Op-Ed: America’s Fascination with Chassidic Women
I was invited to attend the Dr. Phil show last week to offer commentary on their feature story about a young and beautiful woman who had a tale of unsettling circumstances in regard to her Chassidic background. As the Dr. Phil show unfolded, I listened intently to a young woman named Pearl Reich who, at the age of seventeen, was betrothed to a man for whom she was clearly unsuited, at her parents’ discretion and against her will.
Pearl shared claims of emotional and physical abuse by a husband who had never trusted or loved her. Pearl depicted herself as a desperate woman with four young children trying to escape an abusive and loveless marriage – distancing herself from the Chassidic community of her childhood in an attempt to seek her own path as an actress and a model. Pearl purported that her husband was so incensed by her path of self-discovery and self-actualization that he now refuses to give her a Jewish or legal divorce and is even threatening to take her children away if she does not abandon her acting and modeling career, a pursuit that her husband claims is against the moral values on which they based their marriage vows.
As I listened to Pearl, I was struck by the great contrast between our experiences in the Chassidic Community. As my readership knows, I am a Chabad Chassidic woman who lives in the public eye as a writer, speaker, filmmaker and singer who has an incredibly supportive husband and community that champion my individuality and artistic pursuits. The idea that this woman had no choice in whom she married or that her own identity and self expression was at stake left me shocked and troubled. It is my understanding that Chassidic philosophy is meant to support one’s individuality and uniqueness. The very philosophical foundation of Chassidic mysticism, based on its founder Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov (1698 – 1760), is that each person is like a musical note in the symphony of life and that each individual possesses G-d given talents meant to be shared with the world. We have an obligation to seek out our own skills and talents and use them to reveal the majesty and G-dliness found even in the most mundane and corporeal parts of our existence and the world. When we actualize our talents for the purpose of elevating our surroundings we also reveal the holiness inside all of us.
Every time I get up to sing or speak, I am reminded of my own opportunity as a Jewish woman to reveal the gifts that I have been graciously given by the One Above. Obviously, Pearl’s unorthodox account of a troubling marriage that has threatened her spiritual quest in no way represents the Chassidic philosophy of how women should be treated or how husbands and wives should support each other in their individual spiritual journeys. Judaism supports romance and encourages women to seek out their own spouse. Chassidism encourages the personal quest for individuality as well as marriages that celebrate mutually beneficial and healthy spirituality. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated or condoned.
I am also not naive and realize that people are people — human beings are fallible creatures capable of perverting the beautiful and deeply spiritual precepts taught by the Baal Shem Tov. The matter begs a serious conversation. How can one become enlightened and create a spiritual relationship with one’s Higher Power despite being cast away by those who promised to love and protect them? When any individual we look up to fails us so remarkably, how do we recover? How does a person ever rectify one’s own faith when corrupted personalities with bad principles cloaked in good ones take over? When our spirituality is tested, as Pearl’s was, how are we supposed to respond, and does Chassidic Philosophy really have those answers?
When I was a kid my father used to tell me, “Chava, remember, always place principles above personalities.” But one Shavuot (you know that holiday the Jews eat cheesecake and celebrate the giving of the Torah) many years ago, I can remember feeling deeply unmoved by my faith, for the personalities I relied on to guide me had let me down, and I had no idea how to come out of my deep dark cloud of disappointment. I began judging everyone I met and failed to remember the lessons of the Baal Shem Tov. Dr. Phil says he went through a similar experience. “I was raised Southern Baptist and I always said I loved the Lord, it was Christians I couldn’t stand,” he said, before going on to explain that he was 14-15 years old when he felt that way and has since changed his opinion. This fundamental human challenge is not a Chassidic issue, but rather a human one that humanity grapples with in every faith across the board.
The Baal Shem Tov used to say that when a person peers into a mirror and sees stains of soil on his own face, it is only because he has failed to wash himself, so too when someone sees imperfections in another, it is a sign that those imperfections may live inside him. Clearly I needed to have a shift; I had only disdain for those around me and could not muster the courage to see how that disdain blemished my own personal faith in myself, and in my own Higher Power as well.
That Shavuot I had decided to challenge a friend and Rabbi, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson, with a letter sharing my great pain highlighting my inner conflict. When Rabbi Jacobson came to town that Shavuot to address the entire community, as was the local tradition each year, I never really thought he would have customized his speech to directly answer my letter. I didn’t really expect any answer. The only reason I had gone to the speech that year was to prove my point that religion is uninspiring, and no one could prove to me otherwise. The truth was I got more spirituality from my Al-Anon meetings (AA meetings for friends & family of Alcoholics) than from going to Synagogue. In Al-Anon I felt understood. In Synagogue I felt like a phony. I just didn’t fit. My resentment towards my world and myself began to creep up on me. Something had to give. I found myself able to live with the outfit but without the heart. I hated my hypocrisy.
Rabbi Jacobson approached the pulpit. He stood there wearing black and white. I expected a black and white speech. What emerged instead was a fresh and empowering message. And his voice boomed (I am paraphrasing of course) –
“Moses was the greatest man in history. He was a man who was known for his humility. What made Moses so humble? What was the inspiration that created his ultimate humility? Moses was the leader of a great generation. It was a generation that witnessed the splitting of the Red Sea, ten plagues, clouds of glory, Manna from heaven. They had seen G-d in full “exposure,” with all His miracles. Yet they were not a generation who were able to bring great change in the world. However, Moses looked into the future. And through the future he saw the last generation who would usher in the world’s utopian vision, a world of peace and prosperity where G-d’s living presence and the inherent unity of mankind would be revealed. This generation would not have miracles to count on. They would be a generation born out of the ashes of Auschwitz and the flames of 9/11. Unlike previous generations, they would not have great Kings, dazzling prophets, or holy men and women to lead them. They might even come to observe leaders who are corrupt, and trendsetters who are unethical and unscrupulous. And yet, they would still have the ability of seeing the leaders as humans, humans who are flawed and who may make grave mistakes. And they will become people who make the decision to become leaders in their own right and change the world despite itself. It’s time we take the responsibility of leading our generation into goodness on our own. Moses saw that our generation had this exceptional quality – the quality that small, ordinary people would become their own leaders, living extraordinary lives and creating dignity out of doom. Become your own leader, become your own leader.”
I expected tolerance. I received acceptance. I expected a party line. I received out of the box. For the first time, I understood that I had no one to blame for my lack of faith but myself. I had to start to trust my own instincts. I had to become the person that I assumed and expected others were supposed to be for me.
I decided to take that moment only to judge myself. I had to ask myself a difficult question. Was I being all that I could be? Or was I truly living with resentment and rage that had hindered my own spiritual growth? Was I projecting my own insecurities on others, blaming them for not taking responsibility for my life? Was I tolerating myself or accepting myself with all my weaknesses and accepting others with all of their shortcomings? Tolerance is not Chassidic. Acceptance is Chassidic. Living inspired by our own struggles and challenges rather than in spite of them is Chassidic. Morphing into leadership by example and trail blazing through a complicated world that uses pain and suffering in its narrative to illuminate important life lessons rather than using them as an excuse to be trapped into victimhood, is Chassidic. Making a mental and emotional accounting of one’s humility, kindness, personal discipline, exposing the world’s beauty, ambitiously living with joy, bonding with our creator and the world around us, and taking the time to judge less and examine more is Chassidic.
So many times we look to others as our role models for Jewish values before adopting them as our own. When the others fail to prove those values by example we are deeply disappointed. Man was created to be challenged, and at times fails, giving him the opportunity to climb that ladder of personal growth with new perspective and courage. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have the fortitude or resolution to recognize our faults or that our ladder of personal growth is no longer upright, but has fallen flat – becoming a bridge to the extramundane and sacrilegious. Putting too much stock into the infallibility of human beings creates huge disappointment and challenges our inner compass. Many people spend a lifetime without ever getting on the ladder and most of us get on only to climb and fall and climb and fall. In truth, we must never stop climbing, and as we learn to accept our human condition and challenges, they afford us the great wisdom that ancient books write about. Human beings are created as material creatures infused with spiritual longing. We must be careful not to allow our own flawed whims to take over our sleeping spirits.
I truly empathize with Pearl and I am so sorry for the pain she has endured and continues to endure. My heart goes out to this wonderful lady and her children and I pray for her well-being and full happiness and serenity. I wish Pearl the good fortune to, in time, have the perspective to see her journey from a new and a fresh vantage point. To realize the very beauty she possesses is also a product of the pain and suffering she has endured. That the heavy weight on her shoulders currently pinning her to the ground can become the wings on her back lifting her ever higher. Together, maybe we can fight for faith, acceptance, and personal leadership, and finally bring about the world’s utopian vision of peace and prosperity where authentic and genuine spirituality is finally revealed.
There are always two sides to the story
You are so quick to write an Op-Ed because of how lucky you are to have been on the Dr. Phil show, WOW look at you!!! But did you take a moment to hear the other side of the story? Yeah, she has all these claims, but how would it sound if her story went like this:
“I was discovered one night when I went out by a guy who said I could be a model, one thing led to another and I stopped being faithful, I took my kids with me and moved to Lakewood where I was able to live my new dream. Now my husband does not want my kids living that life so I have to make up stories of abuse otherwise, he is right, since my kids should not be living in a house where guys come over in order to enhance my career”.
I have lost any respect I might have had for you and for the Algemeiner for posting your op-ed without a response from the other side. Just because someone says something on TV does not make it true, and you blew it!
Oh please
This women Pearl is not so inocent. She is looking to get a career in modeling and acting and what better way than bashmootzing the frum community on national tv. Chavy is way too polite with her. Pearl is a fraud and she needs to be confronted that way.
Saw it
And you were soooooooooooooo sympathetic to this twisted, irrational, vindictive woman. Why? No one forced her to marry him. She wanted out. So?? She got bored and wanted more excitement in her life. Too bad we all do, men too, but 99.9% accept that we have RESPONSIBILITIES. We don’t just leave! We make our lives better within halachic guidelines. If she wasn’t so prety she wouldnt have got so much sympathy. Listen to her words, she’s crazy. Shmuely Boteach made it worse. So did you, Ms. Chava. You didn’t say anything that counted except you are “here for her.” that means…………? Why didn’t you say you are a Chassidic woman with a full life and it is possible to have both.
ari
crown heightsinfo why dont u show the other 4 clips of the interview? dont sound so shocked to hear that things like this happen in the chassidic community we all know it happens yet when asked about it we deny it with all our might,i agree with her the chassidic community is a cult,just take a look at 770 where u have “the true believers” otherwise known as tzfatim. but thats just one example take a look at people raise there kids in the community there is no choice over whether to have a proper english education,u want to raise ur kids chassidic fine but at least give them the skills and the oppertunity to make something of themselves by teaching them,math,english,history etc. and of course another importent thing they should have in schools is sex ed what is the best way to pervent abuse then to teach the kids the dangers of the world and a way to understand anotamy.
please post
can you post the full show so we can get the context of everything said
To Number 1
To number 1: I don’t think the author was taking sides on this Pearl story or condeming the other side. Seems to me like she was just responding to the pain and anger that Pearl had expressed on the show. I thought it was a very insightful read. Thanks.
Well Done
So happy that Chava was there to represent Chabad is a better light. I hate when these shows depict a broken, angry, bitter person as the norm. Don’t know if everything Perl said was true but I think the average viewer will think it was true and it was great to have a person depicting a different experience as well.
Shmuely was Harsh
I saw the show and thought Shmuely Boteach was too harsh and came across very unsympathetic. Was glad this Chava was there to soften it a little or else I think it would have looked pretty bad. I also liked the Op:Ed she wrote, hope the this pearl girl gets to read it too.
Getting the issues at hand
I saw Dr. Phil on Friday and With all due respect to Frum women across the globe, Chava Tombosky clearly did not represent the Frum Women’s point of view. She was ditzy and self-serving in her less than intelligent statement, and apologetic for being Frum. While I do not claim to know the whole story behind what is going on in Lakewood, Pearl (or Penina, Perri, or whatever name she chooses today) and Shauly do not look like the type of people that are looking to ‘mend fences’ – rather, they are looking to buck the system they rejected – and are now coming to the court of the goyishe world (TV media such as Dr. Phil) to protect them, knowing full well that these goyim haven’t a clue about Yiddishkeit – to them, most Jews look like they fell out of outer-space!. Fine with that however, Chava’s asinine statement in front of the world served no purpose towards solving the issues – it just exacerbated and gave credence to Pearl and Shauly’s hatred of the Jewish world. People like Chava should just look pretty, sit down and shut-up!
Thanks for Speaking Up
Thank you to Chava for speaking up so beautifully. I wouldn’t have the courage to because I know how many angry and uneducated people would try to tear me up regardless what I would have said – too sympathetic, too judgmental, too fundamentalist, not enough emphasis, etc! Kudos for for putting yourself out there to help the world see the beauty of Judaism… B’Makom Sheino Ish…
Not the Taliban
Chava: From those of us who live in the real world (outside of Crown Heights), thank you. The sensationalistic media has been on an onslaught against Orthodox Judaism with seens from Bet Shemesh and others making us look like the Taliban. I forwarded your clip and Op:Ed to everyone I know!
project
don’t be so ADHD / quick to judge. why don’t we all read more and use our brains and not our emotions to think about this one. that might just have benefits
Dear No. 1
When an author writes phrases like “Pearl shared claims”, “Pearl depicted herself”, & “Pearl purported” the author is not taking sides but addressing the statements and claims that were shared, depicted and purported by the person who is sharing, depicting, and purporting the statements.
good stuff
we need more peoples saying the good stuff about what the rebbe taught and worry less about the other stuff. i think that is what chava did in her essay and her video. way to go
I agree with #10
I agree with number 10. It is so easy for all the haters to attack anyone who tries to do something really good through the ‘anonymous posts’ on these websites. Thankfully there are still some brave souls out there. I for one was proud of Chava’s remarks and Op:Ed.
CROWN HEIGHTS RESIDENT
who is this chava agreeing with this pearl lady this chava lady should be thrown out of the orthodox community and live like this pearl lady who wants her kids to be not frum and is completly fry this chava lady gives chizik to this pearl lady who is doing things opposite of torah laws ms chava dont believe everything you hear and in front of you this perl lady brings her boyfriend there and you saw in front of your eyes she is living in sin is this who you give chizik to MS CHAVA WHAT YOU SAID IS UNBELIEVABLE STUPED AND YOU SHOULD BE ASAHMED OF YOURSELF YOU WOULDNT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS PERL LADY OR WOULD YOU?????????
Mendy
Yes, many orthodox Jews live in a cult. They follow their leaders blindly and dress as told without any individuality. They think that their way of life is perfect, and they refuse to take criticism of any sort, and whoever does criticize like this perl did, is subsequently called a lier and an attention seeker. Moreover, the OP-ED written by Chava was a dishonest article where she states that Chasidic people can pursue what they want in life and they can have whatever career they like.
Bidarchei Noam
Chabad is different than many of the other groups of Chasidim. I think that Chava did a great job of distinguishing Chabad from the others in a very elegant and non confrontational style as the Rebbe would want Bidarchei Noam U Bidarchei Shalom!
Max
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To 16
To 16 – Dr. Phil has like 10 million people watching his show! Do you really think it would have been good for middle America to see or hear someone representing the statements in your comment. Take a little trip out of Crown Heights to see things from another perspective. Chava walked a fine line and made a kiddush Hashem and a kiddush Chabad.
From A Shluchah
Thanks for giving the women in my community a chance to see you on the Dr. Phil Show. My husband and I have taken a lot grief from the bad press of other Chassisic groups and it was great to have one of our own on the show representing the beauty we are trying to bring to our little community.
Nice
Beautiful op-ed. It’s a nice reminder that we can explore our individuality not only within the framework of Orthodox Judaism, but taking it a step further and using it to illuminate the world.
The Truth
What a mess.
Upon reading this op-ed, I of course rushed to pull up clips from Dr. Phil’s segment. The clips both infuriated me and left me feeling just as I did upon watching Oprah’s back to back “journey” into the chassidic community.
I’m not going to bother in writing a perfect piece, but to truly tell you all who may be reading these posts to shake off the article you just read above and to focus on the “reality” Pearl depicted of our religious communities (oh yes, in the plural) as a whole, and on national television.
Although deeply moving and truly inspirational as the op-ed written ever carefully above was by Chava, it’s a seemingly honest plea to catch a bit of Pearl’s limelight by sharing her own story and finishing off with “good wishes” to Pearl. Of course, we are all deeply saddened.
Forgive my cynicism, but the real reality of Pearl’s story is that she left her family, abandoned her children; a coward, to pursue some superficial modeling dream. Although, I cannot believe each comment left, I have read that Pearl is abusive to her own children, which does not shock nor surprise me. She will always feel resentment toward them while they continue to follow a religion she resents and has always had much disdain for. Perhaps, they in turn, will grow up as lost as she, and will probably resent her for her own betrayal, unless Rabbi Shmuely steps in as he said he was prepared to do on the show.
Rabbi Shmuely may be controversial, yet I agreed entirely with his assessment. Even in deeply rooted chassidic families (I’m talking Williamsburg, Monroe, etc.) the women are never forced into marriage. Marriage is the next step in their lives, logically – within their community’s morals and the way in which they were raised. Few are convinced too quickly, I am sure many young women have doubts and share fears about “falling” into marriage, yet to describe his “thousands” of friends who are constantly forced into these arranged marriages – I don’t buy Shauly’s tried defense nor do I believe he was forced to turn his back on his own children. Together as a couple, these two share one commonality: They are both lazy and grew tired of their responsibilities. They chose to abandon their entire lives to live more open lives, lives where Pearl can wear pants and where Shauly can be “regular.”
It was a mistake to choose this open forum of media in which to depict her terrible home life and her upbringing. True pain is never easily spoken openly about – going on national television to discuss and share her opinions and point of view were described by Pearl as being “hard,” – She has no shame nor care for the rest of the religion she claims to still stand by.
I only see her appearance as a ploy to “get back”, to take vengeance on her “unjust” upbringing and closed off community.
Agree or disagree, but please – be real and true to yourselves in doing so.
Tough Topic
I am a Sluchah and was also asked to be on this episode of Dr. Phil. I really wanted to make an appearance to try to show the beauty of the Rebbe’s teachings in contrast to how daytime TV would like people to label our ‘lifestyle’. I turned down the invitation because I was afraid of the questions I might be asked and how my words might have been misrepresented after editing. It was a tough topic and I think Chava did a great job.
Get Some Perspective
It seems evident that the readers of Crownheights.info were not Chava’s intended audience for this Op:Ed. Are the detractors of this Op:Ed on Crownheights.info so segregated and out of touch with society that they fail to understand the value of this very positive message?
Andrea Schonberger
I did see the show, not live but as a rerun. While there are two sides to every story we also have to face certain facts. For one thing, there is no way in the world that Pearl could have been both a model and a Chassidic wife and mother–this would never happen in a million years for the simple fact that modeling violates the rules of tznius. She also did not have complete freedom to choose her husband; I imagine that she was given a choice among several acceptable suitors and had to pick from them. Could she have really married the man who delivers the mail? Yes, but there would have been serious consequences like losing face and her standing in the community. Was her husband abusive? I don’t know but it’s possible as spouse abuse occurs in all communities even frum ones. I think what happened was that before Pearl considered all her options for her future life she got married and the marriage went sour. People make mistakes in choosing marriage partners all the time but please do not insist that Pearl had complete freedom to make any life choices that she wanted. That is not not in line with the Chassidic lifestyle.
Great op-ed
Great op-ed… Really enjoyed the quote from YY Jacobson. Hope Pearl can rise above and find a better way to express her individuality. Seems to me like the modeling is just a way of lashing out against her circumstances and not really searching for a path.
The Point
I think Chava’s message has not landed on the ear of some of the readers. I think she is saying that we don’t get to choose alot of the circumstances of our life and can either let those circumstances crush us and become bitter or rise above them and find inspiration thru them. Kind of the silver lining approach without judging the specific circumstances in Pearl’s life.
Runkle
It’s none of anybody’s business how someone wants to raise thir children, religious or not. How can anyone claim the mother is wrong for wanting to raise her children in a specific manner? Don’t judge her till you have been thru the same she has been through
Genug shoyn
Even this Pearlperry herself, who is as fake as a three-dollar bill, sees right through Tombosky.
Between Boteach (who just wants exposure at any cost) and Tombosky (who was just in way above her head), all of the good that came out of the Oprah has nearly been undone.
Someone needed to stand up and dissect Pearlperry’s lies one by one as the press did with Feldman and her book.
Sorry, but we accept Pearlperry’s way of life and her slander the same way the DEA accepts shipments of marijuana from Tijuana!
Praise!
I’d like to take this moment and compliment perry and shauly for being able to strip themselves (mostly) of their ‘boro park/williamsburg’ accents, not many people can do that. On the other hand, i believe this was cowardly on their part to go out and besmirch a whole community just because they are tired of that lifestyle. Thanks G-d there are many people who ARE happily married, and to say ‘thousands’ are not, is a bit exaggerated or straight-up untrue. So as a parent of children i say, you are responsible for their spiritual and physical wellbeing, and if you can’t put your own desires aside for their needs, is more a display of childishness rather that upstanding and idealistic. Kudos to you for your accuired publicity and slef promotn, im sure it will bring you,ots of money and fame, ( i guess your publicist suggested it), but shame on you for ruining any possibility for your children having a spiritually and physically healthy upbringing. Putting your needs ahead of theirs sends a message to them that they are unimportant and does wonders for their self-esteem!!! Happiness is a state of mind, not situation!
beautiful and brilliant!
Chava you wrote a brilliant op-ed. for those of you who don’t agree read it again! you obviously didn’t get it.
CH.info fan
I think it’s a very poor choice to publish this article. Perhaps it’s a good article but on this website where many of our children frequent, to publish this piece which grants her a much larger audience is wrong. Many haven’t heard of her but now have. It can drive youth towards following in her footsteps and you will be liable for lifnei iver lo siten michshol. You don’t even have to publish my comment, I’m just trying to get my point across to chinfo’s editorial staff.
Shlucha
I don’t understand why Chava told her, more than once within 59 seconds, about her beauty, was she refering to her inner beauty, if so she certainly wasn’t clear, and it was not understood in that manner.
Outsider
How did Boteach get away with saying he wouldn’t mind if his 6 daughter’s were models. Did he lose his mind altogether.
;et
I remember hearing as I was growing up “ a ligint tar men nisht zagin un di emes darf men nish zagin”
translated: it is forbidden to lie but one does not necessarily have to utter truths.
I fear that so long as this site along with other similar sites continue to publicize anything and everything because it brings them a few hits which results in either a few dollars or supposed “fame” we will continue to spiral downhill. The hill down is quite a fast trip. Let us all aspire to climb up higher and higher until these types of stories land the back pages of some garbage newspaper and the good, noble, true, honorable stories take up the front pages of our sites. Remember the kiddush Hashem made by the Holsbergs? Why allow a few sadly confused persons the ability to wipe out the beautiful legacy left by giants like them?
uch un vei
chava stop making lubavitch into a liberal chasidism. we have standards.
TV Talkshows A Bad Forum
TV talk shows make their money when more people watch their shows. That is why they choose topics that are sensationalistic – because controversy sells. It should be no surprise that they would choose a situation from the fringe and paint it as common. I thought Shmuely did what Shmuely does – which is just what the TV execs want! I actually thought Chava did a really smart thing by avoiding the conflict and creating a very tender and understanding moment with Pearl. It showed the world we are not extremists and actually have the ability to listen with empathy.
Genug shoyn
How did Boteach get away with saying he wouldn’t mind if his 6 daughter’s were models. Did he lose his mind altogether.
===
He lost it even before his semi-fibreglass chossid, the late Reb Michoel Yakobovitz, lost his second glove.
Thank you
I don’t know much about the Pearl Reich case but I have been dealing with some very challenging things in my own life. For some reason I really connected with your message and have decide to take a new approach and be my own leader. I want my children to see their parents living Judaism with passion and joy. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to the week ahead and celebrating Purim with my family. Thank you.
Chava hit the nail on the head
Chava hit the nail on the head, when she alluded to the Baal Shem Tov’s teaching — “when we see imperfections in another, it’s a sign that those imperfections may live inside of us.”
R. Khayim Halberstam of Tzanz says like this, “In my younger days, I wanted to bring all human beings to repentance; later, when I realized that this was impossible, I wished to bring my home town to piety, but I did not succeed; so I decided to try this on the members of my household; I soon realized that this was also impossible, so I decided to seek for myself alone a way to repentance, and even in this I have not been successful.”
Perhaps if we spent more time working on our own tikkun nefesh and actualizing our own portion of Moshiach and spent less time speaking evil of others and pointing out their shortcomings…. Didn’t Hillel the Elder say something about being the disciples of Aaron? Well, you know where I’m going with this.
Loved the article, Chava! Well said!
Footy Referee
Chava Tombosky scored an own goal. Her op-ed and her performance on Dr Phil were against everything Chabad (as opposed to Chabad-Lite) stands for. Her dress was also unacceptable, as it allowed the camera to focus on what was exposed. It may be OK for elsewhere, but not for commenting on national TV.
Enough of this feel-good Judaism. You want that – go to reform. We also cannot save or even accept every neshomo. Some people need psychiatric help, and others just cannot be helped until Moshiach comes.
We have rules. You cannot get the benefits as Pearlperry wants without following the rules. You cannot raise Jewish children al taharas hakodesh if you are living as a complete prutza.
Sadly, we need to write off the Pearlperrys and silence their rants with clear, but tough, explanations of what Yiddishkeit expects and show the Pearlperrys of the world for what they are – empty, immature attention seekers. If we can’t do it, then let the Litvaks do it rather than creating a chilul Hashem by showing that reform thinking is acceptable.
Boteach, whom we all know is a joke, did not do that. Chava Tombosky, who should never have represented Yiddishkeit in public, did not either. Pearlperry 3 : Torah lehavdil 0 – and 2 of the 3 were own goals.
totally agree with # 35
after the comment boteach said regarding his six daughters becoming models i was shocked i could not understand where in the world he got such shtusim from !!!!!
he is completly out his mind and should not even be calling himself a orthodox jew AND DEFINATELY NOT A RABBI (at least not orthodox ) one of the most hurful shows i have watched in my life
Compelled
I don’t usually comment on these sites but was so taken aback by the overt meanness of some of the comments that I felt compelled. Chava, please don’t take any of the mean or angry comments too seriously. Trust me, there are those who do and those who are jealous of them and try to bring them down. I applaud your efforts!
Blog Fan
I read Chava’s weekly blog and think this piece was exceptional! BTW, I think Chava would be better off focusing on the mainstream media outlets. No offense to the folks who run this site but I was really creeped out by some of your reader responses.
To #43 and #35
Dear #43 & #35, If you watch the segment again you will see that Boteach says his daughters should never comprimise their aspirations. Then Dr. Phil says, “So in your opinon she (referring to Pearl) should continue modeling?” Boteach’s response was directed to Pearl’s modeling – not his own children modeling!
Do yourself a favor and look again before accusing him of something he did not say! Trust me, he makes plenty of clearly articulated statements that you can attack him for without fabricating new one.
Esther
We can all agree that no one wants all Chassidic people to be mischaracterized as abused, repressed, and oppressed, just as we don’t want to be lumped in with grown men who spit on little girls. There is a very simple way to express this in a way that’s readily understandable to viewers who aren’t familiar with Orthodox Judaism. Most Americans are able to easily grasp the idea that within a larger religion, there are varying sects and denominations who share a set of fundamental beliefs but differ in a million different ways. And everyone knows that each family is unique and that every barrel, so to speak, has its good and bad apples. Rabbi Boteach didn’t do anyone any favors when, between brazen book plugs, he imagined himself to be a spokesman for all Jews and every Jewish experience and favored blanket denials over nuanced explanation. To most secular viewers, a “dating” process that consists of two brief meetings before a wedding sounds far more like an arranged marriage (with the potential for forced marriage) than the obviously consensual “arranged dating” and carefully considered decisions made by Chabad (and other) young people. But viewers are savvy enough to understand that because someone from the latter group isn’t personally familiar with what happens in the former, they can’t say “this NEVER happens.” To a Gentile viewer, this is akin to a liberal minister denying that there are fundamentalist Christian families whose female members wear long skirts and abhor birth control when the other guests are the Duggar family of “19 Kids and Counting” fame. It is when viewers suspect that something is being hidden that everything falls apart. We need to respect the fact that secular viewers are savvy enough to understand that good, bad, decent, happy, and unhappy marriages exist in every community. We need to be honest about our values as a community- if we don’t model bikinis, why can’t we just say so proudly and explain why? And we need to be clear about who we are speaking for when we speak on behalf of a larger group. In the end, honesty is always the best antidote to sensationalism.
Fake article
To Chava – you live in the public eye? Never heard of you. So you are disillusioned by your own self worth. At least the lady on Dr Phil is more in tune with who she is. Your writing is filled with self-love and bloated righteousness.
# 35
To # 46, Sorry you are totaly wrong, watch again, Boteach specificaly said, he would encourage his 6 daughters to become models.
Open & Honest
The op-ed was really great. We read it at our Shabbos table last week and it started a very good conversation. I think that Chava was very open and honest about her personal experience and I really wanted to thank her for sharing so openly. It really made everyone at my table feel comfortable to be open and honest as well.
Worth A Second Reading
I think some people got too caught up in their angry feelings about the Pearl story. Try reading the essay again starting with the fourth paragraph (after the Pearl lead in) and I think you might really like what the essay is saying.
The Truth
(I’m # 23, as well)
I’m so bored by the pathetic nature and sudden need made in desperate please for attention by once former dedicated frum/lubavitch/chassidic people of our generation.
One wants to bash her roots (Pearl), with her amateur defense made in her boro park accent against Shmuely Boteach’s logical articulated non-emotional statements. Then her boyfriend, caught up in the mess, tried to pathetically back her sentiments with his own dramatics, speaking of his thousands of buddies faced with no choice but to leave their own children for frivolous dreams.
I’m bored, it’s boring- I don’t buy any of it. It’s no longer believable to me- when in our own community religion is used- no longer by many as an identity to stand proudly by- but rather, as a tactic used shamelessly to earn an extra 15 minutes of fame.
For now, Pearl and Shauly- Couldn’t you at least try to loose those thick boro park accents?!
Chabad Chassidus
The op-ed is offering Pearl another way to look at her life. Not everyone has had the privilege to learn Chabad Chassidus and the life skills it teaches to live life to its fullest. Maybe another women out there in a similar circumstance to Pearl’s will read this and the find the inspiration to be her own leader in a more positive way!
S. B.
Chava, I know your husband well, and I sort of know you too. I’m sure you heart is in the right place and you have the best intentions. But I have just one question, by what criteria do you consider yourself a rebbetzin or mashpia? I don’t mean to be rude c”v, I’m just asking. Claiming to represent Chabad (or Orthodox Judaism for that matter) is a serious responsibility.
If you are going to represent Chabad in your article, please consider allowing a mashpia review/edit it before you release it (the content of the article leads me to believe that it hasn’t been reviewed by a mashpia. If I’m wrong, I apologize).
Hatzlacha in your career and in your spiritual growth.
I-m confused
Was this article about Pearl or about Chava?
concerned in MA
To # 47:
Esther, yours is a thoughtful, well-worded commentary. Thank you for expressing it.
Tzfati
Chava I can see your collar bone!! Cover up!!! At least on national television and in front of 10 million people try to look dignified?!?!? Long Skirt=Long Life ;)
To #32
Brilliant? Read it again. You obviously don’t get it. This was paragraph after paragraph of incoherent dribble. She does deserve a few points for style, but zero points for her attempt at substance. I’m sure she would like her distorted vision of Chasidism to be accurate, but it just isn’t.
To Number 54
To S.B. – I don’t think Chava is writing from the perspective of a Chabad Rebbetzin or Mahspia at all. She clearly identifies herself as just a Chabad Chassidic Woman. That is the beauty of the article, just women to women! (Also if you are such good friends with her husband, why not just pick up the phone and ask him!)
M.B.
Dear CH.Info – This is not an op-ed but a post to Chava’s blog syndicated on the Huffington Post, the Algemeiner Journal, and the Jewish Journal. Chava has been writing a personal blog for a number of years which represents her personal musings, thoughts, and opinions (not those of any group or organization). If you choose to repost blog entries from other sites, you may want to better represent the context of that which you are reposting.
See the following links for the difference between an op-ed and a blog.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wik…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wik…
PS – I personally really enjoyed this blog post as well as many of Chava’s other blog posts. My point is – it is clearly not intented to represent anyone but herself.
to 59 by S.B.
S.B. here. If this article was written for Crownheights.info (or for Lubavitchers for that matter), then you’re right. She’d be representing herself and end of story. But this article was written for the “mainstream” audience and it was published on many websites including Huffington post, spiritualworks.org, vosizneias, Algemeiner, Jewish Press, AOL tv, and many others. Not to mention her appearance on the TV show. This is not merely “just women to women”. Whether she recognizes it or not, she is representing Frum Judaism and Chabad to the outside world. Such representation comes along with a tremendous responsibility and requires a certain level of qualification. I’m asking about her qualification.
Interesting point about calling her husband:-). Her husband and I go back a long way. We catch up every time we meet but we don’t speak often (I don’t even have his ph#). Besides, this is a public forum. Perhaps there are others who are wondering the same thing, and Chava can respond to all of us at once…
I’m really not trying to be disrespectful. It just seems to be a questionable representation of Chasidus and our way of life.
MM
Really loved the op-ed. I have soooo many friends who have turned their backs on their yidishkeit just because someone they looked up to really hurt them or made them feel bad about themselves, especially in Yeshiva or when they were younger and really needed to feel like someone cared about them.
Skverer
I met Chava a number of years ago at a Shabbaton and she really helped me move past my own anger and resentments. I was lucky because it really helped move me in a positive direction. Today I am a better wife and mother – and have even become very active in our Shul and community. This op-ed reminded me of all that and made me cry (happy tears).
AJ
I’m sure you’re enjoying all this publicity and checking out everything written about you, Pearl. Chava may have tried to understand you but I think she missed the point completely. I don’t know you, but I know your type! You’re a bitter person who will never be happy and never be satisfied! Guess what Pearl. I’m Jewish, I’m religious, I keep all those ‘antiquated’ rules (try timeless!) and I’m proud of it!!
An awful, restrictive, backwards way of life? This: http://www.youtube.com/watc… is more like it.
Ohhhhhhh really
Ms Reich says:
“it is an undeniable fact that I very well may lose custody of these four precious treasures for whom I would sacrifice my own life”.
Are you saying, whether right or wrong, that you were unaware of potentially losing your children when you decided to leave your husband and religious observance which you agreed to, when marrying him?
Are you saying, whether right or wrong, that further down your timeline, when you decided to bare the bulk of your body, and enable appearance of such pictures all over the internet, you still were unaware of potentially losing your children?
What planet are you living in?
So you were a pioneer, but this pioneering was at the risk, whether right or wrong, of losing your kids.
You knew that!.
“for whom I would sacrifice my own life”. Ohhhhhhh really.
Shlomo
Nobody here knows Pearl Reich. Your comments are all out of ignorance. I know her personally and I can tell you she is a special woman. You people are mean and disgusting. Brush up on your אהבת ישראל. It goes a long way.