Weekly Letter: Practical Advice for Shalom Bayis
During the very difficult years of our slavery in Mitzrayim the Jewish people maintained their high standards of family life and purity – due in large part to the strength and self-sacrifice of the righteous Jewish women. And it is in their merit that we were redeemed from golus Mitzrayim and bh will be speedily redeemed from our present and final golus. We feature a letter this week concerning family life and the need to prioritize, as well as some practical advice for shalom bayis.
By the Grace of G-d
6 Teves, 5737
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Mrs.
Bronx, N.Y.
Blessing and Greeting:
I a in receipt of your letter in which you describe highlights of your family life.
I trust you will forgive me if I point out to you that in my opinion the priorities in your situation are not in the way you describe them. The first consideration in your case is that you have a son aged 18, that is, in the formative years of preparation for family life, etc., when the first duty of parents is to do al they can toward the realization of the blessing “to bring up their children to a life of Torah, chuppah and good deeds,” as the traditional expression goes. This should set the stage for all other aspects of the home.
Needless to say, this does not mean that the difficulties you describe are of no importance, or of minor importance; nevertheless, they do not affect the question of priority.
A further point comes from your mentioning the fact that you have been married for 29 years and despite the situation you describe, you yourself mention the fine qualities of your husband. I believe therefore that the seriousness with which you describe the difficulties is, partly at least, due to your being overly sensitive and the like, as witness the fact that you have been married for 29 years. No doubt this also increases the gap in the proper atmosphere required for your son’s benefit, as above, as also in your mutual relationship with your husband.
As to the question, how to deal with the difficulties in your mutual relationship, it is well known (indeed, it is found in the Torah) that generally the way to go about it is form the simple to the complex, by simple steps. There is the well-known adage of our Sages, “A person should always be as soft (flexible) as a reed and not as hard as a cedar.” This has been said even in a case where there is reason to be hard as a cedar, yet the rule is otherwise.
I believe, therefore, that if you will talk things through with your husband in a pleasant manner, without demanding major changes in his ways – and no doubt he has some reservations about your attitude – and with good will on both sides to begin with minor adjustments, in order to foster the right atmosphere for your son in terms of “Torah, chuppah and good deeds” as mentioned above, it will be a good beginning for a steady improvement in the relationship until it is fully mended.
It is surely unnecessary to emphasize that the more goodwill each of you will put into the situation and the less either of you will stand on pride and the like, as to who should make the first step and who is right, etc., the sooner you will achieve the desired result.
A further general remark which applies in all situations: all blessings come form G-d; therefore every additional effort to live up to Hs will, is bound to bring forth additional Divine blessings. And there is always room for improvement in all matters of goodness and holiness, Torah and mitzvos, which are infinite, being derived from the Infinite.
This point is even more significant in the case of yourself and your husband for, as I see form your letter, you have opportunities to set an example for others, so that every advancement in your family life is likely to be reflected and multiplied in others and the benefit of the many will additionally stand you and yours in good stead.
It is customary in similar situations to have the mezuzos of the home checked, as well as the tefillin of the menfolk of the household.
If you will let me know the full Hebrew names of yourself, your husband and son, together with the mother’s Hebrew name in each case, I will remember you all in prayer, as requested.
With blessing,
P.S. In view of the fact that what has been said above equally concerns you and your husband and since you mentioned in your letter that you showed it to your husband, I take the liberty of sending a copy of this letter to your husband.
