I wrote an op-ed a couple of weeks ago titled “Love Your Fellow Crown Heightser As Yourself” and hope it was well received. Another piece, “Are There Any Lines for Chabad's Ahavas Yisroel?” recently responded to it. This is my response.
The article concluded by asking two questions:
1. “Do not the individuals who walk here at home in Crown Heights and call themselves Lubavitchers also deserve rebuke?”
2. “Are there any lines for Lubavitch’s Ahavas Yisroel”?
Re: Are There Any Lines for Chabad’s Ahavas Yisroel?
Dear Crown Heights Residents,
I wrote an op-ed a couple of weeks ago titled “Love Your Fellow Crown Heightser As Yourself” and hope it was well received. Another piece, “Are There Any Lines for Chabad’s Ahavas Yisroel?” recently responded to it. This is my response.
The article concluded by asking two questions:
1. “Do not the individuals who walk here at home in Crown Heights and call themselves Lubavitchers also deserve rebuke?”
2. “Are there any lines for Lubavitch’s Ahavas Yisroel”?
I think that the answer to the first questions is yes. The answer to the second is a resounding no.
(With regard to the example that was brought from Spain: Very few people go into the category of publicly flouting halachah and saying that is the way of Chassidus ch”v. Anyone who does is a joke. It may be necessary to state this publicly lest people think its true, but the vast majority of people know that it is simply ludicrous).
Where is the rebuke coming from? And what are its goals? The answers might seem simple but often are not.
Where is this coming from? Am I upset because I care about this individual and know that they are hurting themselves (physically and/or spiritually)? Or, just maybe, is my ego a little bit involved too?
What is the goal? Is it to vent? To show that I care? To demonstrate that someone is taking a stand? Or is it to influence the other person, to show him or her that there is a better way to behave?
A rebuke that comes from genuine caring, and whose goal is to motivate and inspire is no contradiction to Ahavas Yisroel. Just the opposite! It comes entirely from Ahavas Yisroel!
On the other hand, a rebuke who’s source is my ego, or who’s objective is to express my feelings, this kind of rebuke has little to do with kedushah. It may very well be coming from the very yetzer hara that I am trying to fight.
This idea is based on my understanding of the teachings of Chassidus and especially the Rebbe’s sichos. Following the Rebbe’s ways entails a powerful love for every Jew not based on their behavior but because we’re a family. So let no one say they are fighting the Rebbe’s battle using negativity and animosity.
At the same time, the Rebbe speaks constantly about the absolute obligation every one of us has to teach, to inspire, to motivate, to influence, to bring Hashem’s children close to Him. So let no one say that following a path of unabashed, unlimited ahavas Yisroel leads to an attitude of “let everyone do whatever they want, I can’t say anything, I’m held back by ahavas Yisroel”. No, you should say something, sometimes you must. With a smile; with genuine caring. With the goal of making the other person feel good! That is the right way, that is the holy way, and that is the way to be effective.
If we are standing up for the Torah we must follow the ways of the Torah. “Drache’ha darchei noam, v’chol nesivose’ha shalom”. Its ways are pleasant ones and all its paths are of peace.The Rebbe quoted that countless times and advocated an attitude which, while uncompromising on Torah standars, was equally uncompromising on the “darkei noam” and “darkei shalom”.
I’ll end with a famous story (told particularly well by Rabbi Laibel Schapiro of Miami Beach):
The sun and the wind were arguing about which one was more powerful. The wind challenged the sun: “See that man down below, wearing that heavy coat? I’ll blow it right off him”. So, the wind started blowing. The man felt the chill and responded by tightening his coat. The wind blew stronger, the coat started slipping off and so the man closed all its buttons. The wind blew evern stronger, the man closed the belt. The wind kepyt trying and trying. The coat stayed on. Tighter than before. “Are you finished”? the sun asked. The wind had to admit defeat. “Let me try” said the sun. And the sun shone. And shone. The man started feeling warm and opened a few buttons. The sun kept shining. Within a few minutes the coat was off. The man had removed it himself.
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Rochel Goldblatt
rochelgoldblatt@gmail.com
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Chaim Tovim
Rochel,
Since it is close to impossible for a person to have such self awareness as to know whether or not the rebuke is coming purely from a place of Ahavas Yisroel or is tainted with ego or other traits, it is thus, according to your own reasoning, best never to rebuke anyone except for yourself.
In order to solve the tznius crisis in CH, we will all need, as a community, to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves whether our focus is inward or outward: inward to true values, thus modest, or outward to some ulterior motives and hence vain and immodest.
Tznius is intrinsically related to lifestyle: If a father’s attitude is how much money can I make in order to be comfortable, in order that everyone see how successful I am, so I can drive a fancy car, eat in fancy restaurants, and so on, then no amount of schooling or school employees looking up his daughter’s dress to see if she is wearing tights will convince the child of this father that tznius is necessary – she will have learned that it isn’t.
If the child’s mother dresses “modestly”, but is most concerned with how glamorous her clothes, house, car, shaitel, etc are, her son will get that message and realize his parents value externality and not true values.
I see this in my own class: those young men whose parents are TRULY chassidish became TRULY chassidish young men and fathers, w/o the school having to harangue them.
We all have to look deep and realize that we can’t have our cake and eat it too. Our children are greatly affected by us. If we focus on real things, true values, our kids will too. The schools won’t need to be looking up our daughters’ skirts. If our focus is on shallow things, our kids focus will be on shallow things too.
Oh, and one last thing. To all the staff at BR and BM: Please stop the horrible practice of embarrassing a girl for her dress/tights/clothing. All it does in create another person who hates Yiddishkeit. You have to think of other ways to do it…
Avraham Yosef Follick
The line is clearly expressed in today’s Chumash (Devarim Re’eh 13:7-12) If a Jew, even someone very close to you, tries to get you to worship Avodah Zarah then it’s a mitzvah NOT to have Ahavas Yisroel for him or her. Otherwise it is a mitzvah to have Ahavas Yisroel.
7. If your brother, the son of your mother, tempts you in secret or your son, or your daughter, or the wife of your embrace, or your friend, who is as your own soul saying, “Let us go and worship other gods, which neither you, nor your forefathers have known.”
8. Of the gods of the peoples around you, [whether] near to you or far from you, from one end of the earth to the other end of the earth;:
9. You shall not desire him, and you shall not hearken to him; neither shall you pity him, have mercy upon him, nor shield him.
10. But you shall surely kill him, your hand shall be the first against him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
11. And you shall stone him with stones so that he dies, because he sought to lead you astray from the Lord, your God, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
12. And all Israel shall listen and fear, and they shall no longer do any evil such as this in your midst.
Chaim Tovim
PS What I would add to this is that we are constantly bombarded with foreign and immodest imagery and influences from western society. We are told that are value is in how we look, how much we make, which social circles we associate with, and so on.
As parents, not only do we have to insulate ourselves from this, but we have to really be leaders and guides to our children, teaching them what might be called old school values and that the pursuit of consumerism and physicality is not a path that leads to happiness. If we live that way ourselves, our attitudes will be reflected in our children.
A Shliach
The problem in Crown Heights is not Tznius. It is disaffectedness. Tznius is only the symptom. Attacking the symptom without addressing the underlying cause is like seasoning the kishke without cleaning it first. People don’t remember the Rebbe, are not sure what it means to be a Chassid today, not sure of the meaning of their relationship with the Rebbe, have trouble making said relationship personal, and are deeply disappointed with the leadership such as it is. This feeling spills over into other areas of basic Yiddishkeit as well. There is a lack of meaningfulness and directedness that once characterized Lubavitcher Chassidim. Ironically, the people who are on warpath about the Tzius issue suffer equally from this. Their campaign is there way of looking for meaning in Yiddishkeit and Chassidishkeit. Each individual and especially those who have influence must spend time every day considering what it means to them to be the Rebbe’s Chassid, and how best to convey that to the people around them.