49 Comments

• girl

  You should NOT have posted this article.What will follow is a bunch of people blaming singles for their state of singlehood in the form of comments, weather or not it’s true. sounds sad but it’s true

• teenz rock

  as always, shidduchim is a very touchy subject, so as a 15 year old, ill just sit back and watch the rest of the comments fly, while i look on and thank g-d im not there yet.

• mendel

  Evryone, once you get married disscuss your friends with your spouse and try to set up for them a shiduch.
  You have boy friends, you have girlfriends, helpo them out!!!

• feel the same way

  very well said

• Unknown

  The problem, as I see it, is that people want someone exactly like themselves…this cannot be…compromise on some not-so-important things and you will open your horizon.

• looking for a shidduch

  you are so right on the money! If only more people would care

• ;)

  are you a man or woman?

• chaim ber

  why mention slim?? seriously i am turn off already

• Dear Author!

  short sweet to the point!
  I hear you and feel for you.
  when i dance at my friends weddings, they tell me, my husband and i are going to make shidduchim! you are first on our list! well, im still waiting for a suggestion from you, (you got married a year ago..)
  Dear friends, please sit down a couple of minutes a day, try to brainstorm with your spouse. We aren’t asking that you be the shadchan, but at least pass on the names.
  I am so happy for all my married friends, and i hope that they will think of me.

• this is great for you!

  youre right! whats your name? there are unfortunately many older guys and I’m sure many of us would have some suggestions…

• Shabbos

  What she’s trying to say is that she wants to meet some single men but she wants to keep the same chasidishe lifestyle that she has right now.

  she is 32 years old so it’s hard to find a nice single 32 year old chasidishe man that’s not married yet.

  so in slang “Hook a sister up”

  Find out about this person and set her up on some dates with nice chasidishe 32 independent 32 year olds.

• Eizah Toiva

  Do you really want a shidduch ? Sign your name and Im quite certain there will be several intrested parties.

• MMB

  Don’t worry, marriage is overrated, anyway.

• To #7

  At first I smiled when i read your comment, but to answer your question, she says maybe she should wear shorter SKIRTS, usually, (only usually) GIRLS wear skirts…=)

• tell us who you are!

  then at least we can suggest someone for you!

• gg

  Hey,
  so im single as well. I agree with most of the stuff you said. I don’t know what the pronlom is. Its definitely not shadchanim. Whoever relies on them….good luck, you either get lucky or not. its not a solution to get married. The solution in my opinion is to just look for yourself. You see a guy thats over 22 and somewhat normal, find out about him and go out. As long as the person is decent, a mentch and stable, and you share somwhwat of the same goals and ideals….you just need to go out and see for yourself, everybody has to stop concentrating on the details because at the end of the day no one really knows who thier gonna marry and what thier gonna be like, theres no way to kknow whats best for you and whats gonna work. so just go out, and leave the mothers of the boys out of it cuz they want a skinny perfect girl from a gezhe family more than the boys even care for.
  thanks
  XOXO
  gg

• To chaim ber:

  You’re turned off by slim. What kind of guy are you?

• Mommy

  You’ve inspired me to make a move
  my husband and thought of a girl for a young man in our community.
  have three pitzelach can make things slowly move from todays to do list till tomorrows, you know the routine
  so i have now send some emails, and pray it will end up with a mazel tov!

• another girl

  If your 32, then how could you have students that got married?
  Did anybody else have this question when they read this article?
  And I personally know many married people that are married and spending time on shidduchim for their friends. I’m not saying that all married people do this. I’m just saying that there are many that do try and make an effort. Also, I felt that this article was saying that chassidish girls can’t find a shidduch but more chilled girls can and that’s not true

• DO WHAT THE REBBE SAYS

  THe Rebbe says to learn Chassidus for a Shidduch. Learn More Chassidus!

• shvigger

  I am a shvigger a few times already B”H. Some of my friends could be YOUR mother, Ms. Writer. So let me just address these parents, including my selfish, stupid, bigoted friends whom I love dearly. That doesn’t stop me seeing what’s going on.

  Get real. Stop looking down your noses because the girl I suggested for your aging-out son isn’t gezer enough, rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough. Stop rejecting older guys for your older daughter because they are BT’s, working, not working, divorced, divorced-with-kids, never married, too tall, or too short.

  In other words…decide if you want your kid to get married. At some point you have to let go of your control issues so your kid can be happy. Your dreams at age 22 don’t apply at 32. What do you want, a 22 year old beauty queen with money for a 37 year old? That would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

  Face facts. IT ISN’T HAPPENING! Stop rejecting everyone for stupid reasons. So the prospective spouse’s family isn’t your speed? Is YOUR family so perfect? How about all those skeletons YOU keep pushing back in the closet? At this point, do you think it matters?

  Get off your pedestal and face it. YOUR KID WILL BE SINGLE FOR EVER IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS CRAZINESS! Be grateful if, at this stage, you still get calls. Leave it to your son/daughter. You’ve already rejected so many & the choices are few & far between.

  Is this sounding familiar, parents?

  Ms. Writer: I know some great older men (mid-to late 30’s, even older.) If you can give me an anonymous email & some details perhaps I can help.

• A caring friend

  Coming from the other end..a married(BH)friend who has actually suggested and set up a few of my friends ,though unfortunately not successfully I”d like to just say that its not that easy!!! We wish we could do more…u think when we have u over for Shabbos meals our hearts don’t ache for you…believe me they do. PLEASE EVERYONE TAKE HER QUEST TO HEART…HOWEVER HARD IT MIGHT BE…TRY TRY AND TRY AGAIN

• Ariela Yael

  I hear the same story all the time from singles of various backgrounds–men/women, frum/not frum, Jew/non-Jew: “I want to get married but I can’t find the right person”. I have been happily married over 27 years so I feel I am entitled to give some advice. There is no such thing as the “right” person; instead find a person who is compatible with your lifestyle. When on a date don’t put your best foot foward, put your real foot foward meaning don’t give a false impression of who you really are. Don’t automatically rule out blue collar possibilities if you happen to be white collar–I have come across some very nice and well-heeled plumbers. If you really want a shidduch you can get one–there’s someone for everyone.

• Michael E

  You had me at slim! Lets give it a shot. Pick you up at 8?

• A Bochur

  nice article. But why do girls that the Bochrim want shorter skirts !!! i, and many of my friends (most who do not even consider themselves Chassidish) continuously critize the size of the “Crown Heights” skirt!

  If you are not too Chassidish but have Tzniusdike skirt, you actually have a higher chance. (there might even be a line for you, as its hard to find (now-a-days)a open-minded girl who actually is Tznius, here in Crown Heights)

• Still the shvigger

  Ariela Yael is right. I forgot to add I’ve been married 35 years and my husband is not perfect. You know what? I’m not either!! We are still married, still enjoy being married & are happy. You can have that too, just lower your expectations & demands & learn the art of compromise.

• Sincerely yours

  I would like to address another problem as well. My daughter was married for a short time. I don’t understand where all her married friends are. Don’t they realize how important it is to have her over for a Shabbos meal? Why cant they think of even one young man that would be willing to go out with a young lady who just fell into a bag marriage? Why not reach out and help someone in need? Why not go the extra step and do some chesed. You never know when you might be in need of some chesed yourself?

• to # 7:

  she mentioned a skirt i think

• Shidduch Crisis ?

  No.16 is right, despite all the spelling mistakes. So you are a “victim” of the “Shidduch Crisis”? Perhaps you are a victim of your own pickiness? How many guys have you been out with? 40, 50, or more? and not 1 of them was good enough for you? You probably already dated your Basherte, but, with your critical eye didn’t know it. Going out with guy # 51 or 52 is not going to help. It is your change of attitude and willingness to concentrate on the most important areas, and disregard the unimportant imperfections which we all have, which will net you your “catch”. Good luck.

• Alone & Lonely..

  I understand and empathize with your plight. But consider my situation… I’m 50, divorced, poor, have children and live in a city far from NY with a small Jewish community.

• Simchas by Yidden!

  And don’t forget that its perfectly OK for a girl to marry someone younger than her as well! By the way… there is a great (secular) book on the market called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”. It reinforces what #23 and #29 said… There is no such thing and Mr. (or Miss) Perfect… Just go for the important things. B’soros tovos!

• All by myself...

  To #13:

  Marriage is only overrated if you’re not putting your all into it! Try being single and raising children on your own, with no other family. The loneliness is UNBEARABLE and the prospects are slim, especially at this age. There does not seem to be any light at the end of the rainbow.

• from the author

  Can’t you please just let me vent for once?
  I’m not in CH and I wanted to be heard anyway.
  For those who didn’t understand: besides for people in scotland only women wear skirts, so I’m a girl.
  To the person who doesnn’t believe I’m 32: If you teach high school students when you’re 22 and they’re 16…can’t they be married with a few kids yet???
  The reason why I wrote that I’m slim is to make sure no-one would suggest that I should look more representable/loose weight etc, because that’s not the issue.
  I learn chassidus, I do what the rebbe wants and I just want to get married. So I wrote a short article to vent AND to wake you up. Think of older girls and boys please. Is that too much to ask? At least ONE person woke up. And if she’s the right shliach… I got what I wanted!
  Allright, I’ll stop here, this comment is already getting longer than my original article ;-).

• To #29

  wow, you totally misinterpeted my comment. Firstly, I’ve actually never gone out before. Secondly, your basiclly agreeing with me. My point is, don’t be picky about the nity gritty’s, just make sure that they are normal and if it works it works and if it doesn’t it doesn’t, you need to meet a person to actually see. Its so hard to say just from hearing about somebody. I have so many freinds that when i first met them i would never in my wildist dreams think I would be freinds with them, and now, those very people are my best friends. I am actually pretty open minded and tznius, my knees are pretty much always covered, my skirts feel long in ch. Most people comment on how i dress so nicely, and I still have nobody to go out with, which is fine, ill wait for the right person, the question is, how will I find him? Anyhow, i dont know why im writing all of this, i hope it helps someone down the road.
  To #25, why are boys so focused on tznius and thin girls. Girls that may be a little heavier than skinny, may dress and look much better than a thin girl. Its all about appearance, it doesnt matter how big or small you are, if you wear the right stuff for your body, and the right maskeup and colors that flatter you, someone thats a bit over a size 4 can look so much better than a size two girl.
  thanks

• crown heights resident

  to #29
  I am single but have not gone out with 50 guys. At this point I can not even get one shidduch. I did go out with a few guys but some I said no and some said no to me. I have lowered my expectations very much. I would even go out with a BT even though my family is considered Gezha..
  We do need good shadchonim here, even though many more shiduchim are made now through friends/family. Someone has to have the courage to sort of nudge the boys/girls a little and convince them that they are not perfect either and they will not know anything anyway until they are married.

• wannabe shadchan

  as a happily married shliach with younger siblings in need of shiduchim, all i can say is you are right and i don’t know what to do for u.
  there r too many single boys and girls.
  I live out of town so I can’t do much, but too many shiduchim r cut down by parents or the person themself for silly reasons. usually those who ‘can do better’ and the ‘average’ not rich well connected or whatever end up waiting for too long. the only problem I have not come accross all those i have tried helping is gezhe, bh people realize to look at the person and at most his parents, not at 7 generations back. (I am saying this as a gezeh with lots of yichus)
  I wish I could help in some way but dont know how.
  if anyone has any suggestions please post.

• Sick of overly picky friends

  I feel for your plight, although I have comments to make in general (not directed towards you) about the shidduch crisis.

  I have friends that are older and unmarried and I have tried numerous times to set them up… Some wont even go out if the boy is too tall, too short, not my ‘style’, will go to movies, wont go to movies… etc. People are forgetting what really matters – – would they be a good spouse? A good parent? A good person??

  People need to stop limiting themselves, thinking that they know exactly what they want or need. Thinking that they know whats really important to make a marriage work. Thinking that there is a perfect person out there with their name on it. Guess what? There isnt. Perfect does not exist. Not with them, and not with you! Your marriage is as good as you decide to make it.

  I know soooo many people (including myself) who married spouses we never would have thought would have been for us. I know of a chassidish person who would never watch a movie marry someone that would go to movies and they have a great marriage. Who even came up with this whole movie thing?? Do you really think it makes that difference in your life if when you were dating one of the spouses watched movies and the other didnt?? People change, people mold to each other, and truuuuuuuust me, when you are married with kids, you dont end up having that much time and energy to sit down and watch a movie.

  Its not called ‘lowering your standards’, its called BEING REALISTIC. Dont lose focus on whats really important.

  Signed,
  Sick of overly picky friends.

• thirty and single.....

  shvigge you wrote: I know some great older men (mid-to late 30’s, even older.) If you can give me an anonymous email & some details perhaps I can help…. how can I get a hold of you? =)

• The issue runs much deaper

  The problem here is in the upbringing. Everything is black and white. Movies, short skirts, trimed beards, and chalav stam are all in the same catagory. There are very different reasons for not doing each of these but they are not black and white. Personally I’m shocked that short skirts and movies are listed as if they are the same. There is a simple trueth in our community, almost everyone whaches movies. If you are 32 and you have a problem with a prospective shiddoch because he may somtimes see a movie then maybe you are the problem not the solution. You can’t be so ridged. Yes, you have the right not to want these thing in your house, but that’s something you can work on later. Stop waiting for everything to be perfect before you will even give it a shot.
  One more thing, stop reffering to people you teach, as children, it’s kind of creapy.
  Best of luck and besurot tovot!

• Yechiel Michel

  I think this girl has issues.

  She has a problem with most boys. Heck, maybe she was upset the “guy” didnt pick-up-the-toilet-seat… Or he pishes on his tzitzis?

  She writes: “Maybe if I started wearing shorter skirts and watching movies I’d have more dates, but I have a ‘problem’ called backbone, which doesn’t let me.”

  Well… From your article sounds like you have bigger issues that you deal with on a daily basis. Could it be thats why you are still single?

  If youre gonna discuss the “shidduchcrisis” then stick with that crisis. Dont blame anything on movies and your “backbone”.

  To sum it up: You sound a bit like some other “self righteous” people that I know who cant find shiduchim for their children. Whenever a name comes up ppl say “What? Her daugther? That lady who thinks shes better then everyone else”?…

  Young 32 lady: You sound like you a bissaleh kookoo in you head… Thats why you are heading to a state of “Nothingness”…

  Look back at yourself. Change your ways. There may still be some hope for you.

• shvigger

  to # 38…set up an email address & ask CH.info to post it. Or you can leave me a note in Post Mark It, address it to Box 164. I’ll tell them someone may be dropping off a note. I WILL get back to you, I promise, & I hope I can help. Let’s try!

  Good Shabbos!

• living in nutsville

  Yechiel Michel:

  Please tell me you’re not married so I don’t go into Shabbos worrying about your poor wife.

• To #40

  I cant believe you actually wrote such a rediculous comment. It is completely uncalled for.

• Attn Crownheights.info

  If you are honestly screening the comments that roll in, how is it that # 40 got up there? It is completely inappropriate!

• los angeles

  #40 has got to go. sounds like an angry child/man. this was a serious essay. no room for a rant like his. i wish him luck with his anger issues.

• Me

  As a divorced mum, I totally commiserate!!!

  As for guys? What are those?

• This is #29

  This is # 29. I presume # 34 was # 16 who was GG. My comment was directed at people in a similar situation to the author, and not to you # 16.
  To # 35 – become a little more aggresive. Start pursuing a Shidduch, instead of passively sitting back and waiting to wake up one morning and suddenly see a long line outside your door. It ain’t gonna happen. You have to be persistant, although that is easier said than done, especially after setbacks and breakups – you need to take a little time for yourself and then jump right back into the game, bigger and better than ever. (Well, maybe not bigger).
  To # 37 – I can’t believe you are advocating that people marry someone in the hopes they will change. You can never assume they will change. When you get engaged, you have to be willing to live with them for the rest of your lives, AS THEY ARE. If they do change (for the better), then you’re the lucky one.
  Bottom line is, although details definitely do matter, you have to insist that you are getting the most important qualities, and be more flexible on the not so important ones. And don’t start looking for your Basherte – that’s the Aibishter’s job. Just look for a decent guy who is a mentch, who gets you thinking, “Hey, With a little work from BOTH of us, maybe we can just make this work”. Good luck.

• DONT LOWER UR STANDARDS!

  wow- as girl writes a cry from the heart and gets bashed for it? is it hard to understand that Hashem makes some ppl wait to meet their zivug- and they dont need to be blamed for not agreeing to marry someone their not comfortable with? and pleaaaase, do not insist that most lubavs watch movies just because you do- -“those that are frummer than you are fanatic… while those that are less frum are sinners..) please, dont judge the world according to your standards of whats normal.

• DONT LOWER UR STANDARDS!

  wow- as girl writes a cry from the heart and gets bashed for it? is it hard to understand that Hashem makes some ppl wait to meet their zivug- and they dont need to be blamed for not agreeing to marry someone their not comfortable with? and pleaaaase, do not insist that most lubavs watch movies just because you do- -“those that are frummer than you are fanatic… while those that are less frum are sinners..) please, dont judge the world according to your standards of whats normal.