can go on and on.

I know you couldn’t have said no to me because of my outstanding Midos. Or my genuinely big heart? Or how about my caring and loving personality?

But wait… you wouldn’t even know that about me because you didn’t even take the chance to find out about ME. It’s more important to you that you find out if I come from a picture perfect family. After all, your son will be marrying my family, not me. Right….?

You are sadly mistaken.

The person that your son will wake up to everyday is his wife.

The person with whom your son will bring children into this world, to raise them in a life with Torah and Mitzvos, is his wife.

The person who your son will IYH grow old and gray with is… you guessed it, his wife.

So why do you overlook who I am as a person? Why is my family more important than me?

If I come from a more religious family, does that guarantee that my husband and children will stay religious?

If my family has money, does that guarantee ultimate happiness for my husband and children?

If I have Yichus, does that mean we’re good people?

 

So it’s not Shayech, huh?

I can imagine your face as you read this article and think back to all those amazing girls you turned down because of such ignorant, selfish and superficial reasons.

I really don’t want to come off sounding condescending or rude, but if someone offers you a diamond, would you turn it down? I highly doubt it. Even if you don’t like where that diamond originated from, you would take it and cherish it.

Now I am not saying that family isn’t important. It is very important. It’s important to know that your son will be welcomed with open and loving arms into my not-so-picture-perfect family of really awesome people.

 

Before I end off, let me take a moment and apologize to your son for you.

I’m sorry that you are 28 and still sitting at home single, even though you are too seeking your other half.
I’m sorry that your mother/parents want something totally different for you than what you know you need and deserve.

I’m sorry that all these amazing girls are being judged unfavorably on your behalf.

And to the parent/s I say, you can just skip the “you heard amazing things” line next time. No need to sugarcoat it. If the reason you’re saying no is really something you believe in, then be real and say it as it is. Who are you trying to fool exactly?

Signed,
Someone who has decided to finally speak out

 

P.s. Word of advice: Speak to your kids. Find out what they really want in a spouse. I do believe that deep down inside, you do care and want what’s best for them. Every parent does.  So find out what that may be instead of getting caught up in other unimportant matters. Please. I beg of you. They really do deserve to find someone who will make them happy. We all do.

32 Comments

  • 1. DG wrote:

    It works the other way around, too. Bochurim also hear the infamous, “but I don’t think it’s shayach.” Yesher koach for speaking out, and may neurotic parents come to their senses for the sake of their sons and daughters.

  • 2. Well Said wrote:

    I’m a guy that read your article and can really relate.

    Thanks for posting!

  • 4. KOL HAKOVOD!! wrote:

    Very well said!! You actually are speaking on behalf of a plethora of incredibly wonderful girls who have so very much to offer, but are being turned down for not the most important reasons.

    True story: Several years ago, a parent passed away. I overheard one friend saying to the other: “What a shame so-and-so did not have the zchus to walk his/her “child” to the chupa”. The friend responded: “It is a shame! But the biggest shame is that the “child” was offered so many wonderful names that were turned down over and over again by this very same parent!” PS- This “child” is still not married:(

  • 5. your yichus is lame and so are you wrote:

    if you turn down a shidduch because you think your yichus is more impressive then you should take the picture of the Rebbe down off of your wall. you are not better than anyone. you not not more lubavitch because of what your great grandparents did. you are just a selfish arrogant elitist. The so called shidduch crises is entirely self inflicted by those who somehow think they are better than others. This is why your daughters will keep getting older and older and not find a husband

  • 6. A parent of a son wrote:

    It works both ways. Plenty of parents of girls say no, it’s not for her, for the exact same reason. Their daughter may be comfortable with the kind of bochur he is, but the parents may want a boy that already has a potential Shlichus or idea of exactly what he wants to do, or wonderful but they want only a bochur who is in yeshiva full time

    Hashem is mizaveg zivugim and if it’s not the intended one there will be some excuse. It’s not personal, we need patience,, and bitachon. Bashert is bashert and all the excuses given, is Hashem guiding us to the bashert, ubkoroiv mamosh

  • 7. Familiar wrote:

    15 years ago ( now married) I went through the Same thing and honestly I don’t see any solution. . It’s brutal and humiliating and unfortunately it will always be this way. The only hope of getting thru this time is a good support system( parents siblings friends…)

  • 8. Obviously, that's true, I agree.. wrote:

    But were you told reasons why they turned you down? You were just not what they are looking for. I’m also asingle girl just starting in shidduchim and the truth is I don’t want to date just any guy who has amazing middos, I’m going to date people who I feel would be a good match for me, and have other qualities that are important for me. Don’t worry, your equally great guy is out there :)

  • 9. @Anonymous wrote:

    The mother or whoever wrote it probably has a valid reason why they said its not shiach. They probably didn’t want to hurt you and wrote that figuring it was the easiest way and also true. But nonetheless, you also deserve the best and be with someone who appreciates you so forget about them and move on, you’ll iyh find your basheret soon:)

    • 10. zz wrote:

      Obviously you are not on the “shiduch market” nor a parent of one, because you have no clue what’s going on out there.

  • 11. funny wrote:

    While I feel for you, you sadly are not seeing the whole picture.
    Most times, when a parent writes those words they are only passing on a message. Most, if not all 28 year old single guys make their own decisions and have stopped relying on their parents for shidduchim. If a mother is still involved in the shidduch, it is only to be a buffer between her son and relaying bad news to the girl and shadchanim.

    Being a single guy myself, I have used my parents countless times to turn down girls due to attraction issues or just not being into the date. To protect myself against dates I know will not work, I use my parents to relay the bad news so shadchanim will not question and push the subject. Once I have made a decision it is my parents job to deflect the questions and nagging while I focus on a girl that I feel would work better for me.

    I do truly feel for you, however know that these days yichus excuses and mothers controlling their older children are not as common. It is the boys decision , and theres nothing more that can be done. While you were excited about the date, he can have an entire different perspective and outlook

    I wish you the best of luck

    • 12. "Countless times?" wrote:

      I’m not saying that this applies to you, but some guys (and girls) are serial daters. They’re not really interested in getting married, yet they continue to go on “countless” dates. It’s not fair for the professional daters to waste everyone’s time, especially if the other party is truly interested in finding a spouse. Most likely, being too picky, too immature, and too indecisive are to blame when someone dates “countless” times for years and years and never gets married.

  • 13. I wish you much success! wrote:

    I do think that once a single reaches unquestionable adulthood or has been dating for several years, it is time for the parents to step aside and let the single himself or herself deal with shadchanim and maybe get a sibling or friend to handle the inquiries. What the parents view as shayach and what someone else would see as a possibility could be very different.

  • 14. Realistic wrote:

    Thank you for the thoughtful op-ed. As I was reading it, I tried to imagine how it would sound coming from your voice. Perhaps it’s your frustration, but it comes across as argumentative and accusatory. I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of a conversation with a person who spoke to me like this. I would feel like saying, “Take a time out and let’s speak again after you’ve calmed down.”

    Your words are directed at parents who have unfortunately rejected you. If you said these words to their faces, do you think they’d be more likely to accept you or relieved that they had made the right decision?

    Marrying a young man means marrying into his family (and vice versa). If the parents are making the choices, it’s logical for them to reject people who they suspect will not fit in with them.

    Be strong, carry on, don’t give up… but also don’t expect things to change very much. Acknowledge your frustration, and move on with a clear mind. We all hope for you that something great will come along and that you’ll have a lifetime of happiness.

  • 15. Moshe wrote:

    I can relate to everything written in this article. Getting turned down after a date is one level of disappointment, but not even being given an opportunity for a date is completely unfair. I am in my early 40s and have never had the opportunity to be married. I can trace my yichus to the Vilna Gaon but nobody cares because “he is a misnagid”.

    • 16. Try where you will be more appreciated wrote:

      Why not try in other circles, where they will appreciate the Vilna Gaon connection?

    • 17. There are many older girls wrote:

      you need to pound the pavement. If you are looking for a 21 year old, forget it. Be realistic, & go to the many Shadchanim, go to Hineni, put yourself out there.

  • 18. Well written - to the point wrote:

    Just experienced the exact situation. So true – who suffers????? their own son. Saying goes…what saychel will not teach you…..time will. Time will teach them about what is truly important in life. Your bashert should come very soon and he will be one lucky guy!

  • 19. chayaf wrote:

    its really sad…4000 lubavitcher families and more around the world and only two or three people get engaged a week!!!! What is going on???????

    its a crazy judgemental time…a time of incredible darkness, lies and foolishness, and I can only think..that Amalek is waging war against us physically with his representatives on earth…and spiritually by preventing children to be born by making shidduchim impossible to conclude, and by people passing judgement so quickly and without thought.
    HaShem yerachem ….

  • 20. Mishagas stupidity wrote:

    #5’s reply is great yes it happens on both sides many times its the so called shadchan who decides the criteria of many parents is warped they want perfection including money yichus etc, look around do you see anyone with money or yichus married going out or engaaged to a bt or someone who is not of that calibur? what’s going on s a crisis totally wrong totally artificial etcf.

  • 21. Agree 100000 percent wrote:

    Amazing Article in my opinion!!

    To #6- I’m sure she means both ways, she was just writing from her side of things.

    To #13-it sounds like she is just trying to bring out a point. It MAY be harsh, but unfortunately sometimes that’s the only way.

    And the point doesn’t seem to be that they said no. It’s how they can say no just within a few minutes (2 hrs after speaking with the shadchan)!! That is not nearly enough time to do research!!!

  • 22. Bella wrote:

    Hashem willing you will have gone through all this in order to find your bashert!!

    Hold on a little longer, have emunah!

  • 23. #4 wrote:

    How do you know why she was turned down? How do you know she is better than the boy? I think the way it is put is very kind, nice, and sensitive. She may be an amazing girl but not the kind this boy wants. The mother should say my son doesn’t want to go out with you because you are too smart, too stupid, too kind, too mean, he is intimidated by your family, he doesn’t want to go into your dysfunctial family. What, hurt you? This is the kindest wa of doing it

  • 24. #15 wrote:

    Why is their son suffering? Maybe the parents saved him from a girl who is not what he is looking for. Don’t blame others. What did you see in this boy? Maybe they don’t see this in you.

  • 25. boo hoo wrote:

    U need an attitude adjustment. Tryy enjoying the single/ dating scene, think of it as -MAN SHOPPING, you like shopping yes?

  • 27. Momma wrote:

    I agree 100%. B”H all my children are settled, so I don’t have any dog in the fight, so here goes.

    MOTHERS – stop with the nonsense! Look into EVERY possibility.

    Accept the fact that your daughter/son may not be exactly as you want them to be? Do you think all MY kids are super Chassidish? Halevi! But they are happily married to spouses who are right for THEM – not necessarily what WE would have wanted. And yes, every single one was a result of a shidduch, not a self-match.

    We also had our share of “it’s not Shayach” & “she/he is busy” when clearly they weren’t. It stings – get over it. Push on. It is irrational, nasty, elitist, etc etc but it happens to us all.

    “It’s not shayach” is meaningless, but what do you want to do? Fight? DEMAND they go out with your child? It doesn’t work like that & besides, do you want to force someone to date your child? I wouldn’t. They said no, it’s no. Move on.

    Most of the time, the reason is because the parents listened to some vicious Loshen Hora. Doesn’t have to be true, but it is certainly effective. Sometimes it’s politics that one side just can’t see past. Sometimes it’s genetic health issues or sholom bayis problems. If you know for sure there will be problems, well, that’s a different matter. But to turn down a great person because Dad is physically ill (not a genetic problem) & you heard he is mentally ill – that is wrong. Do your homework, be 100% sure you have the full & correct story.

    Every one of my children’s shidduchim came through people we know, not professionals. Network, & if your parents aren’t doing the job, do it yourself.

    Lastly – I know a couple of AMAZING girls (one actually dated my son but it just wasn’t a good match) I would love to help them – they also aren’t getting any dates. I know the Loshen Hora mills are working overtime, and it’s not justified. I know these girls & their families PERSONALLY & I vouch for them 100%. If you have educated, working/professional sons 23-28 who are looking for frum, classy, aidel & well-rounded American girls, please contact me on needaspouse@mail.com – NOT gmail! I am NOT a professional Shadchan but it hurts me to see wonderful people being rejected for no real reason.

  • 28. just lunch wrote:

    Gotta change how ppl look at things. You never even went out with the guy so why do you feel rejected? Its not like you want out on 5 dates and then he stopped going out…

    Ppl need to chill and stop being so uptight. I know countless people that don’t go out with someone who other people think would be perfect for them, and this only because they are scared to reject or get rejected. If someone says no after the first date then they just don’t click, its nothing personal! The system should change to first dates bring just coffe with no pressure to follow up etc…

  • 29. no one special wrote:

    Your frustration is understandable. You have not suggested a solution. The problem is ancient; Avrohom Aveenu had to find a daughter-in-law from afar.
    Some have suggested to look elsewhere, as did many Lubavitcher families in their early days in The United States. Many of those rock-solid (mixed) marriages produced much of the “cream of Lubavitch”.
    There is a solution that does not require others to think the way you would like, but requires you to look elsewhere.
    May you soon stand under the chuppa with the man who loves you.

  • 30. so called shiduch crisis wrote:

    Most times we see older un married ppl it because of the patents. Most of the children don’t care so much about the family. But the parents want to feel good so its not suitable

  • 31. May the Merit of the Avos Protect Us wrote:

    Yitzchok Avienu’s brother was wild-man Yishmael.

    Yaakov Avienu’s twin brother was murdering, adulterous, thieving Eisav. Yaakov was a broke shepherd with no solid prospects when he got engaged.

    Rivka, Rochel, and Leah Imeinu had a prominent relative who was known (certainly by Yaakov Avienu) to be a cheat and swindler with entitlement issues. (And yes, the wife’s brother in Rivka Imeinu’s case may have been a siman, as one should look at the wife’s brother… but Hashem chose that shidduch anyways.)

    Yehuda had a more than questionable relationship with Tamar (the widow of his passed sons), despite being technically kosher.

    Who did Yosef marry exactly?

    Moshe Rabbeinu married not only a convert, but the daughter of an extreme experimenter of world religions who remained openly not confident and doubting of the Jewish G-d until after yetziyas Mitzrayim. More than that, at least according to Rashi she was talked about in disparaging terms to ward off the evil eye (caused by jealousy and usually mixed with loshon hara).

    Dovid Ha’Melech was ostracized as a youth because he descended from Boaz and Rus… and people speculated (talked Loshon Hara) that Rus was the literal cause of Boaz’s passing.

    Enough on yichus and family… regarding Parnossa, the Gemara is very explicit in a number of sources that the wife is the source of all of a husband’s financial blessing… to the extent that the wife is even sometimes referred to as “bread”.

  • 32. Anonymous wrote:

    People really aren’t as neurotic as you think. They are probably rejecting you for one of the following reasons:

    A) You are overweight
    B) You need a nose job
    C) You are just eccentric enough to scare away the kind of guys you are looking for, but not eccentric enough that your support system will point this out to you (I was shocked by how easily I could attract men I was interested in when I starting wearing all-black, with high heels and hair extensions instead of my usual zany prints and sandals).
    D) You don’t have a real job or course of study (everyone knows it takes two incomes these days)
    E) Your references are bad mouthing you behind your back (get someone you know and trust to call them and pretend to be a boy’s mother).
    F) Your mashpia as playing “safe” and telling you to go after the same few guys everyone else’s mashpia recommends because she doesn’t want to go to gehinnom for approving a baal teshuva who didn’t do a year in Yeshiva.
    G) Your mashpia is telling you to date within a range of men who are gold diggers, and everyone knows that your folks are bankrupt.
    H) You have some obsolete criteria, like insisting that the guy must have a car and drive out to pick you up (many guys who can afford cars live in the city, choose to take the subway and don’t want to shlep out to wherever for a mere date when there are plenty of girls within walking distance).

    There. I just gave you a whole list of possible (POSSIBLE) reasons why you keep getting turned down.

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