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Op-Ed: Judge Not

I am a Crown Heights girl born and bred. A few years ago I moved with my family to upstate to New York. Each time I come back to Crown Heights, I am sadden and shocked to see how our girls and women are moving away from Torah and Yiddishkeit (in their actions and in the way they are dressing). I have wondered why we are losing so many of our girls from the Torah way.

This past month I finally understand one of the big reasons we are losing so many of our children. This past September a very good friend sent her sweet, bubbly four year old child to a local yeshiva. I will be calling this child Mushki. Mushki has a speech problem. For the past two years her parents sent her to Ostar to give her the extra help she needed in improving her speech. In May Ostar re-evaluated Mushki and felt that she was ready to go to a mainstream school. The local Yeshiva was not excited or very welcoming Mushki into the yeshiva.

Since the beginning of school every time Mushki’s parents went to pick her up from school, the teacher would inform the parents of how Mushki was not measuring up. “She is not cutting right.” “She can’t color.” “She does not have good eye contact.” “It takes her too long to understand the weekly Parsha.” “She picks her nose.” “She bites her nails.” “She does not speak clearly.”

Mushki started to hate going to school and stopped being a happy bubbly child. The parents set up a meeting with the teacher and the director of the yeshiva. At the meeting the parents were informed that this local community Yeshiva is not for your child; the parent’s should stop being in denial and understand that their child is “special needs”. The parents asked the teacher if there anything nice she can say about the child. The reply was, “do you want me to lie?” The teacher even displayed pictures of the child picking her nose, in defense of her claim.

These experiences my friend is going through (and has happen too many other parents) is why we are losing so many of our girls. As a special education teacher I can state that there is nothing wrong with Mushki. She is a sweet girl with a speech problem. She knows her letters, colors, shapes, and she can listen and understand a story. Basically, she is an average four year old girl.

When a yeshiva feels that a child does not belong in their school for they are “special needs,” many times the child will feel one of two things. The child might conclude, “if the yeshiva, the place that teaches about the beauty of the Torah and Mitzvas, feels I don’t belong here, then the Torah and Mitvas might not apply for me. They may only apply for the brighter students, who can learn quicker and better than I do.” The second thing a student might feel is hurt and rejection. Even though the yeshiva is not telling this directly to the child, children are very perceptive and can sense when they are not wanted. In many cases these students will feel that not only is the school rejected them, but sadly, the Torah and even Hashem looks down on them. In many cases this feeling of being rejected will lead that child away from Yiddishkeit.

The yeshivas in our community need to change their priorities. They need to stop caring about their school’s scores and start caring about their students. All the students should be made to feel wanted, loved and special because they are part of Bnos yisroel. Our yeshivas’ administrators need to understand that it takes all types of students to make up a school. Educators call this the bell shaped curve. Each class has10 % weak students, 10% bright student and 80% average students (there are different types of average high, low etc…).

I will use my own life experience as an example of why the Yeshiva should not focus on grades alone. I went to this yeshiva that Mushki is going to. I was a horrible student. In first grade I was diagnosed with dyslexia. Throughout my school years I struggled and graduated high school with a C- to D average. Today I am a happily married woman with a beautiful growing family. I also have a very successful teaching career (I went to college and got a BA and a Masters). Most of my classmates that were struggling students are doing just as well as the stronger students are doing in adult life.

All in all, our schools need to understand that vast majority of weaker students will turn into successful adults. Our schools need to make our children feel wanted, special, loved and lucky to be part of Kalal Yisroel.

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40 Comments

  • ch mom

    very well written
    I too have a daughter in a local ch school, I’m always getting calls from the principles who only have negative things to say, sadly I cant understand how such a woman could be a principle she demands repect but she does not respect her students or their parents, just for the record my daughter is smart but needs to be pulled into the learning.
    I hope the right people read this!

  • Our women are learning at last

    Sorry to say it “we are losing so many of our girls from the Torah way” and I am the only one who will because it is taboo to say it.

    The “Torah way” is history. It is slowly dyeing because it is inflexible and unwilling to conform to modern times. Strict Lubavitch traditions are outdated in this time of computers and social interactive women that see the freedom and opportunities that older generations of women were shielded from.

    The men are scared and rightly so because they will lose their superiority over their woman. Talk is cheap they claim woman are the most important in a Jewish home.

    Then show it and encourage your daughters to go to colleges and universities and learn a profession that their children can use as a role model.

    Will this ever happen? Yes it is happening right now slowly but surely Ultra-Orthodox Jewish women thanks to technology are awaking to a modern world.

  • please

    puny. naive. narrow-minded.
    do you really think it’s so simple?

    side point: don’t blame school.
    study after study shows that homes that lack love and respect lose children…
    proof is home-schooled children who go off derech…
    proof is good schools who lose children…
    proof is schooled children who don’t go off, coming from loving and respecting homes…

  • Ad Masai!

    Wrong wrong wrong. The reason is allot simpler then that. The reason is that there’s no leadership. We lost our Rebbe almost twenty years ago, when there’s no Manhig nobody listens to the rules anymore. And on top of that, all the infighting makes things even worse.
    Open your eyes everyone. It’s not about Emunah, it’s about the preservation of Chabad.

  • lucky

    I was very lucky. Although different Lubavitcher yeshivas didn’t want me, would not even accept that I had a disability, and made my life very difficult, the Rebbe was adamant that I stay in yeshiva.

    One rosh yeshiva told my father he didn’t want me in his yeshiva, so my father asked the Rebbe and the Rebbe told me to stay. The Rebbe also gave me a brochah.

    I hope your friend finds someone who cares.

  • I agree

    I agree 100%. Yes it’s true that parents and the school need to work hand in hand but plenty of times the parent is so into the child but the school isn’t. You can speak to teachers 100 times and get absolutely nowhere. Some teachers are just not cut out for the job. They don’t realize that these are childrens lives you are dealing with.

  • As the saying goes....

    IT’S EASIER TO BUILD A CHILD THAN TO REPAIR AN ADULT!! Remember that.

  • tired of empty talks

    I agree with you 100%.
    But this is not the only reason.
    There are isolated cases and generalcases. It is bad out there and one girl influences another.
    The technology is a fact but is not all bad. Because of information we all have more access to things and if you have strong beliefes, will not let you astray.
    A strong home is a very important fact.
    The Rebbe is gone, also a fact.
    Still…
    We base our learnings on the Alter Rebbe, everything is ahavas Israel. That is beautiful, but if schools do not start acting with gevurah against what is going on and just accept everything with Ahavas Israel, will just get worst.
    Pinchas showed the Jewish people what was a wrong doing, so the schools and shuls should start also punishing the families, sorry to say.
    If you want TV, short skirts, lenient kashrus and modern life go somewhere else!!!!!!
    Sorry, sounds gros but would help

  • Annoymous

    Blame is not going to solve anyone’s problem. Acceptance, understanding, loving & positive reinforcement.. These are a few ingredients in bringing up our children. It is a joint effort. As far as technology. You utilize to improve your quality of life. You rule it, it doesn’t rule you. Be humble and your children will follow your path..Most important be a Mentsch and a g-d fearing person. Open your eyes, we have the Rebbe’s words right at our fingertips! Utilize up. We are very fortunate… Just you have to open your eyes!
    Good Shabbos
    Marbin B’simcha

  • sad to hear

    a good article, i too hope the right people read it and think deep. have two daughters to enter the local schools soon and very discouraged.

  • with all due respect ....its nonesense

    the reason why bochurim drop out is BECAUSE OF PEPOLE LIKE U THAT DONT STOP GIVING THEM STUPID EXCUSES
    who made up these stupid ideas that oh his teacher wasnt positive with him he had hard time in yeshiva….
    the simple truth is like most pepole they want to do whatever they fell like doing and with your stupid excuses you are giving them a open door to do so

  • 100 % correct

    Speak to any person that went off the Derech, and most of them will tell you its the Yeshiva’s that turned them off. No one can argue that there are many other factors that contribute, but the fact that the majority of people that fell off the Derech give this excuse, tells me, We have to listen, and look what’s wrong with our system.
    Just look up and down Kingston ave, and look how many of our woman dress in mini skirts, and how many of our men shave or trim their beards. If this is not a statement then what?

  • children need us

    I agree with this writer. I feel we need to stand up for our children.the schools need to give our children a chance and make them feel wanted and loved.

  • needs help!

    People are always looking for someone else to blame. As a mother and a teacher, who has taught in our communities 2 largest girl schools, I can only say that this lady is asking for trouble. This is not the way to be mechanech our children – blaming the schools (even if it were true). That in itself is an ingredient for “losing” a child. However, I truly feel, from the parent & teacher’s perspective, that both schools are amazing! I wish I could say that about my boys yeshivos. As a teacher, I can only say, that most parents are too busy to take care of their children properly. Maybe if they spent a little more time reading to them, playing with them, etc.they would be doing better in school. When I’m in a classroom of 4 year olds, and all they speak about is princesses and different TV characters that they often watch in THEIR OWN HOME, something IS very wrong, but not with the school, rather the homes! Look at yourself and your home before blaming others!

  • Anonymous

    funny you title your op ed don’t judge yet you are doing just that. Remember there is always 2 sides to every story. You only write about what you heard from Mushki’s parents did you discuss this with the school, principal, teacher? or are you just judging based on what you heard from one side. Its easy to pass blame onto the next guy. It helps take the guilt away and this way you don’t have to be accountable for your own actions.

  • WITHHELD

    I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN
    THERE IS A TEACHER THERE YOUNG JUST CAME OUT OF SEMINARY
    WERE THEY DON’T TEACH TEACHERS HOW TO TEACH CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES, SHE HAD A CHILD WITH AUTISM IN HER CLASS HE JUST SAT ALL DAY ON THE FLOOR, EXACTLY WERE THE PARENT LEFT THE CHILD IN THE MORNING, THESE YOUNG TEACHERS THAT GO TO SEMINARY NEED TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO TEACH CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES, ANOTHER TEACHER HAD TO TAKE INTREST IN THIS CHILD AND SHOW THE TEACHER WHAT TO DO
    HOW SAD THAT IS.

  • anonymous

    this article is very well written and is 100% true.
    schools should fix the way they teach!!!!!!!!!!!

  • smile

    ok, in my opinion educational problems and communal problems are interrelated but lets be real, these situations shud be more organized to clearly figure out everything and get to the bottom of it, first of all so true easier to help a child then an adult to #8, plus, if adults can put their money where their mouth is that would probably help alot.. lastly the one who needs to understand will understand.. like they say in hebrew hameyvin tavin

  • Benyamin

    We are at least 50 years behind the Catholics when it comes to special education. When my son was three years old, our local day school (yimach shmo) asked me how much money I made and then recommended that we send him to the local Catholic school. The Sisters of Mercy in Christ Our Lord did more for my son than the rachmanim bnay rachmanim at our local school.

  • Anonymous

    Seminary cannot be expected to teach how to deal with every disability! Special ed. teachers go to college for years!!!

  • lets blame the teachers!

    as long as you find who to blame, you’ll never solve your problems. i too am a mother and teacher- and if you would see what teachers are up against…some kids sadly hardly have a chance since they’re fed such garbage at home. IT IS APPARENT ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL which children are ‘underpriviledged’ since their mothers let them watch tv and videos and where jewish values arent instilled. their thinking skills, focusing skills, purity and innocence, sense of right and wrong are all greatly compromised. they are confused, and its very challenging to teach them.

  • ahavit

    Take a lesson from Darchai Menachem….they scout around, looking for the real deal……people who can teach, and have an ability to do it the Rebbe’s way….with love and respect and care.
    Halevay my sons could have gone there, they really care.
    We did alot of what the Rebbe said, but underneath what he said was all about respect and ahavas yisroel. Without that, what is there. Its like haveing a raw chicken with no stove to cook it in……

  • iit-s ALWAYS the teacher-s fault

    to #18-you really don’t have a clue about special ed . i’m a teacher and i also have an autistic son who can not simply be dumped in a regular ed classroom.as for the child you mention,it’s up to the parents and the school to make sure he’s getting what he needs.that would be a disaster for him and everyone else in that room.some special ed students need a special ed setting,some need support services within the regular ed class.do you understand? it’s not the teachers fault.

  • to comment 24

    The same computer that you wrote this comment on I hope is not the same one you use to catch up on gossip girl with

  • Response to # 15

    The fact that you (a teacher in the system) think the schools are amazing only reinforces why the system needs to change. It’s time our teachers realize that the whole system needs improvement. In the past and present we sent our sons and daughters on Shlichus, now we need Shluchim in Crown Heights to save many of our children. We can blame the Tv, Internet and all outside influences, but if you think the schools are not a factor your living in an outside planet.

  • Parents are the main issue, not school

    I disagree, real crux of this issue is the parents. How much HARD LABOR did this parent give to her daughter at home?? Who cares that she went to Otsar, it really is how the parents carry over with the child at home and do not leave it up to the teachers. Most parents will say that they give it all they got – but I’ve seen “hard workers” and “HARD WORKERS”.

  • concerned parent

    Well said i agree with you 1000% I had a situation were my daughter was rejected because she didnt have the strong hebrew backround what a shame a frum chabad school well there loss she is doing very well in another school they say grades dont matter but they sure do. I hope the schools are real happy with not giving a child a fair chance.

  • concerned parent

    Well said i agree with you 1000% I had a situation were my daughter was rejected because she didnt have the strong hebrew backround what a shame a frum chabad school well there loss she is doing very well in another school they say grades dont matter but they sure do. I hope the schools are real happy with not giving a child a fair chance.

  • Stop blaming teachers

    I remember yeshiva. One teacher in Ohelei Torah told me “your father will put you in the garbage can for shobbos” all because I lost my place in Chumash. Today that guy is divorced and knowing his children they are not what you would call “too normal”.
    Older grades I went to Lubavitcher yeshiva (ocean parkway). The teachers there for the most part were much nicer to me as were the students (with 2 exceptions among the teachers).
    Mesivta in Lubavitcher yeshiva (eastern parkway) was another story. Teachers went on strike on numerous occasions. We had a new principle who wasn’t exactly good at his job (today I’m told he is much better having learned from experience). I had some excellent teachers, some good and some downright terrible. I like to think I ended up OK and I will be very happy if my children are like me (although many in this community would argue). In short, it’s not fair to put so much emphasis on the teacher for a Childs success. kids have many teachers over time. You can’t blame all of them.

  • A Point

    Beautiful article with an on target point and message.
    Teachers and administrators without a positive vision should do everyone a favor and get another job. To be a teacher or an administrator and actually produce successful students, by successful I mean students who enjoy learning and enjoy Yiddishkiet,they must be extra open. A judgmental negative authority for a child is just disastrous. I celebrate the positive, inspiring, cheery educators we got to know, and beg and plead from those burnt out or have a pessimistic streak to just get a different job. A teacher and school have much too big of a responsibility for all children. In the story illustrate above with the child picking their nose, I feel that in addition to the failure of the teacher to be a good teacher, the administrator who took the teachers side just did all the others students a big wrong. Instead of chastising the teacher, she is enabling a judgmental, crude attitude to foster in the classroom.
    Thank you for writing your article. I hope some teachers and administrators are taking notes.

  • Elesoy

    Comment 2 speaks pearls of wisdom, though she’s a little too feminist for my taste. The ingroup sheeple against whom today’s girls AND boys are rebelling are comprised of both men and women.
    The heart of the problem is indeed the inflexible “Torah way”–at least the Torah way how it evolved in and was influenced by Christian Europe. What’s worth preserving about the Torah way will automatically be preserved by its constituency, but there are no quick fixes to the shortsightedness of our leadership, past and present.
    As long as our educational system takes our money with no return of a future, it will continue to lose value like the junk stock it is. L’chaim.

  • to9 number 35

    Ford is a junk bond you can get a good return on that tyhere leveraged so well

  • iit-s ALWAYS the teacher-s fault

    35-wow you get no return? all the teachers are so terrible? maybe you need to look within to find out why you’re so ungrateful.many,if not most of the teachers i know work their kishkas out for their students.as in every field there are some better then others.and believe me taht goes for parents as welll.you can’t believe how many parents are in denial about their own childrenand family situations.

  • Don-t blame the school blame yourselves

    We are losing our youth because everything is allowed in our community!! If your daughter wants to wear untzniusdike clothing and you ignore it, you are the root of all the bad things happening in our community! If your son wants to take off his beard and you ignore it you are the root of all the bad too. Because now due to pair pressure your children are rubbing off on others and here we are all going down hill.. And you men that allow your wives to leave the house like THAT ? Are you also blind?? Please the Rebbe is here even more than he was before Gimmel Tammuz and the Rebbe is suffering from what he sees. If you don’t have Rachmanus on yourselves at least have Rachmanus on our Rebbe!!

  • my two cents

    although most teachers are mentchlech and the problem is usually more from the home, all potential teachers should know: if you can’t be a mentch, pick up a call from a parent, encourage a child to grow, not be angry at them, really care about your students, think positively about your students and not become too defensive when parents have a dillema (yes, its hard, some parents bark can be louder than their bite) then DONT BECOME A TEACHER! You gotta be a mencth and not just be doing it for Parnasah. Have patients for the students who need it! Please! you have such power in your hands. You can build up a child! (i believe that saying a teacher can destroy a child is FALSE; most children have many more emotional resources than a bigotish teacher. Theres other people around who care)

  • Elesoy

    To 36: Thank you for your suggestion. I’ll look into it.
    I don’t blame the teachers, 37; don’t straw man my argument. And I have looked inside–if you’d like to hear about it. I’m ungrateful because my graduating the system with a REAL, universally accredited smicha degree at age 23 left me with no skills in a suitable career field, nor study skills to acquire the skills for said career.
    I don’t blame the teachers for this. Some of them work their kishkes out, and even the ones that don’t are only trying to put food on their family (sic). But our educational system, by and large, does not foster self-sustaining economical support among its constituency, and does not always effectively cater for special needs situations. Our educational system therefore needs to be modified. This is clear, so before it can be implemented it’s just a matter of a) time, and b) number of individuals turned away and turned off by present incompetence. All that’s left is for community members like commentator 38 to figure out how to get their conception of “The Rebbe” to allow for progress.
    Zug a niggun…