Posted to Op-Ed on

Op-Ed: Tzena Ur’ena – Just Go Out and See

by Anonymous

There are literally hundreds of girls and boys of all ages looking to get married in Crown Heights today, so why the shidduch crisis?

One of the most frustrating things for a girl or boy in the shidduch world today, is the absurd standards that people have, and the insanity that goes on before a first date. In this target rich environment, the average single goes out with only 7-10 people a year, I believe. A single should be out there meeting as many people as possible, not a measly 10 a year!

So I will step up and become a shadchen, and see if I can’t shake things up a bit.

When a single comes to me looking for a shiduch, there are only two questions they have to answer: 1. are you frum? 2. are you a decent human being?

If you can answer yes to those two questions, then I have a date for you. Actually, I have a whole bunch of people I want you to meet, I can’t tell you much about them, other than that they are frum and decent human beings, so it is up to you to decide whether you want to marry them or not.

If you have a shopping list of conditions just to meet someone, then don’t bother calling me. It is perfectly reasonable not to marry someone based on FFB, Sefardi/Ashkenazi, Nationality, Geshe, age, chasidishkait, education, skin color, height, hair color, family and so on – but only if you meet them first. Meet the person behind that seemingly unmarriable quality, only then can you decide if it is, in fact, an unmarriable quality.

If you just want to get a chance to meet people and decide for yourself whether or not they are good for you, then please drop me an email. Don’t send me your resume, picture and life story; all I want to know is your name, whether you are frum and a decent human being, and that you are ready to meet other frum decent human beings.

Or better yet, let one of our community’s professional shadchanim, who already has all your names, step up and start letting their clients meet each other.

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28 Comments

  • S.Y.

    Why must you waste time and space with this garbage? The world isn’t perfect and your simplifying and belittling the shidduch problem doesn’t solve it or even help it. If you were any less of a coward, you would’ve at least signed you name.

  • a guy

    eh, guys want skinny girls… plus why meet if you have nothing in common? i have better ways to waste my day

  • here we go again...

    I was just about to contact you to help me but… oh…. there is no contact information…. what was the point of that silly article????????

  • great idea!

    BRILLIANT!!! Let the young people find out all that info from each other, face to face, rather from a resume. This is not a job being offered where the company doesn’t want to waste time finding out if you have the qualifications they require for a position. THIS IS LIFE PARTNERSHIP!

  • Been there...

    You obviously don’t have any children in shidduchim. It is not the shadchan to blame. It’s the parents. Usually the boys. They have many people interested in them, which is what makes them very picky, causing, usually the girls, not to get dates!
    And, they have a right to not let their children just go out with any “decent human being”. I think my children deserve better…

  • Yiddishe Mame

    Why set someone up just with anyone? Abi to get many dates a year? I don’t want my children going out with just any decent person. I want to know that it is something that might work!

  • Are you kidding?

    This op-ed is part of the problem, and not the solution.

    Why should anyone go out ten times in their whole life? Does a girl try on 10 pairs of shoes before buying? Well, shoes maybe. What an insult to the intelligence – expecting people to shuffle around and display themselves.

    You become a shadchan. You will fit in perfectly with the current bunch. Especially seeing that you assume that a single who answers ‘yes’ to the questions (Are you decent? etc) is to be taken at face value.

    I prefer to believe that this was written for a joke. At the expense of those in a pickle.

  • by Anonymous

    by Anonymous??

    If anyone is looking for a job please get in touch with me.
    Only 2 qualification needed, to be human and able to talk.
    Annual salary $300,000.00

    Better yet maybe someone else who is hiring can step up and fill this position.

  • 10 dates????????

    10 dates????????? who needs 10 dates? I need 1 date and hope that one works out…

  • Maybe a middle ground?

    With all due respect, the process described in this editorial is much more akin to non-frum dating than to shidduchim. Being someone who started life in that (non-frum) world, I can tell you that *we* (the two people involved) are not usually equipped to know if the other person is really right for them. I firmly believe in the shidduch process – allowing those people with more experience and wisdom help us to narrow the field. Yes, I agree that being too picky is a big problem too; but dating every single frum person is not the answer. Perhaps a middle-ground, where we express to the shadchan about *our* aspirations for life (shlichus, work, etc..) and our middos (kind, neat, hard-working,…), and then trust them to find someone that they – in their many years of experience – feel is compatible?

  • better idea

    let’s just stop separating between boys and girls altogether! let’s start making mixed schools, go to college etc etc… this way we can see out those “decent human beings” and decide if we’re marriageable… I think the author forgot the whole point of Shdduchim…

  • Andrea Schonberger

    Why is it so hard to find a shidduch? I never went on a date in my entire life yet I met shidduch when I was 14 years old only he didn’t know it. I just waited until he realized it. This February we’ll have been married for 29 years.

  • Chaim

    Dear anonymous, (you lousy fool)
    Do you have any idea why there is a shiddach scene? It is to prevent this exact thing from happening. If you don’t like the system then leave it, but don’t tear it in half because you want to meet more than one girl a week.
    Where did you get your averages from? 7-10 dates a year? Are you nuts? Who has time and money for that many dates? you want to up that? An average date cost about $100. take a car $50, gas $10, parking $15 drinks $25. Let’s say half of these girls warrant a second date (because not only are they frum, they are decent)so people are dropping $1500 per year on dates with girls that just happen to be frum and decent.
    So next time you have a thought, let it go, sit down on the couch and think long and hard for a way to make the system better for everyone not just your narrow minded one track self.

  • Bochur

    I understant your “open mided” suggestion, but you are taking a valid point out of context and out of proportion. it is true that both parents of boys and of girls as well, are way to picky these days, and need the perfect bochur of girl for themselves, then after a few years of no luck with this aproach, and the bochur is 24 or 25 and the girl 22 or 23, they suddenly realize that they will not get exactly what they want…
    and everyone finally gets to meet there bashert and marries happily.
    they probably wouldnt have gone out with that bochur or girl a few years earlier…
    Shadchonim are all a waste of time, they have no idea who the bochur or girl is whatsoever, even if they interview them for a half hour or so. all they do is suggest random names which have nothing in common, and they all have the same suggestions, then when you dont want to use any of there suggestions, or the other side is no interested, they give up on you, they are just doing there job when its easy and conveniant, and brings in a little cash on the side as well..

    I would suggest something more productive, and in a Chasidishe vain as well. bichlal, how do you think shiduchim were made back in the good old days? someone who knew both parties suggested that they meet, they met, and if it was meant to be, they got married.
    Why cant it work this way today???
    Any suggestion which comes from someone that knows the boy and girl, there ambitions in life, and the familys to a certain extent, should be grabed without making extensive research etc, dont be picky on yourself, if it come from a reliable person who knows both sides, then it is for sure shayach to work out!!
    Go out and see for your self!
    If it is Bashert then it will work out.
    All this eking and beking and silly standards and conditions dont make a difference at the end of the day.
    I am sure the Rebbe would aprove of this suggestion.

  • More of the same & bored of it all

    #5 you stole my line.

    There IS NOT a Shidduch crisios. There are, however, unrealistic parents who don’t know their own kids & unrealistic kids who forget they need to look in the mirror at themselves first. This is what Shimshon OBM used to tell guys who wanted to date (not necessarily marry) Miss World.

    Now get a life by being REALISTIC. And enough of the same old garbage week after week after week.

  • A shiddach is not a pair of glasses

    Does age play any factor? I mean why set up a sixty year old woman with an eighteen year old guy; it would be a complete waste of time. Obviously, your two question test is abit nieve. That being said, I do agree that there should be an expidited process availabe for those who are interested. Like everything, there is a question of balance. Thanks for raising the topic.

  • please crownheights.info

    Don’t post such article that are a mockery of everything singles go through nowadays. At the very least require an authentic signature to go with the op-ed

  • so what-s this chocham-s name?

    Or maybe he/she won’t post a name because he or she is embarressed?

  • read

    read malcom gladwells piece on “speed dating” very efficient for this type of situation

  • speed dating:

    Men and women are rotated to meet each other over a series of short “dates”, usually lasting from 3 to 8 minutes depending on the organization running the event. At the end of each interval, the organizer rings a bell, clinks a glass, or blows a whistle to signal the participants to move on to the next date. At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure to accept or reject a suitor to his or her face.

  • stupid article

    its a little more complicated than that!
    …and who will i marry if im not a decent human being? ;)

  • Esty B.

    Very funny, #26, but true, as well. People have different definitions of decent…after all, who thinks to themself, “I’m not a very good person”? Mr. B and I were lucky that one of his relatives who was a good friend of my family suggested that we meet. It turned out she was finding out what she could before she suggested it, but I didn’t know it at the time…“Oh Esty, you’re so good with your baby sister…will you want a big family one day?”

  • nl

    Get rid of facebook and all the Goyishe ideas and you’ll see how fast young people will get married!