Op-Ed: Dealing with Rejection
My phone rings and I hear the subdued voice of a close friend on the other line, “He said no. I really thought this was going to work out. I feel so rejected.”
Rejection. The word itself stings. Even the Latin original of the word means “throwing back.”
For those of us who have been involved in the dating scene for longer than a year or two, the concept of rejection is not a new one. It could come after we have researched a name and were excited, it could come after we have gone on two dates and were hopeful, or it could come after we have gone out on six dates – after we have invested an immense amount of time and emotion.
And eventually, that abrasive word begins to grate on us. Is it my fault that my parents are Baalei Teshuva? Do I need to lose a few pounds? Am I not chassidish enough? Did I not express myself correctly?
As we turn to our kitchens to eat our feelings, we each begin to wonder, ‘is there something wrong with me?’
People often color the past for comfort. A vast majority of people will pin the other guy (or girl, be things as they may) as a jerk, undeserving, or immature. Somehow, when you dated him, you thought you that he was G-d’s gift to the world, but the second you hear that word ‘no,’ you begin to mutilate every memory of him that you possess.
And perhaps that is the healthiest way to go about things.
However, there is another way of viewing the situation – a way that is possibly more in accordance with the views of the Torah and Chassidus. A way that affords one the opportunity to move on while still believing in the goodness and quality of the other person.
The last words said to the Baal Shem Tov by his father before his passing were: “Fear nothing but G-d alone. Love every single Jew, without exception, with the full depth of your heart and with the fire of your soul, no matter who he is or how he behaves.” This is a clear instruction that every single person in possession of a spark of G-d is entitled to my respect… for on a certain level – that of the soul- there exist no differences between one person and the next.
Every person has a purpose on this earth that only he can fulfill. Every individual is a hero to another and, Baruch Hashem, there are plenty of phenomenally wonderful people in the world. People have the ability to connect with a multitude of others on numerous dimensions. Especially if one is a good talker, there are thousands of people with whom one could have an enjoyable and fulfilling conversation.
But only one out of those thousands is meant for you.
Baruch Hashem, often in the shidduch process we are fortunate enough to cross paths with those objectively fantastic people. We all know the type; those individuals about whom we feel happy with the knowledge that we live in a world in which the other exists.
And for a while, we hope that this is the person that we will be able to spend our lives with.
But the fact that it didn’t work out between the two of us is not a reflection of the properties or characteristics of either one of us. It does not indicate that I am defective or that he is inadequate. Rather, that clarity from either side is a gift from Hashem. It may be a disappointment, but knowing that Hashem is truly in charge allows me to be assured that either this is not the right time for that particular shidduch, or that there is someone out there who is more fitting for me.
There is the oft quoted aphorism of chazal that “forty days before an embryo is formed, a heavenly voice calls out – so-and-so is to marry such-and-such.” For some of us, it just takes a while until we find our such-and-such.
And so, whoever you are that is reading this (and mind you, this article is being written to encourage not only my readership, but myself as well): be confident in your abilities, your qualities, and Hashem’s capacity to conduct this world in a way that is entirely more perfect and complicated than you can begin to imagine.
So if he says no because you grew up non-religious, thought you were too serious, or because he just ‘wasn’t feeling it,’ – the reason doesn’t matter – he is not a bad person and nor are you. He is just not your guy. The person you are meant to marry will find you – and embrace everything about you.
The word ‘rejection’ need not have a negative connotation. In fact, it is a blessing. It brings you one step closer to meeting your bashert… because he/she is out there and searching for you.
Beezrat Hashem, may you all find your ‘other half’ at the right time – may it be soon – and with immense clarity.
Note:
This article is not in any way positing that every person may be satisfied as he/she is. It is important for every individual to confer with a mashpia in order to assess one’s own progress and decisions regarding shidduchim, as every situation differs from the next.
This Op-Ed reflects the views of its author. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CrownHeights.info or its Editors.
Any reader that wishes to make his or her voice heard, on any topic of their desire, is welcome to submit his or her Op-Ed to News@CrownHeights.info.
great insight!
Whoah! This is really good! Thank you for sharing this insight!! Great writer too!!
Yes
great article, I agree.
Best part: “A vast majority of people will pin the other guy (or girl, be things as they may) as a jerk, undeserving, or immature.”
That’s just how people are.
Im yirtze Hashem by you soon :)
shidduch crisis
and don’t forget about the times when he might decide that he made the wrong decision and eventually(if the girl still agrees to try again) they do go out again and end up happily ever after…it’s happened many times!
Beautiful!
Wow, the most beautiful op-ed I have ever read. Everyone needs to read this for this applies to every facet of our lives.
Interesting!
Wow. Thanks. I can totally relate to what you said, and haven’t thought if it like that.
Beautiful!
To the author, This article highlights what a wonderful, warm, humanistic, and forgiving soul you have, and such a good head on your shoulders… I have no doubt that there is an equally kind and precociously wise young man out there who will see this for himself! I have my fingers crossed that you find each other soon!
Rochele
I could have written this article a few years ago (but you did, and you did a GREAT job!!)……especially the part about going to the kitchen to numb the feelings of rejection.
B“h I got married after years of being in the parsha. It really tested my Emunah, as I started to feel like c”v Hashem was “teasing” me– a good idea would come up or a good date would happen, only to then be met with deep disappointment. And this was of course as my younger relatives were all getting married before me, smoothly to the first people they went out with. I felt like I was stalled on the side of the road with a flat tire…Everyone slows down to see, has an ‘oy, nebach’ expression on their face, and is relieved it’s not them who is stuck. As the one stuck, you don’t wish that the other cars would break down too….you just wanna get on your way though.
But now that I’m married to man who was so worth the wait, I realize that I wasn’t really stalled on the side of the road. Rather, I was taking the scenic route, and was able to experience magnificent views that I wouldn’t have seen if I stayed on the regular highway.
So many times I’d daven my heart out…with tears flowing and crying until my eye makeup was gone. I was angry with Hashem that He wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Now, though I realize, Hashem wasn’t “teasing” me or slamming the door in my face. Rather, He was carrying me through it, holding me close, and telling me, “Rochele, the answer isn’t no. The answer is that I have something better for you later”.
Dear sister, this time period is so incredibly challenging. The pain and isolation is so intense…I can still feel it. But I can also feel the sense of gratitude that Hashem sent me my bashert when he did; all the experiences of dating made me appreciate my husband’s character, and I am so happy I had those years to become a better partner.
May you feel Hashem’s presence in this period of your life and feel peacefulness even with the question marks.
Rochel
Such a sensitive, sensible, thought provoking article! And so well written;
The author sounds like a very ‘put together’ person . .
It was a pleasure to read, and I’m sure helped many of us, in that boat!
Thank you for that!!
Thank You
You have put it into an entirely new and refreshing perspective.
Great article
What an insightful and well-written piece. I am sure that many readers will benefit from your perspective as they attempt to navigate the sometimes stormy seas of the shidduchim parsha – and these lessons apply to many other things as well. May you and everyone who is looking, be blessed with finding your true bashert in a timely and clear way!
A freilichen Chanuka!
no one special
The danger of this op-ed is that it denies reality & supports denial. There is no chance to correct or improve our short-comings if we sugar coat them. We will be rejected, in our lives, in various situations. That’s reality. Maybe I am being rejected because I have unrealistic expectations about a shidduch or about a job or about my intelligence. A realistic view of ourselves can prevent rejection.
If, indeed, the concept of bashert is as simplistic as the author presents it, you have nothing to worry about.
Reality teaches that it is not so.
Friend
Dear Friend,
Thanks for writing up this article. I guess when i called you the other night, it was a kinda mutual feeling… At least we know there are quite a few of us going through this at the same time… In the spirit of the Chanukah miracle, may G-d perform a miracle and may all of us meet or bashert, btov hanireh vihanigleh!!
Yitzchak Eliezer
That is y we say “Zivug min HaShamayaim” bec it truely is. The gemara quoted in this article is from sota daf bais Anido alef, that the Gemara says 40 days b4 formation of a child the base kol announces Who is whose Zivug. Thank u 4 this gr8 article this teaches us that it is all from Hashem & no other reason. Thank u
chanukah worthy!
amazing article!
it really got me thinking.
what an amazing author and outlook on life!
Your a bt
Prob. cuz ur a BT. dont u get it?!
Disheartened chassan!
What if you’ve been rejected so many times that the rejection doesn’t even bother you?? What if because of all that rejection you find yourself a numb insensitive person??!! It isn’t always so rosy and peachy and people evaluate and judge you constantly…even more so during a shidduch. My advice for guys: If you want to get married earn a few million $$$$ I guarantee you’ll be married within 6 months!!! Life is life and human nature is just that human nature…no matter if its Chassidim or otherwise!!!!
Positively Positive
Very well written and great article. You are so right but I think that anyone who said no to you is missing out on a very insightful person with a great attitude! I hope my kids find someone like you with such a positive outlook in life!
DaasTorah
You even get dates? I’m a 31 y/o BT. Been frum longer than I haven’t been. I am a nice, sweet guy. Not rich, not poor, just sort of regular. Never get dates. Why? I’m not from a “good” family, aka rich or some sort of ancient connection with a long dead rebbe.
All I want to do is meet, fall in love and marry a nice religious girl.
Mendoza
Such a gr8 article ..y did the writer not put his or her name to it ????
Thank g-d
S’gulah for shiduchim is bikur cholim
28 and just got married b”h I’m so blessed
My advice to all singles is to live your life to the fullest don’t plan your life around shiduchim and marrige. You are going to be rejected at least once while you date. By you running your life around dating is going to make you feel bitter and eventually you mite build a cold wall. Another piece of advice to you is from each date that’s not a go. Turn those date into a learning experience. Use it as guid for figuring out who you are and what you mite be looking for
Good luck and keep faith
From The Author
To all those who gave their feedback on the article: Thank you. I really appreciate your support and comments.
To Number 11: You are absolutely correct. Situations should not be sugar coated, which is the point that I was trying to make in my note at the bottom. Every individual is surrounded by totally different circumstances in life and that is one of the reasons why the Rebbe recommended that every person have a mashpia. However, even when the ‘fault’ lies with my expectations, it is still Divine Providence that it did not work out. It would be destructive to go about life thinking of another or myself with residual feelings of bitterness. Try to correct your outlook and move forward.
Never Mind I-ll Find Someone Like You
“Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead”.
(‘Kabel es hoemes m’mi Sheomroi’)
crown heights parent
Very thoughtful and well-written op-ed. May your Bashert find you very, very soon!
Appreciative
Unbelievably insightful and filled with positivity and the understanding of one of life’s challenges. Thank you for sharing. It helps with the emotional roller coaster ride.
With marriageable sons
Author, I have a son that I think you would be perfect for! How can we get in touch with you?!
no one special
To #21 The Author. The Rebbe did not tell me what he meant so I can not comment on that. My view of a mashpia is one who tells the good news and bad news about ourselves.
“it is still Divine Providence that it did not work out” This comment can be a cop-out. I think that Chabad Chassidus makes us responsible to constantly improve ourselves.
I think that Jewish Theology gives us the formula for modifyingG-d’s plan; Ex: tsuva, tefila & tzedaka.
People should not see themselves as “passive” players in life.
If one wants to speak of psychological theory, one might pay attention and understand the concept of “self actualization”. It might be part of the mashpia process.
Chana
I rly needed to read this. Thank you and good luck!