Posted to Chabad News on
by Menachem S.

Op-Ed: Those Eyes

I’ve noticed you’re giving me Those Eyes lately. I know Those Eyes well.

They say: “You have everything. You wouldn’t know a problem if it slapped you in the face.”

It used to kill me to look back at Those Eyes. Baruch Hashem, I finally have the courage to confront them.

See, I’m that serious masmid in yeshiva. You know, that bochur who asks the brilliant questions  and is constantly being praised by the Rosh Yeshiva and Mashpia.

I’m the kid whose father is that big G’vir who supports half of all the institutions you’ve ever heard of- singlehandedly.

I’m that bochur who- when finally coaxed by his buddies to play basketball- is the athletic and aggressive one who shoots every hoop from those crazy positions and always scores.

I’m also that guy… in therapy.  For Anorexia.

I kid you not.

Did you know that  right now 10 million Americans are anorexic or suffering from similar disorders?

And that anorexia isn’t all about ‘skinny’ girls?

Out of the 10 million, 1 million are males. In other words, out of every 10 people suffering from anorexia, 1 is most likely to be a guy.

Google it. There’s plenty else I’m sure you didn’t know about this…

When I was 16, a roommate of mine told me that he can do thirty push-ups. When I didn’t seem to care, he got down on the floor and did the thirty, straight.

That was the first time I can remember ever taking an interest in exercise.

Back to you with Those Eyes…

Every Chavrusa I have ever had after the age of bar mitzvah has in some way commented, complimented, criticized, rolled his eyes, or otherwise teased me for my iron-will, my discipline, my competitiveness or my drive for perfection.

But you with Those Eyes, let me please tell you:  That midah- or any midah in an extreme form- is not all it’s cracked up to be.

After that incident with my roommate, I was embarrassed that I could only do about 15 perfect push-ups.

So from the following morning and onward, I would wake up early to practice working my muscles and get physically stronger.

‘Early’ meant an hour before any other bochur got up to learn- I didn’t want to risk someone finding out what I was up to.

That hour quickly became two.

By the time I was 18, I was surviving on five hours of sleep a night, doing 200 push-ups, and over 1000 crunches and sit-ups, straight. I now know that those are insane numbers that no one should ever feel a need to reach. But it was never enough for me. I used my iron will to take control over my body. I thought I was working on ‘moach shalit al halev’ or ‘pushing past my boundries’  like a chassidim  should…

I became obsessed with having the perfect six pack, biceps, and triceps…

It was only when my body started shutting down from exhaustion and lack of nutrients  that my Rosh Yeshiva called up my father, telling him that something seemed wrong about me. (I skipped the eating part in this article- it came after the exercise, but like the exercise, spiraled down and out of control in record time).

I’m now in the recovery process. It’s really, really hard to stop working out and start eating normal meals when a person reaches the state I’m in. I’m lucky that I don’t have to leave yeshiva for months.

My father’s money that makes you envious is currently being used to pay for therapy…

The self-confidence and charisma that I seem to always exude is nothing but a facade to mask inner turmoil….

These muscles have caused me agony, and are the product of a disease…

And I have caused tremendous heartache to those closest to me, who know what I’m going through.

I’ve come a long, long way in the past few years. There’s been many bumps in the road. The grass ain’t always greener on the other side.

There’s a whole lot more I want to say but won’t because now is not the time, and here is not the place.

But please, you with Those Eyes, please, please remember:

My life is not perfect.

No one’s is.

So please don’t give me Those Eyes.

Related Articles

31 Comments

  • tired

    What’s this guy’s point? Trying to understand what the message it and why is it published here?

  • Never judge

    So sad… even when you think u know all the problems in the world, someone else may be plagued with another one…
    I used to b the girl with “Those Eyes” until my friend who I thought had it all’s father died…

  • take a moment to read

    Your a big bal gavah and seem selfish the way you talk and refer to yourself as better then everyone else and untoucheblable but really your weak ur a slave to everyone by ur actions and ur starving urself u have a addictive nature which u have to work on ur parents may have been to tough on u as a kid idk what ir trying to prove by acting the way u did then coming here and telling everyone about it most pple with money dont go around telling everyone those that do probably come from a stuck up family chassidus teaches us that the first thing to do is be humble thats how you let hashem in ur life.. I wish u luck kid seems u need it… kosher and freilechen pesach!

    • thats what he is trying to work on!

      “Your a big bal gavah and seem selfish the way you talk and refer to yourself as better then everyone else and untoucheblable but really your weak ur a slave to everyone by ur actions and ur starving urself”

  • yasher koach

    The first three comments were written by teenagers. Don’t be discouraged by their nastiness. As an adult, I can tell you that you have exhibited great bravery for dealing with your issues. G-d bless you for taking responsibility for your recovery. And to you critics, may Hashem have real mercy on you and may nobody every treat you with the ignorance and insensitivity that you have shown in these comments.

  • ...

    I have a friend who might be developing anorexia. Shes more on the closed up side so I don’t know for sure.

  • Ruth

    When I was a kid, if I ever said something to my grandmother like, “I wish I had pretty hair like Rachel,” or “Debbie is so lucky, her parents have a lot of money,” would tell me, “You can’t see what G-d sees. All those people that you think have it so good? They may have problems you’ll never know about. Believe me, if you could live other people’s lives even for just a few minutes, you’d ask for your own problems back.”

    Like so many other things she said, I didn’t understand how right she was until I was much older. Always be kind, always be compassionate. You never know what pain people are hiding.

    I hope the young man who wrote this article recovers completely from his illness.

  • Wishing you much hatzlacha

    I must say I am inspired by your words. It must have taken a great deal of courage to analyze yourself and share it with the world. Do not be swayed by those who do not understand what you have written or by those who continue to judge you. Your writing may benefit another and just for that, it is well worth it. Eating disorders are still taboo in our “society” much like other illnesses. Hence, many are small minded as they either have little knowledge or are in denial. Don’t take their prattle to heart. And those eyes. Those eyes will always be there. They belong to those that don’t understand or are wrapped in their own pain to empathize and sometimes judge easily. Those eyes are always around, in ever community and in every stage of life. It takes wisdom and emunah to pay them no attention. You are on the right path and I wish you much hatzlacha in your recovery and future.

  • Anonymous

    very well written!
    to #1 and all others who had to be pessimistic, if u dont understand maybe u will when ur older…. and u probably are the person he’s referring to.

  • Sounds fishy

    “real” buchorim don’t right like this persin and they dont wake up anhour early so theyr is somethin fishy about this artacle because buchorim dont right this way

    • Spell Check

      So I guess you consider yourself a “real bochur,” just considering my 2 year old nephew can spell better, and be more gramatically correct, than you ever can.

  • lk

    thank you for sharing i think its great to shed some light on this it must have taken so much courage for you to writer this
    and to those who wrote rude comments no nothing about this

  • I completely agree with the author:

    “You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. So stop judging.”

  • Frum Ed

    Thank you very much for the article. I am a frum girl in recovery from an eating disorder, Don’t listen to the nasty commenters.

    Stay strong and thank you for your post.

  • well writen

    thank you for bringing this subject to the public. yes please don’t judge another if your not in there shoes.
    we have to have a kind and friendly attitude to everyone. especialy to the ones who seem like they need it less.

  • I agree with "Sounds fishy"

    This article is way too girly themed for a bochur to discuss, much less write and submit. It simply sounds far too feminine. As to motive, my guess is that a lass with an eating disorder attempted to expand the issue to all genders by writing as a lad would in her imagination which is disconnected from reality. In short, the article is fiction in detail and deceptive in substance while presented with little form in message. Fishy indeed, like mock gefilte fish.

  • excellent article

    menachem- dont underestimate urself, u sound like a great guy kol hakabvod!

  • Mask

    Pl call MASK for ALL mental health referrals 718-758-0400. 10a.m. – 10 p.m.

  • to #25

    your clearly naive and have no knowledge im not trying to bash you rather you should educate yourself
    before you talk.

  • alot of peopl are worse off than you

    good on you for writing this article and for working on beating your anorexia.
    BUT please be aware that there are ALOT of people worse off than you. alot of people have anorexia and dont have money to pay for therapy. alot of people have anorexia and come from a divorced family with no money to pay for therapy. alot of people come from a family where their father has passed away and there mother doesnt have enough money to put food on the table, let alone pay for therapy.
    there are ALOT ALOT of people worse off than you, so please keep that in mind.
    best of luck

  • Give up

    When you have such serious issues, don’t just write about it, but instead, DO SOMETHING about it. I am not talking about ending life or something so drastic, but doing something like using meds or escaping with chemicals (prescribed or otherwise) or joining a group, guru or cult. Heck, you do whatever it takes. Some just give up, stay in depression and quit on life – it may work for them, but not for most of us. One thing is sure, writing an article does NOT help!