Shazak Parsha Post – Parshas Shlach

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Super-Secret Spies Sent

There have been unconfirmed, unverified and uncorroborated reports that Moshe has unofficially dispatched a group of 12 men to scout out the Land of Canaan. According to sources close to the operation, the spies are expected to return with fruit samples, as well as strategic land-conquering information.

“Shush, it’s supposed to be a secret,” said one of the spies who wishes to remain anonymous. “Our mission is to check out the land… its fruits… its trees… its cities… and most importantly, its military strength. To tell you the truth, I’m quite nervous. It’s much safer here in the desert, surrounded by HaShem’s miraculous clouds.”

Giants Spotted in Canaan

It has been reported that there are gigantic giants in the Land of Canaan. They were spotted by the super-secret elite Meraglim Unit during an undercover discovery mission.

“It was frightening,” said Yigal ben Yosef, who allegedly witnessed three giants roaming the Chevron region. “Those guys were huge, enormous, massive, gargantuan… way up to the sun. I could only imagine how they perceived us… like we were grasshoppers. And we also felt like grasshoppers, or even worse, like a bunch of tiny ants! The good thing is that they were all super busy with some important funeral, so they didn’t pay any attention to us.”

Perilous Pandemonium Prevails

Following 40 days of anticipation, the Meraglim Commission has finally released its report. The report acknowledges that the Land of Canaan is a bountiful land with lush fruit and valuable natural resources, yet their military power is much for the Jewish Nation to conquer. “If we make any attempt to fight them,” the report concluded, “we will be crushed, crumpled, destroyed, demolished, shattered, and totally wiped out. Tsoohakt and Tsooshmettered like mashed potatoes.”

The response was immediate as people cried, wailed, and bawled throughout the night. “Oh, I wish (sniffle) I would have died in Mitzrayim or even (sob) in this desert,” said Ms. Fraidy Katz, who sniffled and sobbed as she spoke. “Why take us to this frightful land, where we will be killed by enemies!? I’d rather (sniffle) go back to (sob) Egypt!”

Dessert Delays Drag On

Following a rebellion against the Almighty that came on the heels of a 40-day spy mission, it has been declared that the Jews will wander in the desert for 40 long years – an entire generation.

“People are disappointed with their foolish behavior,” reports Ovadya Oyvayzmir, TNS disaster correspondent. “They now realize that they are not worthy to enter the Holy Land. HaShem declared that the youth of today will be the ones to ultimately conquer and settle the Land.”


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