Prevention101: How Can I Manage Intense Emotions Without Resorting to Emotional Numbness as My Coping Mechanism?
Series on Trauma: Episode 4 – Parenting in a Post-October 7th World. The series addresses questions regarding trauma following the massacre of October 7th and the surge of global anti-Semitism.
How can I manage intense emotions without resorting to emotional numbness as my coping mechanism?
Life is not what happens to us, but rather how we deal with it. You are now dealing with those strong emotions by shutting down, and that is one way to deal with it. However, we need to consider if it is the best way to deal with it. It’s probably affecting other aspects of your life and your ability to feel and to express love, care, and understanding. You don’t want to do that because usually when one becomes numb and disconnects and shuts off, it’s not compartmentalized to only one particular area.
Shutting off is a defense mechanism, and it’s a legitimate defense mechanism, but not necessarily the best and most functional and adaptive defense mechanism to help the person in other aspects of their relationships or connecting to the world. Here is an example from Rav Dr. Avraham Twerski, a well-known psychiatrist and educator, who relates the following story about a lobster.
The lobster begins its life as a soft, vulnerable creature with a delicate shell. As it grows, this shell becomes confined, hindering further development. So, what does the lobster do? The lobster goes under a rock, under the sea in an area that is safe, gets rid of its outer shell, and grows a new, bigger shell. Emerging anew, it continues to expand until once again, it outgrows its shell and feels constrained. Feeling discomfort, the lobster goes back under that rock in the ocean, sheds its old shell, and emerges with a fresh one. In a continual cycle of growth and renewal.
It is that discomfort that is the stimulus for the lobster to grow. If every time the lobster felt discomfort it went to its doctor and got a pill or started using a drug or felt numb and disconnected from the world, that lobster would never have any stimulus to grow because it would never go under that rock and develop a new shell. Discomfort and being uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s all about what we do with it.
If a person is numbing themselves to avoid feeling discomfort, they will never grow because they will always take that medication, get rid of the discomfort, and remain the same tiny, little lobster. We want to grow in life. That is a value that we think is positive. It makes us human. It makes us special, and it’s what elevates us above animals.
We don’t want to run away from discomfort because that does not enable us to become better people and to grow. Use discomfort for positivity – to become a better person and to contribute more to society.
