“I’m Trying, I Really Am”: A Child’s Journey With Learning & Feeling Small

by: Chana Kaiman, LCSW-RPT. Education & School Relations Lead at the Bereishis Foundation

Everyone thinks I’m just… not trying.
At least, that’s what it feels like.

When the teacher writes the words on the board, they look like puzzle pieces scattered everywhere. Some kids snap them together so fast, like the pieces just jump into their hands. Mine don’t. They’re slippery. They fall. They never fit.

So I stare… and pretend.
Because pretending is easier than feeling lost.

When Your Brain Shouts: “You’re Not Good Enough”

I know I’m not stupid. I just… feel that way.
My mind is loud, telling me that everyone else is better.
It feels like I’m always running, but the finish line keeps moving away.

Sometimes I wonder:
Why try if I’ll just get it wrong?

That’s the voice inside—the one that says I’m small.
Grown-ups call it “low self-concept.”
I call it the heavy backpack I can’t take off.

It makes learning hard. REALLY hard.
It makes having friends hard too.

When I sit in class, my stomach hurts—not from food, but from worry.
Grown-ups would say my body is in “defense mode.”
I don’t know that word, but I know what it feels like:
Tight. Dizzy. Fast heart.
Like I’m in danger… even when no danger is there.

When My Body Tries to Protect Me

When the teacher says, “Pay attention,” I want to say:
“I’m trying! My brain just feels like a shaking snow globe.”

But kids don’t talk like that.
So I stay quiet… hoping no one notices.

Where Play Makes My World Feel Safe

Then I met someone, a Play Therapist, who didn’t ask me to “just try harder.”
Someone who let me play.

I love to go to the place that is filled with toys. I feel there is never enough time to play. In play therapy we use games, Legos, mentchies, crayons and stories, instead of just words.

In play, my worries can poke their heads out safely.
I get to be the superhero who is strong AND scared.
I can build a tower and knock it down and build it again—
and no one says I’m wrong.

The therapist helps me see the superpowers I forgot I had—
courage, creativity, and the ability to belong.

She teaches me that mistakes don’t make me bad.
They help me learn.

Sometimes she pretends to be the one who doesn’t get it, and I teach her.
That’s when I start to feel smart again.

The Torah Says I Matter

My mommy once told me that every Jew has a spark of Hashem inside—
a tiny forever-light that never goes out.

Even when I feel dumb.
Even when my Kriah partner reads faster.
Even when I’m the last to finish.

Hashem made me ON PURPOSE.
Not as a mistake.
Not “less than.”
But because the world needs me.

The Torah teaches:

“Chanoch l’na’ar al pi darko — Teach a child according to his way.”
Which means: teach ME the way I learn.

I wish everyone knew that my way might be slower…
but it’s still a way.

And maybe Hashem gave me struggles so I can learn bravery.
So I can notice kids who struggle too.
So I can help someone else feel less alone.

When People Believe In Me, I Grow

In play therapy, the grown-ups don’t fix me—they SEE me.
They remind me that I matter, that I belong, and that I’m capable.

Dr. Kottman teaches about the Four Basic Needs:

– I belong

– I am capable

– I am significant

– I can handle challenges

When a kid doesn’t feel these, learning feels scary.

But when someone leans down, looks in my eyes, and says,
“I believe in you,”
something happens.

My heart slows down.
My brain starts working again.
My hands feel steady.

Professionals would say my nervous system is safe.
I just say:
“It feels good.”

Helping My Brain Learn: Step by Step

Dr. Bruce Perry says brains grow from the bottom up.
First safety, then connection, then thinking.

So before math problems or spelling tests, I need:

– A calm voice

– A smile

– Someone who listens

– A place I belong

Then I can learn.
Then I can try.
Then I can shine.

I’m More Than My Grades

I’m funny.
I’m kind.
I love animals.
I say “thank you” even when I’m sad.

And Hashem loves me because I’m His child,
not because I read fast or get 100s.

I’m learning to love myself too.

Some days I still feel small.
But every time someone cares, or plays, or teaches me my way—
my spark gets brighter.

It’s slow.
But it’s happening.

And maybe one day…
I’ll look in the mirror and see what others see:
A kid who’s not broken—
just becoming.

Message to Grown-Ups

Kids like me don’t need you to fix us.
We need you to:

– Believe in us

– Play with us

– Calm our bodies

– Teach our way

– Show us Torah love

Because when we feel safe, connected, and valued—
our brains open up like flowers in the sun.

And we learn.

Practical Applications for Adults

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or therapist,
here is how you can help kids like me learn and grow:

1. Prioritize Safety Before Skill

A regulated child learns better.

Use calm, gentle tone
Offer predictable routines
Pause before correcting
Give time for transitions

2. Build Relationship First

Connection activates the thinking brain.

Make eye contact at the child’s level
Spend brief moments in playful presence
Show curiosity about their interests

Even two minutes of genuine connection can shift everything.

3. Use Play to Build Skills

Let the child lead play
Role-play problem solving
Use creative activities (art, stories, sand) to explore feelings
Celebrate effort and risk-taking

Play helps children practice courage in low-stakes ways.

4. Reframe Challenges

Instead of:
“Why aren’t you paying attention?”
Try:
“What does your body need to feel safe right now?”

Instead of:
“You’re not trying.”
Try:
“I see how hard you’re working.”

Language changes self-concept.

5. Teach Torah-Based Self-Worth

Remind the child that they are created b’Tzelem Elokim
Praise character more than performance
Share stories of Torah figures who overcame challenges

Identity becomes a source of strength.

6. Promote Capability

Offer tasks just challenging enough to build confidence.

Break tasks into smaller steps
Celebrate progress, not perfection
Ask: “How did you do that?” to reinforce learning

Confidence grows from experiences of success.

7. When to Seek Professional Support

Consider reaching out for guidance if you notice:

Persistent low self-esteem
Frequent emotional overwhelm
School refusal or intense avoidance
Nightly tantrums around homework
Self-critical statements (“I’m dumb,” “I’ll never get it”)

8. Using Play Purposefully

Play is the child’s natural language.

Try one of these strategies this week:

Let child lead a 10-minute play session
Role-play challenges (school, peer issues)
Use drawing to express feelings
Tell stories where the child’s character overcomes difficulty
Use puppets or figures to explore problem-solving

9. Language Shifts

Replace these statements…

Instead of…	Try saying…
“You’re not trying.”	“I see how hard you’re working.”
“Stop worrying.”	“I’m here. You’re safe.”
“Why can’t you do this?”	“How can I help make this easier?”
“That’s wrong.”	“Let’s try another way.”
“Hurry up!”	“Take your time; I’m with you.”

Consider one statement you want to use more often.

10. Words shape identity

Shift from:

Judgment → Curiosity
Criticism → Encouragement

Examples:

“You never finish anything!” →
→ “What would help you keep going?”
“Why are you so stressed?” →
→ “I see this feels big; I’m here with you.”

Core Truth

Your love and presence are more powerful than perfection.
A connected adult — not a flawless one — is what helps a child thrive.

When your child feels safe, valued, and seen, their abilities unfold naturally, at their pace.

About the Author

Chana Kaiman, LCSW-RPT, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist specializing in child, adolescent, and family therapy.

Chana has advanced training in Child Centered Play, Filial Family Play, Adlerian play therapy, trauma-informed care, and neuroscience-based interventions, integrating evidenced-based practice with a deeply Torah-rooted approach to emotional wellness.

Chana is the Clinical Director of her private practice, where she supports children struggling with anxiety, learning challenges, behavioral concerns, trauma, and low self-concept. She is known for creating a warm, relational space in which safety, curiosity, play, and connection open the doors to healing.

In addition to clinical work, Chana provides professional consultation, parent education, and community workshops that weave together contemporary mental health practice with Chassidus-based perspectives on the inner world of the child.

Chana resides in New York and can be contacted via email at ChanaKaiman@gmail.com or by phone at 740-673-0440.