We all dream of “falling in love” and being totally swept away in a wave of passion and excitement. We are certain that when we meet our destined one we will know without doubt in our hearts that this is "the one” We have this vision in our minds of how it's supposed to be, and when reality fails to live up to our expectations we are certain something must be wrong in the relationship.
Op-Ed: That Loving Feeling
We all dream of “falling in love” and being totally swept away in a wave of passion and excitement. We are certain that when we meet our destined one we will know without doubt in our hearts that this is “the one” We have this vision in our minds of how it’s supposed to be, and when reality fails to live up to our expectations we are certain something must be wrong in the relationship.
We struggle to understand why our surrounding world hasn’t suddenly burst into shades of extravagant color, why our hearts are still beating calmly and not pounding wildly with excitement. Why is it that the ground is just as solid beneath our feet as it was the day before? Where is that dizzy floaty sensation of pure and complete happiness? Where is that profound feeling of sheer bliss and unbelievable joy? Surely something must be amiss.
Many suitable and potential relationships fail to succeed and continue to marriage due to unrealistic expectations that either both or one of the dating partners possess. In our times today when we are so easily influenced by the secular world and their perception of love and romance, that it has captured our imagination and our ability to view beyond it. Subconsciously it has weaved its way into our lives, corrupting our minds into believing that if we don’t feel that magical feeling, then there is something seriously lacking. We fail to see what’s important by getting so wrapped up in trying to capture that feeling, we put all else aside, that we don’t focus on the greater picture.
There are some people who experience strong excitement at the early stages of dating and then panic when that fades without any seemingly explanation. It’s important to be cognizant that love functions in stages. This initial excitement is simply the first level of love and attraction, and once this fades to the next level, does not mean that the relationship course isn’t proceeding the way it should be, but rather a sign that the relationship has moved on to the next level which generally leads to feelings of contentment and ease just by being with the other person. Naturally there has be an attraction, a genuine liking towards the person until in time this leads to form a connection, a bridge of understanding between two people.
Dating is to prepare us for marriage. It’s laying out the foundations of what’s going to lie ahead and seeing if we have the right ingredients to make the relationship blossom into love. Love isn’t something that is born. It’s created through a feeling of contentment and satisfaction that comes from being with another person and over time leads to something stronger and deeper.
When people decide to stop dating a person due to lack of excitement, they excuse themselves by saying that the person is everything they could have possibly wished for, but they feel a absence of feeling that is holding them back from getting engaged, most times not even giving it a chance to grow into something more concrete. We live in a world where everything is instant, where immediate gratification of our wants and desires is not only a possibility but has become the normality. Everything is available at a touch of a button. From instant contact via cell phones to direct internet access, the consistency of time almost ceases to exist. Our minds have become so accustomed to immediate results that when a person doesn’t feel that instant connection, that instant romance, he/she walks away without giving the relationship the right attention it needs in order to develop further.
Certainly one has to feel a connection with the person he/she is dating. When speaking about a “absence of feeling” obviously this does not mean to say couples should get engaged based on zero feelings. On the contrary one has to feel an emotional connection to some degree in order to visualize a lifetime together. However in some cases, two people meet, and there is a deep emotional connection, both feel they have what it takes to build a healthy and successful marriage based on mutual respect and concern for each other etc. Both recognize the special qualities in one another and feel relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company. They share common goals and values and both feel they’re heading in the same direction but this still leaves room for doubt in one of the partners mind as to whether this is really right because he/she is waiting for that magical feeling to take over them. When this happens its essential that the individual himself turns to guidance from an experienced person or mashpia who will hopefully help him/her see things differently , and clarify his/her perspective before G-d forbid ending what could have been a very successful marriage.
We often hear people talking about the Shidduch crisis that has taken the world by storm. We struggle to come up with miraculous answers that we hope will put an end to this major catastrophe, but possibly the answer lies closer to home then we care to admit. It lies within each and every one of us in this position to honestly ask ourselves if we are being realistic when it comes to understanding ourselves and our expectations.
On this note may we merit to see many more Simchas, and we should all find our true soul mates now!
This Op-Ed reflects the views of its author. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CrownHeights.info nor of its Editors.
A reader that wishes to make his or her voice heard on any topic of their desire is welcome to submit his or her Op-Ed to News@CrownHeights.info.
wont Compromise
Beautifully written,yet I want to meet someone that doesnt only look good on paper but makes me feel in love!
Joseph
how absolutely true!
How many times has a shidduch just ended for that very reason. . the boy/girl, (though, far more often, its the boy, (sorry, but its fact) just backs out, even when things are progressing `SO well, simply because he does’nt feel that ‘excitement’. does’nt hear the bells ring, does’nt feel that ‘magic in the air’ . . .
Lets try and give it more time, more understanding that these dating procedures need patience, and acceptance. NONE of us are perfect ourselves, so why look for Mr/Mrs. Perfect??? ““`time and time again, a potential shidduch just grinds to a halt for no apparent reason, other than ‘That elusive feeling’ , that just isnt happening . . .
casual observer
Some people are very young and immature when they start dating and are not really ready for marriage; in fact they are afraid of marriage.
Some people remain afraid and do not outgrow their fear because they need therapy. This is especially true if some loss of a close family member makes them afraid of an emotional connection. Some have had bad experiences that cause fear of intimacy and therefore need therapy to overcome that fear.
Some men saw their fathers fail financially and are afraid of the same thing happening to them. These men put off marriage but are pressured to date anyway. They date and nothing happens.
Sometimes fear masks itself as arrogance such as in the case where a man will only date extremely attractive women or a girl still insists on a top bocher, even though she is considerably “older”.
If a boy or girl has friends who divorced, they might be afraid to go into marriage themselves.
Right on target...!
Very well written… Right on target. It is 100% true that today’s frum/Lubavitch communities have been outright effected by the secular world.
It is without a shadow of a doubt that movies and internet have shattered the pure motives that are supposed to be attained as clearly spelled out by the author.
One that wishes to down-play movies and say they are not effected by watching them and that it is no big deal watching movies, he/she knows deep down how wrong they are.
It’s a little like the explanation given about people who deny there is a G-d ; if they were to admit there was a G-d in the world they would have no choice but to be commit themselves to the cause/yiddishkeit. By denying there is an existence they automaticly free themselves from their guilty conscience.
Enough said…
Well written and great point!!!
Wow! How true!!!
A1
very well written, very well said. thanks you!!
!!!!!
perfectly written!!!!
each word is so true…singles take this to heart and you will be so happy and thankful!!!
c123
And how many times do people get engaged and married, waiting for that love to grow, but instead end up in a miserable marriage? (Not to mention the kids who are forced to grow up in such a home.)
agree
To“ won’t compromise ” Marriage is exactly about this. Compromise is what i takes to build a successful marriage and the reader did in fact emphasize that one has to have a strong and emotional connection in order to get engaged to a potential spouse ,and not only looks good “ on paper”
To all the the “won’t compromise” guys out there, do yourselves the biggest favor. Snap out of your fantasies and get real! Start compromising and wake up!
rivkah
Just want to add furher to this very well presented article. .
Maybe its also time to stop making decisions based on what we HEAR from others about a potential date; so many times, a bochur/girl wont even MEET because they hear’ something’ that totally stops the whole shidduch in its tracks , BEFORE its even started . . . ,so much harm could be avoided if people just watched what they said about a boy/girl when asked, especially when they base their opinion on their OWN emotional feelings about that boy/girl . . .( I know this is nothing to do with the point of this article, but I just wanted to add it in here. . .)
A good piece of writing. . hopefully those concerned will take note!!
ref to c123
c123, and how many times do you hear of couples who were “head over heels” when they got engaged, who who were so “in love, only to get divorced shortly after…
Joseph
in reply to c123, how many couples ARE ‘in love’ when they get married, and unfortunately end up in a miserable marriage too?????? There are no hard and fast rules as far as this is concerned. . sad but true
Me
To Casual observer………..your observation hit the nail on the head. I’m excited that someone finally brought up a real issue that is in the way of people committing to each other. FEAR. I’m not sure that therapy is the only way to go, as the author of this article pointed out a trusted and competent mashpiah should be able to help. But as jews and chasidim we know that nothing stands in the way of ones – True – will. We might say we want to get married and do the things that one should do in order to get married. – go on dates etc. – but as you pointed out in most cases there is some type of fear that is in the way, and affecting the persons true ratzon. Thus showing up in the form of lack sparks etc.
Zal
What a thought provoking article!
Singles pay attention, how many of you have stopped dating someone because you didn’t feel the magic, or because you’re looking mr/mrs perfect!
May be this be a wake up call for everyone.
A Concerned Resident
Very well written and absolutely 1000% true!!!
The same unfortunate realty exists regarding Tzenius as well.
The proliferation of secular, unholy & downright promiscuous behavior – a direct influence of goyisha magazines (forget movies and videos) that “grace” the homes of some of the most “teiereh yungeliet” in the community – must be shown the errors of thier ways.
Since when has it become “OK” to wear skirts that are crazy short and have slits?! Since when has it become “OK” to not wear any foot/leg covering when in public and/or in the presence of men?! Since when has it become “OK” to not make sure that every part of the head is covered?!
These are just some of core-value yiras shomayim issues that are affecting the community – fix the core issues, and then people will have an overall better perspective of yiddishkeit, life, torah and shidduchim as well.
The simple solution -- and it works!!
I think you should never get engaged until you are 100% sure someone is right for you!
I heard that the Rebbe’s advice was that when in doubt there are 2 approaches:
a) take a short break – and see how you feel (of course you need to have dated a nice amount of times for this to work).
B) and this one i think works best – when in doubt you keep on dating. there’s no such thing as staying at the same level forever, you either get closer or more distant. (don’t date forever though – you have to be realistic and always think things through)
Many times, people like someone, even a lot but when they continue dating, they realize how it’s not for them quite clearly.
it’s very wrong to assume a feeling will come later. there should be no doubt. No feeling that you settled. you must be completely happy, and truly believe that there is no one better in the word better then your date..
Ultimately, we re human and don’t know the future. G-d has a plan, Think good and it will be good. (even the guyim say this – for example thats the whle premise of the book “think and grow rich”)
liked it
extremely well written. GUYS OUT THERE – TAKE THIS ARTICLE VERY SERIOUSLY…..I THINK ITS THE GUYS WHO NEED TO HEAR THIS EVEN MORE THAN THE GIRLS.
sheena
and how about those who feel they are IN LOVE and then fall out of love? the effect on those children? one needs to take a chance at life.
Mrs. H.
I read the first paragraph and wondered: Huh? Is this article for the chassidishe oilam or is it some secular article that is being quoted here for some reason.
Oh, it’s actually aimed at Anash. Gulp. Sounds like the author either assumes his readership is heavily into secular movies, magazines and books or he himself is.
This article is embarrassing to read on a website for Lubavitchers of Crown Heights. Would a Bobover write an article like this for Bobover Chassidim? Belz? Ger? Would an article like this be written for the Lakewood oilam?
How come Lubavitch has become synonymous with Modern Orthodox to many people who can’t tell them apart in dress, outlook, or behavior sometimes?
anonymous
and what about the scenario when you have common goals and you could see the other person caring about you and building a life together but not only is there not a “magical spark” but you just aren’t physically attracted to the person? what are you supposed to do??
so true!
wow well said!
123
As a single with many single friends, I find it very hard to relate to this article. I don’t believe the lack of romance is to blame. First try to get a date!
I know very many girls that are “older” and not only have not dated in months, years, but some have never dated at all. The singles are not the ones to blame for being starry eyed. There are others involved seeing that singles don’t meet.
Parents look out for the best for their children, perhaps they are too picky… Then there are the yenta’s of the community. Not all of them just want the scoop. Many of them are more than willing to dig, look out for bad in people, and even make things up.
This is just food for thought, but perhaps that is what is marring shiduchim.
Stop it, PLEASE!
Boy do I hate these articles, and the people constantly assuring us singles that all we need is a “emotional connection to some degree” – any degree; and that it is much more important to just get married quickly and have lots of little ‘Hasid-lings’.
Yes: The secular perception perception of love and romance HAS captured our imagination. And it should. Because if billions of dollars of Hollywood films, Nashville music, books and literature are based on the premise that the Secular ‘perception’ is reality, doesn’t there have to be something to it?
And why should we miss out on it, just because you did?
Dovid, CH
it soo soo true. also, less importance must be placed on thsyical appearence. personality and chasidishkit is so much more important.
toola
thank you for writing.
so true.
i am married a little over a year.
I can’t tell you how true this is.
i am only thankful that i have had the support of certain people who guided me and made me feel like i don’t have to be in love while engaged.
although i was extremely content and happy, there were no fireworks.
it all depends on your personality.
i’ve spoken to my friends, the ones that are more “thinkers” more sophisticated if i may say, are just like me. happy and content but no extreme emotions while dating.
as for marriage, thank G-d!!!!!!!!!
i wish i can help others who are in this situation.
Re; Anonymous
You write:
“and what about the scenario when you have common goals and you could see the other person caring about you and building a life together but not only is there not a “magical spark” but you just aren’t physically attracted to the person? what are you supposed to do??”
It would be worthwhile to take an extra minute and read the article in its full content:
“Certainly one has to feel a connection with the person he/she is dating. When speaking about a “absence of feeling” obviously this does not mean to say couples should get engaged based on zero feelings. On the contrary one has to feel an emotional connection to some degree in order to visualize a lifetime together.”
Re: Mrs. H.
Mrs. H.,
My question to you is, where are You?
The internet age has trapped and effected even very, very chassidishe bochurim. Although yes, there are quite a number of VERY chassidishe bochurim/girls that have not fallen prey to internet and movies – 90-95% have.
Trust me. I’m telling you this is the ‘metzius’. Internet has striked and caused major damage without much solution.
The pisron hayachid is -Moshiach ben Dovid – zehu.
So, the author very sadly has to address the Lubavitch crowd and ‘by the way’ –the Gerrer, Bobov, Satmar etc. – KLAL YISROEL.
“Oid Yishoma B’orei Yehudah Uvchutzos Yeroshlayim”.
Why date???
If you don’t trust the “evil guys” to make a good decision since “they have unrealistic expectations” maybe he should just get married…why waste time dating?
About ppl being madly in love after two dates…it’s because they have limited real life experience of a casual acquaintance with the opposite gender.
to: stop it please
please go rewire ur perspectives abt this in a chassidishe way, otherwise, do not comment on something and take it the extremely wrong way……….
2 cents
—————————————————————-
How many times has a shidduch just ended for that very reason. . the boy/girl, (though, far more often, its the boy, (sorry, but its fact) just backs out, even when things are progressing `SO well, simply because he doesn’t feel that ‘excitement’. doesn’t hear the bells ring, doesn’t feel that ‘magic in the air’ . . .
—————————————————————–
Sometimes this means the guy isn’t attracted to her. Plain and simple. And if that’s the case, I don’t think he should be given a guilt trip about it. It’s what he feels. It just makes him more bitter to the people giving him advise because he isn’t listened to.
There is a talk by Rabbi JJ Hecht A“H somewhere on the web where he says that there was a baal teshuva bochur who was dating a girl and said that she was everything he was looking for, but felt something was missing. Rabbi Hecht ask him that before he was religious, would he have turned his head give her a ”second look”? He said no, and Rabbi Hecht pretty much told him that he shouldn’t put more time into it and move on.
I understand that the focus of the article is that people should not have crazy expectations. Nevertheless, chemistry shouldn’t be overlooked. It may be a chitzoniyus, but it is the gateway to pnimiyus.
yentas to blame
and how about those yentas and shadchanim who broke up shiduchim before they even began?? They didn’t give the shiduch a chance, because of their square-minded way of thinking! Shame on those yentas and shadchanim!!!
Don’t blame the singles!
To: Stop it Please
You are clearly not married, because if you were, you would know how misled you are! over 50% of those fallen in love marriages out there end in divorce. We may have divorce in our community, but it doesn’t come close.
My mashpia told me so correctly when I was dating, You don’t need to love him, you need to know that you can
Simcha
Dear stop it, PLEASE:
there are millions of muslims in the world- doesn’t that mean that there must be something to their religion? that logic doesn’t work. (“the world i full of klipah, and reshaim rule it” – Tanya Perek Vov.) We have our values and beliefs that are strong enough to stand up on their own without needing validation from anyone else. but before you commit to marrying a chossid, maybe you should seriously consider if this is the life you want to live.
Dear Mrs. H,
In theory i agree with you, but unfortunately this is the reality. i would say the overwhelming majority of lubavitcher teenagers and young adults unfortunately watch movies, and the effects must be dealt with, even on a public forum. i don’t think there’s any point in ignoring the problem or trying to pretend that we’re like bobov.
Heed the Rebbes advice
The Rebbe did say, often, to give it a break and then see. . . so, give it a break, either short or long. . and try again. . If it was going well at the time, and then he backed out for ‘no apparent reason’, TRY again. . My cousin dated 3 or 4 times, it was going really well, then he said ‘no’. . ONE YEAR later, they were set up again, they met 3 times. . today theyre happily married!!! True, it does’nt work every time, but a. it does many many times and b. if you’re both not married, what do you have to lose. . you just MIGHT see things differently this time.Hatzlocha
Mazel
As a Rov once advised me, marry for respect! Love will come later as you build your bayis ne’eman together! Hashem should bless all of our singles to find their basherte immediately.
I agree with casual observer
I know of a few cases where we were involved in shiduchim we came to the conclusion that these girls need therapy due to fear of intimacy (after hearing the way they would talk).
My wife discussed it with one of the girls who said they might consider it one day(I don’t know how serious she was).
And unfortunately not one of them have got married. A few of them even had broken engagements.
The shadchan also said the same thing to me in one of these cases.
I have learned from my experiences with these kind of girls. I try not to get involved with setting them up. (I just don’t want to mess anybody up). Unless there is evidence they have received counseling and have changed their behavior.
concerned for singles
Simcha,
I 100% agree with your statement about the percentage of bochrim (and girls) who have watched (or who still watch) secular movies, internet TV, and sports. Many Lubavitch youth have facebook accounts so they are on the internet, even if they claim that they do not watch anything secular.
The sad thing is when a girl who has not watched videos tries to find a really chassidishe bocher, well GOOD LUCK!!! There are a few out there who really try to stay away from secular influences but they are the minority, from what I can see. The girls who come home from sem, very idealistic about the type of bocher that they want, soon find that it is a real challenge to find someone like that.
Face it, today’s kids have had it easy and are very spoiled compared to those who lived generations ago. It is hard to sell them on the higher purpose of marriage when what they are seeking is instant gratification.
happily married
I think it’s about time all of the above issues are realized and considered. Girls and boys are exposed to what they chose to and have their wants and needs and ideas for who and what they want to marry. People are more complicated and there are many levels within lubavitch these days. But there is a match for everyone. I’ve seen with myself and friends, eventually and hopefully people find the perfect match for them in all levels.
Personally, I believe physical attraction is very important regardless of what other righteous people will tell you. But attraction is in the eye of the beholder and if girls and guys seriously are mature and understand what a relationship entails in all areas they will have a better clear head when they date someone. I think the sparks are nice but not necessary right away. I myself had those sparks and was engaged pretty fast. Head over heels…like the books and movies you say affect us…and 5 years later, we are happy as ever and still head over heels in a loving ,woderful marriage!!
However, it was between two mature people who also saw past the physical attraction that was there and saw that everything matched up and we were meant to be together.
Girls and bochrim…don’t give up and whether the sparks fly right away or in a little while, make sure the person you marry is somebody who’ll make you happy and who you want to make happy…respect each other and don’t listen to anyone but yourself. It’s your life, your choice and you are the one who is going to be married to that person..nobody else..
GOOD LUCK and i hope that everyone can find their match and be as happy as we are!!
to 2 cents
2 cents. You seem to be missing the authors point. The article was not accusing anyone who didn’t marry because there was no attraction. Quite the contrary , he/ she writes that there has to a emotional connection and a strong feeling of liking and respect etc Naturally one has to feel attracted to the person they’re going to marry, but not to get carried away with expections that arent realistic.
noone has to feel guilty when ending a relationship based on no feelings or no physical attraction and this is NOT what the author is trying to get across
About to embark on the shidduch proccess
Thank you for posting this article and thank you to those who have added to this article with their helpful comments. I know there isn’t much I can do about past comments, but to all future commentators please think through your comment before you press post. Will this comment be helpful or detrimental to someone who is about to begin the shidduch proccess. Remember this is a Lubavitch website, and not a free for all. If you are having challenges please don’t just vent on this website, but do something practical and speak to someone about it-if you have mashpia the go to him/her and discuss your issues with the system with him/her.
To Mrs. H.-Halevai. But i think it’s time to stop being an ostrich and take your head out of the sand. Unfortunetly there is an issue and I believe it is better to address it then pretend it doesn’t exist. Plus it gives these girls/boys hope that they can change as opposed to thinking they are a horrible person who can’t change anything. I’ve been through this-I was only able to stop reading/watching the wrong things because I was told that this is normal and I can change.
Thanks for listening and thanks again for the article and helpful comments
Simcha
i agree with 2 cents. i think he/she was just trying to clarify the author’s intentions to people who might mistakenly conclude from this article that you don’t need to take emotions into account at all.
30 year old SINGLE
Wow, this is quite an interesting article I must say!!!
Although I agree with the author 100% percent, I must ask, isn’t physical attraction and all that goes with it procreation etc , the whole basis of Briyas Haolem??? I understand that people think that after watching “love” in the movies and on tv one has unrealistic expectations, but they’re not really that unrealistic!!! Yes, the stars and music playing in the sky may be a little over the top, but there is something to be said about feeling a little different when one meets someone who “they like”.
Around a year ago, I dated a guy who was “perfect” on paper. We dated for 10 days, almost every day, and we had the greatest time together. At one meal, I wondered what people thought of us when they looked at our table, because we didn’t stop laughing the entire time.
BUT, when it came down to it, and even though I think he will be an incredible father and husband, and he would bring up his children exactly as I would, there was “NO SPARK”. We dated a few times again, even after we had both told our respective parties that thats how we felt and at the end of it, we just couldn’t continue.
So, to all those out there who think we are too picky, and we are all waiting for something that doesn’t exist, THINK AGAIN!!!!!!!
JR
You dated for 10 days, almost every day? That’s a problem right there. No time to think over your dates. A terrible way to date.
And you passed up this guy because of a missing spark at the age of 29? I wonder how old he is. Approaching middle age too and not married? Hard to justify religiously unless he is intensely learning full-time.
What does your concluding line mean? It’s not like you told us that you finally found someone with a spark and live happily ever after. You are single and 30 and approaching middle age.
I can introduce you to many lovely middle-aged single women I know, in their 40’s and 50’s. I suppose they also found a spark lacking in their dating careers.
30 year old SINGLE
JR….
I don’t know if you have any experience with any of this stuff, but whatever age you are, you have absolutely NO IDEA what you’re talking about. And your comment “I wonder how old he is. Approaching middle age too and not married? Hard to justify religiously unless he is intensely learning full-time” is so unbelievably naive and close minded!!!!
I am frum, religiouos, not as chassidish maybe as I could be, but how does that possibly have any kind of bearing on my age and why I’m single????
My closing line means that just because we are older and single, does not mean we have to marry the first guy that comes along, even if we do get along and even if technically we could have a very nice life together…..I’m sorry but if you can’t imagine ever being physical with them, then you have a problem!!!!!!!!!!!
what the....
JR
I was completly taken back by your response back to 30 year old single.
How dare you stand there and judge her when you obviously like she very well sated dont have a clue where shes coming from!!!
Your words were so harsh, judgmental and downright rude, not to mention a sheer lack on insensitivity on your part!!
The rebbe even talks about “ hamshachas helev”. One HAS to feel somewhat of a feeling, a connection in order to marry a future partnet
I am also a older single and have unfortunatly had to turn down many “suitable men on paper” bc there was simply nothing at all there in the relationship, an yes I’m rather wait til I’m in a loving warm relationship then to settle for someone I have zero feelings for and no connection!!
please THINK before you write such a response. Being single is the most hardest place to be , we didnt ask to be in this situation, and hearing such heartless insensitive comments from someone like yourself only makes the journey that much harder!!
People are always ready to offer their insightful advice full of confidence that they have the cure to all this, but nine times out of ten have no idea at all about the single word and the intense pain we go through on a daily basis!!
30 year old single, keept strong, and stay positive, and iyh hashem should find your true parter , somone who you DO feel a physical and emotional connection with !!!!!!!!!!
JR
As for intensely learning full-time, perhaps I wasn’t clear. A mishna in yesterday’s perek in Pirkei Avos says “18 for chuppa.” A man has some leeway to remain single to age 20 or perhaps 23-24 if he is learning full-time. If you have another halachic source that permits a man to remain single and not learning, please cite it. This is not about your feelings but about a man’s religious obligations. He puts on tefillin? Davens 3x a day? Well, he is obligated to be married.
I reread my comment and did not not notice that I said to marry the first man you meet so your response seems out of place. As for “imagining being physical” with your date,“ if I could use an emoticon I’d use a ”nauseated“ one. You may not be as chassidish as you could be (your words) but that’s no excuse for a lack of eidelkeit. Your comment reinforces the idea that Lubavitch has turned Modern-Orthodox. Nebach on us.
Instead of Lubavitchers looking down their noses at other Chassidic groups and rolling their eyes when Boro Park, Williamsburgh are mentioned, perhaps the shidduch-crisis would be solved if parents married off their children as they do in other Chassidic groups which the Rebbe approves of.
If someone is not redt any shidduchim, that’s truly a sad and difficult situation, but when shidduchim are redt and singles are turning them down for secular reasons, as this article states, it’s time to stop demanding sympathy, time to stop screaming about judging, and time to consult with someone about how to go about getting married. Also recommended – read or re-read ”Eternal Joy“, letter the Rebbe wrote on this subject.
As I said, I know numerous single women in the 40-50 age group. They are lovely, frum, definitely not ”bottom of the barrel” women. It’s heartbreaking to see them still not married as their peers are becoming grandmothers.