The Weekly Sedra – Vayeitzei – Ladies First

A cow once stumbled upon a wounded bird lying on the ground in pain and discomfort. Doing what cows do best, the bird was left covered in a heap of manure. Suddenly she felt warm and cozy. So happy was the bird with her newfound comfort, she began to sing.

Drawn by the sweet sounds, a farmer working in a nearby field made his way to the singing bird. The farmer was dismayed to find the poor bird lying on the ground submerged in dung.

The farmer immediately removed the bird from her wretched surroundings. Painstakingly he cleaned the bird and carefully placed her down. To his great surprise the little bird would no longer sing, in fact, she was noticeably withdrawn.

Realizing that he had upset the bird by removing her from her comfortable and cozy surroundings, the kind farmer looked at the bird and said: “Little bird, little bird, let me teach you some very important lessons in life:

First of all: Not everyone that makes you feel comfortable is necessarily your friend. Secondly: Not everyone that makes you feel uncomfortable is necessarily your enemy. Finally, Dear Birdie: When you are wallowing in manure, it is not the time to sing.”

An important step towards maturity and wisdom is the awareness that things, in our perplexing world, are not always the way they appear to be. Indeed, the converse is quite often the truth. As is often the case, this important lesson is found hidden in a seeming insignificant nuance in our Parsha’s narrative.

After more than twenty years of strenuous toil in the house of Laban, Yaakov opted out. He was a faithful son-in-law who had married Laban’s daughters in exchange for years of hard labor. Tending to Laban’s sheep day and night with loving care, he increased Laban’s livestock and bottom line manifold.

Still, his conniving father-in-law; huckster that he was, could not bring himself to treat his own flesh and blood reasonably. Instead, Laban repaid Yaakov’s interminable effort and devotion by cheating him at every turn and point.

Yaakov finally had enough. The moment for him to move on had at last arrived. It was time to do for himself, his family, and most of all, to begin his spiritual mission of laying the roots for the Jewish nation.

Fearing that Laban would never let him leave, Yaakov sneaks out of Laban’s house with his wives, children and flocks like a thief in the dark of night. But hardly had he advanced from Charan when Laban, in hot pursuit, catches up with him.

“Why have you fled secretly, without notifying me?” demands the old charlatan. “Had you told me you wanted to leave I would have sent you off in royal fashion, with joy, song and music!” (Right.)

Basing himself on the verse: “And Yaakov arose and lifted his sons and his wives onto the camels and led-off all the livestock and possessions that he acquired in Padan-Aram. . .” (31:17), Rashi asserts: “He [Yaakov] put the males before the females, but Esav put the females before the males, as the verse states: ‘Esav took his wives and his sons, etc.’” (Genesis 36:6).

The Lubavitcher Rebbe notes that Yaakov was certainly in the habit of affording his wives their deserved respect and honor. Judaism, after all, demands that a man honor his wife more than his own self, let alone the children – who are themselves obligated to honor their parents. Yaakov, accordingly, was surely accustomed to paying proper deference to his wives.

When the reader comes across our narrative he is hence perturbed by Yaakov’s conduct. Why did Yaakov deviate from his normal practice of honoring his wives? Why are the children placed before the wives – an act which appears out of character and disrespectful towards them?

Says the Rebbe, this difficulty is precisely what Rashi intends to address. Rashi calls attention to this issue in anticipation of the obvious perplexity. But how does Rashi help? Rashi’s comment that Yaakov gave preference to the males, appears to only add to the perplexity.

Rashi, suggests the Rebbe, is of the mind that our particular case is a rare exception to the way Yaakov behaved toward his wives. Here, Yaakov acted out of character because it was a unique circumstance.

What makes this circumstance unique, says the Rebbe, is the fact that the journey from Charan back to Canaan marked a distinctive transformation in the evolution of the Jewish people. It paved the way for his twelve sons to emerge as the “twelve tribes” of Israel. This in turn served as the foundation of the Jewish nation for all of time. Therefore, on this occasion, giving more attention to the sons was warranted.

But what about Esav?

At first glance, when reading that Esav gave preference to his wives by mounting them before his children, one gets the impression that he was a true gentleman; a real mentch who acted respectfully toward his wives while teaching his children the importance of honoring their parents.

Says the Rebbe: Don’t be fooled! Not everyone that honors women has their best interest and respect in mind. Esav, a notorious womanizer, put females before males. Not just his wives, and not out of respect. To him, women were objects of pleasure; females were to be treated kindly so as to be exploited for personal and selfish interests. This aught not be confused with true respect and admiration.

How prophetic! Has there ever been a time when the distinction between respect and exploitation of women has been more confused?

We live in an age in which women are considered to be “liberated” – we have ostensibly arrived at a point in history where women are respected and recognized by their male counterparts as equals – yet is this really the case? One has to wonder.

If society has really come to respect women for whom they truly are, why are they so readily used as marketing objects. Why is their physical anatomy exploited in so many perverse ways? Why do ill-clad women appear in advertisements for everything from automobiles to soft drinks, let alone denigrated in the ever-thriving pornographic industry?

Is our culture’s widespread treatment of the female as a marketing object, a sign of respect for women – of liberation, or is it plain old exploitation? There is certainly no real outrage on the part of women’s libbers, or any other well recognized group, against this prevailing and seemingly demeaning conduct.

Torah Judaism alerts us to the crucial fact that things are not always the way they appear. Sometimes what seems like good and benevolent on the outside, is truly disadvantageous – the product of selfishness and greed. On the other hand what appears to be negative and uncomfortable may in reality be beneficial – kindness in disguise.

This is true with regards to the treatment of women as well. There are two distinctly divergent ways of putting women first. One is out of genuine respect for their persona and inner qualities – the way of Yaakov. The other, for the sake of selfishness and exploitation – the way of Esav.

There are those who take issue with the fact that the Torah ascribes different roles to men and women, the view that as discriminatory, yet the may be looking at it from a very shallow perspective. Despite the accusation by some feminists that the Torah does not treat women fairly, Rashi teaches us of the great respect that our ancestors bestowed upon their wives.
This, of course, is in addition to the generous tribute the Torah displays towards the woman and her superior pragmatism and intuition in the past several Parsha’s. First, in the Parsha of Vayeira, G-d instructs Avraham – who was wary of his wife Sara’s counsel to send away his first born son Ishmael – “Whatever Sara tells you, listen to her voice.”

Then, in last week’s Sedra; Toldos, Rivka is the one who is portrayed as possessing the correct insight into her children’s characters, while her husband, Yitzchak, was entirely taken-in by Esau’s cunning. And, again, in our portion, Yaakov seeks the counsel of his wives before making the decision to move on.

Perhaps it is time to take another look at who actually values women more, the Torah or our Western secular culture. You may be in for a surprise!