In this article, I'll try to outline what I believe are the major causes of the shidduch challenge as well as propose some potential solutions. My goal is that something concrete should come out of all our kvetching, as in the end, what we all want is to end this frustrating and sad issue ASAP.
Please feel free to comment and add any solutions you think may be helpful. I believe if we are to fix the issue, all of Lubavitch has to come together to do it, from all the factions, geographical locations, etc. Achdus is the only way! Besuros tovos!
Op-Ed: Solution to the Shidduch Challenge
Most people agree that there is a major shidduch challenge in Lubavitch, and that unfortunately it’s only getting worse. However, although many ideas have been suggested, no tachlis has come out of all this yet.
In this article, I’ll try to outline what I believe are the major causes of the shidduch challenge as well as propose some potential solutions. My goal is that something concrete should come out of all our kvetching, as in the end, what we all want is to end this frustrating and sad issue ASAP.
Please feel free to comment and add any solutions you think may be helpful. I believe if we are to fix the issue, all of Lubavitch has to come together to do it, from all the factions, geographical locations, etc. Achdus is the only way! Besuros tovos!
Issues that people have suggested:
1) Many singles are getting older and not finding their zivug.
2) There are more girls than boys.
3) Shadchanim aren’t doing their jobs well.
4) Many singles don’t know what they’re looking for.
5) Many singles are too picky.
6) Many singles, especially boys, seem like they don’t want to commit.
7) Many boys want to marry only beautiful and thin girls.
8) Many girls want to marry only a wealthy boy.
9) The information many references give isn’t helpful.
10) Many parents don’t conduct research well.
Potential Solutions:
1) This issue would be addressed by a system that includes the profile of EVERY Lubavitcher single and was accessible by EVERY Lubavitcher shadchan, so when shadchanim recommend names, singles and their parents would know that these are the most shaiech ones for them, and they wouldn’t wait for a hypothetical “better” name to come up.
2) This issue is actually very simple. B“H, the Lubavitcher population is constantly growing, and although this growth is approximately equal in boys and girls, as boys tend to marry younger girls, there will always be more girls than boys as there are more people in the younger age group to begin with. The simple solution is for boys and girls to only date people who are close to them in age, and even for the boy to be a bit younger if everything else is good about such a suggestion. If shadchanim started to offer such suggestions, and a few ”choshuve“ boys actually married girls who were a year or so older, the stigma would go away, and this whole problem would be solved. Also, we should keep in mind that the reasons many ”older“ girls aren’t enagaged yet are varied, and the often assumed reason that it is because they are somewhat less desirable is rarely the case. Often, these girls became older even before starting the shidduch process waiting for an older sibling to get married, were busy finishing their studies, were not emotionally ready to marry, or just didn’t find a suitable match, sometimes even because they haven’t yet found a bochur on their Chassidishe level. These varied reasons makes it crucial that shadchanim suggest older girls to same age or even younger boys that they feel could be shaiech, and that the boy’s parents inquire why the girl isn’t married yet, without assuming that it is because she is somewhat of a second-class girl. Eventually, iy”H once all the “older” girls will be married, if all the singles will marry people around their age, this issue will never happen again.
3) Often this is not exacly the issue. I believe all shadchanim actually try their best to help, although certainly some do a much better job than others. However, if all shadchanim had access to the system I suggest should be established, they would have a much easier task to accomplish, and would lose much less time finding out correct information on the singles, and most importantly, the famous complain of how come the shadchan didn’t suggest so-and-so (often the simple reason is just that the shadchan didn’t know about that person because he/she wasn’t on their list, but on another shadchan’s because that’s whom their parents had chosen to list them with) wouldn’t happen because ALL shadchanim would have acces to the profiles of ALL the Lubavitcher singles around the world.
4) This issue has many reasons. Often, parents look for someone totally different that what their child needs or wants. Other times, singles are too young or emotionally immature to know what sort of life they wish to lead, what sort of person would be compatible with them, etc. Articles on the new site would be helpful, give advice from the Rebbe’s letters, suggest the single speaks with his/her mashpia, etc.
5) The truth is many shadchanim suggest matches that are very different from what the singles asked for. It’s true that sometimes singles or their parents are unreasonable, but many times shadchanim suggest people who don’t fit because they don’t have anyone on their list who is more shaiech. Both reasons for this issue would be fixed by the new site: Articles for parents and singles, as well as letters from the Rebbe, would give advice on what is truly crucial and what is only secondary to look for in a husband/wife, and the complete list of EVERY single in Lubavitch would eliminate the “not being on this particluar shadchan’s list” issue.
6) It seems like the cause of this issue is that many singles like the person they date but aren’t sure if they’re “the one” for them. If they knew that their shadchan had access to every Lubavitcher single in the world and that from the names that were suggested, this one seemed the most shaiech, it’ll help them to either confirm their wish to get engaged or alternatively to look into another suggested name. In other words, the situation will be clearer for eveyone involved, and the singles will be able to focus on their date and the compatibiltly between them rather than thinking that there may be a theoretical person out there who is more shaiech (which is why this thinking is more prevalent in boys, who know that there are more girls than boys so they supposedly have more “choice”), as this thinking could chas vesholom be endless, and unfortunately many people feel that they would have been a better fit with one of their husband’s/wife’s friends after they get married…
7) It doesn’t seem to me that this issue is true. Although many boys say this, what most mean is that they’d like to marry a girl who is fairly pretty and isn’t fat. It doesn’t at all mean that they’re looking for a girl who resembles a model. As can be seen, many beautiful, thin girls aren’t offered many suggestions if their reputation in other things besides beauty and thinness isn’t fairly good. On the other hand, many girls who’re not very beautiful and not thin marry wonderful boys thanks to their good qualities. Regarding the few boys who aren’t reasonable, this issue should be addressed by articles on the site, maybe restricted only to boys, and shadchanim, parents, and mashpiim should also discuss it with those boys who seem to need it. In addition, parents and boys shouldn’t view marrying a beautiful, thin girl as a trophy to show off their wealth, etc. This goyishe thinking has unfortunately crept into some boys’ minds, especially older boys in business or college.
8) This issue will be addressed in the new site’s articles for both singles and parents. Many times, this issue isn’t truly the girl’s wish, but she has pressure from her parents to marry a boy who will support her so her parents won’t need to help in the beginning. Singles and parents should be explained that money isn’t the most important aspect of a shidduch. Also, a young man can’t be expected to be wealthy at a young age, and the money his parents have probably isn’t his but his parents’, and most of it probably won’t eventually end up in his hands anyway, and even if it did, he may not be good at keeping it. A smarter approach would be to look for a bochur who has the capabilities to be able to support his family adequately later. This would also prevent some boys from thinking that if they wait to make money, they’ll be able to find a better shidduch, something that isn’t only contrary to Torah and the Rebbe’s wishes, but can chas vesholom bring a terrible downfall in a boy’s purity and Chassidishkeit. In addition, if less emphasis would be placed on money by the Lubavitcher community bichlal, and the admiration and respect shown for wealthy people, girls wouldn’t be pressured into marrying money. The respect and admiration should be for the people who follow the Rebbe’s wishes, are Chassidishe, Shluchim, teachers, Rabbonim, Talmidei Chochomim, and consequently, these will become what they girls will strive to marry.
9) This issue wouldn’t be so important in light of the info on the new site. However, singles would be able to point references to articles and advice on the new site about what being a reference entails, how to answer questions, etc.
10) This issue would be dealt with simply with all the singles info on the new site, as well as some articles about how to conduct proper research.
All-Encompassing Solution:
All the above solutions could be implemented into one all-emcompassing one, and this is by requiring ALL Lubavitcher singles to register on a website such as ChabadMatch and to fill up the entire profile themselves, not their parents, as parents many times view their child differently than the reality and wants a shidduch for them that isn’t what the child actually wants or needs. Even just the process of completing their profiles would give singles the opportunity to think deeply about themselves, their attachment to the Rebbe, and what they’re looking for in their life partner. I particularly like ChabadMatch’s reflective questions, the way the shadchanim have access to all of the singles’ info relative to the privacy they keep with the other people, and their reasonable fee. As I attempted to demostrate above, this simple solution would make it clear to everyone which singles could be shaiech so people know that they’re not wasting time dating the wrong person when there could be other singles out there that would be more shaiech. Also, shadchanim and parents would be helped so much as they wouldn’t have to search for basic info that references many times don’t know. This would make the parents gain valuable time in their research, they would know the info is accuarate as it’s provided by the singles themselves, and it would help shadchanim match like-minded singles.
Another suggestion is that shadchanim could also specialize. For example, a shadchan could specialize in Chassidishe singles looking to go on Shlichus or Chinuch, another in singles interested in going into business, another in singles who went to college, etc. This would give the shadchan more insght into these singles mentalities, what they’re looking for, and give him/her more access to this particluar subtype of singles, know them on a more personal level, and consequently make better recommendations. It would also be imperative for each single to personally meet with his/her shadchan at the beginning of the shidduch process, as many shadchanim don’t have a personal feel for many singles on their lists as they have either never met them or just seen then for a few minutes, not exactly what should constitute a serious, professional “meeting”.
My hope is to included everyone who has contributed to help the shidduch challenge. For example, the LubavitchSingles list includes most Lubavitcher singles and requires them to register with an e-mail address. This database could be used to contact singles about registering on the ChabadMatch site, instead of the two sites competing with each other. In the future, Yeshivos and seminaries could be the ones to require bochurim and girls to register, but as most singles, especially girls, have been out of the educational systems for a few years before they start looking for a shidduch, maybe just telling the students about the site but requiring registration only upon actively beginning the shidduch search would be more reasonable, and would be enforced by the shadchanim the singles eventually register with, who would ALL have access to the site and be listed on it, for this new system to work effectively. The groups such as the Chicago Shidduch Group, Chabad Shidduch, etc. could also be involved. For example, these groups could organize a learning section on the singles’ website where singles would have a weekly Hashkafa article about the Rebbe’s advice, links to SIE’s Eternal Joy, Chassidishe dating, Halachos, etc. There should also be a learning section for parents, and another one for shadchanim, each section with advice about the issues facing those particular people.
This new system should be not only sanctioned, but taken care of the movement as a whole, regardless of the geographical location of singles or political affiliations. Maybe it should be under the auspices of Merkos so it takes on a more official position. This is a point that could be discussed, but the most important consideration is that everyone should feel this is a system for them, for ALL of Lubavitch, regardless of their beliefs. So many good ideas have been proposed and good things have been done, such as the LubavitchSingles list and the ChabadMatch site, as well as the various shidduch groups; however, in order for the shidduch challenge to be completely solved, we all have to come together and combine all of these partial solutions into a comprehensive and effective one. It doesn’t matter whose idea it is, but that the solution should help all of the Lubavitcher singles everywhere, now and until Moshiach comes bimheira beyomeinu Mamosh!
My heartfelt wish is that we can all come together and fix this problem at last. Maase hu haikar, and it’s time we all stop kvetching and start to work. We have to do it NOW! The new system should be up and running by Tu be’Av which is a very auspicious day for shidduchim! And may all of the shidduchim that come about build binyanim adei ad that will be zoiche to have all of the Rebbe’s brochos and bring Moshiach NOW!
not important
blah blah blah
Zahava Krevsky
Singles should know that it is imperative to register with Dor Y’sharim before they commence with a shidduch. This is a simple genetic marker test in which the single is anonymously (a number is assigned to the person)screened for various genetic issues that could contraindicate a potential
shidduch .
Leibel
Menucha,
Oh so naive and idealistic.
While your opinions penned here are worthy of a PHD thesis, the reality is much simpler. Lubavitch today has only two categories of boys, Shilichs and Frei. It iss sad but I went through the (boy) system and can tell you there is no such category for good boys that just want to earn a decent living. No encouragement for professional / entrepreneurial careers. At the end of the line in the system, these boys give up and just try to go it alone, as in alone with no yidishkite since that is the “only” option. Of course its perfectly acceptable to be frum and working, but who wants a “working boy”, he must not be too frum is the perception.
Need to give up that mindset of only one option for being frum. We seem to have the absolute worst work ethic, its time to pull your own weight. All this money that we demand in tuition must come from some where, but it seems we have a built a system that fails to create future families that are independent earners.
shidduch seeker
nice article thanks
mm770
Great article, with a very practical solution. This all encompassing website- is it actually being made, or this is all in theory?
MM
i’ve been thinking for a long time that the Lubavitch Singles list should be easily searchable in age range, country of origin, chassidish level, etc. so instead of having a big huge list, it would be easier to get an accurate list of names.
Also, having a contact email or phone number next to the name would help those looking for more info. to have it easier to access.
Sometimes friends look out for other friends, so maybe ChabadMatch doesnt work for them.
Laaniyas Dayti
Without knowing (probably) #2 hit the nail square on the head.
Menucha speaks of dating (a goyishe concept); Zahava speak of “commencing with shiduchim” instead of “start dating”.
Those who present themselves as mashpiyim and mashpiyos and speak of “dating” – they are at the core of the problem.
Think Jewish. Think Chassidish. “Go Out” “Go to meet..” BUT DON’T dste. It is the ultimate trap. A revolving door.
Withheld due to controversial opinion
If someone just stepped up and admitted that this issue runs far deeper than anyone cares to admit would be the first step in the right direction.
Many guys are willing to get married, want to start a family, etc. However, those which aren’t “cut out” to go on Shlichus and are not as savvy as their counterparts and haven’t started running a business for their parents’ basement at the age of 15 are left to fend for themselves. They have however witnessed many of their friends struggle with the finances and obligations of marriage and are themselves somewhat more hesitant at an older age.
If we agree that the first step is to imbue confidence in our young generation — in whatever area they choose to pursue — that would lead to a higher rate of Shidduchim. Many of these insightful young men and women will be able to get past the most mentally challenging fear — which is how will I avoid being evicted or eventually being sued for their debts.
Think early, think the future. You can’t fix the wheel of a carriage when the axle is broken.
not true #3
#3 not true. lubavitch is not only 2 typs of boys. ther is a middle class. A boy who is frum but not nececerly wants shlicus. and is a very frum boy. my sister just got married to such a boy.
Frustrated-With The-(NON-)System
I am looking for the exact type of person that you, Leibel, describe yourself as, for my daughter.
And there are dozens more parents like me who feel the same way.
Just looking to figure out how to make it happen.
Any ideas???
to #3
right on! you took the words out of my mouth, since i started working there is no incentive to even try n’ better myself, since to everyone i will always just be “a working bochur”
. where are the none working bochurs gonna pull out 15 grand yeshiva tuition from?? im getting all the head start i can get
On the scene...
Some good ideas, but no answers here. Shidduch problems are caused by attitudes, from parental obstructionism to singles’ own individual issues that keep them from getting a shidduch. Parents want the “best deal” that they can get for their child, whatever that means to them. Singles have to have proper hashkofa and guidance. If you REALLY want to get married, you and your parents get very real and go for what’s truly important to the single. Computers are only a tool. More talks from R. Groner and serious mashpias, please!
Happy
Hang in there, Gentle-people, the match will surely come.
Ariyeh Leib Segall
What about those forgotten souls…?
Those of us in the 35+ age range, who are Baal Teshuva, working,
and seem to have been written off as difficult …
just because they are looking for someone not afraid of using their brain..
There are many of us in Crown Heights and around the country that seem to have become invisible in the eyes of the community as a whole…!!!
It is high time to stop ignoring this vital group !!!!
to on the scene
No I don’t REALLY want to get married, I just MAYBE want to get married. And something tells me you are not truly on the scene and if you are you don’t really understand anything that is going on
To #13
lol!
The Gentle-people will indeed wait!
question for no. 7
No. 7. Please answer .what is the difference between going on a “date” and going “out” When you go “out” you are going on a date.
Louis
NO 11: Not enough hotels in Crown Heights.
Reb Louis
On # 2: So your suggestion is that if everyone gets married, there will no longer be more girls than boys?
HuH?
MOSHIACH
Chabadmatch should also look at the for yishorin and compare them Also that one major thing that’s good about JETS is that it prepares guys for life
Eureka!
I had a great laugh, thanks.
You should work on nuclear proliferation next.
A girl IN the scene
hi,
so i am a girl in the shidduch scene.
after reading this article, i had a few feelings.
at first, i said, wow, someone out there is thinking about this for real, and is trying to solve the problem.
Then i thought, hmmm, but WHO will actually implement this?
I would gladly join the list. I agree with a lot of the things you wrote. And, i’m glad you also wrote a solution for each of the issues.
BH i have amazing parents who are working really hard at it. and i’m sure they would be so happy if such a site would open. so often they feel in the dark…they feel like theyve sifted through all the options…but apparently not, cuz i still didnt find him.
So if someone can open such a site- or even further it- Organization, i’m sure it will be successful!
D M M
When I was a bochur age 22 my parents spoke on this subject at length with me (I did give them a hard time) my father (who was a big mashpiah in lubavitch) told me when do gaist zich zen mit a maidel your mindset should be if this is your basherte do you want to marry her or would you rather stay single for your entire life.
When my children (some of whom fond their zivug some are in the process and some are yet a little young for this) ware dating I told them the same thing. And this helped a lot in them deciding if the bochur or maidel is their bashert.
Reb Levi
This column is the perfect place to solve all those problematic shidduchim, what!
get out of the denial river
BSD
#8 hit it on the head. lets get real folks. lets step out of denial and really apply chassidus to this situation. let us take to heart what our Rebbiem did. they set us a fine example. The alter Rebbe gave his whole dowry just so several hundred families could settle on farm land and make a living. The Baal shem tov made sure people had gashmius and then filled in their ruchnius. Not every kid can be a shliach in the proverbial sense. we are all on shlichus!! we have to tell the kids they count!! i once knew a kid in the system that was treated poorly because he could not learn. he was good but could not learn.He was made to feel like bupkis and eventually at one point thrown out. years latter he built a business and one day some people from his former yeshiva came to ask for money. He told them politely what had happened to him when he was young and refused to give them anything. whether he was right or wrong was another issue. Think about this folks.yeshus, bittul, was all this learning in vain all these years? when will we learn?
MY RESPONSE FROM A SHADCHAN
You all want reality? Well here it is!
I contacted a well respected Shadchan about one year ago for my son, and after exchanging information and following several phone calls, the Shadchan told me in no uncertain terms “I am sorry I cannot help you”, as to my inquiry for the reason the Shadchan answered “because your son is not in the norm” As to my inquiry to explain that the Shadchan said that “there are two types of Bochurim / boys” one that went through the Yeshiva system, and one that did not fit and went astray, but your son is nisht ahin un nisht aher, he bailed out from the Yeshivah system in his early teens but yet never dried zach with girls and never experimented with drugs, so in my books he is “not normal” and therefore I can not help you. This is a true story from a parent that is still looking for a like minded “not normal” basherte for their dear son. And now you know the reality of the rest of the story!!!!!!
sephardim marrying ashkenazim
There is another problem: many Chabad families do not want to do shidduchim with sephardim, even thuogh they are chabad. I therefore really feel that someone should take upon themselves the task of formulating a list of all sephardic chabad singles and try to match them up. It would help a lot.
The other thing is that people should really be open minded: one proble with shidduchim these days is that many people have a strong image of what they expect to marry, but in reality it could be quite different. Perhaps there are ashkenazim who are meant to marry sephardim. perhaps some older girls are meant to marry younger boys. Perhaps some people are even meant to marry outside Lubavitch, in order to spread the wellsprings…I dont know but what I do know is that more concrete action and organization should be done to promote shidduchim more easily.
annoyed
Chabadmatch has some serious issues.
Theres no way for a single to directly or indirectly connect to any other single. If a single has a shadchan listed, and the shadchan knows about the profile on chabad match, then yes … otherwise, you are in the dark, completely.
Chabadmatch is also sorely lacking in alot of functionality. The search is useless, as the single list gets bigger, it makes the search worse and worse. The questions they ask are great for some things, terrible for other things.
Also everybody lies on their profile. A girl that watches movies, tv etc all the time will never put anything more than “Watches videos at home” . You can almost never gauge the chassidishkeit or anything of a girl or boy from their answers on chabadmatch.
The key to the shidduch crisis is the parents who constantly put their needs over that of their children …. They wait until their child is pretty much undatable due to age before slightly relaxing their petty criteria.
Ive seen parents whos girls are basically frei not letting their daughters go out with guys who don’t go arent interested in shluchus. WTH is with that?? Of course your daughter isnt married yet.
ticked off, disappointed & over 35
as to comment # 14 he is right on.Issue 3 The shadchanim not doing there job is 100% true I fall in the 35+ category have been looking for a long time.Shadchanim don’t want to know from you or out right lie to you if you are not a shpitz chabad or are without connections & money.Facts are facts While many people without connections struggle to find a good job earn a living a 20 yr old pisher with no experience barely reads english but has connections including two brothers with big money & influence get’s a nice cushy paying job in the community council that requires english reading & writing extensive computer work etc. so they bring in a 2nd person to help the pisher do his job.The position should have gone to someone a yungerman with experience but because he has 2 bwd phd( brothers with dough piled high & deep & connections pisher got the job without being qualified &without even applying a site is only as good as the people who connect to it.You can have a site with 10,000 names but if the shadchanim won’t do their job it’s worthless what is really needed is public kosher singles events such as shiurim & a get to know each other maybe even a version of speed dating where shadchanim are present put 2 together for a short period of time where both make notes & at the end of the night each meets with the shadchanim again to discuss their notes. The shadchanim then compare 7 take things further.Shadchanim should be run like a business since it overwhelmingly is a business. give them a salary a office & the shadchan office get’s paid a fee from both sides after the wedding
Shmuli
I’d like to thank the author for making a summary (with ten points) of all the previous Shidduch articles in one article.
On behalf of all the singles in Lubavitch (or at least those who have been looking for a while), although we love reading shidduch articles, they are quite painful to read and we would prefer to read about Bochurim eating Cholent with Karkafta’s on Merkos Shlichus. Please place a link to this article all the way at the bottom of the front page so whoever feels the need to read about or comment on the Shidduch crisis can do so. All the issues needing to be discussed have already been discussed. It is not necessary to write more Shidduch articles. They all say the same thing and as this is a good one, this can become the new Chabad Shidduch crisis Bible.
P.S. All those who wish to help singles get married by writing articles, please find another way to do so. This way works the least. Do something! Actions speak louder than words!
Lubavich Boy
Where can I get one of these Shiduchim? sounds good!
Ich tracht
Chabad match should make a promotion somthing like 50 percent off of the fee maybe more people will sign up.
Maybe give a gift for every sign up. Idk
SHMULI
I agree, actions definitely speak louder then words!
someone had to say it
Here’s an op-ed for you.
There is no crisis. It is all in your heads. I am a 24 yr old boy who married the second girl he dated. The first girl was suggested by a shadchan and as described as the perfect match having everything I could possibly ask for. Turns out there was not a single thing we agreed on in relevance to our future lives. I suggested a boy for her to the shadchan the following day and they got engaged 3 weeks later. I in turn got married 2 months after that to a girl slightly older than me who was suggested by a mutual friend.
2 things to earn from this story is firstly your friends are who you should turn to they know you dont be embarrassed or overly secretive of the fact that you are dating. and secondly shadchanim suck!!
Now that I have shared my success story let me tell you a few things to help you on your trek through this awesome part of your life.
before looking for a shidach make a list of 25-40 things about you qualities hobbies levels of chasidishkiet and the sort list them in level of importance. find out the qualities of the proposed date and see how they compare if they are way off move on.
there must be compramise in marrage but there are some things that are non negotiable. for example if you are the kinda girl that dress the way she should (not like the rest of ch but thats another op-ed for another time) and tznius is not on the guys list its probably not a match.
Let me explain why things that are important can not be compromised.
A man and woman get married and the husband goes to work and the wife is home, the neighbor comes over and he tells this woman that he wants to “be with her” she says absolutely not i couldnt do that. so the guy replies I want to “be with you all day long” you dont want at all we will compromise we will be together 3 times a week.
everyone has to realize that every boy and every girl is different and they cannot be categorized in to 2 groups. it is irresponsible and silly.
there is a big difference between boys and girls from australia and those from new york and a big difference between those from los angeles and those from london regardless of their level of learning and chasidishkite. this is why i suggest figuring out your qualities and comparing them with potential counterparts.
I went through the system as did my spouse i have friends who have gone through the system and have married those that did not and vise versa. Do Not StereoType. it is wrong and stupid.
Here is another thing people do that is wrong. people say things like “ she could have done better” or “thats what he ended up with?” if you have ever said these or other similar phrases then you are part of the problem.
The question you have to ask yourself must be more pressing then do you watch movies? when I was looking for my spouse that was asked all the time. it is not revealing at all and is a set up for false information. look deep into yourself and figure out what you really want. and most importantly
DO NOT BE PETTY!!!!
I have heard dates end for reasons like his parents live in another country and I dont want to have to pay for flight for the family every yomtov.
why didnt you think of that nonsense before
i dont think we should go out again because although he is a great guy already making a great parnoso is attractive and comes from a good family i am not sure after just one date that he is the one and he is to sweet of a guy for me to break his heart if he falls in love with me but it turns out that i dont love him.
grow up get a life no wonder your 26 and single.
a guy picked up a girl who asked him if he would mind swinging by her home so she could get a sweater he immediately drove her home and wished her the best of luck.
i think he is 28 now and yes still single.
there are tons of stories from both boys and girls of immaturity and when everyone just grows up everything will fix itself
and everyone lived happily ever after.
On the scene...
Sorry, but when a person REALLY wants to get married, they make that a priority and choose the person that comes their way and they make it work. Holding out for someone who has it all doesn’t pan out for everyone, most mortals have to settle on something, because unlike fiction, no one is perfect, just people. If you REALLY want to get married instead of MAYBE, it happens because you make it happen. You know that He/She is your besheret when you stand under the Chuppa with them.
to someone had to say it
You have arrogance oozing out of every paragraph of your enlightened comment. Obviously it was hasgacha pratis that you married the second girl you dated, it came from G-D NOT YOU Yet you go on to state the reason why people are not married and you are. Not always do we human know the reason behind everything,not always is it up to us, even if we do everything possible and everything right. The example that you bring up are SOME people not even most most single are like that yet you RAMBLE on for everything just because you think you did something right and others didn’t it is beyond arrogance. ( and I wish this website a just a LITTLE sensitivity to people and not publish your comments ch.info please think before you publish)
To Someone had to say it
such extreme examples, most singles and older singles are NOT like that. I have to say that
to someone had to say it
wow. I think YOU are the one that needs to get a life, the singles as you disgustingly described in your comment are very some. Not the majority at all. MOST singles( that I at least know, and I know a lot) are NOT PICKY,they are smart people who have their right priorities straight BUT ARE NOT PETTY like you stereotyped.( and you tell others not to stereotype) so you know some people who where petty and picky they are probably the only people you know. And don’t think just because you are married and others are not it is because something you did or didn’t do. thank Hashem for it bec it’s all him.
to 34
I couldn’t even read what you wrote,much as I tried, the spelling is so horrific. good thing you are ALREADY married.
to 34
You rock, thanks for sharing!!Oh if only everyone can be more like you then we wouldn’t have a crisis at all (sarcasm)
Girlsaregolddiggers
Here is the REAL issue- THE GIRLS ARE TOO PICKY! Seriously! Girls are golddiggers who want one thing and one thing only- MONEY. If you have it then you’ll have no problem finding a girl.
to someone had to say it, you are a hypo
your a hypocrite, you say that people shouldn’t stereotype but
that’s exactly what you do. So their are some singles who are petty yet many & most are not, why sterotype them?
to someone had to say it, you are a hypo
your a hypocrite, you say that people shouldn’t stereotype but
that’s exactly what you do. So their are some singles who are petty yet many & most are not, why sterotype them?
to 34
you lack basic human empathy. so if you by any chance consider yourself a “friend” of some single, go concern yourself with your wife and children. we don’t need you and the likes of you.
thanks for caring though.
Khol-s cares
I think what needs to be done is have a Facebook vote off that has become so popular in Chabad recently. list all singles and have all chabadniks get 20 votes and the top boy and top girl will get married etc.. maybe have seperate lists for shlichus. In no time every one will be spaming their friends to vote for a certain boy or girl.
to 41
actually the opposite is true, notice how there are more girls then boys? sorry
best solution.....
all the single girls in ch, which is a quite a few — no need to point that out — should dance down kingston in their white dresses!
to 47
i like your solution the best:)
to kohl-s cares
look like somebody has been all kohl’s cared out!
to on the scene
you are so inspiring, now I REALLY want to get married- to anyone- and when I stand under the chupah- I will know it’s my bashert- why didn’t anyone give this advice before, it is just wonderful!
to 35
you have no idea what you are rambling about and they shouldn’t even post your comment- it and embarrassment to this website, this article and anyone associated with you (even though you are to cowardly to post your name)
A Yid
OKAY, there are a few problems with this final solution.
Number 1: You have no possible way of getting all Lubavitcher singles on one website. You know why? Because I won’t subscribe. I believe that I will find my basher BEH without having to be just another name that you find with the search engine. Now, the big problem is that I’m not the only one who says that.
Number 2: What if my bashert is Israeli? Good israeli families sometimes don’t even have internet!
Number 3: MAJOR! How can you tell boys not to date younger girls?? Are you the person sitting in shamayim making shidduchim? What if his bashert is 5 years younger? I understand that you should tell them it’s not a problem to date older girls but you can’t tell them not to date younger girls and “solve” the problem. They’ll just sit around waiting because they’re bashert is younger?
Thank you for addressing this important issue! Only the solution won’t really work. I think the solution is really to start working and finding shidduchim for all age groups and all types.
Hatzlocha
commitment problems
as far as i know the girls are shafting the boys, long dating then breaking up, engaged then breaking up…..it seems the women are having the commitment problems!
A girl
Number 3 ur so right i always say this! Number 26 im not surprise this is just how it works tokay, it’s realy sad . As a single girl i don’t think this website would work im a person and would like to treated like a person not like an object for sale i wouldn’t never pût all my Life of a website for thé whole worldwide can see m’y info
Ba
53 i think this days girl and boys are very pressure d from familly, shadchanim… That they rush if only they would go out a bit longer it would help thèm be more confident in théier decision
to number 52 A YID
Can you rephrase your comments regarding “solution”.I was taken aback reading it even though you probably didn’t mean any harm
to Menucha Cohen
You seem to take this issue seriously. I am interested in seeing how these ideas will become solutions, but whatever happens I thank you for taking us singles serioulsy and not just throwing around advice such as “they are to picky” or“they don’t really want to get married” ect ect.
ATTENTION ALL SINGLES
Use this time before you get married to EDUCATE yourself on marriage. Their are many great and helpfull books that can prepare you for all sorts of situations that can turn up once you are marreied, as well as how to make the most of your marrige. If you use your time well, you may even be happy that you had some time when you were single to learn about marrige before you got married. rememeber that marriage is not fairy dust that turns everything magical. so learn and be smart.Learn as much as you can.
Lets think out of the box
Elephant in the room!
Menucha Cohen,
How about mentioning that meeting people from other Orthodox groups is an option??Like that we could multiply the shiduch options greatly
My cousin, a Lubavitch girl, recently married a very decent Litvishe boy from E.Yisroel.She had always said she was looking for her bashert, wherever they were from.
huh
to #26 something similar just happened in my family, because we’re BT sephardim. Sheesh.
to #27- that’s seriously offensive. I KNOW that there are many ashkenazim that won’t marry sephardim…you guys need to get your heads screwed on straight. We’re just as good as you, we’re just as frum as you. You think we’re the “problem” to the shidduch crisis? Take a look at the world around you first.
non pictures!
dont ask for a picture. with a picture comes a judgement. dont judge someone before you meet them!!
Elephant in the room
1) You missed the main option which is allowing guys and girls to meet naturally.
2) you’re list of “10 solutions” seems to be just ten elements of one idea that is very idealistic and would not fall into the category of “concrete”..
That line is from a Master Mashpia...
You know its your besheret when you stand under the chuppah with him/her is from R. Manis Freidman. He also said you should print the invitations. The main idea is first you get really serious about getting married, and then who it will be falls into place.
RG
2 suggestions:
Stop parents from blocking shiduchim for their children
Pay shadchanim by the hour so they will have an incentive.