Weddings are often very extravagant affairs. It is an opportunity for people to share a joyous occasion with friends and family. If the parents of the bride and groom are wealthy, they will want to invite as many friends and acquaintances to join them in a high-end event, with top level service and entertainment.
Op-Ed: The Wedding Guidelines Fallacy
Weddings are often very extravagant affairs. It is an opportunity for people to share a joyous occasion with friends and family. If the parents of the bride and groom are wealthy, they will want to invite as many friends and acquaintances to join them in a high-end event, with top level service and entertainment.
All of this can cost a huge amount of money. Who can really blame a wealthy person for wanting to treat his or her guests according to their own standards? The problem is that social pressure develops within communities to make big weddings that many cannot afford.
For communities to place restrictions on the size of weddings is therefore a wonderful idea. According to a Ynet report, some Hasidic communities have adopted new rules pertaining to weddings that will save parents up to $20,000.
But this does not tell the entire story. In many of these communities, parents of the bride are obligated to buy the young couple an apartment – a stupendous expense. At the very least, in many haredi communities, both sets of parents are obligated to pay the couples expenses for the first year of marriage.
These costs run into thousands of dollars and many parents have to go into debt to afford it. It is disappointing that the wedding expense guidelines don’t deal with those issues as well.
Haredi families often have many children and each wedding can end up being a massive drain of family expenses. The wedding, however, is only part of the picture – at least for haredi parents living outside of Israel.
My wife and I, thank God, have four beautiful children. Since we send them to a Jewish religious school we have to pay for their education. Each year it becomes more and more expensive.
Of course I am not complaining; it is my responsibility to work hard in order to cover these expenses and I happily do so. But there must come a time when, based on their education, my children will have the talents and expertise to go out and earn a living on their own.
New guidance needed
Whilst it is laudable, for parents who can afford it, to continue helping children for as long as one can, it is unfair that this should be a societal expectation. Seniors in many haredi communities feel financially strapped all the way into their golden years because of the past debts and continued expenses that are associated with their grown children. There needs to be some new guidance on these important subjects as well.
In many ways, the current wedding guidance is backward. Parents are asked to put on a small wedding so that there will be money left over to continue supporting the children after the wedding.
As Rabbi Avi Zarki says in the Ynet article: “When I see people investing money in a wedding instead of in an apartment, leading to debts, I ask the permission of the parents and the young couple and advise them to change their list of priorities.”
But why shouldn’t grown children who are old enough to get married be expected to buy their own apartment or pay their own living expenses? The answer is that the yeshiva education system often does not give young people the professional skills needed to make a decent living and many communities expect young men to continue in yeshiva for a number of years after they get married.
But the cycle of support is nonetheless expected to continue. This is a part of the culture which many seem unwilling to examine and potentially change.
Unfortunately, until the community’s economic model becomes self sustaining, saving $20,000 on a wedding will not fundamentally make a difference to the strained finances of so many in the haredi communities.
This wedding expense guideline is but a small band-aid that is trying to hide a gaping wound that has the potential to mortally wound the entire community. It’s maybe a good start, but it does not go far enough to make a real difference.
Rabbi Levi Brackman is co-founder and executive director of Youth Directions , a non-profit organization that helps youth find and succeed at their unique positive purpose in life.
israel for wvwr
in israel the charaidi teens are extremly spoiled they dont care if their parents have a heart attack and die.they must have their bought apartments. dont ever think about marring a charaidi yerushalmi
BT CH
As a BT with no family support, I haven’t started looking for a shidduch because I can’t afford a ring much less a wedding. I work three jobs just to pay for my CH apartment. Prior to becoming frum, I had a nice career, but that job wasn’t Shomer Shabbos, so I gave it up. I’m now on foodstamps with zero expectations of a shidduch or decent life. Suggestions??
To Levi Brackman
This problem is part of a much larger problem within our communities. But, instead of talking about all Jewish communities, let me just focus on the Crown Heights community:
Boruch Hashem, when it comes to weddings, the Crown Heights community does a little better than the others as far as peer pressure is concerned. However, when it comes to work ethic, sadly, we fall very much behind the others.
In our Yeshiva system, there is a false sense of future. Mashpi’im misconstrue and misinterpret the Rebbe’s teachings, and teach our Bochurim that the future lies solely on “Shlichus”. In other words, there is no need to learn any type of trade, and there is no need to be involved in the “Klipah” of work, because everyone is going on “Shlichus”.
This triggers damage in two ways:
First, it falsly puts Shlichus at the epicenter of “Yiddishkeit”, teaching our children that Shlichus is the most important thing in life, making Yiras Shomayim and Good Middos only secondary. (and in some cases not important at all.)
Secondly, as above, it gives our children a false sense of future, for in reality, not everyone is cut out for Shlichus, and even those who are cut out for it, might not even get Shlichus!
These Mashpi’im are causing embarrassment and shame to Lubavitch and to the Rebbe.
It’s time we start teaching our children about Yiras Shomayim, and it’s time we start teaching our children that Hashem declared “B’zeias Apecha Tochal Lechem”, and that there is nothing wrong with making an honest living by getting a job, and getting the proper training for the job if necessary.
proud but poor parent of shluchim
You forgot something exclusive to Chabad: helping our married children on Shlichus to the extent that we, as parents heading for or at retirement, have nothing left. It doesn’t stop at the wedding!
Helping our children is a privilege but only when we have the means. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case but how do we say we can’t? I know we don’t.
Rabbi Brackman, your article is very good and true but I ask you how many of your colleagues (maybe you also, i don’t know) take, take and take some more from their strapped parents, who give, give, give to multiple families? It isn’t just cash it’s sending frozen gefilte fish, buying clothes for eineklach, sponsoring peulos, sending matza for Pesach, buying tickets, paying electric bills – it doesn’t stop.
We can’t say no and we are proud of what you do but Shluchim need to see their older parents aren’t cash cows. We want to retire and enjoy our “golden years”. Maybe this system needs to change. Thank you for letting me vent.
Alex
Very good article finally somebody is saying that people should learn professional skills and be able to work for a living. Not just do some low wage manual labour. Yeah sure,some small percentage of population can have a nice busyness by themselves or in parents,without any formal education. But for majority to make a living they should go to College and get a useful degree.
To #2
If you are low income,and never went to college. The you can go to City college for free basically or very cheap,even take loans for living expenses. If you did went to college then look for a job according to your profession which is not on Sabbath.
Why you paying so much for an apartment,if you living with a roomate, your bill should be 500-800 rent, so if you making very little for 10bucks an hour 10*8*5*4 still per month you will be making $1 600. Also apply for Medicaid or state subsidized med insurance and section 8 if you are low income. Don’t wait to look for shidduch until you have money,shidduch takes years to find, when you have money it might be just to late,and you will have even less time to look.
yay!
great article! great comments! (and it’s not even anonymous!)
not much of a chance
a useless conversation but no one is really willing to buck the system, and the system exists to protect itself.
Education certainly helps!
I guess #6 never went to college – what a load of illiterate garbage. But after plowing through what he wrote (using a dictionary & a handy grammar book) he makes a valid, if incomprehensible, point.
To #2 – you should be able to make enough to be self-sufficient – at least you seem literate & intelligent. As we all know, it doesn’t take brains to make money (you can inherit it or have great business acumen) but a decent work ethic, a basic education and literacy (which you seem to have) and a willingness to do anything honest should help.
Esther
Yaasher koach Rabbi Brackman for bringing up this very important subject and for your wise comments. It is wonderful that there is more awareness now than there has been for many years surrounding this issue. As Shluchim with a large family B“H, we have many expenses. We also have made a few chassunas B”H and have kept them very basic to be able to give our children more toward their living expenses and to support our married children as they go through kollel and then onto their shlichus. We live in constant debt even though we both have outside jobs as well, and probably will remain in debt for the rest of our lives. We encourage our children to learn skills that can help them earn some parnassa too. Yes, it’s a huge zchus to be shluchim and to raise shluchim, but it’s also a fact of life that we need money for everything we do and cannot only rely on other people, especially our parents and community members.
BT CH
To #6. Thanks for your suggestions. I have a Master’s degree; however, little is available in my field that wouldn’t require occasional Shabbos work. My parents, who worked hard their whole lives, would DIE to see me on medicade and living in a project, just because I became frum. I question whether it is worth it.
LM
To #3
Thank you , thank you , thank you. Why is English an secular studies so frowned on in our circles? What is wrong with educating our children that they so they can support themselves?
I am really tired of hearing shilchus is the only future.. That is so so wrong.
Practical in Lubavitch (oxymoron?)
Rabbi Brackman,
What you say is what most of us responsible parents think. We all went through the Yeshiva System told, shlichus, shlichus, shlichus, otherwise you are an oisvorf. While many of my talented friends went on Shlichus, some couldn’t afford waiting until they build up a kehillah to support them, and had to leave, to make a living for their 5-8 children (oh yes, they also told us have children – lots of them too!) Now our children are getting married, the ‘haves’ children rub it into the faces of the ‘have nots’, to the point of extreme jealousy without future respite.
The vicious cycle will only get worse. Thank G’d the kids that were brought up in the 90’s, for the most part, realizing it’s not easy to make a living, are looking towards careers, having less children, so their ‘zeah apecha’ doesn’t drive them to an early grave.
Pray tell me, Rabbi Brackman, how do we tell our youth, to ‘hold on’ to yiddishkeit, to their beards, to their tznius clothing – life gets’ better! Do we, as Lubavitcher have a plan for our youth – shlichus aside?
There is no Lubavitch organization that help us from within – Krinsky and the rest, who claim to be the ‘heirs’ of the Rebbe, couldn’t care less if Lubavitch outside the Shlichus world would disappear of the face of the earth- they just want the 770 building. The Rebbe cared for every Jew, rich or not, how in good conscience can they call themselves the ‘natural heirs’ to Lubavitch – while ‘aygeneh’ can’t put food on their tables, because they did what they can to follow the directives of the Rebbe throughout their lives, to a ‘t’, but weren’t zocheh to go on Shlichus?
Rabbi Brackman, I give you full credit for bringing this to the forefront. There is so much more to write about the pain that we are experiencing in Crown Heights and the divide between the haves and the have-nots. The Yeshivos of today are NOT the answer – they are living in a non-practical past. We must do what we can to give the proper keilim, both b’ruchnius and b’gashmius, to our children to make a living and, yes, if that means, sending our children who finish mesivta out to get a secular education, if they are shayech to that, then so be it. Let’s hope what we taught them at home, and what the yeshivas have taught them until then, ‘vet zei beishtein’in the cruel world out there.
To #6. Increadible.
to #6. I hope that many people considering becoming frum read your comment so that they will know the amazing lifestyle that lies ahead for them in a frum community. Foodstamps, medicade and living in a project.
S Ziskind
What another community did was have a chassuna hall that let them use a special chassuna package that was economical. That’s what we need: an option for a complete affordable package.
Andrea Schonberger
Why all this concentration on the wedding? It’s only one day. Concentrate on the marriage instead which all hope will be happy and last a lifetime. A big, expensive wedding does not necessarily equal a successfull marriage. I knew a girl whose father had a swimming pool company–she had a very expensive wedding but 6 months later she was headed to divorce court. Save the money for more important items.
To #2
IN what Major do you have your Master’s ?
I would say 80% of Crown Hights live in section 8,subsidized housing,call it what you want, I don’t see shame in it. It is not Projects as Gov run slums. It is much better to use Gov programs for short time until you can get new training,or find better job — because for all that you need time, if you are busy 12 hours day on some minim wage job, you cant improve yourself. It is also much better then getting further in debt on CC or personal loans.
Levi - very true
I agree with Levi’s points 100%.
However, thankfully, in Chabad there is a growing trend of young men AND women who are bucking this trend. Many are going to college to help further their carriers. Others are taking risks as young entrepreneurs.
Many of my friends went on Shlichus. However the vast majority went to work in a variety of professional fields including law, business, online sales, accounting, finance, medicine, computers, etc.
As someone who recently turned 30 I observed that I am part of the first generation of Chabad Yeshiva products (from the last 50 years) who remain frum, and even chasidish, but realized Shlichus is not the only career option. Partly, this is a byproduct of “good Shlichus places” drying up or being saved for children.
But this also has to do with the fact that for hundreds of years plenty of frum chasidishe people worked and had careers – yet remained real Chassidim. Nonetheless, the Chabad Yeshivas tended to ignore all these wonderful Chassidim. They tried to indoctrinate the bochrim (including me) that there is only one option – Shlichus. Anything else will not make the Rebbe proud. Frankly, this is a lie. This has never been the case over the last 250 years is Chabad. For example the Rebbe Rashab’s special chossid was Reb Shmuel Gurary, a businessman. However you rarely hear about this.
Ultimately, Chabad Yeshivas should encourage some people to go out on Shlichus. Yet, it should also stress that not going on Shlichus and becoming a businessman, an entrepreneur and a professional does not mean you are rejecting the Rebbe’s rotzon (will) G-d forbid. On the contrary, the Yeshivas should teach these same people that becoming a businessman, an entrepreneur and a professional does not absolve you from acting and living the same way you would if indeed you became a Shliach.
Maybe if the Yeshivas taught that many of the young adults who are feeling lost and rejected would realize they have not done anything wrong. Rather, the system they were in did them wrong in not informing them that these other options are viable, acceptable and suitable in the eyes of the Rebbe, their families and themselves.
nl
To #2 good luck to you and I commend you for your sacrifices. You need to get married and don’t worry about the expenses. I understand your concerns – just make a small wedding and enjoy life. Don’t set a high standard for yourself just do what it takes to find yourself a good partner in life.
vl
Even the Chassanah packages in our neighborhood are too high for so many people. I’m still trying to pay off weddings that I made two years ago. The whole system is crazy and way out of hand.
Don-t limit your neshomo-s potential.
Number 3 says this best. You miss one point though. Putting shlichus uber alas creates a situation where the only people that go into chinuch, rabonus, etc. are the ones courageous enough to march to their own beat. So this misrepresentation of the Rebbe’s teachings makes it the status quo in the klal that servicing the (not yet frum) secular Jew is superior to servicing your own tinokes shel beis rabon and your own wider community.
The better approach might be to encourage our youth to choose vocations that talk to their neshomos and in the long run is likely to be the one that helps them grow in avodas haShem. It doesn’t really matter whether that turns out to be a shlichus, community rov, bus driver, chaver beis din, doctor, lawyer or author of seforim.
Yocheved
The anonymous attack on Rabbi Krinsky is shocking and mean.
Lubavitch headquarters is involved in all the things it was involved befor gimmel Tammuz. . It was not involved in local Crown Heights matters including even the schools.
Yet I know for a fact that Headqurters office continues the practice of helping needing people in the neighborhood for Yom Tov just like it was done before Gimmal Tammuz.
So don’t just mouth off. Don’t just throw blame around using lightning rod names like Krinsky, who may be from the few people that haven’t changed their song and mo after gimmel tammuz.
Betachin
B”H
A major point that is being overlooked is the importance of priorities. The entire world is saying money first and everything else comes after. In Lubavitch we are striving to make the first priority to be TORAH. That is where the emphasis needs to be for us and our children.
Once the foundation is set and solidified, we can discuss the important responsibilities that come a long with getting married and supporting a family. But it will always be second to the pursuit of TORAH and bringing Moshiach.
We are living in a world of lies…we need to strengthen our trust in G-d and then we see the brachas.
yossi a
We have to learn from other communities that have strict guildlines on extravagant weddings and simchas. As lubavithers we are allowed to learn the good from all people even if it satmar. people in CH think that they must out-do each other.
To BT CH
My heart aches for you. Count your blessings not your lacking.
Perhaps, assess what skill you have what is marketable, and quit your worst job and start offering that skill to the public (such as bookkeeping, brokering etc). If you need, you could always rent a shared room, thus ensuring that you will not have the pressures of high expenses in order that you can create your own “job” and be your own employer, thereby depending on Hashem and not middle men…
Lubavitcher
I wrote an article related to this that I believe you would enjoy:
http://www.crownheights.inf…
Sad and Angry
Keep up the good work. You’ve confirmed my suspicions of today’s frum world. I wondered how younger couples can afford to live in high-cost places like Brooklyn and LA. Parents are not meant to support their adult children. We need to grow up and stand on our own.
I encourage all young couples looking to work and make something of themselves to look at the mid-sized communities dotting the mid-west and southern U.S. Every person counts in these communities. We chose Texas. When you come, tell people you got here as soon as you could.
Julia Dickinson
Tradition is all very well.Here in the UK it was the norm for the Brides family to pay for the wedding.Times have changed.A young couple need a home.They need an income.They also need a ‘bread winner’ in the family.It isn’t rocket science,the same in every community.
We have done it to ourselves.
This is my spin. If the parents cannot afford it, have a Seudah in the house. Why should parents put themselves under so much stress, especially for ungrateful guests that always have something to complain about and think they are doing the hosts a grand old favor by attending the wedding.
Children of today need to be taught that if they want something- go out and work for it. If they want a nice wedding and their parents cannot afford it then they h ave to contribute to it to ease the burden. Why have frum Yidden become so Gashmius? We need to return to a more simpler lifestyle in all areas- Shabbos food, outings for camps,clothes for Yomtov, household furnishings etc etc. We are all our own worst enemy.
To # 2
With a masters, you should be able to get a decent job in fed, state, or city govt. Your degree in many instances, doesnt have to be a close match. In most instances, shabbos is not an issue. In addition, look into state and city civil service exams. My govt job and ba have no connection.
shaina
It all boils down to education which sadly our schools are unwilling to provide for our sons. How can any boy make money if he was never taught to read and write properly. This is the difficult reality of being a frum Lubavitcher in Crown Heights. Maybe the mothers of our yeshivos should petition the schools for education and/or vocational training for our older sons.
Give a Jew a Job
Friends of Lubavitch need to adopt a Mivtza “Give a Jew a (real) Job” (and not just give a check to a chabad tzedaka)
Today 1/31 is designated by Reb Mendel M’Riminov as Parshat(s) Parnassah (Parshat(s) B’Shalach). Although this should be said every day, this daily designation has been customarily said amongst the K’lal for many years during this period of time.
go to
to number 15
there is a wedding package that recently came out…in case you havent heard.
i found out about it from this website actually.
http://www.crownheights.inf…