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Op-Ed: Our Schools Must Teach Derech Eretz

by Anonymous

Recently I took a trip with my nieces and nephews to visit my parents, their grandparents. The kids are two, four, and six years old, which means their enrollment in the Crown Heights school systems has varied from one year to three years, to none. They are sweet children, reminding me of all that is pure and good, and of complete naivety. On this trip, they also reminded me of something else.

Children are majorly impressionable. They hear one thing on Sunday and on Tuesday they are reciting it verbatim, a declaration their little mouths had very little say in repeating. Phrases that I have heard over the weekend include “I hate you,” “I hope you die,” “I hope you are poisoned,” “you’re not Tznius, I don’t have to listen to you,” and “you’re ugly.” While children will be children, I find myself wondering where they have heard this from. Do all kids say nasty things when they are upset? Do all “Crown Heights” kids? As if it is not enough that these remarks are being said altogether, I have overheard them being said not only to myself, but to their parents and grandparents – the people who love them most and would give away an arm and a leg without a thought to keep them safe and healthy.

There are any things to be thankful for that undoubtedly come from our schooling systems. My nieces can recite Perek Lamed Beis of Tanya at age six, an admirable feat. Later they will learn that Chapter Lamed Beis teaches us never to judge another Jew as we have no idea of one’s spiritual status over another’s. Driving back to New York I hear the little one murmuring Shema as she falls into a blissful sleep induced by a gargantuan abundance of snacks. It is moments when my nephew exclaims triumphantly “Baruch Hashem!” that I look heavenward and communicate silently, “Do you see G-d, what we are living for? For this!”

I can easily dismiss when, upon walking down Eastern Parkway the children point to a black man and a chorus innocently broadcasts to whoever may be listening, “He is a Goy! He is a Goy!” They are children learning to identify what exactly makes them special, albeit demonstrated tactlessly. What I absolutely cannot dismiss is chutzpah. Specifically, a complete lack of respect in a situation where it is essential, and where it is not given. I have watched their mother tell them repeatedly what is, and is not acceptable, but to no avail. Not only do I have a sneaking suspicion that this complete disregard for respect is coming from their school system, I know it. I know this because (as always, the skeletons make their way out of the closet) I went to one of these schools. I learned a lot from school, a lot of disrespect.

The solution is not to contradict and disrespect teachers and principals. That will only do more harm, confusing our children even more than before. Humbly, I suggest we take action now. We brainstorm together. What priorities do we want to teach our children, and what priorities can we teach less of. While memorizing Tanya deserves praise, suggest more time spent on teaching children of all ages what the Hebrew words they are saying mean. What does it mean that all Jews should not be judged for their level of religiosity? A dress code is imperative, but what is equally, if not more important is addressing Tznius on a holistic level. What does it mean to behave in a modest way? Is grabbing modest? Is throwing a tantrum in a public place modest?

For clarity’s sake, I am not suggesting we change our priorities. I am encouraging that we inspect, analyze, and remodel them.

One more thing must be addressed. That is the problem of emotional communication. Let’s be honest, there must be some reason our children feel that saying “I hope you are poisoned” is necessary. Most likely they were prevented from having dessert before dinner. Any emotionality is legitimate if channeled correctly, and this should be our focus. Not only are our children heard, as adults we trust their feelings as our own. As educators, our focal point should be in teaching our students how to communicate their feelings and needs in an environment where they recognize that respectful expression is safe.

Who knows, with all this prioritized teaching we might learn a thing or two.

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29 Comments

  • Teacher

    I am a teacher in Crown Heights and I completely agree with you. However, it is not just the schools. Walk into any store on Kingston and you will witness kind, soft people being eaten alive. Unfortunately, NEW YORK IS A RUDE PLACE to bring up children. The schools need to work on this, and the parents need to make love and respect a priority at homes.

  • Aaron Cohen

    An old adage goes like this “From his behavior one can see what type of family he’s comes from” (rough translation of original yiddish) yes I know that things are much different today in as much that must of their time is in school etc. etc. etc. BUT at the end of the day it’s your child your choice of school and last but NOT least children emulate their parents ( and if not what does that say about the parents ).

    The bottom line is children CAN’T be treated like ones garden where you hire a gardener to water trim and maintain its growth children should be treated like ones own body where every detail is cared for……

    I rest my case; just food for thought and don’t give this food to the gardener, eat it, think it, DO IT,

    Ah gezuntin zumer

  • talk to the parents

    the teachers teach plenty of derech eretz but when a child sees their parents acting in a bad way everything the kid learned in school goes out the window and the kid will follow in the steps of his parents

    99% of children pick up day to day life from their parents, and sometimes from their friends.

    stop blaming schools blame the parents

  • Father knows best

    I think that teaching derech eretz is in the parents realm, not the schools. Parents must lead by example and reinforce proper conduct. If children have a strong foundation from the home, they will not be influence negatively by what they see in school and elsewhere.

  • MOISTLY UP TO THE PARENTS

    Teach act and do derech eretz and you children will emulate. Don’t get me wrong the schools are far from perfect, but most teaching (behavior wise, which is the important teaching) comes from the home.

    A parent who feels your pain

  • Respect begins at home

    Kids will only be disrespectful to parents long-term if the parents allow it. Stop them immediately and ask them to tell you in a nice way. Also, validate their feelings, talk with them, and don’t speak badly yourself about their teachers, administration…etc.

  • Concerned mom

    Again with the schools….

    Derech eretz comes through home emulations. B”H my kids have derech eretz, and it’s not easy to teach. They do just fine in school, and many of their classmates do behave differently. I will NOT point the finger at the teacher, which happens to be a great, disciplining Rebbi.

  • Parent who would put name but protecting

    A parent from out of town

    I feel for you but they will grow up & give you lots of Nachas.

    I don’t know why you are so shockt in the last few months that I
    have been dealing with the “ yeshiva” system (post high school)
    to get my son in to a “Zal” I have been told a lot worse from the
    “ Rosh Yeshiva”.

  • A parent

    I somehow think this is something that definitely comes from HOME, not so much from school, as written here; Middos, Hakorus Hatov, Derech Eretz etc, are all brought from home to school, not the other way round . . . what the child sees and hears at home is what is most essential! thats what they reflect the most;
    As a parent we owe it to our kids to be a Dugmah Chay, on a daily basis, its US they emulate , NOT their teachers.. . . Of course there are some Rebbes who have no tact or sensitivity towards their pupils, but they SHOULD NOT be there, because the pain they inflict on those of our kids, who may not, perhaps, ‘toe the line’ is life long; and the things they may say to them is beyond all imagination . . but the vast majority of our kids everyday behavior, or lack of it, is from US, their parents;

  • Shmu York

    wherever you go, there you are.

    i find the same but we work on table manners, derech eretz. respect for all people is a big one, the post woman, the garbage men, etc. and there is nothing wrong with correcting a child with love in public, like:

    look at Mr. So and So, he is speaking with you. Thank u from all of us, etc.
    its a bit of a cop out to say we live in a rude city.

  • clarification

    I have to disagree very strongly with the writer and I see most comments agree with me. I am a teacher in one of the Crown Heights pre schools. My students come into my class ..they are not 3 years old yet. So they just recently learned how to talk and have never yet been exposed to school…..only to their home. And these almost 3 year old (of course not all of them , but unfortunataly many) come in with attitude and chutzpa that if I did not see this with my own eyes I would not believe it. From hearing how many of the parents talk I am 100% sure that this comes from their home. This does NOT come from the school

  • gfvb

    it comes from home, but you guys are also forgetting, a lot of it is nature….don’t blame parents entirely as well.

  • Rivki

    education starts from home. I think if you introduce your children to the fact that not everyone acts in the right way, and model for them how TO act in the right way, that will do a lot more than pushing it on the schools, ATHOUGH THEY SHOULD AS WELL

  • Nobody

    I think this article has it completely wrong. The kids learn, not from parents telling the kids how to behave, but by emulating the parent’s behavior. Parents may tell their kids to be respectful, but speak badly about the teachers in their presence, do not show respect themselves, etc.

    Although the parents are the primary drivers, there is another driver – peers. When you send your kids to a school where other parents are not teaching their kids Derech Eretz, they are learning from those friends. (This is one of the reasons smaller communities don’t have the problem – the parents are too close with the teachers and with community members in general to be that disrespectful in front of the kids).

    So now what the school needs is some way to combat the inherent lack of Derech Eretz coming from the children’s home, even if it isn’t your home. That is not an easy problem, and if you have solid suggestions by all means. But it isn’t about “teaching derech eretz.”

  • Chinuch

    I think there are some misunderstandings about what are the responsibilities of teachers and parents.

    first of all, lets understand what is a teacher…
    there are two types of teachers:
    1. A Melamed – a teacher
    2. A Mechanech – an educator

    The difference is, a Melamed teaches a certain subject, and his job is to make sure the student understands what he learns, and that his learning skills improve etc…
    the job of a Mechanech, is to give an education to the student, this is not just about teaching a certain subject, but about teaching how to be a better person, by working on the students weaknesses, and enhancing his Sechel and Midos etc…

    Every parent has to be a Mechanech, a parent should not only care and work on his children’s academic growth, but also on their growth in other aspects of life, such as behavior and spirituality.

    In regards to teachers, a good teacher will also be a Mechanech.

    I’ll leave the rest for you guys to come to your own conclusions

    Everybody, please do yourself and your children a favor, please learn a bit about chinuch, a good start would be Klolei Chinuch Vehadrach – there is an english translation of it “Principles of Education and Guidance – ISBN: 0-8266-0457-9”

  • Concerned in MA

    Children learn from what they are exposed to…family, friends, playgroups, TV (I realize no one reading this lets their kids watch TV..)in stores, at the park….the list goes on. Parents need to gently correct a child and educate as to why a comment is inappropriate the FIRST time it is said. Many kids have no issues until exposed to others in school, but as soon as an issue pops up, it needs to be dealt with.
    A big question is… do you present a good example in front of your kids? I would say that many do, but if you read all the comments of all the stories posted on this site, it isn’t too hard to figure where some of the inappropriate things that kids say comes from.
    I have read some of the most unkind, rude, demeaning comments on this site…aimed both at the non-Jew and the Jew who takes a stance that the commenter disapproves of. If a person expresses such thoughts in a public commentary, is it too far-fetched to think that some of the same thoughts may be expressed in front of the children?
    What I find disheartening is that many of the same commenters will end their comments with Moshiach Now! Is this really the type of enviorment in which we would want to see Moshiach Now occur?

  • To #13

    Sounds like I could have written that same comment!!! I got told this year many times by one of my students, “You’re a stupid Morah”, “I’m gonna kick you” “I don’t like you” etc. By a 3 1/2 year old!!! Yes, our kids will pick things up in school – good & bad, but as parents we have to nip it in the bud & give a consequence the 1st time our child opens their mouth with language or a tone that is unacceptable!

  • Seen enough

    Derech Eretz Kodmah LaTorah!
    This is taught before school even begins!
    Parents-It is not the schools job to raise your children!

  • Why must the school cleanup after you??

    Each parent must ensure that his/her child is brought up with these values (then the school can build on it starting from age 3). why is it that in this community people expect core values to begin at age 3?? and only during the hours when their child is in school??!

  • Basic Self Respect

    I definitely agree with the writer! Derech eretz, and the overall emotional health of children, does begin in the home. From day 1, they learn to emulate their parents’ behaviours in every way, including in communication, dealing with stress and not getting what they want. Unfortunately, many parents do not stress appropriate behaviour strongly enough.
    However, it is the job of the school to enforce proper rules of respect to oneself, one’s peers, and one’s teachers during school hours. I went to both Lubavitch and non Lubavitch schools, and unfortunately, the lack of basic respect in our schools is striking. I feel that this is the most important priority of education. In fact, this comes before Talmud Tora (and Chassidus). There is a reason for this. Without the humility it takes to be quiet and listen (to both teachers and other students) one can not learn. I believe that this, among a few other factors, is the reason why the school system is so poor. The schools should crack down on the students, enforce very specific rules about how they are allowed to behave (I am not referring to their dress, rather their conduct). Before anyone can start learning, they have to learn to respect themselves and their teachers.

  • what do you expect

    when most of these children are being brought up by non-jewish nannys, uninterested parents, in the rudest town in the world…

  • To #22

    youre idea sounds good, but you know good and well that schools who enforce appropriate behavior are shunned by the SAME PARENTS who complain about “the schools” that have the issue. charity begins at home. You know it, dear reader, and dont fool yourself.

  • ironic

    Writting op-eds against the schools is nust about the most destructive thing you could do for you children or grand childrens chinuch. When you disrespect the schools so badly, to the extent of writting publicly against them, why do you wonder about your childrens disrespect. Comical if not sad.

  • What I witnessed.........

    I went to a 1st Grade parent orientation for my son’s general studies class.
    While the teacher was talking to us parents about what she expects from our boys and her disciplining strategies a couple of parents were acting completely inappropriate to the point that it was embarrassing to watch.
    Things like, interrupting the teacher, rolling their eyes, laughing, smirking,saying rude comments, whispering about her to other parents, etc. This was not one couple, but a handful of them.
    It just so happens that throughout the year, the boys that were causing trouble in class, getting detention, going to the principals office, being physically violent, cursing etc. were the children of those MISBEHAVING PARENTS.
    It was so clarifying as to what my role truly is in my children’s lives. I am not a perfect mother and I need to work hard every day to set a good example. At times I slip up and have to correct my behavior. At times I need to tell my children, “guys, Mommy should have said that differently, I a sorry.” Taking the time to correct our mistakes in front of our kids shows them the importance of the right behavior.
    My son’s Rebbe said to me that my son is an example for the class. When those particular children are misbehaving he has said, “Look how —— is sitting quietly and learning. This is what you should be doing right now.” Baruch Hashem, he is a great kiddo and I know I am not doing everything right all the time, but I am on the right path…….. Wishing us all Hatzlacha with our children.

  • Parenting

    It’s unfortunately endemic in lubavitch and for the most part it comes from what the kids see at home. I live in an area where there is boruch Hashem a lot of options in terms of chinuch from the full spectrum (Chaseedish, litvish all the way to modern orthodox). There are some Lubavitch parents that do not send their kids to chabad. I do but have come to realize that it is very difficult choice and each krize has their own strengths and weaknesses:

    Lubavitch chinuch is weak in:

    Derech eretz (like I said, this mostly starts at home but bad behavior of other kids in your child’s class certainly has an impact on your child).

    English studies

    Professionalism and using modern understanding of children’s’ behavior as an effective guide to teaching.

    Lubavitch is strong in:

    Teachers dedication

    Chasidish varmth

    Transmitting Chabad / Rebbe to the students (your obviously not going to get this in a non-lubavitch school)

    This is the gift we inherited and our job is to see whether we can become better where we are weak without sacrificing our strengths.

    I would venture that Lubavitch lacking in derech eretz is one of the last Russian vestiges we need to throw off. The Rebbe had the utmost derech eretz for people even for many that did not deserve it so I don’t understand why it is considerd chasidish to be rude. The less chasidish have taken this to an even lower form where there is brazen chutzpah thrown at rabonim, teachers, shluchim, etc.

  • My 2 Cents

    There’s a third important place besides yeshiva and home where derech eretz must be taught or exemplified- in shul. If Tatty is talking during davening and krias haTorah, what message does that send about basic respect, especially in a makom kadosh?
    And lastly, what about ignoring each other on the street when passing, not even a nod hello?