Shazak Parsha Post – Behar-Bechukosai
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Parshas Behar
Free Food from Farmers
With fields left unplanted and untended, droves of poor people in the Land of Israel have been scrounging for wild wheat, barley and other produce.
“This ‘Land Sabbatical,’ a.k.a. Shemitah, occurs once every seven years,” said TNS agricultural correspondent Mr. Adam Adamah. “For one entire year, these hard-working farmers put aside their farming tools and take a well-deserved break. They spend time studying Torah, while the fruits and vegetables of their fields are available for anyone in need… FOR FREE!” According to the Shazak Fact-Checker, Shemitah is a Divine commandment, authorized by the grand owner of Planet Earth, a.k.a. G-d, a.k.a. HaShem.
Loan Shark Exposed
Desperate people all over Yehupitsville have borrowed small amounts of money only to discover that they were over their heads in debt. They are victims of Exponential Lending Inc., which charged them outrageous sums of interest. In an exclusive interview, young victim Simmy Simpleton described the loan scheme. “I borrowed $15 for a kosher pizza with four toppings and crunchy fries, and within a month I start getting bills in the mail for hundreds of dollars. I feel as if I was bitten by a snake. Starts with one tiny bite and then it BLOWS UP…OUCH!”
Mr. Sharkowitz, CEO of Exponential Lending Inc., has been arrested and is awaiting trial before Beis Din. “I’m innocent. I am the victim here,” exclaimed Sharkowitz. “Simmy signed on the dotted line, and the terms on the 54-page contract are crystal clear! What do you want from me?! Is it my fault Sammy can’t read the small print? Let him buy a pair of glasses, or better yet a microscope! I’ll lend him the money to get it if he needs…”
Philadelphia, Circa 1751:
Giant Bell Ordered
To celebrate 50 years since its founding, the Pennsylvania Provincial Assembly has commissioned an oversized bell to be placed on a specially built tower. The bell will be made in London and is expected to weigh more than 2,000 pounds.
“It’s going to be a real challenge to get that bell all the way across the Atlantic Ocean,” noted TNS Colonial Correspondent, Dror Franklin. “Rumor has it that it will have the following words on it: Proclaim LIBERTY Throughout all the Land unto all the Inhabitants Thereof. Does that ring a bell? That’s right. It’s the Torah’s instruction for the Jubilee Year, called Yovel. Personally, I can’t wait to see the bell. I just hope it doesn’t crack…”
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Parshas Bechukosai
Unusual Weather Patterns Declared a Blessing
The Land of Israel has recently experienced climate change. Week by week, every Friday night, bucketloads of rain begin to fall. Meteorologists originally dismissed it as a coincidence, but a careful reading of Torah reveals that it is actually a Divine blessing.
“In the beginning of Parshas Bechukosai, HaShem promises that if the Jews follow His will, He will send them rain at the best time,” explained meteorologist Gershon Geshem of Matar Matters Think Tank. “This phenomenon occurs every Friday night when everyone is tucked safely into their beds. That’s the perfect time for rain… unless, Heaven forbid, you have a leaky roof.”
Confusion in Synagogue
Loud arguments were heard at Congregation Anshei Shazak during the Torah reading this week. “What’s going on here?!” stormed Mr. Herschel Haughty, senior president of the shul. “Aliyah #3 is reserved for important people, like… ahem… yours truly. This week, Parshas Bechukosei, however, NOBODY was called up to the Torah… no Ya’amod, no nothing! Instead, our Torah reader, Reb Berel Korei, made the blessing over the Torah. He read the portion speedily and quietly… probably so nobody would even notice that he ‘stole’ the Aliyah! The chutzpah! The nerve! The audacity!”
In an effort to calm the rattled crowd, Rabbi Shazakowitz explained during his weekly Shazak sermon, that Reb Berel was only following Jewish tradition. “Aliyah #3 is called the Tochachah – HaShem’s big and scary rebuke… the CURSES!” the rabbi said gazing at Mr. Haughty.
“Would you, Reb Herschel, want to be called up for the rebuke?” “NO! Absolutely not! Out of the question! You gotta be kidding! Not me…”, responded Herschel. “No?! That explains why nobody is called up, rather we give the Tochacha-Aliyah to the one who has to be there anyway, Berel Korei, the Ba’al Korei, reader of the Torah.”
Ma’aser Red Paint and a Grateful Shepherd
In farms across the land, farmers have gathered all livestock born this year into large pens and are letting them out one at a time. Every 10th animal receives a smearing of red paint on his back, designating it as Ma’aser, to be brought as a sacrifice in the Holy Temple.
“All season long, as my sheep are born, I see how HaShem blesses them with life and health,” said Shepherd Shimon Shepperdstein. “I am so grateful, I’m glad to give HaShem one animal out of 10. It’s a bargain. I keep 9 and HaShem gets 1. I keep 9 and HaShem gets 1. I keep 9 and HaShem gets 1. I keep 9 and HaShem gets 1. Get the idea?”
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