Posted to Op-Ed on

Op-Ed: Shidduch Crisis or Shadchan Crisis?

by Sara A.

Everyone is saying that there is a shidduch crisis going on these days, but in my experience there is really only a Shadchan crisis.

Many people are using their names as contact people for a particular shidduch, but when an inquiry is made, that person may not even respond or they may take a long time to respond. This is not the way things should be: parents and children wait anxiously for a response. To simply ignore them or take time to respond is not a responsible attitude for a contact person or for a shadchan. So if you are busy and unable to respond properly or in a timely manner, please do not accept the responsibility of being the contact or the shadchan.

So many people out there put their names as shadchanim. They are not necessarily “professional” full time shadchanim. I truly understand that many, perhaps even most, shadchanim mean good. They have good intentions. But the reality of life is that they often work at other jobs, they have families, they are busy….so they may take a long time to respond or to make the necessary contacts and the result is that the single is left hanging. It is my humble opinion that anyone who wishes to be considered a shadchan, has to act the part! In other words, if you want to be doing the mitzvah of a shadchan, then do it all the way.

In the past and perhaps in some chassidish circles even today, professional shadchanim would meet and interview singles and really try to make matches based on compatibility etc. But how are most of the shadchanim on the lists today making shidduchim? In most cases, they simply read a paper or online profile which does not reveal very much about a person and they try to make matches based on that. To be honest, the parents can do that too. That is not a service a parent should have to pay a lot for. And yet many shadchanim keep all the information hidden from parents, as if trying to make it all mysterious and secretive, because they want to make money in the end.

But shidduchim really should not be a mitzvah that is done only for money. Especially the way most shidduchim are being handled today. And if you are in it for the money, please say so. Be open. If a parent does not want to pay in advance then be clear about what you will or will not do. But the main thing is don’t put more blocks to shidduchim. There are already enough blocks and problems. If a parent cannot pay in advance or does not want to pay in advance, and you, as the shadchan, don’t want to handle the shidduch, then turn it over to someone else so it can still be pursued. Why should a potential shidduch fall through because of money? WE all know the financial difficulties of today’s society. That should not be the reason to prevent people from getting married! Why should the children suffer?

I know the Rebbe did advocate going through shadchanim and even paying them to push a shidduch forward…but the Rebbe specified using a shadchan one can trust (meaning you really know that person) and then paying something upfront may be helpful to motivate the shadchan to work faster. But most shadchanim out there are just a name on a list: nobody really knows them and they also are not so motivated because they don’t even know your child personally. (often their response is they will get back to you but somehow they never do…) They do have good intentions but when they get busy, they wont drop all their work to push finding a shidduch for your child. You,the parent, will push to get your child married because you feel the pain of your child every single day. The shadchan does not.

Recently I contacted a shadchan about a particular boy for my daughter and she asked me to send in her profile, which I promptly did. I also requested the boy’s profile which I never received. And not only that, I also got no answer back from the shadchan or even an acknowledgment that my daughter’s profile was received. (at least respond to say e mail has been received and you are working on contacting the other side).

Another time I inquired about a shidduch and the shadchan told me she does not even know the boy. She has no idea why her name was put there as the contact but she would find out about him. And she did not give me any other options of who to contact. If you as a shadchan don’t know the person, then give me, the parent, the name of someone who does know them so I can follow through myself! Don’t keep it all quiet and hush hush.

Another problem that I see is the type of questions being asked on the shidduch questionaires on many websites. Everyone is busy asking about whether the girl wears stockings all the time or if the boy or girl watches movies etc.

We are living in times where things are not the way they used to be. The reality out there is that people are no longer on the level that was in the past. Young bochurim and young girls are not as chassidish (in general, with exceptions of course) as they used to be years ago. But the standards by which we judge a shidduch should not be only on external matters such as whether stockings are worn full time or whether movies are ever watched. Because as long as the boy or girl are on the derech and did not go off the derech in terms of not violating Shabbos, kosher, or basic standards of tznius behavior, then a shidduch should not be rejected if, for example, the boy watches movies at home sometimes but he does not go to a theater or have a TV and he does not shave his beard.

Why do I say that? Because the majority of boys and girls who watch a movie at times do so out of boredom, frustration etc. Girls and boys are getting married older and are bored, unhappy, unfulfilled so they look for different entertainment which they know is not the greatest standard in life but most do not intend to continue with movies after marriage. It is a yetzer hara that they feel is perhaps better than some other yetzer hara.

My point is that the shidduch questionnaires do not get into the real pnimius matters: they only ask a few questions and based on that people try to figure out if the shidduch could work. And many times the questions do not leave room for proper answers so the true picture is not seen through that response. My opinion is many times it is worth the youngsters going out at least once to give things a chance even if it does not look 100% like what the parents were hoping for. Those questionnaires can be misleading. They are not truly informative, they do not really give the correct picture of the person behind the questionnaire. If the single or the parents of the single would meet the potential shidduch in person, their opinion may be completely different than the opinion they form just based on a faulty questionnaire lacking information. (This happened to many people I know)

And there are boys and girls who look outwardly very chassidish , they dress the part, but inside they are corrupt and not living a proper frum life. So the standards of judging a shidduch are also no longer applicable the same way they used to be. We have to really look at the person bpnimius and at their overall hashkofas and ideas and connection to the REbbe and chassidus. There is a so called shidduch crisis but people are rejecting potentially good shidduchim for all kinds of silly reasons and things are not getting better that way. That is part of the crisis.

Now to return to our first topic of this article: The other day a friend of mine contacted a shadchan about a particular boy that she received partial profile of and the shadchan said to her “well let me see if I can add you to the Chicago shidduch group so you can get our e mails.”

My friend asked her what this has to do with the fact that her name was on the profile as the contact person and all she was asking for was the full profile of the boy so she could check into him further. The shadchan totally ignored her request and just repeated “Let me see if I can get you on the e mails.”

How would getting e mails help my friend get the full profile of this boy?? This profile was sent around months ago. (And my friend is already on their e mail list, that is how she got the partial profile in the first place!). So even well meaning groups are not being handled perhaps in the best way… it all depends upon which shachan one contacts for a particular single. If the shadchan is not responsible or reliable, even if the group as a whole is good, the shidduchim don’t progress either in the right direction.

Somehow there is a lot of lack of organization and so much secrecy on the part of shadchanim as if they are holding onto gold and refuse to part with it. What would happen if a shadchan gives a full profile to a mother? Would she steal the identity? Would she run and grab him without going through the shadchan?

It is really pitiful and it happens over and over again. Shadchanim don’t give information requested to parents and somehow shidduchim just fade away and nobody takes action. All the shidduch sites out there and e mail listings have shadchanim as contact people but many of these shadchanim are not responsible in many cases and when they are contacted they don’t do the job properly nor do they give adequate information.

We perfectly understand if a shadchan is busy. But then please have consideration and give out information to the parents and let them proceed. Don’t ignore them, don’t brush them off, don’t withhold information, and certainly don’t make everything seem so secretive. Shidduchim should not be so complicated.

I personally have tried finding shidduchim for my children through various shidduch groups and somehow no shadchanim have done anything or even contacted me. What is the point and use of all the shadchanim listed on these groups when nobody gives information or even takes the case seriously to search for a proper shidduch? Another profile becomes just another number on the list. Your child’s name can remain on a list for years, literally, and not one shadchan will contact you with any suggestions of a shidduch. Chabadmatch personally told me their site encourages parents to be proactive in finding a shidduch but there is no way the parents can access full information and they end up having to go through a shadchan again! What is wrong if parents can see all the information and make a proper choice? Because if parents cannot see enough information, how can they figure out if this person is good for their child? And they rely again on a shadchan to make suggestions and the shadchan does not know your child and therefore suggestions may not be forthcoming at all, or may not be appropriate, so it is a frustrating unproductive cycle!

A shadchan , in my mind, should really interview each potential shidduch (in person or on skype) and then search for the right matches for people. If a shadchan does not have time to be a true shadchan, then don’t call yourself a shadchan. Just call yourself a parent who is helping out. But if you use the term shadchan, you have to be a real shadchan or it is misleading. And if a parent rejects certain shidduchim or the child rejects a shidduch, don’t stop helping them. Don’t stop searching. Keep up the work. I see many shadchanim give up when shidduchim don’t go through as if somehow they take it personally, as if they failed somewhere and no longer want to feel inadadequate.

I once paid $200 in advance to a shadchan to find a shidduch for my daughter. She did not bring me even one shidduch! So I asked her to find someone for my son. She brought one shidduch that did not work out and I never heard from her again. So what is the inyan of paying a shadchan in advance if they don’t do the work? I think it is fine to pay if that person is serious and will work hard to find you the right shidduch. But to pay in advance and get nowhere is not fair! That is why many parents hesitate to give money in advance. Many of us have been burned.

Now getting down to tachlis, here are some possible solutions to the crisis:

Somehow the system we have now is just not going very far and too many young people are sitting and getting older and not finding their match. They are suffering.

1) Maybe in every major city there has to be a group of paid people who just spend time all day making shidduchim and contacting each other to exchange names, profiles etc. People who put their heart and soul into this great mitzvah, who truly interview each single (even on skype) and who really spend the day making matches. (perhaps all parents looking for shidduchim should have to pay, for example, a fee of $20 a month to utilize this service and some wealthy individuals may wish to support such a project as well )

2) To all the singles out there, fix your profiles and make a full profile with your references etc. to be circulated to everyone, and at the end put a contact person who is a family member instead of a shadchan. I have seen time and again the contact people are shadchanim listed on the websites or under certain organizations and believe me, the majority of them are not giving out your information properly or in a timely manner. So choose a proper contact person: a family member (can be a married sister, an aunt, a parent etc.) Things may just move faster. Perhaps at this point in time we need to eliminate shadchanim on the profiles as contact people and put a family member who cares about you as your contact person instead, so when your profile goes around, whether on a chabad site or an e mail shidduch group, a parent looking at your profile can contact your family member directly to get things moving. And make sure on any website you sign up with, you enable the option “visible to all” (for your contact information): not only should shadchanim see your contact information but so should parents. What do you think will happen if you do that? You just might end up getting married!

3) This is not intended to hurt anyone, but in my opinion one solution to the shidduch crisis is to eliminate the third party syndrome, which basically means having to rely only on shadchanim. That way two families have the option to contact each other (even if through a third party, meaning not necessarily the parents directly) and they can discuss the potential shidduch for their children. We should not have to be stuck relying on shadchanim who are busy and who may actually not end up doing much. Many successful shidduchim happen through family members, friends, or even parents directly speaking….it was always that way in the past, and in fact often the best shidduchim happen like that. Why do we feel we need to work through shadchanim if it is creating blocks and slowing the process down tremendously. So again, make sure to have a family contact on the profile that is visible to all (not only shadchanim) because shadchanim may NOT be giving that information out when people contact them. There could be many parents inquiring about you as a single but you would never know about it and the shadchan may never follow through. The person who handles your shidduch has to be a person you personally can trust and who really knows you and cares for you! The best is a family member that will follow through on shidduchim with care and sensitivity.

4) Let’s remember please: once someone is married, they tend to forget the pain and suffering that singles go through. The only people who truly think about you 24/7 are your parents or family members.

There are shadchanim who put their personal agendas into making shidduchim and who basically have their own emotional or psychological motivations. But the reality is that the singles are suffering! The singles are putting on age and are getting discouraged and the shadchanim are still holding onto information like it is a huge secret that they cannot divulge to anyone.

5) Also, it is my suggestion that when a potential shidduch looks possibly good, a date on skype (if they are both not in the same town) may be useful. One date by skype cant really hurt. It removes a lot of doubts and questions. Because many times people don’t like to spend money to travel to different cities so starting out by skype can be useful until they see if there is real interest. It is better than postponing things, waiting for people to travel only to find out it is not even a match. Then the boys typically grow weary of spending money and they simply give up. It does not have to be that way.

The purpose of this article is not to chasve shalom put anyone down or criticize people. Nobody should take anything personally. It is not meant as an accusation. It is just to make people aware of what is going on in reality and to try to find practical solutions because children are suffering, parents are suffering and we need to see our children get married and establish frum homes. If we see the current system is a failure, why continue on this path of failure!? Let’s change strategy for the good of everyone. At least those of us who have not found a mazal working through the usual system.

Thank you for your understanding. May we hear good news from one another and find the right keli to work through, as ultimately everything is min hashomayim – but we have to make a keli b’teva for the bracha to rest on.

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63 Comments

  • Fed Up

    thank you for saying it like it is. The situation cannot continue this way.There must must be a central committee who have all the names and have time to dedicate for this urgent matter.Chasing around shadchanim and waiting for call backs is getting ridiculous.A handful of people cannot possibly handle hundreds of phone calls and meanwhile another week and another month go by with singles in pain. On another note where are the friends???On the girls end there seems to be a terrible attitude.Girls who were zocheh to get married early will walk by single classmates with their noses in the air especially if they feel they married BIG names and will not even say hello thus causing more pain instead of trying to make shidduchim for others.They know the girls and their chassanim know the boys better than any shadchan will ever know!For shame! Open your yearbooks get on the phone this is also shlichus!May we be zocheh to share simchas and thank you for this real down to earth article.

  • ayl

    now that you got that off your chest.
    please heed your own words and become a shadchan yourself.
    Be a positive role model and i am sure other shadchanim will follow your example.

    its your responsibility to follow thru with the shadchanim.
    again and again until you get the info you need.
    shadchanim have lives too. just like we do. over 90% of them got called “shadchan” because they got lucky helping their friends to find their bashert. and they do it in their “spare” time.

    they dont do it full time. they dont get paid for the countless hours spent on the phone and internet.
    I am sure if you offered a “shadchan” an hourly rate you would get platinum service.
    anyways my experience of shadchanim is they are as good as the girls and boys they know.

    People shouldnt just give their info to one shadchan and sit and wait.
    The more shadchanim that your your childs profile the more chances your child has of finding their bashert.
    Hatzlocho to us all!
    ps the purple shadchan rocks!!!

  • thanks

    Wow I couldn’t have put it any better!
    You addressed each and every single issue I and others have.
    Thanks for bringing it out in the open and to everyones attention1

  • a son of a shadchan

    what a stupid article, this person does not know half of what a shadchan really goes through, and the money part of it, is way not worth the headache.

  • Been there done that

    1. chas veshalom not chasve shalom. transliterate properly woman!!!
    2. You are rambling and make very invalid arguments. To counter each one with sense will take to long but you have no sturctured thought process here.
    3. For anyone who wants the short version: Im a frustrated mom with kids in shidduchim and i want to rant to anyone who will listen!

  • Rivkie

    I agree totally. Somehow the “system” we are using today is just not working and we need to rethink our strategy for shidduchim. it is not fair that so many young people are not married yet and are having so much difficulty finding a shidduch. May Hashem really intervene to help everyone. But it does make sense that many so called shadchanim are not really doing the job that a shadchan entails and it makes real sense for parents to be able to get contact information for a shidduch and go forward without having to work through a shadchan. (of course if someone wants to work through a shadchan kol hakavod…but if someone does not, there should be a better system)

  • payments

    1 shachdanim need training
    2 shachdanim should only charge upon shidduch completition ,but like a Reas estate transaction , 5 k ,10k (in stallments)

    alternative
    to be an official shachdan , needs to have cartification
    it should be like MLS list with pics and profiles ,and all the certified shachdanim should have access to it
    Besides training certification ,he/she to be fit for the title ,needs to be
    fully engaged ,emotional tuned as well have a special training in negotiaitons

  • aunt

    Sara A,
    thankyou. You are clear, your really thought this out, and you’re speaking and sharing advice for those of us who don’t see the “big picture” as you seem to.
    You certainly know how the Abishter cares about how one yid is an advocate for another.
    Another point I just heard mentioned is that when some people do their checking on a potential shidduch name, they call their own contacts who may know this person. The point was made that when an opinion from the person is made, that it is important to go to about 2 other people to substantiate that information. The person could be making a mistake or could have an attitude on the person you are checking on. If you have 3 people who tell you the same information, you are more likely to know that it is substantial information.
    May all of the Abishter’s kinder have hatzlacha finding their bashert and may they grow with their bashert, closer and closer to being the best they can be, be ezras HaShem.

  • friend

    #1 and #2 your response is wrong. This article is by some one who is definitely hurting. She had the guts to write some thing that is very true. Shadchonim should realize what a serious thing they have taken upon them selves. And if they cant handle it get out of this business, all you are doing is hurting and upsetting people.

  • Fed up

    First of all, are you trying to justify the fact that you watch movies, etc. by saying that times have changed? Guess what? I am living in these same times and B”H -no movies …
    2)Get a life! The reason there are so few shadchanim, is because it is a very difficult job, with people like yourself, who can drive a shadchan to drink!
    3) you can’t expect someone to not have other jobs and do solely shidduchim, or they would go broke! I try helping people with shidduchim and if I divide even $2000 (which you don’t usually get) by the amount of hours you put in, you probably are making a dollar or two an hour.
    4) Instead of appreciating that someone is trying to help, even if only a short time a day, shadchanim are always criticized. Trust me. It’s not fun. People make you chase them! I get the feeling like some parents don’t care. Why should I have to chase you, when it’s your child. If everyone returned calls, and was prompt with doing research and not shlep for 3 weeks, keeping the other side waiting, life would be a lot easier for the shadchan, and she/he may just be a little more excited to help! and there may just be a few more shadchanim around…

  • To # 7

    to #7:
    It will take TOO long. Not TO long. Spell properly woman!!!

  • im 25 and doin it my self!

    The only way ppl will find their real bashert is to just meet guys personally in a frum way! i am a GOOD 25 yo girl and i am planing from here on to just approach guys in the street in a normal way! and see were it goes…
    Yes! their is a SHADCHAN crises

  • To # 6

    The money part of it is the only reason that your father is doing it, and not such a good job at it either. He is rude and obnoxious.

  • very concerned bocher

    i think they should put the weight of the girl not just the hight on the profiles

  • no one special

    I know of a situation in which the shadchan would not help a man unless he met her daughter first. When that didn’t work out, she reused any further help.
    There must be some very dedicated & competent shadchanim around (I think of Shimshon Stock A”H) but they are very difficult to locate.

  • the main point

    If a system works, you have to see good results. This has nothing to do with frustration of a mother or not. It has to do with reality of life! Kids are putting on age and the percentage success of this system is low. So the whole idea is not to get emotional about it but rather to see if the shidduch system can be immproved for a higher percentage of success. There would not be any frustrated mothers or singles out there if the system was working adequately!

  • Chana S.

    To the son of the shadchan, the answer is: exactly the point of the article! Dont work through shadchanim. It is not worth the headaches to the shadchan or the parents. I would even go as far as saying that shadchanim have good hearts and mean good but the problem is that they are just mothers and housewives who are very busy and they dont have the time to devote that is needed , in all fairness, to the prospective singles. They cant deliver what is really necessary to make a successful shidduch. So I agree it is better to work through family members who are more dedicated to finding a shidduch for their relative. Sounds like a good option tome.

  • Sigal Ben chayim

    To number 7: If you could not get the article its unfortunate because I actually got the points! This article is very well written! People including myself are frusterated with shadchanim and the point that I agree with most in this article is that shadchanim are so secretive! I personally NEVER EVER hear back from any of them and I call back millions of times and nobody answers. so the solution to this matter and it would make life ALOT easier to so many out there is if shadchanim would just GIVE OUT information to parents so parents can do the shidduchim through themselves instead of relying on a shadchan who means well but dosent have time. If you cannot see that then open your eyes to the problem out there because it EXISTS and it is a FACT! And yes the solutions written in this article are good ones!

  • not ranting

    To “Been there done that”, i doubt that you have been there and done that. YOur kids are probably married and you have no worries. But to those whose kids are not married yet, and to the singles themselves who are suffering and filled with anxiety, it is unfair to claim the mother is just ranting. Are you a shadchan perhaps who wants to put down the article? Because anyone with a bit of sense can see that there is a crisis and some kind of action is needed to fix the situation. Do you have a better option? please speak up.

  • here is the REAL problem.

    you have a here a long big article which essentially says nothing. I would like to ask all those complaining,

    to spend ten hours on a shidduch is a minumum. To do research, make the calls back and forth…let’s say there was someone reliable who establishes a good reputation dedicated trustworthy etc. HOW MANY COMPLAINERS ARE WILLING TO PUT A RETAINERS FEE OF $1000.00. UP FRONT.??

    oh tooo expensive??? u get what you pay for. Pay minumum wages and get minumum service.

    you don’t want someone who is just doing this on the side you want someone who makes this their profession so how much are you willing to pay????

  • thanks

    but too long. you gota keep it short sweet and to the point to have an impact

  • ben rav

    also i paid 300 to a shadchan and he never call d me he alredy got money why should he work also maybe a person should make a responsible website where their is information that one can submit like available that way anyone can call a friend or relative or designate who tocontact

  • to #7

    wow where did you leave your brains??! oh right in your keyboard!
    and yes everyone is frusterated but something needs to get done for all those singles! i totally agree with this article, very well written!

  • Shidduch Network

    Please like/join facebook.com/DeedsforDina. It was launched to help singles, friends and family expand their netowork. This was set up for a refuah for Dina Chaya bas Chava.

  • Face reality please

    To number 13 who claims nobody appreciates the work shadchanim put in or the lack of money they make…that is precisely what it seems this author was trying to say. Shadchanim may have good will but the job is not getting done and if they really feel unappreciated and they cant work like this, there is no reason to feel bad. Just give it over to the parents. I agree with this. Parents have the time and want to get involved. This is not am emotional issue! This is talking about the lives of young people who are giving up hope in life because of a system that does not work and all people talk about is how the shadchanim do so much and dont get paid enough. this is not about the money. this is not about the shadchanim. this is about the young people who need to get married! why cant people face reality??

  • yael

    shadchanim is very nice if they get their job done! but WHY are there tons of singles getting older and not married?? parents know their kids the best, i agree 100 % with the article! shadchanim are great and all but when ppl contact them for someones info they.should give it to the parents instead if holding on to it! they should do the best they can to help ppl get married!!!

  • group shadchan

    Yes the amount of time spent on finding a match is not real, lately very difficult to get a date, BUT VERY FREQUENTLY the parents ARE THE ONE TO BLAME AND KILL THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET SO RIGHT THEY HEARD A NAME NOT GEZHA NOT SHAYACH WHAT’S GOING ON, OR ONLY IF SOMEONE HAS A HEALTH OR FAMILY ISSUE LIKE MENTAL, DRUGS, OFF DERECH OR DIVORCED PARENTS AND B’COME VERY SELECTIVE AND DIFFICULT FOR THE SHADCHAN. PLLLLEASE THINK & HELP EACH OTHER FOR YR FRIENDS, CLASSMATES AND RELATIVES AROUND YOU. EVERYONE CAN BE A SHADCHAN!! NO AGE!! NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED!!

  • RESIDENT

    YES I WENT THERE SITTING WITH THOSE SHADCHAN THAT CHARGE AND NOTHING NOTHING NOT A DATE CAME TROUGH ONLY EXCHANGE NAMES LIKE TAKING A PHONEBOOK, DIFFERENCE I PAID AND I EXPECT SHIDDUCHIM VERY DESAPOINTED!!

  • to number 31

    I think you missed the point. #13 was trying to say that if parents wouldn’t procrastinate, but rather cooperate and appreciate the shadchan, and not constantly complain about them, we would have more shadchanim around, thereby, helping the crisis.

  • a girl who understands (hidden)

    wow written beautifully great article and lots of great points i totally agree with it who ever wrote it shkoach!!! NO MORE SHADCHANS!!

  • disappointed

    Parents are only partly to blame.Those of you who call yourself so called shadchanim need to get over you high opinions of yourself & do your job as well. Don’t like the words or think I am wrong prove it Many of you want money upfront & do nothing in my case that is factual All I hear is I have nothing or I can’t help you for the last # of years. 1 shadchan I made the mistake of giving upfront money to has provided only 1suggestion in the last 5 years!!! another didn’t even bother to look at anything in particular & tried to throw 2 names in 2 years that anyone could see & know were not even worth thinking abouting what needs to be done is set up a shidduchim office where they are paid a salary & the clients pay a registration fee & then a fee when successful meaning after the wedding the bill is due that is the definition of success

  • This wasn-t my experience...

    Shandel Blassberg made our shidduch, she was very on top of it, and I did not experience any of what you write here. I highly recommend her.

  • no anger

    This is the first “shidduch crisis” article i’ve read that isn’t written in anger. Thank you for bringing up rational, valid points, as well as sensible solutions. Lubavitch is much bigger/more spread out than it used to be, and we need a new and improved shidduch system. “Men darf leben mit der tzeit” We need to live with the times!

  • DaasTorah

    How many shadchanim and parents have rejected their child’s beshert because of some inane reason? The problem isn’t so much the shadchanim or parents as it is just letting the kids get to know each other.

  • shachanom need to be mentchen first

    All the shadchan needs to do is at least answer e.mails .acknowledge receipt of them and dare I say even once in a while say HI!I am still thinking of you and looking out for your Child (this is the qualifications of a good shadchan …someone who cares but cannot always hit on the right Shidduch .

  • Tov peulah echad melef anchote....

    Blaming the shadchanim is not exacatly a solution. I am very personally frustrated with the “system”, but also know the shadchanim do a lot behind the scenes that they don’t inform us of and it is a chesed Do we really want the details of all those “rejections”??
    Does anyone out there have practical advice to share on what to do to help our children get married??

    One example, if more parents would use sites like Myshidduch Net etc, to put short profiles for other parents to view with contact info I think that could generate more possibilites.

    Any other helpful ideas…

  • A mom also

    Every single person should become a shadchan. Young marrieds are the perfect choice.
    If I get a name for my child & it’s not shayich or the other side thinks its not I always try & think of whom it maybe shayich for & suggest it.
    Also parents, drop your ideas of perfection when you hear something “negative” investigate further there could be a misunderstanding or plain vindictiveness.
    When you hear a bochur or girl has/had a health issue don’t run away in panic but ask for more details. You may find that it’s overblown or a complete non issue now.
    If someone had Cancer at age 7, do you really think that at 23 he/she has a problem?
    Is someone with diabetes going to be an abusive husband?
    For all the superficial things people are worried about, take a look & see how many “perfect” shidduchim end up as miserable marriages.
    Above all parents need to remember & teach their kids that a shidduch is not some “ego” trip it’s about finding the other half of your neshoma. That neshoma may be not gezhe & may not be wealthy. People won’t be amazed at how “well” you did.
    Marriage is about “kiddushin” not ego.
    And shadchanim please either take it seriously or give it up.

  • Anan Amos

    To answer similar posts to #15 and the such. About cutting out the shadchan and doing it on your own.

    Personally – I am a guy – and if a girl walked up to me and started talking or flirting with me, I will feel uncomfortable. Not that I am super Chassidish or anything. I watch movies, I even trim my beard. But still – The article brought out a beautiful point that I really appreciate. Look at my pnimious. I am way better than a lot of people I know (not trying to toot my horn, just trying to bring out a point). At least I respect others, I am compassionate, I am kind hearted, I am not stingy, and the list can go on. Compared to some people I know that Shukle as if they are touching God and if you by mistake over took them in the line at the grocery store they are screaming their lungs out.
    With all that being said. It is nice to cut out the Shadchan thing and try to go out on our own. However – there are many issues that arise.

    1. Where and how can I do that in an appropriate way? What kind of network can provide the level of Tznius required? (I don’t mean Tznius in the super-religious way – I mean even by being appropriate and considerate).

    2. Going out on our own – will require much longer dating process – getting to know one other etc. Whereas the Shiduchim process, although I think should also not be rushed, but at least in that process, you have some very strong information and points that are set on the table right from the start.

    3. With the length of the shiduchim process, now you are getting into emotional and complicated waters. What do you do when the feelings start coming up? Are you getting married for the right reasons now? Or are your emotions and biological feelings skewing your decisions?

    This is all only food for thought.

  • Practical

    The idea of this article that I think everyone is missing is not to remove the Shadchan and do it by yourself! It’s to tell shadchanim give out information to the parents once a shidduch comes up and let the parents do it! Not the singles between themselves! That’s the point and it makes alot of sense!

  • What is the big deal?

    I have started laughing at articles such as this. What is this daily horror that singles have? I’m 29, very frum, and from a good CH family. I’m single and not even looking. I have my own home in CH, a nice parnossa, and great friends. I’m neither lonely nor in pain. People, get over it and go live your lives.

  • shlomo as always with bad English

    very good article!
    Belarus, that Lubavitcher from today require license to be a shadhan, and you must have certain level of education, and match some requirements. may be it a good idea.
    it not only shiduch problem, for my sorrow this way that many of us make business. bad expensive and irresponsible. in addition with expectancy that fellow Jew have to worry about my parnasa. all Jewish world own me!!! but really it simple fraud
    2 week ago i get email from SYAS that propose me gold membership only for $12 month.(strange on site is $18???). so i answer no, and get email asking why, honestly i answer that for 4 years i get only one date (woman don’t want Lubavitcher at all) and like 2000-3000 shnorers mail asking me for money. so this is a reason
    after this i have conversation with very angry bobale, that say me, that shadhanim work so hard, and me??? simple bad, greedy man. so i answer, that i really want make shis life easier, and propose payment for EACH match, that he propose me, if it lead to date.even no shiduh. realty i even can sign a contract. so she become mo angry, and say that i bad man, that intentionally aggravate situation. sorry? me? i want pay you for real job. you don’t want -it mean that you not want work for me. and $12 month it only fraud. sorry. if you doc give you medicine for 4 years free, and it not help, it may be appropriate, but if after 4 years you ask money for somebody, not work at all. sorry.
    again it not question about money.it about people that want money for nothing
    pure al tignov!

  • TO #53

    29 and you are not looking to get married? Why is that? Just wondering…

  • #53, to #55

    Why would I is more the question? So I can go on foodstamps and buy sheitls? I’m quite happy as I am now and so are MANY of my bochur friends.

  • To # 10 Yishai

    If we require Shadchanim to be certified with training. This would reduce the number of Shadchanim and cause the Shadchanim to be even more overloaded.

    The reason Shadchanim miss calls or ignore emails is not out of malice, but rather overuse.

    To treat the symptom (that Shadchanim don’t spend enough time on each person) we must address the cause (that there are not enough Shadchanim).

  • To #15

    I trust that you have only good intentions in mind. But if it becomes normal that a Girl could speak to a Boy on their own accord then C”V we could be legitimizing casual dating. I’m sure that you don’t date casual, but casual dating could sneak its way in, if it could find a legitimate cover story. Please don’t give it one.
    I am not ruling out people meeting and then dating. Why?!? Because I know many people who have gotten married because they met at a Shabbos table. But the meeting, however spontaneous, should only happen under the purview of a responsible host who will oversee and step in if necessary. Meaning that the host should realize that if he is going to have a boy and a girl at his Shabbos table then he should be ready to act as a potential shadchan (if they are serous and a good match) or as a police officer if they (are not serious about dating for marriage). For that end I think we should keep the taboo against single boys and girls at the Shabbos table, so that if the table is of mixed company then the host will be mindful of the situation so he will not treat it casually and take his responsibility seriously. ,Yishai

  • CR

    To all those dismissing the DIY shidduch method I have to tell you that it works! Back in the day I went on dozens of meetups set up with the yentas around town. Most were simply not satisfactory. One shabbos I visited a friend of mine whose daughter just happened to have one of her high school classmates visiting. Miss Classmate and I started talking and, needless to say, we’re still talking nearly 16 years later after marriage, children and the works!

    For some people casual meeting is the way to go. Setting up too many filters and gatekeepers with Shadchanim does more harm than good for such individuals. Perhaps it is time for more Young Israel-type singles events in the world of Lubavitch. Or we should encourage informal gatherings of His and Her friends at our homes. The current system is clearly not satisfactory.

  • shlomo as always with bad English

    today you can chose you doctor, not only by his advertising. you can also find rating, and result. it publish and every one can use it.we can find info about restorans,hotels, and locksmiths laundry
    M.B community should rate shadchanim too. m.b in site, that people can put feedback. for example if 10 people put, that they only waist they time, o 3 people say, that they give money, and never hear more about….
    or people describe very good job ….
    even in CHinfo it possible. it not so serious job,even volunteers can do it, but this will help a lot

  • Fair

    MAYBE ITS TIME FOR THE PARENTS AND OTHER RELATIVES TO TAKE BACK THE MAKING OF THE SHIDUCHIM.
    I PERSONALLY WENT THRUE THE WHOLE MEGILLAH WITH PHOTOS AND PROFILES AND REFERENCES ETC, SOME WANTED JUST BY EMAIL OTHERS VERY FEW WANTED A MEETING FACE TO FACE.
    To say that I am disapointed is an understatement.
    It might be better if we did something where we made a shidduch fair.
    Each parent/relative could meet and go thrue the profiles and pictures and references and contact the boy or girls contact person.
    I like this better because then you dont have to deal with all the deciding on the shadchans part:
    deciding If they will help you, if they want to help you or call you , or what they’ve personally decided is good for your daughter or son, eventhough they havent got a clue who the girl or boy is or what they are about but they are ready to decide who is suited to them.
    We have job fairs, aliyah fairs, school fairs etc, why not bring parents together and let them choose.
    Since the intermediaries are too busy and have lives of their own – we understand that. Don’t avertise if you can’t even call back and say you are too busy at this time, or ignore phone calls or deliberately misunderstand or misplace lists of names and don’t want to look into them etc….
    And for those individuals who believe that they are doing a mitzvah aggreeing to be a reference and then go and say that they don’t really know the individuals or their family, be assured that what you are doing is harmfull and even if you aren’t saying anything and you can comfort yourself with that excuse you are doing damage.
    Walk in another persons shoes for a day or peer into the peckel they carry on their backs and struggle with each day, and be compassionate. The very same compassion you would like G-d and man to judge you with.

  • Anon Amos

    To #62 – what if the boy/girl does not have a parent or parents, or any relative or friend that is willing to take on their case? Though it sounds far fetched – but there are such situations.