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Op-Ed: Are Our Noses Too Big?

A Birdseye view of Lefferts Park.

I’m sitting in Lefferts Park. I am horrified by the surroundings.

On one side I see a Jewish mom dressed like she comes from Park Slope, on the other, I see a dad who supposed to be watching his kids but is too engrossed in what looks like a serious phone call, as his children run around the opposite end of the park. Then I see a wonderful looking woman, she appears to be Hispanic, who is pushing a nice Jewish meidele on the swing while feeding her a delicious milchig chocolate bar. As I look over my shoulder I see a Jewish kid playing basketball without a yarmulkah.

I wonder, as I pick up my BlackBerry to write this all down, if I should write four separate Op-Eds, or try to combine them all.

It seems that Crown Heights is obsessed with Op-Eds written in Lefferts Park by some really “concerned mom”.

See, there are always two ways of looking at things: one by judging, and the other by not judging.

I can sit here and write for days on each of these horrific scenes that are taking place around me, or I can take out my nose snipers and I can cut down the length of my nose… Ouch! Now that that’s done, let’s look again at each of these scenes in front of me.

The woman, I know her, she actually lives in park slope. That father, he is a well-known therapist and he is on the line with a high risk client while his wife is at the other end of the park watching the kids. That boy, he may not have a yarmulkah, but he is wearing a baseball cap. Oh and that bar of chocolate, it’s a La-hit Bar.

We are blessed to live in a wonderful community called Crown Heights, a place full of brochos, the neighborhood where the Rebbe taught us to reach out to those who need help and to respect all mankind for who they are.

We are blessed with a park in the midst of our concrete surrounding that has wonderful trees and grass. Yeah, I know it’s fake, but it’s so much better having those individuals playing on it, than having it sold to you in a little bag on the corner.

It’s so wonderful to be able to see that Jewish kid playing with others without discriminating, and how lucky is that wife who has her husband present on a Sunday even though he is half at work. Most important, how great is it that there’s a new mom at home getting rest, as her cleaning lady watches her older child.

Stop taking life for granted, and stop stuffing your nose were it doesn’t belong. When I wish you a good morning, don’t look at me with this “what is so good about this morning?” attitude, realize we are blessed and should give thanks.

Yours truly,
Non-Concerned Dad

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50 Comments

  • Impressed

    Thank you for sharing some optimism. It is somewhat of a commodity in the frum blogosphere.

  • cor

    we can’t change those who are challenging and straying from the Rebbe’s inyonim, we can only try to be inspired ourselves (which means supporting each other in that) and be there for everyone else, who, many being those who are somewhat taking life for granted. Life is stepping up its pace, world situation is in crisis, but what can we do. The best WE can. Thats all we have control over, and we better do that one good.

  • Moshe

    What a wonderful article. It’s about time we realize that we don’t always see the big picture and what is going on behind the scenes.
    I once saw a boy in one of our Chabad schools, who looked like a “sheigetz,” with hair a bit longer than it should’ve been, tight pants, etc. I couldn’t help but think, where are his parents??? Well, then I found out, he was in a public school for 8 years and he’s becoming frum with his family. Through that lense, this kid looked amazing, he was wearing a Yarmulke and tzitzis and had peyos!
    We need to change our glasses and see the cup as half full, it’ll help the entire community and our children.

  • You Said it THE BEST G-D Bless YOU

    To Read a nice pice on Jews Erev Rosh Hashono.
    just a small reminder to all JEWS.
    Search the machzor and You will not find any place
    that read ASHAM HU (HE is guilty)
    and You WILL find So Many Times ASHAMNU = we have been guilty.
    so Erev Rosh Hashono Remember to LOOK IN THE MIROR and say ASHAMNU: we have been guilty and not ASHAM-HU.
    again thank you for being the Barditchover in Crown Heights.

  • disney

    its a very nice article, very good to consider the other side. but sadly, it doesnt always have a fair tale ending. Sometimes that choclate bar is NOT a la hit bar :-)

  • Thinkster

    Nose snipers?
    “Red 1, we have a shnoz at 3 o’clock, 200 yards, do you have a clean shot, over”
    “That’s affirmative, Red Leader, gonna blow that shnoz away, over”.

  • me

    this is a FANTASTIC article…love the way its written and the message!!! everybody should mind their own bussiness and be the best THEY can be…until youre a as good as YOU can be dont tell anyone else what to do.

  • ZV

    Let”s stop all of the judgements and be a positive source of energy and encouragement to others.

  • speaking of dads on the phone

    What were YOU doing writing this stuff down on your blackberry when you were supposed to be watching your kids. (unless of course you went to Lefferts park alone because you like the surroundings)

  • jack

    is this a joke? open your eyes, crown heights is crumbling while you are busy watching a movie

  • balance

    On the other hand, a truly guilty parent could not have written a better article… Err on the aide of caution, not with things like the length of someone’s dress, but concerning issues of neglect, etc. Better safe than first smug and then too sorry…

  • Unconcerned dad

    To 15. That is a good point… HEY KIDS WERE ARE YOU? HEY ANYONE SEEN MY KIDS??? Let me ask the hispanic woman, she may have an idea were they ran too.

  • Crown Heights Mom

    Nicely written, but sorry to say, you must have your head buried in the sand. Yes, Park Slope. The other day, while walking on the avenue, I was thinking, we don’t look like Boro Park, there are no people dressed like this over there, we don’t even look like Flatbush, there are no people that look like us over there. So Park Slope about sums it up. Yes, I too visited Lefferts Park, sad to say, it’s not an encouraging place to hang out. We do need to think positive, and certainly pointing out the problems all the time is not going to fix them (any ideas?), but glossing them over like you do, is for sure not helping matters at all! Sorry! And yes, have a wonderful day!

  • Anonymous

    to 20.
    your right its not Boro Park or Williamsberg, if you want it to look as such, move there. This is Crown Heights were we accept everyone for who they are. Ever think of the success of a Shliach if he were to talk to his baal habatim the same way we talk to out own naigbors?

  • The Camel Does-nt See Its Hump

    To the altuistic community neighbor who sent this communication for publishing: I detect conceit in your rightous indignation. Stop judging other who care!

  • Kol yisroel areivim zeh lozeh

    When you finish using the scissors to cut down the size of your nose, please pass me the scissors in order that I can cut out the phrase of “Kol yisroel areivim zeh lozeh” from my book of maamorei chazal and throw it in the nearest trash bin.

    I have often seen the refrain that people should “mind their own business”, and not worry about the frumkeit-related actions of others. However, I feel this whole concept is of western origin and completely foreign to yiddishkeit. We say “kol yisrael areivim zeh la’zeh”; we must protect each other, both in gashmiyus and in ruchniyus. Li’mashal, if you saw somebody unintentionally drinking poison, would you say “it is not my business” and walk away?

    Also, there is a passuk that says “ho’chaich tocheach es amisecha v’lo sisah alov chait”: “rebuke you shall rebuke my people, and there will not be a sin on you”. This comes to imply that if you could have stopped somebody from doing an aveira and CH“V did not do so, you will have to give a din vi’cheshbon as well. If you see somebody doing something halachicly wrong, you are mechuyav to correct them; and if you do not, you have committed an aveira yourself.

    Now obviously this ”getting involved” must be done wisely, in a way that will not push the others further away; but it must be done nonetheless, and certainly on online forums where you don’t name and shame the people involved.

  • not in CH

    good article.. As the saying goes “”dont believe what you hear and believe only half of what you see“”

  • ppl!

    unless you want a communist dress code, you need to realize that ppl dress differently! wow, what a concept!!

  • LA Morah

    if more people,especially our rabonim,had gotten involved when this machlah of pritzus first started,right around 3 tamuz 17 years ago,we wouldn’t be in the situation we are today.it’s time for those who dress like—– to stop thinking it’s all about them.it’s not.it’s about the entire lubavitch at this point.

  • To # 28

    It’s fine to dress differently. It’s NOT fine to dress not modestly. Know the difference.

  • CHT

    I am concerned about “Non Concerned Dad” that is “not” concerned about “wonderful looking woman” in the park.

  • how to change the world

    if you change yourself you change the world! start by working on yourself and not judging other.
    we all have chisronos and we never know… what might seem simple and obvious to you might be a huge challange to someone else. and something that is a huge chalange to you might be so simple for someone else.

    the way we change the world is by looking at ourselves and chaning what has to be changed.

    the world is just a mirror.

  • Yossele

    What are you all talking about?!

    Crown Heights is no longer burning – it’s already a smouldering pile of embers.

    The Rebbe’s community burned and burned while we were all klotzing on facebook.

    Now nothing is left.

  • no one special

    #20,,,,You offered no solutions; re-emphasized the negative.
    #30,,,,“know the difference.” Minhag & culture have played a part in various aspects of Halachik modesty. The opinions of individuals are best imposed on themselves and their own families.

  • To #24

    I love how you take just one of millions of maamoray chazal and use it to reinforce your ego need to intrude on others and impose on them your narrow view on how they should lead their life.
    The only poison here is your conviction that your own poop doesn’t smell.

  • Who Cares Anymore?!

    When I was younger I actually cared and I used to get sad when seeing those trashy-looking “mothers” showing off their bodies to the crowds of Crown Heights, but then I grew up and realized that each person has his Nisyonos.

    For those women, they have no self-esteem, their husbands and peers are shallow as a puddle and don’t see beyond their (lack of) dress, so they have to get their attention somehow. That’s their Nisayon, and I hope and pray that no one in my family ends up in that sorry situation.

    About babysitters, I have found it that the “hispanic” ladies will do a great job taking care of your kids if you explain to them everything, and for heaven’s sake, prepare a lunch bag for the kid when you send him, and then the Shikse doesn’t have to buy a Cholov Akum chocolate for the screeching hungry child.

    To the father who sat and watched this all, I appreciate your outlook, enjoy the last days in the park before the flip-flop season is over and the women return to wearing clothing and the grass disappears.

    To those holier than thou picking a Maamar Chazal to trash someone else, there are a hundreds of Maamarei Chazal extolling the greatness of the Yidden, and abhorring the judgmental people like you. It might be a good idea for you to read the history of the Jewish people in the 30 years prior to the destruction of the second Beis Hamikdosh.

  • shaboss

    I saw a Hispanic “babysitter” taking pictures of three Jewish kinderlach who she was watching on shaboss morning !!!

  • awacs

    “Minhag & culture have played a part in various aspects of Halachik modesty. The opinions of individuals are best imposed on themselves and their own families.”

    Yes, but – as the Rebbe explains in Yagdil Torah, among other places – there is a *minimum* standard of modesty, which must be adhered to in every place, no what the Jones’ do. Local customs can only increase this standard, not decrease it.

  • like your op ed

    Nice article and definitely refreshing to read all the positivity. Just taking issue with the non jew watching a jewish neshoma. I have seen too many unpleasantness with that even if they werent all dangerous or life threatening. I doubt this woman would hand over her $5000 ring to take to the park. Priorities, priorities, priorities. She should definitely have her to clean her house. But to entrust her most treasured ….. ?/?

  • Yuri Foreman

    Wow! Unbelievable story! My boxing would’ve been use! lol guys and people out there!!!!! ;) Hehehhee

  • LA Morah

    to # 37-you don’t care about trashy looking moms anymore because you grew up or is it really that you got used to it? you see,it’s not just that it’s THEIR nisayon.don’t you see how it’s dragging us all,our rebbe included,down with it? do you realize what’s going on beneath the surface of this type of dress?

  • refreshing OP-ed

    great article. couldnt have written it better.

    all u ppl who are negative obviously missed the OP’s message; stop looking past urself and stop judging others.

    its like we cant ever be optimistic about life and not have some1 with a big nose come around and point out the stain on the window. yes were in golus and every1 has their tests, so work on challenging urself b4 u do onto others (unless ur perfect already)

    Ps maybe concerned dad asked his wife to take care of kids so he can take few min to inspire us, just saying..

    seriously, u ppl have to start looking at your glass half full!!! ksiva vechasima tova to all!

  • you seem to have quite a long nose

    you seem to have quite a long nose yourself
    to know all this info about everyone in the park

  • Rabbi E. Glazerson

    umm…. ok, you had gotten my attention with the first few lines, so, yes, your ploy worked, i read the whole article.

    although your op-ed doesn’t seem to have taken place, it is all just as real and trustworthy as the name that stands behind it – i will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is true.

    however i still do not agree with the perspective in which you presented this park scenario in the first half, and the other extreme in which you presented the scenario in the second half of your writing.

    It is interesting that the man on the blackberry was associated with the kids on the OTHER side of the park, while the woman on the OTHER side of the park wasn’t associated with those kids, who, are assumed to be ‘unsupervised’ in the first half.

    So, the woman from parks slope,… she is jewish? religious? chabad associated? she moved to park slope to escape crown heights?

    and the hispanic woman, you do for some reason or other assume in your article that she is a cleaning lady. interesting. maybe she is a babysitter? isn’t that what she is doing? and if you would like to say that a cleaning lady is a babysitter, then call her ‘housekeeper’. but that would be offensive to the mother “i am keeping to the house”. well, my dear friend you cant play both sides of the coin. if it is your shiksah who is chaperoning your kids around, the one to spend time, and forge memories with them in the park (yes, even on one friday or shab bos afternoon, mermories are forged), and she is the one who is around your shildren, and by default influencing them, that may show as to why some kids are turning out as the adults in the descriptions portrayed in the first half of your piece.

    now, if one were to say that it is ok, to entrust your child (their physical life, and their spiritual upbringing) by having a shiksah ‘handle them’ throughout their childhood, i dont think you should be worried about a measly chocolate bar. d’oh. its obviously kosher. she is at the greatest level of trust. she is allowed to take your kid wherever she will it to be under her sole supervision. you would hope that she is trustworthy and knowledgeable enough to know which chocolate bar to tgive the kids. and yes if you noticed it was milchig, you noticed it was a la-hit. (maybe the kid just ate fleishiks? ;0jk.)

    and the kid with the baseball cap, that one is obvious.

    now, the good points highlighted in this article are true, yes, stop jusging everyone you see. comparing yourself to tother peop[le and saying, ‘oh, i would never (let my kids) do that’ or the like, is a sign of low self-esteem. needing to gauge oneself by your surroundings. torah, and especially chassidus teaches us, that we are to strive to do what is right, be it what may be that others are doing. this is ot to say that we are not influenced by our surroundings, rather that we must not gauge ourselves by them, we must rather gauge ourselves by the word, law, advice and guidance as is given to us by the torah,as i am sure many shluchim have learned.

    yes we are influenced by our surroundingsd so it is important to us that we be encircled by frum, ‘chassidishe’ people (whatever that means), and people who could help us interpret the teachings of our torah and apply it to our daily lives, but we are not however dependnt on our neighbors. we are self standing jews.

    we are not to stand by and watch a community disintegrate (if oyu feel that is what is happening) . if however you do feel that something terrible is afoot, instead of taking drastic (or not drastic, but potentially) hurtful and damging action yourself, consult your mashpia. (note:if he is a satmar, he is not a lubavitcher mashpia.)

    yes i may not think that a kid with a goy in the park is a good idea, and i would not send my own kid to the park like that, but what does that have to do with anything? why vent online? go to your mashpia/counselor/mentor (just make sure he isn’t satmar (or have some other extreme jewhating outlook on life)).

    yes, there are a million different ways to interpret things when we see only half of the picture, and it is very easy to assume things, and to see the way others are dressed, and the size- or laxk thereof of their beards. but do you knoiw of a person’s struggles and situations? perhaps they have a rav or mashpia that has given them specific guidance?

    to finish off, i would like to say:

    if you believe there is something going on that is wrong, to vent, or speak about it (except to your mashpia – to him/her you may confess ;)), no really except to someone who is wise and in a position of leadership – if you think they can help. and it will help you to get it off your chest,

    and most important of all say a kapitel tehillim.

    for that person whom you have observed,
    for your kids,
    and most important of all,
    for yourself.

  • B H

    guess you were buying suff in little nickel bags.

    A nice black lady was huffing as she exited the 4 rain on Schenectady at 11:30 am this morning. She was supposed to be watching Shaya and Ari who had run ahead of her, and another little boy who ws\as too scared to tell me his name or where mammy was. Why were these kids with her instead of being in school?
    Do you really know where your children are?
    Go to the park on shabbos and just see how many of our boys are playing ball – on shabbos – with no eruv – and no yarmulkeh. Open your eyes. If your parents were on the 3rd floor and you are barely on the second floor, where do you see your kids? And your grandkids? In an undergroung bunker? Lighting shabbos candles in a closet so as not to offend their totally reformed parents who speak a better spanish than hebrew or yiddish because you left them with a goy all afternoon! R”L
    there is hope, but you people better open your eyes.

  • Anonymous

    Anyone who said “well you must have a pretty big nose yourself…” is proving this women’s point. Stop being so negative! Understand what she is saying and internalize it!

  • Ozzy

    So refreshing! I live out of Crown Heights and my husband refuses to read any chabad website as he feels that every blog and op-ed article is negative and judgemental. I finally found an article he appreciated! Thank you for your words.. Readers..instead of reading it and trying to pick it apart and find faults, try and allow yourselves to be inspired.

  • Oh, please!

    The writer is offering some insight as to the habit of interpreting things negatively, viewing things in a negative way, and judging before considering the facts or situations of those being judged. Why don’t you consider that perspective? If you can not see some value in that perspective, you are probably so grounded in defensiveness and judgment, you are not able to see things in any other way. I know things can be soooo scary out there, it’s hard to tell the difference between a potential negative and a potential positive. Point taken. But sometimes, a negative judgment is just mean and ignorant. Small-minded, if you will. It’s almost like there are some people who can not tolerate anything or anyone who looks, acts, speaks differently from them. In those cases, I am disappointed in my fellow Yid.