Let’s face it: it is unusual and somewhat bizarre nowadays, to encounter a family with more than two children. It is almost as if a war is launched against the unborn after the ‘red limit’ of two or three children, has been reached. Instead of enriching our world with the unparallel innocence and joy of children, we have invaded it with various ways of contraception. It is no wonder that the birth ratio of our global population is rapidly deteriorating. In the United States, it stands at 2.11 children per family. Europe’s birth ratio is even lower: it currently stands at 1.38 children per family, and if not for the massive influx of immigrants from North Africa and the Middle East, it could have been much worse.
Op-Ed: Heeding to the Cry of the Unborn
Let’s face it: it is unusual and somewhat bizarre nowadays, to encounter a family with more than two children. It is almost as if a war is launched against the unborn after the ‘red limit’ of two or three children, has been reached. Instead of enriching our world with the unparallel innocence and joy of children, we have invaded it with various ways of contraception. It is no wonder that the birth ratio of our global population is rapidly deteriorating. In the United States, it stands at 2.11 children per family. Europe’s birth ratio is even lower: it currently stands at 1.38 children per family, and if not for the massive influx of immigrants from North Africa and the Middle East, it could have been much worse.
My wife and I were blatantly made aware of these shocking statistics, after being blessed with our sixth child a few weeks ago. “When are you going to stop?” many asked. “We really hope that this is your last one,” others suggested gently, with a resonance mixed with affection and bewilderment. But why has our society developed such a mindset obsessed with birth-control and family-planning? Are we afraid of overpopulating the world? Have we become too insecure in our capability of raising more than two children?
Self-Centeredness & Instant Gratification
Raising children involves an enormous sacrifice of emotions, time, attention and financial resources. Every parent knows that when a child is born, a new environment is inevitably created in the home. Immediately upon birth, the child swiftly captures the center stage of consciousness. The focus of life then suddenly shifts from “I” to “you”, from receiving to giving. It is no wonder that seldom can one find a set of parents who eat, drink, sleep and work, as they did before a child was introduced to their lives! Yet, in modern-day society, where the “I” is idolized and the “you” is subsequently abandoned, where can you find space for children and for the sacrifice that they require? Can the selfish man become selfless and allow room for unborn children? Can an instant-gratifying being become altruistic and also vote for the future?
The Ambiguity of Marriages
Perhaps, there exists an additional reason to the reluctance of our society to procreate: It is no secret that children intensify our love and commitment to our spouse. When a husband and wife have children they learn to surmount their differences and unite in love and devotion for the sake of their children which they equally share and care for. As more children are born, the commitment only deepens, as every child becomes another binding factor to our spouse.
Yet today, many prefer to shy away from this binding commitment due to an unprecedented crisis of divorces around the globe. Furthermore, this crisis oftentimes casts doubt and ambiguity on many a married couple, who continue to ponder if their spouse is ‘really the right one for them’. “Maybe I should have married someone richer, smarter or stronger,” they fantasize. But if the marriage unit is not established as a fait établi, it will never be able to soar to new heights of love and commitment. For how can you build a skyscraping edifice and an everlasting genealogy tree of blossoming branches and fruits without solid foundations of certainty?
The Purpose of Creation
“For this is what G-d says… -He who fashioned and made the earth… he did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited.” Indeed, the purpose of creation was to inhabit the world and elevate it. For the world is not complete without the habitation of man. And the world will only reach its ultimate purpose through the unique contributions of each and every human being.
This poignant idea was well articulated by the Babylonian Talmud : “The Son of David will only come [and the world will attain a state of completion and redemption], only when all the souls destined to [inhabit earthly] bodies will be exhausted.” So, if a person is blessed with the ability and power to procreate, how can he halt the future contributions of the unborn which will bring about redemption to the world? And would the world ever have evolved if the parents of our historic heroes had given up hope to bear them? And would you, the reader of this very essay, be here today if not for the unwavering faith and commitment of your parents to give birth and raise a personal hero of their own?
Fighting Immortality
Woody Allen, the famed screenwriter and comedian, once said: “I do not want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” Alas, in the end, everyone reaches his day of doom. Of course, no one has ever achieved immortality through not dying. For there is only one winning way to achieve the blessing of an immortal life: have children. Most achievements, edifices of human strength, names on buildings or floors, come and go. Ultimately, they too vanish into the pages of our history. But only children have the unique power to carry our lives onward, forever. Only children can allow us to become truly immortal. And as trunks of ever-blossoming trees, parents continue to live through their offspring to eternity.
As our contemporary society faces an astonishing decline of births, we ought to restore our allegiance to the future. It is not enough to have been created; we too must create. It is not enough to live for the present; we must live for the future too. This will ensure the immortality of our beings, of our heritage and of our culture and actualize the purpose of our creation. As my dear mentor, world-renowned scholar, Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz, often says: “Having children is the loudest statement of hope for the future!”
Nothing in the world engenders more happiness than children of your own . Nothing melts the heart more than the innocent smile of your very children. And nothing will ensure your everlasting continuity more than your inner faith and courage to give birth to them.
Mekurav
Hope this article is here not because of what is happening in Chabad, but only to teach Chabad how to work with “mekurovim”
a local in Scottsdale AZ
great article rabbi PINCHAS ALLOUCHE!!!!!!
Thank you
Thank you Rabbi Allouche once again for your inspiration! This article is a great answer to all the critics.
Name withheld.
Oh wow! What an article buuuuut, firstly Hashem created birth control for a reason. Not everyone can handle having many kids one after another. There is so much to say on this topic but one more thing… I am sure you will get a lot of feedback from those kids born into a family of more than 7,8, 9, 10, 11, 12,13,14 or even 15! Let’s see what THEY have to say!
bee
could not have been said better
EQ
I totally agree with Name Witheld. Of course there are some wonderful big families whose parents have so much love and guidence to offer, but sadly there are more of the ones who cannot cope and do not have the financial resources to raise a large family. I have heard the feedback from them and it is heartbreaking. Those ones are even more likely to have one or two children.
big family
they from a big family!! b’h i come from a family of 13 b’h, and we are so blessed, and we are friends!! i hope hashem bentches me with koach and abundance with beautiful children!! i hope to go in my parents footsteps!!
hmmm...
Nice article…altough i find that a lot of secular jews and non jews….and celebrities are having a lot of kids….maybe Chabad isnt.
TO namewithheld
i`ve met a few kids number 8, 0, 10, …15+ in their families, and they love theirs siblings and parents. and i know also single kids that their parents did not give them the love and att that they needed. so i think its not a matter of just number of kids in the fam, its how the parents are. and im sure that u can find iotze min haklal in everything.
One of THOSE kids...
To name withheld:
What I have to say is Baruch Hashem!! I’ve been blessed with many brothers and sisters and I wouldn’t trade it for the world!!!
I dont think there is a single person who wishes TRULY that they had less brothers and sisters however I know many that wish they had MORE!!!
Thank you to my parents!
I’m from a family of 13 and consider myself beyond blessed. We are a close family and I am happy to be a part of my wonderful family!I know it wasn’t easy for my parents but was well worth it!
so true
while it’s certainly a great challenge, you can’t deny the incredible joys of being part of a family with many children. to have siblings close to your age, to have family to share yourself with, to be surrounded by life and future… i wouldnt give it up for anything!
well said
thank you for articulating so wonderfully why our rebbe was so pro-birth and againdt family planning. Of course, not everyone has the ability to procreate, but this point comes across clearly too when Rabbi Allouche wrote: if the person is blessed with the ability and power to procreate’…
happy and grateful mother/ grandmother
my husband and i thank Hashem for the brochos that we continue to receive because of our greatest gift, our kinder and einiglach, our large family, our sheivet.
good things come with effort,
greater things come with greater effort.
the return is completely beyond measure higher than all the work invested
as we grow in years,the gratitude to the Rebbe for his teachings and guidance to receive the magnitude of the blessing of children according to the chesbon of hakodosh boruch hu is ever deeper.
thank you Hashem, thank you Rebbe!
STOP preaching!
We all know that each person is created differently, there are no two people alike, and so too each person copes differently under similar circumstances. While one breezes through pregnancy without so much as an ounce of pain, another is bedridden for months. While one recovers quickly after birth, another has postpartum depression. Making a decision to use birth control is NOT done lightly and Hashem did created it and we have Rabbanim for a reason. You can’t go and make someone feel guilty for not being able to cope – they can cope if the community we live in would let them do so guilt free and as they see fit! People have forgotten the rule: “Al Tadin Es Chavercha ad shetagiya bimkoma”! STOP judging!
Name withheld responds
I see the comments written after mine so I decided to respond again. Yes, some parents are able to cope and manage a home with many kids, and multiply the love among the kids, and of course it all depends on the parents and not always on the number of kid. However, I think the chances of the love being divided and the chaos present in the day to day lives is higher in larger families. I am very close to most of my siblings and wouldn’t trade them for the world. I would have also liked a less chaotic home growing up.
Anon
I think 3-4 kids is enough to “procreate” – if you love kids sure have more. But the pressure put on frum families to have huge families is a shanda. The financial pressure is unreal. In this day and age with the chinuch prices etc. a family of even 5 is to be applauded.
wonder
I find it interesting that the author of this op-ed is male… Do you really know what it entails to be a mother? And, I mean REALLY, REALLY know?
SO WHAT?!
so what? – everyone keeps on writtng well…. it was created by hashem! hullo a yetzer hara was also created by hashem does that mean we have to listen to it?! gimme a break!
besides before u decide you dont want to have to many children because u know you are not up to it and wont know how to cope ask a rabbi! but who are you to decide by yourself?
Newly married with questions
No one wants to be selfish but at the same time when you are pulled in a million different directions with lots of needs, how do you have time for yourself and keep yourself sane?
How do you make sure each child gets the love and attention they need? How do you make sure your children love life, not by being spoiled but with a large family how do you afford nice new things once in a while or take a relaxing family vacation?
How do you function with little sleep as every year or other year a new baby is born? How?
I am not mocking at all. I am asking because I have my doubts sometimes and although on the one hand I would love to have a large family at the same time how??
Another of THOSE kids
I find it thrilling to be from a family of 14 and hope to iyh have a big family as well. the love and attention of parents is NOT dependant on how many kids they have- i see tons of big families coping happily more than the smaller ones- who are too intent on spoiling theirchildren with gashmiyus- but not necessarily giving them more attention- its an excuse. and its sickening how some even look down at big families- just cuz you can’t or dont want to do it, dont cover up by putting down others. its a beautiful bracha and apreciated by most.
Ima
I do like this article, but as a mother, I must say that some parents are not the type to have huge families. Some are not able to have 4-8 kids and be able to function. I say “to each his own” it is really between you and Hashem. Children are a huge sacrafice, but there comes enormous amounts of joy and love, but not everyone can split into 50 parts and run a house and raise a family and work. Yes todays days have changes. Smaller families, smaller income, but bigger problems. Hashem … Ad Mosai!
A fellow mother
To the above commentators:
Many of you are writing that for some it would be an unhealthy situation to have a large family. Yes, there are definitely exceptions to the rule. No one is saying that it is a mitzvah that is a ‘yaharog v’al ya’avor’–a mitzvah to die for, Chas Veshalom. But the exceptions don’t change the general rule.
We don’t have to reinvent the wheel. It is not a “shanda” ch’v to encourage people to have large families—please, read the rebbe’s sichos on the subject! It is incredible how the Rebbe answers every one of the questions posed by you, fellow readers. The general rule of thumb is that if it’s for health reasons (physical OR emotional), it’s okay to limit the size of one’s family (AFTER consulting a Rav, of course–one can’t do this without a heter). But for having nicer stuff or for having more time to vacation or worries about parnasa–the rebbe says that that’s not a reason. We have a great Hashem to rely on, and He surely can handle another few precious ones to care for! (Sometimes, a very small family can be even more busy with numerous problems than a large family. Trust in Hashem!)
As someone coming from a very large family, I can only say that I WISH to be able to have the same. Yes, it is definitely not easy–but since when are worthwile things easy? So much of the problem is the attitude: is it worth giving up so much, b’ruchinius and b’gashmius, “just” to have more kids? The rebbe says, YES–this is the greatest accomplishment one can do (if possible), more than any mivtzoim in the world! As Nechama Greisman, a’h, writes: It’s the Rebbe’s hardest mivtzah—but oh so worth it! Would we sacrifice sleep and some luxuries to earn a billion dollars? Would we give up some conveniences to achieve something strongly desired? Yes! We would! Such should be the attitude towards our precious kinderlach.
Of course, no one is judging those who CANNOT. That is not the point at all. At the same time, let us bear in mind what the general goal is. And let us show the UTMOST RESPECT AND ADMIRATION for those who are moser nefesh to fulfill this directive and give up on their own personal self-gratification for this purpose. No more looking down, not in any way! I salate you all!
The Rebbe loves us and only wants what’s best for us. Every child brings more bracha into the home; even if it’s hard to see at first.
Thank you ch.info for posting this chizuk piece, which is so sorely needed. For all those interested, Mrs. Sara Morosow (of Crown Heights) is an amazing resource to refer you to more sichos and sources. (She set up a website for this, but I forget the name. Maybe google rebbe’s sichos on this topic?) Also, Maryashi Deren of Greenwich, Connecticut, once presented an amazing compilation of a correspondence between the Rebbe and a South African Rav, who wrote the Rebbe many questions on this topic—after the Rebbe spoke about large families in the Sichos, many women had many many strong questions about the feasibility…all of which are answered. Check out her address on chabad.org and ask her to email you those letters; you’ll have much to gain.
Moshiach now!
to the Newlywed
One more point: this issue shows how important it is to have a mashpia–and a Rav. Please, dear young newlywed who commented, don’t rely on the anonymous commentators on this forum to resolve your important questions! Turn to someone you trust, who is knowledgable and wise in the Rebbe’s horoas.
But just a quick thought from a fellow young mom: much of life seems much more overwhelming before you get into it. I felt the same way as you before I had children! I just read a beautiful mashal:
If someone tries to lift a few gallons of water, it would be extremely heavy. But if someone were to swim in a pool, in that same amount of water, it would feel light and lift you up.
That’s how it is in life–until you immerse yourself in the mitzvah, it can appear so heavy and difficult; but once you’re swimming in it, so much is lifted.
The 3 Keys
Let’s not forget that there are three keys that are not given over to man–and one of them is children. Who is to say that limiting children until you’re “ready” will work out the way you expect?…………. As is sadly so common in today’s world….
to newly married with questions
The Rebbe didn’t just say have kids and have to manage it all on your own. The Rebbe strongly encouraged household help as a top priority, to make a women able to cope with the sheer amount of work. What you write about going on vacation, that is a question of priority, what kind of vacation, where do you want to put your money first.
Those that write about the cost of tuition, that the system is abusive does not make it right. Not neccessarily did the Rebbe mean for schools to charge so much so that it chokes the parents. That we mess up, we can’t blame the Rebbe for.
Rather Not say my name
It is very sad to see many Muslim families that have many, many children and see some frum families with very little children (on purpose, not the ones that are not blessed).
I have k’ah 7 kids, and would have loved to have more. I also felt each child was not only a brocha, but a slap in the face of Hitler, yamoch shmoi.
May Hashem bless every family to be able to have the strength and koches to have many many children and may we all merit to see Moshiach speedily!
dont judge!
and what about those couples suffering through infertility? Who is to know what someone is really going through? Either primary or secondary! Dont judge!
to the 3 keys
You are so right !
u know it...
Tuition.