Op-Ed: The Call of the Shiduch

In honor of Purim, we present an op-ed written by one of our readers – with his tongue planted firmly in his cheek. The views expressed in this article are neither ours, the writer’s nor of any sane human being:

by Feivish H., Ph.D.

Surely everyone reading this article is aware of the shiduchim crisis facing the Chabad community today. The amount of bochurim and girls who have kind of passed by their “window of opportunity”, those few years when it is most auspicious and expedient to find their bashert/basherte, is growing exponentially and inexplicably, and no one seems to know how to deal with this problem. But have no fear; a real solution is on the horizon. Yes, due to “COTS’” staggering success, some local, anonymous shadchonim are formulating a similar apparatus that will end the shiduch crisis once and for all.

You see, in the olden days, things seemed to work much easier, for some reason. Each family contacts a shadchan, does their due diligence, verifies compatibility (spiritually, ideologically, and genetically), and a date is set for the boy and girl to meet. All that’s left is for the boy and girl to like each other, and the deal is done.

But for some reason, the last part of this equation is just not happening. So many young people today complain that they are being set up, but it just doesn’t seem to click. The prospective midubar/miduberes is simply not finding favor in their eyes. And this seems to happen time after time. But do not fret; there is finally a solution to this dilemma. Brace yourself.

Yes, it’s just so simple. If we already have established compatibility due to the parents’ research, so then there is only one obstacle here for this shiduch to work. It’s called the conscious mind. The boy/girl has a conscious mind that is refusing to discover an interest or fondness for the person they are meeting. So all we have to do, technically, is bypass this conscious mind. And how, you might ask, is this seemingly impossible task attainable?

The answer is neurological linguistic programming, or other similar forms of hypnosis or mind control. Using various tactics to make the person suggestible, such as not speaking an entire day, not knowing the time, and wearing out the person physically or psychologically, the mind can become impressionable and programmable. Through means of embedded messages using cryptic linguistic tricks, an expert can actually plant ideas subconsciously into the mind of an unsuspecting bochur or girl, to subliminally convince them that they actually like their prospective shiduch. As soon as the parents decide who is the right one for their son/daughter, they can send off their son/daughter for a weekend seminar in Morristown, or anywhere else for that matter (and of course, Rabonim will be included to make sure that the N.L.P. technics used will have no connection to avoida zora whatsoever). Trained professionals will use their various methodologies to subliminally implant important identifying qualities of the shiduch, like name, appearance, and yichus, into the mind of the unwitting bochur/girl, without their conscious awareness. And then, after the seminar, the parents can mention a “new name” that just came up, and the rest is self-explanatory.

Think of it! Not only will this help marry off hundreds of our youth, but it will save them needless time and money for all the pegishos that will no longer be necessary. In fact, the $600/900 charge for the weekend can go towards shadchones gelt.

Now I know what you’re probably asking right now, and that is: How are our kids going to fall for this? Well it’s quite simple. You see, these “self-help” weekends are going to be so inspiring, so transformational, and participants will be warned not to talk about their experiences at these seminars, so no outsider will ever really find out what’s going on in there. You simply have to come and experience it for yourself. By the time the youth catch on to what’s really happening, before any cult-buster decides to write any revealing articles, before any rabonim come out with a giluy daas against this new-aged, alternative form of effective matchmaking, we’ll already have all the 25+ year-olds of Crown Heights married with children!

The only slight problem, you might ask, is…

How long will these marriages last?

Not to fear, for continual marriage-salvaging support, with help from weekly Landmark Forum meetings in Crown Heights, these newly-weds will stay happy forever. These methods have been tried and proven to work, with tremendous, unprecedented success. Just ask David Koresh’s wives – all 27 of them!