The above-mentioned is a question that any parent or decent person who is entrusted with children - such as a teacher or counselor - must ask him/herself constantly.
Op-Ed: Are We Abusing Our Children?
The above-mentioned is a question that any parent or decent person who is entrusted with children – such as a teacher or counselor – must ask him/herself constantly.
Most feel that the definition of abuse is limited to physical abuse, or lack of support and/or interest of the child. But the type of abuse that I would like to discuss is one that is never mentioned and conveniently forgotten, but is in many ways the worst type of all.
I am talking about exposure.
In the many years that I have spent in yeshiva and Cheder, beginning at a very young age, I have noticed this issue by many of my friends and in many ways myself.
I have had many friends thrown out of Yeshiva, albeit temporarily, but the emotional damage was done. I have had friends that were in constant combat with the Yeshiva staff, getting in trouble again and again, resulting in embarrassment and shame, including a stigma of “so he is the one that did —“ etc.
The exposure I am speaking about is an exposure that us parents feel that we can handle, it is an exposure that we feel we can live with and still be considered a Lubavitcher Chossid. It finds itself in many areas. I will enumerate some of them:
*Television.
*Watching and following sports.
*Non Tznius way of behavior.
*Improper speech.
*Lack of Derech Eretz.
*Non Chassidishe dress.
*Improper reading material (non-Jewish books).
*Non-Jewish music, and much more…
Almost all – if not all – times a Bochur or child was punished or kicked out of school, it was due to or related to one of the above-mentioned things.
To illustrate the message I would like to convey, I will share a true story that happened to a close friend of mine. We were in Shiur Bais zal in one of the bigger Yeshivas of Lubavitch, and my friend was “Busted” reading a non-Jewish novel. The Menahel of the Yeshiva spoke to him and asked him to give him the book, but the Bochur refused saying “I read this type of stuff at home too.”
To make a long story short, he was thrown out of yeshiva; being that the parents “couldn’t understand” what was so terrible, and the Bochur didn’t have the proper Derech Eretz, he went home for a week.
Being that according to the yeshiva rules it is not acceptable, he should have not possessed that book in the Yeshiva. That was the only violation (besides Derech Eretz of course) that the parents agreed was wrong. But the reading of the book was no big deal…
Later on, I asked my friend “why can’t you just leave go of this reading thing… there are plenty Jewish novels?” He responded by cursing out the quality of the Jewish books versus the Non-Jewish ones. In other words: “I like the non-Jewish books so much better, and the Jewish ones are no match.”
Boruch Hashem I grew up in a family that does not let any of these types of things into our home. I therefore couldn’t really argue more with him or agree, I did not know if he was correct, but he probably was. But whatever the case is, I never had that problem. I never had a issue with any of these things; my issues were that I slept in, or that I failed a test or whatever. Nothing in the direction.
These stories happen every day. It can be with movies, books, music, clothing or anything else. A child is (Generally) a product of a home. If this is acceptable at home, he becomes accustomed to it and stuck to it in a way that is almost beyond return. In words that are more direct – addiction – the habits and behaviors become like food to him.
A child that goes to the sports games with his “Dad” will no doubt go to one when he is in Yeshiva, and almost all boys that grew up in such an environment do so with a prayer on their lips that they do not get caught by the evil Mashgiach. A child that goes to the movies will later have an “illegal iPod” in yeshiva. The list is never-ending.
We must ask ourselves, are we being fair to our children if we hook them onto these things as children and then sending them to yeshiva where it is forbidden? Are we inflicting extra unnecessary pain and restraint on them in their ever-so-close future? Is it not hard enough for them to mature that we need to add this burden to them as well? Are our children’s Yetzer Hara too small that we need to expose them to all this, thereby addicting them to materialism?
Please do your children a favor and bring them up in a warm Yiddishe home that is illuminated by the light of Chassidus (many hear this under the Chuppa and forget that one fast …), and keep the shmuzt out.
Be a parent that your children will look up to by being a living example of what a Chossid is, even if it is fake, thereby saving your children and yourselves (dealing with these types of problems when your children are in yeshiva) from much pain and agony later on.
Whenever I saw one of my friends going to the principal or Rosh Yeshiva’s office, I would give a silent prayer of thanks to Hashem for bringing me into a warm and caring family that had spared me from all the goyishkeit that they are so dependent on.
It-s not just exposure by parents
Growing up we had a cleaning lady. She would wear un-tznius clothes especially in warm weather. As a teenage boy I was often exposed to this and it was bad for me. I would go back to yeshiva and learn chassidus and have images of this in my thoughts. I was lucky that I spoke about this with the menahel and he gave me guidance to control these images. He also spoke to my parents about having the cleaning lady dress properly and made several suggestions. We are quick to trash the “evil” menahel but more often then not they will help. I should add that several years have passed, I have grown and I am now learning smicha and b”h the images and thoughts are under control, but they are STILL there (i expect them to be there forever)!! So parents, think of ALL exposures in your home!!!!
I couldn-t agree more!
Wow! Very nicely written! Point well taken!
Levi
Go back to your cave. I do think one of the requirements though to be a chosid is to write an anonymous op-ed on a website. Even the taliban write their names on articles that they pen.
Iconoclastic
What constitutes an op-ed? seriously?
I have one major issue with this opinion: the gist is that we abuse our children by allowing them to be influenced in a secular way thereby setting them up to be kicked out later.
the story is about chutzpah not goyishkeit per se the premise doesn’t support the conclusion. we are left with the impression that had he turned over the book he wouldn’t be thrown out and therefore no stigma!
minyaner
This is the biggest load of garbage I have ever read! You would rather people be “fake” just so their kid’s won’t be into these kind of things? kids can tell if you are “fake” and they will respond to it… I SURE DID!!
Thank You for saying it!
Beautiful!
A mother
Thank you.
Yankel
Properly written, content to the point. I’m with you on this. Just a shame that such nicely written articles have to be anonymous. If they were to have a name, everyone would bash him by name, as some did (did I say with lack of Derech Eretz?) against Rabbi Wolf.
Quality and content of the comments against this are self-proof of the above-written article.
Anonymous
How about the internet that we are using? Why is this ok? Isn’t is just as bad as TV or movies? I think it is worse but somehow this is accepted. Why Chabad web-sites?
to #5
No one asked you to be fake. GET REAL!! mitoch shelo lishma…I’ve made a lot of changes in my life for my children. I can tell you from experience, seeing how they turned out, IT’S WORTH IT!
RAP
this doesnt happen in the real normal yeshivas were they accept you for who you are and at no point does a person have a ability to get kicked out cause its unheard of and the yeshiva is called RAP in yerushalim best place on the plant they except each bochur on his own level to grow
Get real
People should be more concerned about sexual, physical, and verbal abuse affecting our children. You’re losing more neshomos from that alone….It’s sickening to see you throw the word around to describe exposure to the outside world.
Another mother
for the record all my sons are frum & are at different levels of chassidishkeit. they have semicha. They are in the system, married, doing the right thing, raising children in homes without TV or secular books.
I like to think we raised them right. we have a radio & they listen to sports. I read secular books, good housekeeping, the Daily News/post sometimes, I have a library card.
People tell me we raised nice kids. They weren’t angels esp in Yeshiva but they were never thrown out. derech eretz wasn’t an issue and neither was bringing “contraband” to yeshiva. I think its because we insisted they respected US and we explained the consequences if they took a phone to Yeshiva. actually we didn’t give them phones till they went out of CH for ZAL. Why do they need one when they live at home? If we refused to pay the bills how would they get the money for a cell phone?
Mr. anonymous, you don’t have a clue. If parents ban EVERYTHING the kids will start out doing EVERYTHING. the key is to choose your battles carefully. I don’t see its so bad for a bochur to unwind occasionally listening to a ball game on the radio or reading a secular paper now and again. I don’t think its terrible to have a hobby like collecting stamps, building models, or playing chess. I didnt keep my kids locked up and so they didnt have any reason to rebel. By the way you’re not allowed to use the Internet so why are you writing this?
Finally I take offense at you comparing living in the world with abuse? thats horrible. Wait till you meet up with real abuse.
levi rapoport
well said! its like stupid parents who stuff their kids faces with junk food, and stuff their brains with TV, and then expect them to eat right and exercise :P :P :P :P
Choose Carefully
the point is that there is a disconnect between the Yeshiva and the home. The Yeshiva is trying to provide a Chabad chassidish enviroment that will guide the children in the Chabad derech forever. If there are failures in this derech at home, and the home considers itself Chabad, then the child will suffer and may well turn out less frum than the parents want.
To the child, what he experiences at home is the ‘right’ Chabad way to be, unless he is a baal tshuva and has deliberately chosen a more frum way of life.
Parents may establish their home with some elements not Chabad, that is their choice (R”L), but in order not to loose their children they need to be sure to put them in a Yeshiva that mirrors what is allowed at home. Parents may be ‘mater neder’ so to speak for themselves, but their lifestyle is all their kids know as legitimate Chabad. They must either admit that they are fooling themselves about what Chabad demands of a person and of a family and tell their kids they are weak in certain areas, but they hope their kids do better, and in case of conflict, listen to the standards of the school, or parents need to change the home enviroment if only for their kid’s sake. PARENTS HAVE TO ALWAYS BACK THE SCHOOL STANDARDS IF THEY WANT THEIR KIDS TO BE FRUM LATER IN LIFE.Once the family picks and chooses, the child sees that the highest authority in Yiddishkeit is the individual instead of the Halacha and Hiddur, and he/she may decide to leave observance altoghether. WHATEVER YOUR STANDARDS, BE SURE THE SCHOOL FITS!
A. Tokatchinksy
I have been a Shliach in one Mesivta, and an older bochur in another one. From personal experience, ythoseou were able to contrast, learn with, have hashpaa, farbreng properly with bochurim that were brought up in a home devoid of outside influences, as opposed if they had TV, radio, goyishe books and the likes.
Chinuch was a fundamental value by the Rebbe. If a child grows up one way, he will know, once he gets in the big world, that it’s all shtus. Whereas otherwise, his life get’s ‘compromised’ and it has a lasting impression on the long run.
When dealing with their parents, it was evident where their son’s education was going.
As they say – visiting day in camps is ‘AHA’ day. For good reason.
Concerned in MA
To #13:
Thank you for expressing your insight/experience. You sound like a well balanced individual with a family to be deservedly proud of.