Op-Ed: On Giving Fancy Shalach Manot
Purim is less than two weeks away. Purim is a holiday filled with fun and sweets. Everyone is already thinking of original ideas what to give as ‘Mishloach Manos’. How about this year we try to make it more fun for all the people that are less fortunate in our community. As you may know or as many are not aware of yet that in our very own community there are many families that are struggling financially. Some large families live in a basement, kids wear old clothing. Some have barely basic furniture; some big families share one bedroom.
I want to bring out two points:
1) The fancier people give, the more pressure it gives to the family who can’t afford too much (including me). It’s embarrassing to give very small if others give these big fancy things. Pressure really affects people and many give more than they can afford because they do not want people to see that they give so cheap.
2) For sure it’s nice to give something nice if you can afford it but the mitzvah itself calls for two different items. Why not give a smaller basket and give some extra Tzedaka to a family in our own community that is in need. This mitzvah can be much bigger than giving a person a huge basket. Like this you have two Mitzvos and ‘Mishloach Manos’ and extra Tzedaka.
As it is written in Halacha (Shevach Hamoadim, page 152 ois 4): Its better to give more Matonos L’evyonim than to do more in the Seudah and Mishloach Manos, cause nothing is greater joy for Hashem than to be ‘Mesameach’ the poor.
And don’t forget that most people or don’t eat most of the junk or just give it away to someone else.
You can add a small note in your Mishloach Manos that on honor of them you gave extra 18 or 36 to Tzedaka to a family in crown heights in need there are also many Crown Heights organizations that can use Tzedaka. Please lets help are fellow Jews lets give simple Mishloach Manos and also Tzedaka.
Think if you give about 30 Mishloach Manos each Purim by giving lets say 30 times 5 dollar to Tzedaka that is an extra 30mitzvos.
The more people give expensive and big the more the standard goes up if we just keep it simple the standard will stay simple and give less peer pressure to the less rich people.
Don’t look if your neighbor gives big, this year just give small and add a note this card to Tzedaka.
I do want to say thank you to all the people in our community that do help people out on a regular basis.
Now I am not interested in tons of comments like do you really think you will change people or like I just like to splurge on Purim etc. I just want to bring over these points and hope people will think about it and hopefully give much Tzedaka this year.
thank you
thank you for writing this. many of us can’t even afford mm this year
Dear Op-Ed
It is time that people like you start keeping the attitude that I have: “Who cares what others do!” I do what I can and feel no pressure (anymore) to ‘keep up’ with others. Since I started repeating that mantra to myself, I have felt less stressed – and this does not stop at Shalach Manos, it goes for birthday parties and baby presents too. If someone can give more and they get pleasure in it, so be it, but our ‘small’ gifts are also appreciated and we should have more confidence in ourselves!
too true
excellent points and I totally agree with you.
Happy purim
rosey
I plan to send a check today,today because I know that some don’t have money for the seuda.
Thank you so much for helping us focus on what our priorities SHOULD be.
A FREILICHEN PURIM
me
reply to dear op ed;
you are right, we should not care what others think, but that its just sometimes hard to do. if i give something small of 2 cheap items to my kids teacher, i will feel a little embaresed
trying not to drown in debt
The Yeshivas (eg OT) have Purim baskets as a fundraiser for $95. That’s obscene. Then they threaten or throw out kids whose parents can’t afford the high tuition. Use the income from these baskets to pay MY kids tuition. I can’t. I haven’t had a raise in years and I’m lucky I still have a job but my expenses go up and up and up. I am very worried about Pesach.
My family’s Mishlaoch Manos is very simple to just a few people. You don’t like it? No theme? Too bad.
Hadassa R
2 brachos to 2 people plus TZEDAKA! & you have fulfilled your obligation. The help for the poor is greater than the fancy-shmancy baskets – & probably more appreciated! (after all, it all goes in the garbage in a couple of weeks anyway, right?)
two points.
Two points:
Firstly, to the author of the op-ed: to echo the second comment of “Dear op-ed”, you will find much peace of mind and relieve a lot of stress from your life, if you did what you think is right, and what you are comfortable with, without thinking about what others will say.
Secondly, to everyone else: let’s admit that mishloach manos has become somewhat of a craze and over the years it lost a lot of the ‘eidele’ feel of the shtetl, and ‘der alter heim’.
Kudos to those who send a nice home-made cake and a bunch of Hamantashen with a fruit etc. It is so much more personal, tasty, (cheaper) and ‘eidel’ than the overstuffed-with-junk-and-empty-chocolate-boxes-and-wafer-rolls packages that have become so common.
Take the time you (hopefully) would have spent with your children shopping for chips and candy, and spend it at the mixer in the kitchen. A great opportunity to bond, teach baking tips, and makes for great conversation. Enjoy the simple pleasures of licking the batter off the bowl and eating a just-baked hamantash…
And have a happy purim!
Important letter
That is why I feel I have to leave Crown Heights for Purim. What a shame. By the way, I am not the only one. Thanks for the letter.
Ad d-lo yadai
If you have enough to drink on Purim you won’t know the difference anyway.
the good old days
Purim in Crown Heights 35 years ago was a special and
happy, fun time….and simple. A typical Shalach Monos
consisted of a Paper plate, or Basket with a small grape juice bottle, an apple and mezonos and tied with a
twist tie. Lets bring back the simple times!
gmc
if ppl feel the need to spend what they dont have on fancy shalach manos then that is their problem……its common knowledge that ppl with more money spend more and have nicer “things”. its like that with homes, cars , clothing, weddings etc…should be no different with shalach manos….get over it!!! i did!!! u will never be happy if u constantly look at what other ppl have!!eizehu ashir ? hasameach bechelko!!! u dont tell ppl how to live..dont tell tehm what shalach manos to give. each person responsible for their family finances decides what they have to spend on everyting else so y is shalach manos different????? dont be embarassed! be proud to the mitzvah itslef….doesnt say anywhere u have to give exactly what ur neighbor gives!!! i live in a wealthy area…but never feel ashamed of what i dont have!!!! i am proud and happy to be blessed with a healthy loving family!!! u should be too!!!
happy
i could afford B-H and i think it crazy. do the mitzvah and you can do the baskets that O-torah dos.
thrifty
there should be some kind of contest for who can make the cutest shalach manot for less than $5 each!
2 to 1 is fine with G-d
I agree with this op-ed.
Thanks for writing….
I’m giving 2 things to one friend and calling it a day!
Tzedakah – I can do that :)
It’s less creative and more effective.
MM
mishloach manot can look nice & not cost much.
I made beutiful MM for teachers – not more than $5 a piece.
Go to amazing savings – & let you imagination g wild:)
Get you nosh in boro park – were you can buy nosh for pennies
happy purim
very true. I couldn’t agree more about all the wasted junk and money…People do like to express their creativity though–and as you see in the illustration photo it is possible to make something beautiful/impressive that is also healthy and not too expensive.
yu yu
Not sure how to sent this as email…so here it is…
Response to all the anti fancy shalach manos writers—
It started from way back, when I was young. My family wasn’t rich (let alone comfortable) when I was growing up. People around me had almost everything fancier than me. notebooks,
pens, backpacks, shoes, clothes and hair
accessories.
They drove home in a fancier car, many times, their parents worked less hours than mine, and the home they went to was way bigger,
nicer and more equipped with the latest gadgets.
People may have felt bad for us at times, but we were perfectly happy. (Now I sometimes remind myself that someone who looks like their life is not so
easy, may actually be just fine with it all, since they don’t know of anything better, and at the end of the day, that’s really what counts.)
I think that from a young age it is important for kids to understand that you don’t always have what others have, and learn to adjust to be satisfied.
In any case, when it was time for me to get married, I got less as well. I paid for my own shaitel, my own clothes and…had a wedding that was less
than all my friends had. Devorah Benjamin was involved (I must say, she does great work)
The flowers were plastic, the dishes- nothing more than what we had at home as our fancy set.
I came to my new apartment that night, and there weren’t too many things there. My friends had kitchen aids, two sets of linen, enough towels
and dishes, besides for the abundance of new clothes which they have gotten to last for the next year.
I had the bare necessities (our wedding gifts were not much as well- since our family friends consisted of average income people/ struggling
people like my parents. I remember I had two tichels and one shaitel…I managed. It wasn’t always easy explaining
to people why I couldn’t send my shaitel to be washed often enough etc….but I didn’t find it embarassing…it’s just that some peaple really couldn’t relate.
I got married, B“H, we were a hard working couple, we were doing well. I enjoyed spending on shalach manos, it added to the festivity of this yom tov.
I didn’t spend so much, but I was able to make it look decent, with a cute theme.
Fast forward a few years later, money is a bit more tight, I’d love to buy a new house and I am trying to save the most I can.
My point- A.If people have the money, they will obviously do it nicer than someone else’s. They can afford it, why not?
B. You don’t know what type of connection they have to a place, that they might be able to get something really nice for a very cheap price– so they’re
happy, and their friends and acquaintances that are getting it are happy as well, I’m sure. It’s worthwhile!
It’s your attitude, as with everything else.
You can’t look at what others have, you can only look at yourself, what you have, and choose to be happy with it, or constantly drive yourself nuts
by looking at what others have and trying to reach their level of material living.
Another point- it’s all a matter of priorities…I can spend a few more dollars on shalach manos, but my priority is say- buying a house,
paying tuition or getting a babysitter for a few extra hours so I can spend extra time with my husband…
Sometimes it may be easier to think of it this way— you can make it nicer, but you’re prioritizing things differently…
so by not spending much on things like shalach manos,
you’re actually going to have something else that’s better.
I thank G-d every day for all the brochos he has given me-
I work hard, sometimes I’m just so tired of it all- but B”H my kids can have what they need,
B“H I’m healthy and I can go out to work…
B”H for the support I have etc.
(Even if these are not areas you have been blessed in, everyone has blessings to count)
More money would definitely make life easier…and I do complain sometimes- I’m human too, but at the end of the day,
There are other things which I have been blessed with and I make sure to focus on that.
May we all have a freilichen purim, doing as we see fit and being happy with our lot.
Zei gezunt
YB
enjoying Purim
Purim is a great opportunity for creativity. We don’t have so many outlets like this in our lifestyle. Make or put together funny costumes. Make people happy. MM can be fun or simple without spending too much $.(It would be so much better if people sent food instead of junk).
Purim in CH can be overwhelming. Bringing Purim to a nursing home
or going to a not frum neighborhood and giving out MM to peopole on the street is a nice way to spend Purim.
ag
Maybe as adults we can understand the you give 2 items to 2 ppl and tzdaka, and finished. than you add all the teachers +10 mm at least (please keep in mind teachers prepare their mm for every student without being reimbursed….it is also an expense for them)
now, my problem is telling kids that they have to choose a set number of friends that will receive their mm. when the kids were younger it was easier, now that they are older it is not so simple….
maybe school should institute some process on pairing up classmates that everyone can give out 2 mm..
A thought about home-baking SM items
B“H
All excellent points in the OP-ED, and by all of the blog posters.
One little point to add:
I love to bake, but it’s probably better NOT to send home-baked to anyone who doesn’t know you well enough to know your home’s level of kashrus.
Many people, such as the families of your kids’ less-close classmates, will not keep (and may even throw away if perishable) homebaked items in Shaloch manos.
This is because they have no easy way of knowing if the baked goods are pareve mamosh (including baked in pareve oven, and pareve by WHOSE definition, etc.); if they include allergenic ingredients (nuts, eggs, soy, etc.); or even if they are baked by the same family that included the baked item in the basket (people sometimes ”recycle” at the last minute when they find they didn’t make enough Shaloch Manos on Purim day).
I think I remember hearing, a few years back, that the Beis Din asked families wanting to send Hamantashen, challah rolls and other baked goods to please send only CLEARLY MARKED commercially prepared ones (from sources that no one would question, such as Albany Bake Shop).
Maybe save the homebaked stuff for the people who know you well, and would thus definitely be likely to eat the items you lovingly baked and packed for them.
Certainly less likely to be a baal tashchis.
A freilichen Purim to all!
Correction
The mitzvah of Shalach Monos is 2 types of foods to 1 person.
Matanos laevyonim is Tzedaka to 2 people.
shana
I totally agree with “the good old day”
why can’t everyone just do pack their mm simple so there won’t be any competition?!?!?!!
When I was growing up we use to also make our mm on a paper plate, stick it in a plastic storage bag and then tie it with a twistie.