Translated From COL.org.il

I am a former matchmaker, and I have recently quit the field, and am moving on to a new profession. The reason for which I have quit my job, is because of troubles that I have been experiencing with the parents of my clients.

I wanted to bring to people's attention, a issue which troubles many, the issue of “Shadchonus” – matchmaking. Many parents are struggling in finding a suitable match for their sons and mainly, their daughters. This is not the place to detail all the causes which have brought upon these difficulties, but the following words may cast more light on the issue

I am a former matchmaker. The reason why I have quit this ever-important field is connected with many of you, the parents. Many of these incidents [which have caused me to stop working] should not strike you by surprise, as they have happened with you. So please take this to your attention

We will first begin [discussing] the perspective of I, the matchmaker. I am here in order to help you with one of the uttermost crucial and essential tasks of your lives. Since this is such an important task, then why do people wait and expect me to chase them? Why do I have to wait an entire week in order to receive an answer or update? Why don't people call and tell me how the date went; was it successful or not? Is it proper that I should be left in the dark?

Reflections of a Former Matchmaker

Translated From COL.org.il

I am a former matchmaker, and I have recently quit the field, and am moving on to a new profession. The reason for which I have quit my job, is because of troubles that I have been experiencing with the parents of my clients.

I wanted to bring to people’s attention, a issue which troubles many, the issue of “Shadchonus” – matchmaking. Many parents are struggling in finding a suitable match for their sons and mainly, their daughters. This is not the place to detail all the causes which have brought upon these difficulties, but the following words may cast more light on the issue

I am a former matchmaker. The reason why I have quit this ever-important field is connected with many of you, the parents. Many of these incidents [which have caused me to stop working] should not strike you by surprise, as they have happened with you. So please take this to your attention

We will first begin [discussing] the perspective of I, the matchmaker. I am here in order to help you with one of the uttermost crucial and essential tasks of your lives. Since this is such an important task, then why do people wait and expect me to chase them? Why do I have to wait an entire week in order to receive an answer or update? Why don’t people call and tell me how the date went; was it successful or not? Is it proper that I should be left in the dark?

Another problem is the lack of proper decision making. If someone has agreed to a certain date, then it is not proper and right of him to suddenly cancel. All the background checks and research should be performed before the making a decision. When one cancels a date, the other party, as well as the matchmaker are placed in a very uncomfortable position, to say the least. Would you be comfortable being treated in this fashion?

To all those who want to marry off their boys, I know that there are many matchmakers currently running to your doors, with many names of prospective girls. Every prospective Jewish girl should be presented in a respectable manner, so it is rather disturbing to hear from families: “my matchmaker came to my door with so many names, that I didn’t have enough energy to fill out the card” is this how you would want to present your daughter?

And to all the parents who are looking for a match for their children; but not a suitable match, rather one that occurs in their fantasies: is their a reason to call your child a “Chassidishe Bochur”, even as his prospective girl arrives, and is greeted by [someone who has] a trimmed beard? This is a waste of the girl’s time, as well as for the boy, the family and the matchmaker. Before entering the search for a Shidduch, one should honestly examine the character and lifestyle of his children; deciding which people would be suitable for them, and which people would be a waste of time.

And in the case when several matchmakers are involved in the same Shidduch; is it proper to push some of them [matchmakers] aside? One should ask a rav if this is permitted; i.e. to push aside a matchmaker, when another has entered the picture. Some matchmakers are simply too shy to demand what they are entitled to. There are incidents when the matchmaker proposes a successful match, and the family then decides to continue with this match, but deal with another matchmaker. All this, while leaving the first matchmaker (who initially suggested the successful match) unpaid, offending the matchmaker.

“We get paid” – yeah right! Did you know that there are families which simply refuse to pay, in spite of all the many times in which the Rebbe had stressed an added importance and priority to this issue? They find themselves various excuses such as “we don’t have” or “you didn’t do anything” these are only a small selection of the various excuses, of which I have heard to date.

I am hoping that people will investigate and examine this issue, for the benefit of the general public. And maybe, as a result of these statements, a change will result in the attitude of people towards the above, and more people will be interested to deal with this, again, for the benefit of the public

Respectfully,
A matchmaker until last week.

13 Comments

  • Hallo

    OK, although this letter states many true aspects of Being a shadchan, The way it was written is just not done in a proper fashion, I think he should rewrite it, in a way that he wont sound like a childish person….again- he braught out good points, but oh so awefully did it.

  • MEE

    OK Hallo, I suggest you re-write your comments usin a spell checker and a grammar checker. You also make good points, but your comments are unreadable.

    The point is that you homed in on the writer’s style and ignored the content.

    Did you like being humiliated by somebody criticizing your spelling and grammar? I’m sure you didn’t. So maybe you will think twice next time.

    The writer makes some very important points about our community. Unfortunately the arrogance of the parents is just one of the reasons why so many of our children are going "off the derech", dating and making their own "shidduchim"

    This article should be taken seriously. Maybe English isn’t this writer’s first language, but he writes from the heart and is obviously a sincere, chassidishe mentch

  • sr41

    to me this shadchan sounds like she is burnt out and should not be involved in this field any longer. I wouldn’t want someone with such a sour attitude matching up my children.

    Today, people struggle in every business, nothing comes easy. You’ll always have those that just won’t pay… You gotta be on top of the sit. "If you snooze you looze!"

    I don’t mean to say that the parents are right, on the contrary I agree with the shadchan with every point she mentioned, but to be grumpy with such a sour attitude wont get you anywhere, no matter what business you’re in.

    Good luck in your new career.

  • been there, done that

    The mazal of the couples marriage depends on the shadchan being happy with what he/she receives as shadchanus. There are many stories whereas there are assorted problems and many times the response has been…’was the shadchan satisfied?’

  • MFH

    the points are also very childish. this kinda reminds me of the TWU’s arguments when the strike was happening.

    about the english of the article, it seems that the author (or translator) was trying to keep the original flow of the hebrew. understand that hebrew and english are two very different languages.

  • looking for the next kid

    very interesting! having just (B"H) successfully "engaged off" my child, I have to agree with the Shadchan’s comments. Many parents ARE unrealistic….blatantly untznius girls who "hang out", dye their hair, & wear 2 earrings in each ear, while they may daven regularly ("they are so careful about Chitas" is my personal favorite!) are NOT chassidishe. Don’t pretend!

    I give Shadchonos @ the L’chaim. It’s a segulah for children. don’t be cheap…these people definitely earn their $$$. They have to put up with so much garbage from nervous, pushy parents.

    When my child went out I called the Shadchan IMMEDIATELY, unless it was very late. Then I called @ 9 am the next day.

    One thing is important…parents must disclose things. The Shadchan needs to know if Chaimke is a high-school dropout or Rochele is into $$$. Parents have the right to reject crazies, or Moshichists/non-Moshichists, or Russians, or from divorced homes, or whatever. Until our child found "the right one", we went through a lot of possibilities.

    Simchos for all!

  • anon

    ""blatantly untznius girls who "hang out", dye their hair, & wear 2 earrings in each ear, while they may daven regularly ("they are so careful about Chitas" is my personal favorite!) are NOT chassidishe""

    While I’m sure you’d agree that girls who dress the way everyone will approve of but do not daven, learn, give tzdakah, have yita’as shomayim are quite chassidish. A far cry from ‘pnimiyus’, no?

  • MFH

    anon, i don’t see the connection to the topic. please explain.

    i also don’t think that the work of a shadchan should be that of a informant, but rather someone who tries to make matches by bringing out someone’s qualities. not singling others out due to their faults!

  • Helping Not Complaining!

    All I see there is people complaining!

    I Personally think that the shidduch system needs major upgrading! There needs to be a central org that people get matched by persoanlity, through filling out a profile both the parents and the child! then the computer can find a match that fits both! the shadchunim now adays DONT CARE, They just randomly give names that cause cancelations and many problems! frumster.com or eharmony.com but done in a discreet way and catering specifally to Chabad, Also you will need to give a credit card with 500$ that gets deducted if the shidduch goes through! I hope to see this live in the next year of so.. what do you think it should be called? ChabadShiduchSystem.com ? Remember it will be supervised by a commette that is agreed by all!

  • Moshe

    A new site has been developed creating a database of all Chabad singles called http://www.chabadmatch.com. Only approved Shadchanim have access to the site. This site can revolutionize the issues discussed. For those Shadchanim interested in participating in this venture please contact me at info@chabadmatch.com