Supporting Teens Through Mood Swings and Growing Independence

by Chana Kaiman, LCSW, Education and School Relations Lead, The Bereishis Foundation

It’s a familiar scene in many homes. The curfew has passed and the house is quiet, except for the sound of a parent checking the clock again. When the door finally opens, the teen walks in with a tired shrug and a short answer. Or it’s a school morning and your teenager is running late, moving slowly, brushing off reminders with irritation. You know this isn’t really about the clock, but in the moment, it feels personal.

For parents and caregivers, these moments can stir up worry, frustration, and even helplessness. For teenagers, they are often carrying emotions they don’t yet know how to name. Adolescence is a time when feelings intensify faster than language develops. Teens may want independence while still needing structure, closeness, and reassurance. When those needs collide, what comes out can sound like attitude, silence, or defiance.

Home is usually where teens feel safest letting that guard down. It’s where emotions spill out because they trust, often unconsciously, that the relationship can hold it.

What’s Really Happening Beneath the Surface

From an Adlerian perspective, teenagers are deeply motivated by a need to belong and to feel capable and respected. When they feel misunderstood or overly controlled, they may pull away or push back as a way of asserting themselves. This is not about rejecting parents, but about trying to find their place as emerging adults. Alfred Adler believed that behavior is communication, even when it comes out clumsily.

Internal Family Systems offers another helpful frame. Teens, like adults, have different parts inside them. A sharp response or closed-off attitude is often a protective part stepping in quickly. Beneath it may be a more vulnerable part that feels embarrassed, overwhelmed, unsure, or afraid of disappointing the people they love. When parents respond only to what they see on the surface, the deeper story remains hidden.

A Torah and Chassidic Lens

Torah wisdom teaches us that inner struggle is not a failure, it is part of becoming. Chassidic thought speaks about inner movement happening beneath the surface, long before it becomes visible. The Baal Shem Tov taught that every descent is for the sake of an ascent. Emotional turbulence in adolescence can be understood as part of that inner work.

Pirkei Avos reminds us not to judge another person until we stand in their place. For parents, this doesn’t mean giving up on boundaries. It means holding a wider perspective, remembering that your teen is navigating changes in identity, responsibility, and emotional awareness all at once.

Holding Space in Everyday Moments

Holding space does not mean ignoring rules or lowering expectations. It means choosing connection before correction whenever possible.

When a teen comes home late, it can sound like, “I was worried when you weren’t home yet. Are you okay?” before moving into a conversation about curfew.
When a teen is running late for school, it might sound like, “Mornings seem really hard lately. Let’s talk about what’s making them feel that way,” instead of leading with criticism.

These responses don’t remove structure. They lower defenses so that structure can actually be heard.

Chassidic teachings emphasize moach shalit al halev, the mind guiding the heart. A parent’s calm presence helps regulate the emotional tone of the moment. When parents slow down, breathe, and respond with steadiness, they model the very emotional skills they want their teen to develop.

Boundaries with Warmth

Holding space also includes protecting dignity, yours and theirs. Torah values kavod habriyos, human dignity. It is possible to say, “I want to hear you, and I won’t accept being spoken to disrespectfully,” without shaming or escalating. Warm, clear boundaries teach teens that relationships can hold limits and care at the same time.

Often, teens process best after the moment has passed. Conversations may go better during a walk, a drive, or a quiet moment at night. Letting your teen know the door is open builds trust, even if they don’t walk through it right away.

Takeaways for Parents and Caregivers

Teen mood swings are often expressions of feelings that don’t yet have words.
Behavior is communication, not the full picture of who your teen is.
Calm presence builds safety and trust over time.
Torah reminds us that inner confusion can be part of sacred growth.
Boundaries and empathy work best when they travel together.

Holding Steady While They Find Their Footing

Parenting a teenager often means sitting with discomfort, yours and theirs. It means allowing pauses in conversation, tolerating unanswered questions, and trusting that not everything needs to be resolved in one moment. Teens are learning how to live inside strong emotions before they know how to talk about them. When parents stay steady through lateness, silence, and emotional shifts, they become an anchor during a time of internal change.

Holding space is not about doing it perfectly. It is about showing up again and again with presence and care. Over time, those repeated moments of concern without accusation and limits held with warmth teach teens something essential, that they are not alone while they figure themselves out.

Long after the curfews are forgotten and the mornings grow quieter, what remains is the memory of a home that could hold them, even when words were hard to find.

About the Author

Chana Kaiman, LCSW-RPT, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play

Therapist specializing in child, adolescent, and family therapy. Chana has advanced training in Child-Centered Play Therapy, Filial Play, Adlerian play therapy, Trauma-informed care, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Her clinical work integrates neuroscience and somatics with a deeply Torah-rooted approach to emotional wellness.

Chana is the Education and School Relations Lead at the Bereishis Foundation, where she develops educator training and parent programming that weave contemporary mental health practices with Chinuch-based perspectives on the inner world of the child.

Her private practice in Brooklyn supports children struggling with anxiety, learning challenges trauma, behavioral concerns, and low self-esteem. Known for creating a warm, relational space grounded in safety and curiosity, Chana helps children befriend their inner parts and grow into confident leaders of their emotional world.

At Bereishis, we are bringing this work into schools and communities. If you believe in this mission and want to empower more children, we invite you to get involved and partner with us for educator coaching, parent workshops, and child-centered Torah-based resources.

Chana can be reached at: chana@bereishisfoundation.org

To support the work of the Bereishis Foundation, or to bring this approach to your school or community, please visit https://www.bereishisfoundation.org/