103 Comments

• Single Girl

  Well said!

• cmr

  very well written and i know i and alot of people i know often wonder the same thing of our married freinds. I really admire the guy who had the guts to write this and to write it so beautifully

• you-re right!

  VERY well said! Hear ye married friends! Sit down with your spouse and make lists of your friends! Someone is bound to be right for someone else!

• An Eitze

  To Single Girl:
  Maybe single girl and single boy should get together?
  You’re agreeing on things-that’s a start

• bochur

  Nice, heartfelt words.

  As a suggestion… You write:

  “I just don’t have the tools to do anything about it – and you do.”

  And then: “(Think how humiliating it would be for me to come back and ask you what happened).”

  I understand why it may be uncomfortable if he followed up on it and they said they are not interested in you. But if (as you seem to feel and are upset about) he didn’t even follow up on it himself, that may be something that you “have the tools” to do.

  In any event, Im yirtze Hashem by dir!

• good ol single soul

  well written
  cmon married ppl.s don’t you want some action in your life (and some shadchanus gelt)

• an observer

  to ‘Eitze’
  are you a married friend?

• single girl

  Pathetic.
  Please young single guy – wearing your heart on your sleeve and expecting the world to bend over backwards and join your pity parties is very unattractive.
  Today’s Hayom Yom says quit the groaning.
  ACT.
  The “ah – you know how it is”, that mentality does not disappear with marriage. Grow up and do something other than check out the grass on the other side of the fence.

• singleMyself

  Very on target point.
  Would have been even better with a preceding proofread.

• :)

  a match a match!!!

• shlucha

  On the flip side – as a married woman, it hurst so much to see that I still have so many single friends and feel so helpless that I do not know so many bochurim out there. We have been married over three years and while my friends are all chassidish & also shlichus oriented, my husband’s friends are more chilled out and dont have the same standards as my friends do. For the few times we though we found a good, compatible match and have gotten the okays fro our single friends, it is ten the parents who stand inthe way and say – oh this girl or this boy isnt good enough for my child. this one’s parents are divorced, this one had a sick cousin, that one was a bit rebellious as a teenager” – parents sometimes make it so difficult for their children -and i dont blame any parent for wanting the best for their children – dont we all? But when your daughter is 27 and one of two single girls in the class, dont you think it’s time to swallow a bit? I dont know, maybe I dont havethe right to say anything because I’m so far from that stage, but just wanted to shed somelight to some people out there. I havent given up and when i meet a new person, i will try to ask them if tehy have anyone in the fam looking for shidduchim, but single friends – please dont judge your married friends. Just because we are married, it doesnt mean that we know so many bochurim on a personal level (that would be problematic), we care for you and are always on the lookout, and daven that you find the right one soon, but please dont feel angry toward us.

• just being practical

  maybe you have some issues, look in your own backyard
  cut the weeds out, then the girls will start lining up,
  i think a visit to a shomer shabbos shrink would do justice,for you that is.

• May it be by you

  Beautiful!! Married folks please dont just scroll on to the next post, make a commitment to set up at least one person !

• Alone

  First off i would like to say, what a fantastically written articale. I am single too and have been in this situation as the writer many a time.
  Our married friends get so wrapped up in their lives, that they forget their single friends who were by their side constantly, helping them with everything and anything. Now that they are happily married, they have to realize that as happy as we are for you, and love celebrating the engagment, wedding, baby etc….we are striving for this as well. And with 2 people getting married, there is always a group of friends the guy has and a group the girl has. By putting there minds too it, they will see that a friend here and a friend there could very well work.
  Married friends: Dont be afrad to suggest someone for your single friend out there. We are not saying we are getting married boom 1, 2,3….and then everything is on your head. Just make the suggestion (if it makes sense, obviously)and you just never know!!! wouldnt u like your single friends to feel the constant joy you are feeling right now day in and day out? you know the hard times we as single people are going through now, you went through them yourselves not to long ago. So take those 10 minutes as your driving to work, rocking your kid to sleep, or eating supper and just think how happy you can make your close friend feel.

  We love you our dear married friends, and we see how happy you are. And we dont be grudge you at all. Just try your hardest to make the comment “Im yirtze Hashem by dir!” that you use so often to us…..come true very soon.

  And to the comment from “An Eitze” this is NO joke!!! your obviously NOT single and not feeling our pain.

  And for all the single people out there…you are not alone. And there IS a light at the end of this tunnel. Some very lucky boy or girl is out there waiting for you. Im single, and going through this with you too.

• Chosson hopeful ...

  I agree, but 2 points:
  1. Within Shono Reshona, you have to allow for newleyweds to spend time with each other. I understand if this can sometime lead to oversight of other people. Give the new chosson and kallah a chance to know each other. After shono reshono, then you can expect more ….
  2. I am in a similar boat to writer of letter. But, my best friend who got married in the summer, and his new wife have actively tried to help me out. My chavrusa from several years ago and is already married for 5 years has also tried hard to set me up. So I guess it depends on the type of friends you have.

  Hatzlacha!

• Agree 100%

  Wow excellent article. I’m single too and it bothers me so much when instead of being practically helpful some of my friend just give me that “ah nebach” look. And it’s so painful. Dear married friends you were all once in the same boat as us, I’m happy for you that you luckily found your beshert already but don’t forget how we’re feeling.do something.

• Regardless the Second

  Ok, you win – I feel guilty. But I still do not know anyone for you, nor does my wife; we have given you considerable thought but still haven’t found anyone that to our minds seems suggestible. I feel guilty anyway though, ’cause that’s the point of your public rebuke. But I must warn you, you won’t be able to marry my guilt.
  Maybe someone can explain why there is suddenly a rash of “personal attack” articles – instead of suggestions, complaints, etc. addressed to the public. First the Shluchah who was uninvited, and now this charming fella’?
  If I don’t find anyone for you soon, should I stop telling you about my kids and stop wishing you “bai dir”? I don’t have the “right” to say these things to a good friend unless I intend on providing the same. No prob. Yours sincerely – regardless.

• square head

  Why does this guy put so much blame on his friend? He says himself:
  “But despite their best efforts the result has so far been a one year string of frustrating dead-end dates.”

  Answer:
  He isn’t. All he is asking his friend for is some simple help, a kind gesture to him, simply because thats what we do as a community, we extend simple, small and selfless actions to each other, to fill in each others “gaps” and hopefully this will reverse the actions that destroyed the Bayis Sheni.

• Someone who-se married

  it’s true. I’m not married to long and i rack my brains with my husband, and we’ve been trying to make shidduchim for friends, but we can never figure any out. I also don’t know too many of my husband’s friends and he doesn’t either know any of mine.
  Some tips you should all read:
  1)Get yourself out there (more farbis and shiurim, shabbos meals, etc.)
  2)Meet new people. Anyone might have an idea for you.
  3)Take chances and go out with more people even if they don’t sound 100% your criteria. You never know.
  4)Go to more shadchanim
  5)Talk more to people you are not majorly friends with
  6)Make up with someone who you have a disagreement with and try to get on good terms (slowly but surely)
  7)Be more agreeing to go out with more people
  8)Drop some requirements of the kind of spouse you are looking for if they are not extremely important to you in life
  Just so people should know (if this does not describe you, then please don’t comment), when you are looking for someone you should try not to be too picky. The pickier you are, the harder it will be. I’m saying this because alot of people nowadays want the perfect/dream man. Nobody’s perfect. You could have someone who’s not the greatest looking (but not horribly ugly), but has beautiful qualities and would be the most wonderful spouse. Keep that in mind.

  P.S. Sometimes people tell someone they have someone for them. But later they might realize it wont work or the other family doesn’t agree, or they find out that the other person is going out already. That’s why they might not get back to them.

• Moshe MS

  While it may be true what you write, I will not go to my friends parents to suggest names, I know my friends and its their parents who block most shidduchim. If i would be able to tell my friend “she is a greeat girl and I will talk to you” i would do that. I am not gonna feel like a fool calling the parents of the girl and boy. My wife would have no problem setting up the girl but directly – and not thru the parents.

  So to the mother who wrote this letter as if she is a Bochur – if you would stop disrupting your sons Shidduchim maybe we can talk. (in general in the female mind – the name Mendy is like saying john doe, a real Bochur would write something like chaim or moishy)

  So tell you son that his friends can talk to him directly, and he can run it by you to see if u object.

• So true

  I feel this guys is absolutely right.

  When i used to date, a lot of friends did the same thing, made those comments, but never followed through.

  Then came along my true friends, who actually did something about it, and set me up. Thanks to one specifically, I’m now married with a couple of kids.

  Thank you dear friend, and Shadchan.

  p.s.. I’ve made quite a few Shidduchim – non of which worked out so far – but I’m not giving up.

• Caligrl

  Wow someone finally said what we have all been feeling.Thank You!! As a single girl I have to say that my married friends are just as guilty. They say they have someone and then you hear nothing. I started asking them “ whatever happened to…” Simply their lives got so busy they just forgot. Sometimes a little nudge cant hurt.

• a mother

  Dear Dov,
  You are only 24, please don’t burn out. When I read your letter, I expected to find a much older guy and then was shocked to find that you are only 24.
  Maybe your mother could talk to Mendy’s wife and ask her for friends that may be shayach.
  Young couples should realize that they are on the front lines of solving the shidduch crisis.
  Dov, every mother of a girl in your age category is going to want to find out who you are.

• SHADCHAN crises

  their is a SHADCHAN crises!! not a shiduch crises

• Elki

  Dov, I hope you find the “girl of your dreams” in the near future. I understand the loneliness and resentment and you’re not wrong. But don’t waste negative energy on being upset with friends that don’t set you up. Use your creativity and vitality to reach out to friends that do help you or would. Some friends are careless and need to be reminded. Sadly, some forget the singles.
  Al Kol Panim, Hatzlachah Rabbah b’Karov Mamash!

• chana

  although it shouldn’t be this way, people have good intentions, but get sidetracked in life with the onslaught of life’s challenges etc.
  Even though it may NOT be your nature, at this point in your life, it is highly recommneded that you change your nature real quick and continue to nudge, nag, remind and continue to remind your well meaning friend(s). the squeaky wheel gets the most grease or something like that….I once fundraised for a ceratin person. I think that every person I asked for help required about 3-4 phone calls, reminders and schlepping to homes to pick up checks, or the time I tried to arrange a lecture for various shluchim. Most required several e-mails and phone calls on my part to get things moving. In a perfect world we all should be more responsive and responsible. You do not have the luxury of time to wait for people even a good friend on their own volition to arrange, to follow through even though they do mean well, but…..keep knocking, reminding; forget the fear of feeling embarrassed or humilated even if you have to play the part of the assertive bussiness man who gets things done; eventually your friend(s) will wake up and smell the coffee and realize what a simply amazing mitzvah and a true act of ahavas yisroel this really is……..
  may we hear good news soon!………….

• Upset Parent

  This is an excellent letter, however I have a different problem.

  I have a very good chassidishe daughter who can’t get past first base with the parents of the boys, because the parents have a list of girls an arm long. So why should they choose a girl from South Africa or Australia or Brazil for example, when there are so many girls from America. I’ll tell you why they should – because it may just be the boy’s bashert and unfortunately the parents of the boys will not give it a try and will let their son go out with another 25 girls before they will realize this mistake.

  Coming back to the original person’s letter, married friends and siblings should definitely assist the boys and girls find their bashert.

• looking for my bashert :)

  wow i couldnt have put it better myself.
  powerful yet non offensive.
  iv been thinking the same thing. its the biggest brocha to be happily married and content that you have found your bashert, but what better way to spread the happiness than to share it and help your dear devoted single friends to find their bashert too.
  and married couples, please dont take this as something negative, sit down now for ten minutes and just imagine the possibilies.. wow! may there only be simchas amongst klal yisroel
  there are so many bochurim and so many girls…. iyh there should be ten engagements on shmais every day from now on!

• INTERESTING IDEA - KOSHER SPEED DATING

  how about kosher speed dating – have 20 guys and girls in a room each get 2 minutes (enough time just to see if there is something to go on or none at all)to sit with each other and at the end they would give the administrator a few names who may be shayach for them and by doing so they would cross off names which are not supposed to be and possibly find someone who might be… just an idea…maybe just for girls and boys over a certain age who arent having mazal this could be very beneficial in a kosher way.

• another single guy

  We need our married friends and the community at large to start inviting guys and girls to the same shabbos tables
  because as you said it takes a lot of luck to set up two people u dont know and expect it to work

• koolchossid

  I think that Dov’s parents should call Mendy and the others Dov’s married friends, each 15 days to ask if they know someone IOW, Every parent should shop around for their kids

• another single guy

  speed dating sounds good any one want to set it up?

• Validation

  I hope your search is over soon. I cannot judge in this situation who may be at fault, and understandably its hard for you. But don’t be so quick to let the blame fall on your friend. We all want to help you, and like it says in perek lamed tanya everyone has their hard struggles just in different areas.

  Your friend has a young son who wakes him up ten times a night and a new business. He loves you and wants to help you, evident in the fact that he at least tries, perhaps his struggle is in following through.

  Everyone seeks validation and support from their friends in life. But realize that there are always two sides of the coin.

  I”yh your own chasuna should take place bshah tova umitzlachas and you should dance with your friend and his son!

• Mom still in the game

  This article was great, it sets just the right tone. But as in everything Lubavitch, even Shidduchim, you have the petty, fahrbisseneren who have to get their shtechs in.

  To Single Girl who called the writer pathetic. Your title explains it all. I have sons & I’d run a mile from you, young lady.

  Who honestly thinks “Dov” is really “Devorah”? I never imagined he is a she. If I’m wrong, then the writer is really very clever & should be snapped up quickly!

  I often thought of speed dating as a goyishe concept, but maybe the time has come to turn it into a Lubavitch-Friendly system….maybe the Shadchanim sit five minutes with each candidate & take it from there.

  I know my daughter & I talk about possible Shidduchim with her friends & young men we know at least once a week. We aren’t Shadchanot but we’re doing our best to help. Some couples have even gone out (no success, though!) The hardest part I see is the unrealistic attitudes of parents. “My son only wants a Chassidishe girl.” “My son” trims his beard till it’s bare, wears jeans, t-shirts & cowboy boots, & smokes like a chimney in the street. He dropped out of Yeshiva at 17.

  How can parents honestly think they can find a “chassidishe” girl for their son. And the boys themselves? A mother asked me last week if I knew someone for her 26 year old. When I asked what he’s looking for, the first words out of her mouth were “thin & pretty.”

  I know her son. In the words of Shimshon A“H, take a look in the mirror, buster!

  My next son to ”go“ isn’t very tall. He wants a frum, tznius girl who can cook, raise a nice family, talk to him, is Chassidish but not fachniyot, & yes, she should have a nice face & dress well. Skinny? No. Gorgeous? No. Party animal? Definitely no! Looks change. Skinny girls can get fat too. He wants a partner, an equal, someone he can support & she will support him.

  As a true story, I heard a girl say outright that as soon as she’s married (she’s engaged) she will stop dieting & let herself be the size she is meant to be (BIG!!). She wants a dog. She doesn’t want to live near HIS family, she doesn’t like his sisters. (??) Her Chosson hasn’t a clue. He thinks he’s getting a sweet, compliant little thing.

  Is the system a big game?

  We know what we’re doing wrong, but as long as there’s the inyan of Yichus & ”your family isn’t good enough” (that gem was said to me once) things will still be difficult. So the problem is very complex. Unrealistic parents, lazy friends, money-grubbing Shadchanim, unrealistic & immature kids, & a strong class system…is it any wonder there is STILL a shidduch crisis despite 10 engagements last week. What’s wrong with this picture?

  On the other hand, I ask what’s wrong with a boy who ONLY wants Shlichus? What’s wrong with a boy who DOES NOT want Shlichus? If we don’t treat each child as an individua or be prepared to modify our demands somewhat & take care of his/her needs then we’ll continue to see wonderful girls 30+ who are still single.

  This syatem is working less & less. Something needs to be done.

• hu?

  speed dating?!? what are we modern orthadox?!?

• Someone who has been there~BIG TIME!

  RULE #1: Don’t rely on ANYONE in the Shidduch business….Unfortunetly, you are NOT on the top of anyone’s list to get married -except your own. It is YOUR life.Period. Shaddchanim can be flakey and forgetful as well…This is my motto for all single girls and guys out there “waiting” for someone: If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF! My question to you is; when your friend mentioned that he had “someone” in mind for you….DID YOU FOLLOW IT THROUGH??? DID YOU CALL/PERSIST UNTIL YOU GOT AN ANSWER? Even if you were being a bit annoying? Or did you just “wait around” until he saw you again…? This is the harsh truth. You are on your own in this…Even parents & family have their limitations on how much they can help…Everyone is overwhelmed and busy with lifes daily challenges…Stop kvetching!You are not a child, Fight for yourself! And YOU WILL find her Bezras Hashem. Believe me, I have been there. Hatzlacha Raba…May Hashem help you and guide you to the right one.

• yankel

  To this single guy, perhaps your friend has gone over with his wife all the names of her friend and still nothing of that came to be anything! maybe the different friends they tried said no for what ever reason? even if she has 10 good friends who she knows well many of them she or he would think that they aren’t right for you for what ever reason. stop crying and pointing fingers as to why you are not engaged or marries yet. maybe its time for a little more learning of Torah etc..

• shadchan

  I dont agree with speed dating at all.In two min u cannot find out anything about a person.In the end theyll just be slashing more names whom they couldve gone out with for a few hours an seen a whole diff perspective.

• married friend

  As a married couple we continue to try and assist in shidduchim for our friends. We dont tell them about it unless we get affirmative of an interest from the other side.
  So dont assume your friends are not trying. Most likely they are!!

• left

  Great article I must say. This only goes to underscore how important it is realize the challenges that lies in staying in the community.

  One must realize that there are options that lie els were. Realize that there is a big world out there in that you actually have the ability to create your own reality.

• some points to ponder.

  So many emotions went through me as I read your letter, and the subsequent comments. A few weeks back, I came up with a BRILLIANT idea for my cousin. The boys side set yes. The fathers of both parties are friends. I called her parents, and her father said he would get back to me. I bumped into the girl in question, and mentioned the boys name to her, and she started crying. My parents are not interested in him, because his mom is a BT. (Father of the boy is Gezzhe) The girl continued on, by telling me that I must be the tenth person to come up with this name. I said thats crazy. I tried to call my aunt again, and her husband told me that I insulted him so badly, he does not want to talk to me again!! The boy is a fantastic boy. Sometimes parents really get in the way with their old fashioned standards! Its really crazy.

  I have another point. Some girls are so materialistic its sick. I heard it from one sweet, chasidishe, pretty girl, that she cant go out with a guy who dresses nerdy, cuz she cant be embarrassed by his looks. I know I changed my husbands wardrobe after we got married to suit my tastes, and I like the way he looks today just fine, and am NEVER embarrassed, but this girl seems to think mister perfect in every way is the only way for her to go.

  One more thing. I know alot of people, me included want to help with shidduchim, but are very farnummen with our lives too. I dont think its embarrassing to stay on someones tail with weekly reminders. It only reminds me that the first chance I get I should make some fone calls.

  Lastly, my post is not to say that people are bad, CH”V. It is that some people dont realize what they come accross as, or perhaps they need some more compassion, or growing up. Please dont comment back judging my personal stories. You dont know the people. Al todin ess chavercha.

  Whew nuff said, May Hashem see fit to send shidduchim in the right time, and for those who need it, may YOUR right time be NOW!

• Not only married friends-

  Not only married friends- what about co-workers, people you sit next to in shul, relatives(not only close relatives), the people you bump into in the street four times a week. Where are all these people and why aren’t they thinking of someone, some idea, to show they care, and help us out of this crisis!?!?!

• to: another single guy

  hey, im with you- speed dating might just be it!

• wishful thinking

  I love the idea of speed-dating. I am a mom with available children of both genders… I would welcome the speed dating suggestion under the proper auspicies.
  or, what about a ‘get-together’, also under the proper auspecies. maybe someone out there gutsy enough to arrange this? I would suggest someone similar to Shea Hecht as the proper auspecies..along the chassidish trach with his feet firmly planted on the ground.

• Just myself, not single, just myself.

  Well, there are a lot of thoughts flying around over here….everyone has their own opinions and ideas, and I love reading all the comments….

  I just want to say, to the person (whoever you are) who wrote this article, you seem to have a real passion and creativity for life in general.
  So, whilst I totally understand, that single life may not be what you want, and married life your ideal. Don’t waste yourself along the way. It’s a journey, a process….and I think you’re lucky that you are so in touch with your feelings and emotions, not everyone is.

  Use your passion and creativity to bring out the best in you, for you, not for anyone else. I’m sure once you do this, your life will fall into place around you. It may not happen straight away, but you’re only 24, don’t give up on life yet because you’re 24 and single.

  Sometimes I think that in our community, there’s this underlying idea that creeeps up, that you’re not really worth anything until you’re married. This is so wrong. Whilst you can not ultimately fulfill your purpose in life, until your soul is back together with it’s other half. That doesn’t mean that the 20-30 years before are worthless and not note-worthy.
  Those years before, they make you who you are. The experiences – the good ones and the bad, they shape you as a person, they determine your character and outlook on life, and there’s nothing wrong with some people taking more time than others.

  I’ll stop now…I think i’ve gone on enough. It just hurts how young girls and boys (i’m not talking about older ones), feel so bad about themselves, for the simple reason that they’re not married yet.

• please dont loose focus

  all this “speed dating” or getting together at the same shabbos table sounds like a good idea. however there is a reason why the shidduch system is set up the way it is. as a matter of fact a very good reason. getting together in this way can lead to not nice endings which is why there is something called “shomer negiya”.necessarily in the litiral sense but also in the idea behind it.

  i know for those experiencing what the writer is going through, it’s tough to handle. and being so any idea which might work is worth a try however sometimes an outsider sees things in a different light and help keep you on track. there i think that this whole idea of “getting together” is not the frum way.
  iy”h all those which are looking for a spouse should find them asap with hashem’s help (of course)!!!

• To Just Myself

  To Just Myslef:
  The bottom line is that in Chabad, as a girl, if you are planning to go on shlichus once married, there is only so much you can do while still single!
  Sometimes I feel like I am stuck at a red light! What more can I do already until I am married? I can work at a Chabad helping shluchim, I can pick up some hobbies, but I can’t move on with my life because my future- shlichus- cannot happen without a husband!

• YOUR SINGLE FRIEND....

  I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!! Especially because I know my friend’s husbands have many single friends that are definitely the type that I’m looking for. They just have to put their minds together. When a name comes from a shadchan, it’s just a name on a list. But when a name comes from a friend- IT’S A PERSON- they know both sides personally… It means SOOO much more to us!! I’d like to say thank you to my friends who HAVE mentioned bochrim for me- I know how my Mother’s face lights up when she gets a phone call from a friend of mine. It’s refreshing to hear a warm, thoughtful idea from someone we know knows me well and cares about me. One thing is forsure, when I get married i”yh I will definitely try my hardest to set up my single friends. It’s the ideal, fastest way to make a shidduch. I try even now- if a name is not shayach for me, my mother and I discuss which other friend we can mention it for. We just give the name over, and maybe something will come out of it. At least we tried to help others.

  To married friends: Please think of us. It takes just a few minutes of thought, and you can help build an everlasting home!!

• Vus Is a single ?

  Dov, (devorah?), you sound like a nice guy and everything but don’t wait to be taken by the hand. Sociaty’s lack of recognition for anybody who’s not a parent or a dependent is a cultural cancer that plages communities such as ours. Most “freinds” we have are rather blind to the real stuff of life and think that suggesting names is all it takes solve the worlds problems. The most you’ll get from them is something like “im yirtza hashem ba dir,” or some other stupid repititious jargon. That’s just the way they are.

• singleAndThinking

  It’s happy to see that enough people are worked up over this issue. Speed-Dating would be nice in theory…find me ten guys and girls that would be willing to be the first korbonos….yeah right. Shabbos meals, however, seems like a much more realistic and comfortable option, vote me in.
  Another suggestion: since an article like this gets so much attention and feedback, shouldn’t we have an online forum dedicated to the matter of shidduchim in lubavitch? I think it’s important for all these issues to be “brought up on the table”

• parent

  In additional to helping with shidduchim, your single friends still need your friendship and support. B’H you now have the closeness of a marriage relationship. It’s ahavas yisroel and in your busy lives, something worth going out your way for. It really makes a big difference in the life of your single friends who are not going through the easiest of times. Also as a parent, it is so much work trying to marry off your children. We really need all the help we can get!Simchas by all.

• Speed dating

  although the idea sounds fantastic to me and it would be the quickest way to introduce boys and girls i feel that what will come out of it will not be good. i think it will lead to too much friendliness and soon we will be having many more problems than we have now. boys and girls will be talking together everywhere and our level of ruchniyus will be lowered. dont start yelling. think about it for a minute. if someone can come up with a brilliant plan where it can be done in a private and “kosher” way by all means suggest it.
  o and to all those single boys and girls-your married friends DONT forget about u they are always thinking, calling, suggesting, asking, looking basically keeping their eyes open for you, even if they arent telling you. they care about u.

• Shmuli

  Unfortunately, throughout all these comments, it’s really easy to work out who are the singles and who are the married guys. Simply, the single guys care and the married guys don’t. They have a thousand and one excuses and they are posting them in their comments.

  It’s not a shadchonim crisis. Most shidduch suggestions are not made by shadchonim, they are suggested by friends or relatives. So, it’s a friend crisis. We singles ain’t got no true friends!

  If you are our friends, wake up and smell the coffee!

  If you’re not, don’t tell me about your baby! If you don’t care about me, I don’t want to care about you either!

  (Sorry to be blunt, but many of your single friends do feel like that from time to time – they just don’t say it.

• speed what?

  There are quicker ways to introduce boys and girls. In 12th grade. But, of course, its like mixing basar bicholov. Now you got a problem. so you invent speed dating peekaboo systems and a lot of nice suggestions. Get real, poeple.

• singeAndThinking

  So, any techies out there want to set up a forum for ideas, suggestions and discussion??

• Behind The Scenes

  You mention a suggestion is made or interest is asked, yet never follows through. It seems that may be true but what you don’t realize is maybe once you have expressed interest, they did further research and what they thought was a good suggestion turned out to be incompatible. Maybe the other side checked you out and it wasn’t a go right from the start. So even though the intentions were noble, for whatever reason it wasn’t pursued; not because of negligence.
  There are no rules in this business, but if you wish to rely on best friends make sure they know that and keep checking in with them. Many bochurim shrug off suggestions from their friends so it reaches a point where their closest friends don’t feel the need or desire to help anymore.

• Just myself again

  ”To Just Myslef:
  The bottom line is that in Chabad, as a girl, if you are planning to go on shlichus once married, there is only so much you can do while still single!
  Sometimes I feel like I am stuck at a red light! What more can I do already until I am married? I can work at a Chabad helping shluchim, I can pick up some hobbies, but I can’t move on with my life because my future- shlichus- cannot happen without a husband!”

  There is something very wrong over here. I’m trying to work out exactly what’s going on. I have so many thoughts on this subject, and what you’re saying just doesn’t seem to make sense.
  You as a person, have your own character and personality, your own talents, your own ideas. I don’t understand why your life has to wait to start, until you get married and go on shlichus.
  You don’t need to wait until then to discover who you are, you shouldn’t wait until then to make a positive contribution to your surroundings, and you definately shouldn’t be thinking that you can’t move on with your life until then. Why wait? Why stunt your growth?

  This is something that I see over and over in our community. I don’t know about the boys’ side, but I know that in the girls side…lots of my friends, and girls that I meet, they’re just waiting to get married.
  Getting married isn’t something you just do for the year, it’s not something that you can plan specifically.
  You can feel ready, and you can do your part in trying to make it happen, but it shouldn’t be your ‘job’ for the year, you shouldn’t feel that getting married alone, justifies your existence.

  I wish I could change how people feel about themselves, when did this happen? Why do people feel that they are nothing without marriage?

  Don’t worry, i’m not anti-marriage…i’m exactly like you, a regular Chabad girl, and I look forward to the day that I meet the right person, and we set up our home together.

  Until then…? Until that day, i’m going to keep working, and keep learning, and keep on growing to better develop the person I am now, because when I do meet someone, I want to be the best person I can be at that particular time.

• Humanity Crisis

  Shmuli you are on the ball: there is no shidduch crisis. there is a serious freind crisis.

  It’s not only about getting married: it’s about getting an appartment, getting a spot in a yeshiva, getting an interview, getting around, getting a car to borrow for a road test, getting a place to stay in CH when you come for shabbos. every aspect of life comes around through friends and relatives and networking. And that’s what’s lacking.

  When there is no family, there is no car, there is no financial security, there are a LOT of suggestions (names), no support system, and, of course, a big “wonder” why shiduchim aren’t making any progress. Sure, everybody provides encoragement, but the day after your wedding you are on your own. True freindships have no place in our little neighborhood.

• the details

  To all those that are nit-picking this article: Don’t get caught up in the details (“I think that Dov’s parents should call Mendy and the others Dov’s married friends, each 15 days to ask if they know someone”, “perhaps your friend has gone over with his wife all the names of her friend and still nothing of that came to be anything!”), its not about the PARTICULARS in this story, its about the general idea; EVERYONE should be helping and always thinking of everyone else!

• another mother of a boy

  For those mothers who are frustrated, contact the networking group at shidduchgroup@yahoo.com and say that you want to form a mother of boys support group. If enough mothers want to form a networking group, they can share ideas. What is not workable for this boy might be good for that one. The same could be from mothers of girls. Maybe they could put together a conference call as they did in the past.
  Now that we are into Purim and Pesach, the dating season is winding down because summers tend to be the slow season for Chabad younger singles because of camps. Everyone leaves the city and it is harder to bring people together. Mothers can help their children by networking. This group, started by mothers in Chicago had their first kinus ha shidduch this past January and at that point had made 39 shidduchim. I believe that more have occured since the kinus. Don’t just kvetch, contact the group and let’s get another teleconference going.

• NICE LETTER BUT.....

  I HAVE ONLY 2 THINGS TO SAY.
  1) VERY OFTEN I ASK MY SINGEL FRIENDS WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR SO I CAN HELP THEM AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I NEVER GET AN ANSWER FROM THEM, THEY DO NOT WANT TO TELL ME, SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!?!
  2) THE REASON MANY YOUNG COUPLES DO NOT INVITE THEIR SINGLE FRIENDS FOR SHABBOS IS BECAUSE OF TSNIOUS REASONS THAT YOU(AS A SINGLE) MIGHT NOT AGREE WITH BUT IF THIS IS WHAT THE COUPLE HOLDS THAT THAT IS THEIR DECIDSION. I ALSO DO NOT TAKE SINGLE PEOPLE TO MY SHABBOS TABLE.

• isareli soldier (chabadnik)

  First off as a fellow in the same sitch. I Agree. even as as single guy (i know i shouldn’t be but) i try to set my friends up with girls who happen to pass my way, or are friends of my sisters. we all have to to do what we can to help.

  To some ppl 24 is still young “why are you in a rush” and to others who grew up on Chabad values there comes a point where your just “late” and you start feeling the pressures of dating for 3 years to no end.

  So i skipped through part of the page so i don’t know if it was Mentioned. But you may want to try using Chabadmatch.com as a way to find your own shidduch instead of relying on other ppl. its a good site where you can place a profile of who you are and what your looking for and you can opt out for 1) only shadchanim can see it. 2) singles can see it without your name and contact info. (in which case they track you down through a shadchan with your chabadmatch ID number) or 3) they can see you full name with the basic part of your profile… with this account you can now search with some basic criteria a list of girls/boys and read how they describe themselves and what they are looking for in a spouse. i think its a great way to get the ball rolling on your own without relying on other ppl.

  I use it myself all the time and even use it to help my friends out…

  good luck to all of out there, we know we need it…

• have kids in the parsha

  In this day and age, parents and singles need to be very proactive, taking upon themselves to make at least one phone each day to someone to ask them if they have any ideas for you or your children. Networking is the way. Also, joining the shidduch groups around, taking on extra inyanim that the Rebbe suggests for shidduchim, increase in learning- everyone has their own hishtadlus to take on, and again- netowrk, network, network and then follow up, follow up, follow up.
  Hatzlacha Rabba everyone.
  Remember the only effective shadchan is Hakodesh Baruch Hu.

• Single guy

  “Beauty may fade but ugly is forever” So said a wise man. But seriously, if you’re going to comment in a public forum, learn to spell and use punctuation.

  The fact of the matter is shadchanim in Crown Heights suck.

• Married Lady

  wow what a powerful letter. Many of the above comments have very valid points. i do believe teh shidduch crises is not being helped by the apathetic, insensitive and uncaring way in which shaddchanim in this community deal with the situation. As a girl who got married at an “older” age 24, many a time i was forced to seek out the help of the crown heights shadchanim…I cant begin to tell u teh anxiety and general feeling of “well wahts wrong me me” that i dealt with upon each such visit. Only for it to be made worse when teh shadchanim answer the door with a blank look on their face “who are you” tehy ask when u just made the appointment with them 30 mins before! adn then u enter…kids are flying there is NO privacy, their phone rings off the hook…they talk endlessly in front of you and then tehy deign to look you up and down thrust u a piece of paper and say “write 2 sentences about yourself”. i mean how ridiculous?! this is NOT to say taht all shadchanim are like this…just most of them. Being a young marreid couple my husband and i host many meals and have set up nearly all of our single freinds on dates…many of them have not worked out but at least we have tried and given them teh thought, care and attention. And, when tehy call us we go into a room close to the door and listen to tehm with respect and offer what advice we can give. I am now a few years older than when i got married and most of my girl friends are married however our single freinds know that we are here and they an rely on us should they need us to investigate, make phone calls or to vent or to give advice. So all married pple out there whith single freinds BE sensitive to them ASK them waht you can do to help BE honest even if you do nto knwo anyone ask them if u can make phonecalls for them etc. And shadchanim out there who treat teh yungeliet of crown heights so appalingly SHAME ON YOU do you not realize the power you have to make a difference and do so with kindness?? i wish for everyone who is searching for their bashert to find them with ease!!

• YM

  Humanity crisis has it right. There is a major friend crisis in Crown Heights. I live here, have lived here for years but i’m still an out of towner. I have plenty of ‘friends’ from CH, who i spent years with in yeshivah and shlichus and smicha. I see my friends at Shule and thats about it. I get plenty of open invites to come for meals. But thats not a invite. I’m not turning up to your house or your parents house one friday night because I saw you down Kingston Ave one day and you said i have to come for a meal. Use a phone!

• male or female?

  so true, I think this was written by a woman, either a boys mother or sister, it just has that female thing to it. If that is so, thats really strange.

• Single

  Another point:
  Singles are not off the hook.
  If you date someone who is not for you, think about which of your friends he/she would be good for and make the suggestion.

• Dear Shmuli,

  I’m sorry you feel this way at only 24 years of age. I feel you’re frustration as well, while I’m 26 and single, my friends are having their 2nd and 3rd child already.
  I wish I can tell you it gets easier…I hope it does. If there is one piece of advice I can give you it would be, do not sit around and mope about you’re plight,
  There are many other singles out there who have even a more difficult time out there and they pull it together every day. This is the time when you become who you are.
  Focus on the good, I know it’s hard. But when you’re time comes you will never look back and hopefully learn from your friends mistakes.

  PS. To all those that are saying that weather you know it or not you’re friends are looking out for you…I have a hard time believing that for over 3 years they could not even pull a date out of there hat.

• Here-s an Idea

  As a married girl who had a difficult time with shidduchim, (until my husband came along) I felt that more needs to be done with Shidduchim and that I would try my best to make shidduchim, (which I did, I have already made one shidduch and I am working with a few more)
  But it’s not as simple as ask your husband for his friends etc. because there might be very different types of friends, difference in ages, difference in locations, etc. Also, I think it might not necessarily be healthy for a young married couple to get too involved with shidduchim as they need to focus on mainly on one shidduch, i.e. their own. Sometimes making shidduchim can be full of tension – whether it’s the singles’ parents, or the dating itself. (Please note, many parents won’t take ideas from their children’s friends) It’s unfair to expect married couples to have time or energy for this especially when they might not have the experience that is necessary to deal with issues that might come up. Some of the these friends might not have had much dating experience (B”H!) and they don’t know how or what to do in sticky situations. Why always are we putting blame on the married couples for not setting up her friends with his friends. It’s wonderful when it happens, but it should not be expected, it’s really unfair.
  On the flip-side, married couples who feel like they could do something, should. If you have an idea, but no time, patience or experience to work it through. Give the idea to someone who is adept at being an appropriate go between, and have them work on it. It’s true alot is being asked, but if you just think about it as one step, and not a big hassle, can’t you do that for a good friend?
  There should be shadchanim, who specifically work with ideas (from friends) that are already there, available to be the go between and deal with all the minute details of the shidduch. This way everyone can do what they are capable of. Not asking a young couple to be the go between etc., (which they might not have the experience or desire to be) and not asking the shadchanim to come up with ideas for people they possibly never even met, and probably don’t even know.
  I think this is something that would be much more productive than speed dating or shabbos tables together, which could lead to unhealthy relationships etc. (there is a reason we don’t just randomly meet a guy in bar (lehavdil) because the research, the backgrounds, the goals are all more important in the long run than initial (2-5 minute) chemistry.
  If enough people back such an idea, maybe we can get the community council to run such a program of a go between only shidduch system where the ideas came from friends? Please comment and let me know if you think this could work.

• BoomBastic

  Very well said!
  We really appreciate the consideration, but if you ‘married’ friends have someone for your singel friends please try to make it happend. And stop with the dubm questions as they dont want to get married!

• Single girl with an idea

  An idea: Lets have a Lubavitch website for single boys and girls to fill in what they are looking for, their goals in life, a little about themselves… There should be a shadchan behind the website that will give every one a number, so there wont be names written. The boys and girls should be able to go through the website and read what the boys/girls wrote about themselves and if there is someone that sounds like it will work, he/she should contact the shadchan that’s behind the website and the shadchan will work from there.
  And fellow singles, yes I know it’s hard especially when your really good friends are parents already. But, we must have faith in Hashem. This should be the hardest test we should go through and it should be over NOW! We should meet out bashert now and build a Binyan Adei Ad!

• to single guy

  I take it that you are not fond of shadchanim. You probably had a few bad dates or you just lacked communication between yourself and the shadchan.
  How can you say such an untrue statement, do you know how many happy couples there are b/c of CH shadchanim, unfortunately the system did not work for yet.
  But please g-d when it does work I expect you to write an opinion editorial on how much you love your wife all thanks to the CH shadchan.

  PS. I had my own run ins with shadchanim, and still do…but I don’t talk bad about ppl who are trying to help. Think about it…whole poin of this OP-ED is about how friends should/don’t help friends and if your hating shadchanim what do ye got left?? At least they might get you on a date.

• mitmazel

  Many comments are generalizing, and picking on the “other side” that doesn’t do what they want: shadchanim, married friends, single friends, parents, etc. The truth is we cannot blame any situation on ONE factor, because in each case it is different. Stop the blame game, deal with the realities on the ground; you are wasting your time.

  Along the same lines, many of us singles HAVE been helped by friends (which really is appreciated, we know it’s not easy), and we singles have NOT always followed up as well as we can. There’s room for improvement at all levels, so everyone get off your high horses and DO something about the situation. Anything – a phone call, an email, a small suggestion – is more active than nothing at all.

  If the author of the article is a girl: why did you not write it from your own perspective? Odd. But hey, you sure sparked a discussion:)

• Elana

  If you singles want to take matters into your own hands then sign up to:
  chabadmatch.com!!!!!!

• and also consider...

  Not only should our married friends extend themselves to support us and stand by us in OUR challenging stage (when they have crossed that bridge), BUT ALSO OUR FELLOW SINGLE FRIENDS!!!

  I have tried to set up many of my single friends with guys I have iether dated (but didnt work)or heard about (but want right for me).
  But unfortunatly only one sinlge friend of mine has tried to help me out, on one occasion…. ALL my many other single friends are iether (also) too wrapped up in themselves, or worried I might get to the CHupah before them!

  There is an all-round responsibity;
  for the individual themselves, family memebers, close married AND single friends – we all need to HELP EACHOTHER!

• speed dating comment

  To single girl with an idea – such website exists, its called chabadmatch.com
  and about the speed dating idea – ive actually thought of a similar thing myself, then dismissed it for two reasons.
  First – as has been mentioned before, its not in the spirit of frumkeit, and the chassidish way of doing things etc. (i know i could have worded that better, but its already been stated, so just writing quick)
  Second – How embarrassing! imagine being one of those singles in the room – i (am single) wouldnt do it, and im sure many single girls i know who have been looking for a while would also not do it, just cuz of the humiliation! so in the end, it would backfire.

• Stop Talking - Here-s what to do

  When my husband and I have guests for shabbos, I invite 2-3 of the girls I know and he invites 2-3 of the guys. Guess what? Often by Tues or Wed one/two pairs are dating! Sometimes it takes a week or two, but a couple of these pairs will be on dates! So far – in 3 months, 4 shidduchim. Imagine if more of us did this. Bring them to your table and things will happen…

• Yet another MOM

  My daughter was introduced to her bashert by her good friend and the friend’s husband. They knew the boy, introduced him to the girl. Parents were willing & cooperative, IT WORKED!! b”H. This method, as described in the letter, CAN be SUCCESSFUL, avoids dealing with shadchanim, which was preferable to us. I have tried to suggest names for children of friends, also, but no success as yet. As responsible, caring Yidden, we must think of shidduchim for others.

• The ME generation

  I am married B”H for a number of years and I have always tried to put people together and have worked so hard (nothing has ever come out of it). But I have NEVER felt upset or depressed for not being married when I was still single. What is the matter with people nowadays that they feel so depressed if Chas Veshalom they are not married by 20 (girl) or 24 (boy)!?! Why are they hanging out and doing nothing with their lives? Once you are married, you will have a family to provide for (and it’s VERY hard to find shlichus); you will have relationship issues to deal with and someone to always answer to; you will the hardships of raising kids (and the joys); but you will never be free to find yourself as you can now. Yes marriage is a beautiful thing, but you will never be at that wonderful single stage that you are at now – why waste it on regrets and worry from the moment you are out of seminary or shlichus? How terrible to have boys and girls meet each other somehow through speed dating! How terrible to go out with more and more people until you find someone you can be with – why put so many other bochurim and girls through the dating process when you are not even sure what you are looking for? And don’t be so picky. No girl will stay beautiful forever and no guy will stay handsome forever – one day you will be old and ugly together and then you can only hope to be able to find the beauty within. Look within now. No one is perfect – not even you! To those bochurim who are 24 and nebach desperate, look for the girls who are older than you and have so much to offer since they come from a different generation and are not narcissistic – they are past that. Learn Torah, Chassidus, teach, help people, get a job and grow up. Be happy when you go out and not depressed – maybe then we will be happier to look for someone for you. Trust me – life only gets harder from there! Hatzlocha!

• reader

  What would Shismhon Stock have said to this article?

• married finaly

  I just wish married people accepted singles into society. I think that what adds to the desperation of being single is this feeling out there created by others that singles are lesser that married people. Yes its true, they are missing their spouse and dont have a home and a family. and its very hard. But their lives are valuable. I noticed the stark contrast in the social scene after I got married. Finaly, I wasnt pitied, i wasnt a failure, I was a somebody.. I had a husband. I was valued. Theres a certain respect in our community for a married person. No matter how accomplished or talented you may be, you just dont measure up if you’re not married. As a married person, I finaly felt valued as an individual. I count. I’m worthwhile. I could let down my guard, I could relax. I dont have to worry that a dozen potential mothers in law are judging me the minute I step out of my house. It’s just such a world of a difference. You cant beleive it tillyou feel it. Its like you’re walking down the street with a crown of royalty. Lets extend this feeling of acceptance to our friends who are not yet married, they may not have a husband or a family of their own, but why should they have to feel second class because of it? They should be granted the same respect and admiration. in a way they deserve our admiration even more… for hanging in there when ties are realy tough. And for being strong and positive in such a dificult situation.

  And remember, when you go homw to your kids, spouse and home. They go home to a lonely, quiet apartment. dont underestimate the value of a Shabbos or supper invitation. And a friendlg gesture goes a really long way.

• another single guy

  I still think it has to become more acceptable to have guys and girls at the same shabbos tables

  before you go out there is only so much you can find out by asking people, when you see someone at a shabbos table you can at least get an idea if you migght be interested in going out

• A side point

  This is kinda off track, but it’s something important to mention, and i dont know where else to mention it.
  Think of your parents, and specifically your mother, who has been spending the past _ years/months, etc working on your shidduch. Non-stop pressure, losing many nights of sleep, and aquiring many gray hairs under her shaitel on your account. I am not going for a guilt trip, the point id like to make is – treat her with respect, and GRATITUDE!!!! remember, she is human also, and while its difficult for you, its difficult for her as well. She is doing this for you, not for her own health. I know its her “job” – but again, she is human, and there is only so much a person can handle. Ease the pressure on her, and thereby help yourself, by thanking her for what she is doing for you, and by being cooperative. May we all be zoche to celebrate many chassunahs together!

• Young&Single

  this is such a great article!!!!

• someone

  go out and get married instead of writing letters
  but i must admit its well said

• a worried mother

  As you can see this article has touched a raw nerve. As a parent of a single I find myself asking the same questions that were asked here. I don’t think speed dating would work. You can’t just go by a few minutes. I do think that Shabbos tables would work!! I’m sure of it and have seen it happen numerous times. Once people are enjoying themselves at the table, you tend to see a beyond the look and size. On paper everyone is the perfect match but it seems everyone is a clone!!!
  I also want to add, that just because a girl or boy don’t want to go on Shlichus that doesn’y mean they are off!! I know that that is going off the subject but if we are already talking then let’s talk!
  Many girls have no problems with a worrking boy but if they say that people assume they are very modern. That’s so silly.As my single gets older his/her wants are different. Some might say they are getting pickier but I also feel that they will settle. Bottom line…we need help from everyone but mostly we need to bang on the gates of heaven. It just cannot be that Hashem will forsake a generation ! I want to wish everyone luck. Let this month of Adar be filled with simchos and may we all have be blessed with patience. I hope someone will write that this article helped make even one shidduch!!

• shimshon fan

  It is interesting that a couple of posts mention Shimshon Stock (OBM). I spoke with him several times about shidduchim as well as read all of his articles. He was against all the excess checking into people that causes so much rejection. He also didn’t feel that people needed to satisfy such a long list of expectations. He also felt that if women were older and still not married, it was OK to marry outside Lubavitch but then Lubavitch was more acceptable to other frum Jews.
  In his day it was simpler, although members of his generation still tell of shidduch difficulties since it is compared to the splitting of the yam suf. There were not as many variables and most Lubavitchers lived in a few main cities. Many families had several generations of connections to one another. There was only one generation of BTs and most BTs married other BTs. (However there were some “mixed” marriages too.) In those days also, it was not particularly advantageous to be pathetically thin. Overweight people had a better chance then. We also had direct answers from the Rebbe then. Don’t forget that this is a MAJOR factor in the shidduch issues. We don’t have the same degree of guidance. We have the igros but we rarely see rabbonim address shidduch issues except to declare that working boys need to get married and that staying in yeshiva is the best course for single men.

• another single guy to another single guy

  it is more acceptable. you just need to accept it (as you believe it) and then it will be even more acceptable.

• single girl with married friends

  TO NICE LETTER…BUT
  stop trying to put blame on your single friends, its just not nice. if you cant help then you can’t help, but be honest and admit it.dont find ways to shift blame. and honestly the last thing your single friends need is a married friend with an atitude such as yours

• Parents

  As parents of married children, who have set up fine Chassidishe homes, BH, and parents of children yet to be married iyh, we just don’t understand and fail to grasp the new “ikkur” that is being stressed.
  Did our holy rebbeim instruct us to prepare long involved profiles (wish lists) and photographs, to be dispatched, at the touch of a button, and judgements based on this electronic, impersonal information?!
  Of course, we should certainly make extensive inquiries, but we have to realise what is important and what is just superficial.
  Why have we made the “ikker the toful and the toful the ikker”.
  A man once cried to the Alter Rebbe that he was unable to make a shidduch for his daughter, as people said she was not nice looking. The Alter Rebbe replied that he would take her as a wife for his son, the holy Mittler Rebbe.
  Iyh, may we all be zoche to see our children under the chuppah, bringing nachas to the Rebbe and Klal Yisroel.

• mt

  while i appreciate the article, i dont understand why you write names, unless ‘mendy’ and ‘dov’ are pen names

• Profession who cares

  I frequently post on CHI with a name. This time I am not for a particular reason.
  I am amazed at the outpouring of feelings and opinions on this op-ed, which is very well-written and from the heart.
  I am a middle-aged woman and a certified life coach. I decided to target single boys and girls for group coaching. I always felt that this state of limbo for frum young people is very painful and isolating.
  So I run groups for like-minded single women who have a chance to express their feelings among people who share their situation. The groups are limitd to 8 so that everyone has ample time to talk.
  I am not a shadchan (have made several) but have a deep understanding that this population is spilling over with a need to have a forum in which to speak together.
  So far I only advertised for girls, but I would run groups both for boys only and mixed. I don’t advertise mixed groups because I don’t anyone to think there’s anything improper about them. And who knows, maybe ….
  So I am posting anonymously because this is not an ad. I will be advertising on CHI shortly.
  (Location in Brooklyn)
  If anyone is interested please post your comment or write to the webmaster who will contact me.
  Hatzlachah to you all.

• another single guy

  This article is already working i got a call from a friend mendy ( I dont konw if its the one from the letter)with a suggestion

• Rivkah B.

  From this article two points emerge: one is that married couples, especially young newly married couples, have to show a bit more sensitivity towards those who are not yet married by not flaunting their happy lives and adding to the pain or suffering the singles are still gowing through. I think that is something people do not realize enough.
  And, another point that people tend to “forget” is that Hashem is truly in charge of all shidduchim. It is written when and to whom you will marry. Therefore, although we definitely have to make a keli and the boy must look actively for his shidduch, as the Rebbe emphasized many times, the truth is that the person who is destined to be the shaliach to bring the shidduch will eventually be found and there is no point in being angry at friends. Maybe they do try and things dont work out so they do not come back to say anything out of embarressment. Who knows? But the point is that Hashem is in charge and if your friend is not the shaliach for you, someone else will be. Hashem has many shluchim.
  So just hang in there, pray and do your part to actively look and Hashem will bless each and everyone with their shidduch in a good and auspicious time.

• A Soon to be married girl

  Very nice letter! I understand and agree with you Dov.
  There are many married friends who do forget about their single friends and it hurts because they know us the best and can help us more than a shadchan!
  Also many friends want to help us but are afraid to make shidduchim incase we wont like the other guy or girl and get upset at them for proposing such a shidduch! But married friends out there do not be afraid to make a shidduch!! Even if it doesnt work out once, dont give up!
  My soon to be married friends used to tell me they will invite bachurim and girls to their shabbos table (in a proper way) for shidduch purposes… but as soon as they got married it suddenly could not be done. and they forgot about their single friends completly…
  So those who out there do think about your single friends Yasher Koach and continue the gr8 mitzva, and to those who forgot or who are too “busy” please take time to think of them.
  Thank you!

• If you got this far

  if you got this far it’s time to stop reading.

  Make 4 phone calls

  to 2 friends who are married and ask them if they have any names for you (and give them your parents numbers)

  one to dad and one to mom saying these are my priorities and this is what i want.

  I don’t care about……. but do care about ………

  IT’S MY LIFE AND MY WIFE …..

• we all want to know

  I have spoken with several of the neighborhood ‘shadchantas’ who each and every one of them said to me ‘I am not a real shadchan, I just do this stam’. There is one man that before he speaks with youwants a ‘deposit’ of $180. I have given him this deposit, and then he tell sme, ok, here is the list, who interests you?! I can download that very same list for free, and go to one of the non shadchans and get them to do the same thing without the $180 deposit!
  so, please make a list of who is and who is not a real shadchan in the neighborhhod! also, what is the accepted fee for completed services?

• we all want to know

  Pleae keep this article on top so more people can read and respond.

• been around the block

  The $180 shadchan has probably made more shidduchim than any other one shadchan in Lubavitch. He is always available by email and can usually get you information about anyone on the list. He has clout and can usually push his way in for you when the family might not listen to the suggestion from someone else. The $180 comes off the shadchanes fee that halacha dictates should be paid to anyone, including your bubby, that makes your shidduch. Ask him what his going rate is if a shidduch makes it to the chuppah. He will probably at least get you some dates and when other non-professional shadchanum fail to answer their phones, at least he will return an email in a couple of days or less. Because he is in 770 a lot he may know plenty of bochrim and he is related to half of Lubavitch so he knows plenty of people in general.

• Parents

  We also feel that this article should be kept on the opening page, please!

• Puste Yichus

  A.This is not a real letter to anyone it is just a article.
  When a neshama comes down to the world both parts of it come down they will find each other.= Zohar

  B.The eibishter has been making shidduchim since maaseh bereishis Yoshev umezaveg zivugim.

  Read this again and again
  Roshey teivos SHADCHAN sheker dover kesef notel.

  You must realize that just because Obama became president does not mean racism went away or will go away.

  Why is nobody addressing this part!!

  Gezhe will Marry Gezhe.(or Money)

  Money will Marry Money (or Gezhe)(or Koved Rabonim etc.)

  BTs will Marry BTs

  Ashkenazim will marry Ashkenazim.

  Sfardim will marry Sfradim.

  Yechi will marry Yechi.(even though i laugh that this is still a issue.)

  And as we know The FRENCH marry the FRENCH.:)

  His father was in jail, his cousin smokes weed, her sister got divorced… twice,wild family, eccentric family,crazy people, alchoholics,russians,criminals,thieves,corrupt shluchim,double standereds,beards,sheitlach,modern, farchnyuked,tichels,leather skirts,beer,chanina.

  People focus on all this garbage and this is who the lubavitch community is and will always be.

  Its not right or wrong its reality .

  Funny how nobody used the word“Crisis” till the financial crisis.
  THey will talk about AHAVAS Yisroel till they are blue in the face just try to offer a Gezhe family a good chassidishe smart Sfardi bocher it will crinkle their noses.

  Lubavitch used to be a very small Kehilla 1000 familys or so
  when everybody knew everybody it was much easier to make shidduchim.

  Now lubavitch is Huge very diverse and spread all over the world thats why its harder.

  Married freinds single freinds its all bubbeh mayses

  PARENTS MAKE IT HARD and SOCIAL STANDERDS MAKE IT HARD.

  lets do it like in williamsburg

  when 770 in the 80s had 10 chassanim a shabbos williamsburg had a 100.

  Zei gezunt

  hatzlacha to all.

  oh and btw the shadchan with the 180$ deposit should be shot cooked and eaten.

• a kallah

  Okay….a few things.

  First off, I honestly didn’t know Chabad had been so hit by the shidduch crisis…guess we’re too naive over here [B“H]. May all those looking find their bashert very soon.

  Second, there’s a new initiative that my [26yr-old, chareidi-not L] friend started. It’s called ”Shidduch in a box“ and basically how it’s meant to work is as follows: The couple orders a box of supplies from the ”Shidduch in a Box“, and they get a card with instructions, forms, pens, and two binders. One table gets set up on each side of the mechitza, and while the chatan and kallah are in the cheder yichud, single friends on either side can fill out the forms and put them in the binder. At the end of the night the couple goes home with a binder full of girls’ info, and one from the boys’ side. When they’re finished and have settled down, they can take a look at the information.

  The catch? That calling up parents/singles saying, ”I saw your profile from “Shidduch in a Box” and think you may be compatible with xyz,“ has to be accepted. If it’s not an accepted way to redt a shidduch, then all is for naught.

  Third, sometimes groups do mix. Ashkenazim marry Sfardim, Meshichist marry non, and BT will sometimes marry FFB. It DEPENDS.

  Fourth, after talking with a lot of my friends, I’ve come to realize that a lot of people simply expect to find a perfect spouse. Your spouse will be as perfect as you are. And for those who expect their parents to do all the research for them, or their friends to remember the suggestion: The Rebbe emphasized many times in his letters that someone looking for a shidduch must be active, and not sit with his arms folded. Give your friends a nudge, as hard as it may be. Branch out, make a joke about how you’re open to suggestions…answer the phone joking, ”Oh, you have a shidduch for me?“ once in a while. And don’t turn down a date because you expected someone completely different. (If I’d done that, I don’t think I’d be where I am now…)

  Lastly, yes, ”the system” has flaws- a girl dates on diets and covers herself with makeup…the morning after the wedding her husband doesn’t recognize her right away because she woke up sans makeup, and she no longer bothers avoiding jeanskirts and dieting. Stupid? You bet. Also- not wanting to go on shlichus is not a fault. Chassidish is something else, completely different.

  Okay, that’s all for now…