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Special Health Edition: Focus on Skin Care
Tsara’as Epidemic Spreads
A dreadful skin disease has broken out in Yentaville Township. Standing amid a much-too-loud waiting room full of gossiping patients, Dr. Raffy Cohen, medical expert at Beth-Israel Hospital, reports that this outbreak has reached epidemic proportions.
“We are seeing patients with white spots that look suspiciously like the Biblical disorder of Tsara’as,” said Dr. Cohen. “Kudos to our Chief Medical Authority, a.k.a. G-d Almighty, for giving us detailed healing instructions. I am confident that when our Tsara’as patients follow these guidelines, they will be completely cured.”
Medical Experts: Tsara’as Is Not Leprosy
For generations, it has been assumed that Tsara’as is identical to the disease called leprosy. According to Dr. Leibel Lukshenkop, the famous medical and biblical expert, this is totally incorrect.
When asked to comment briefly, Dr. Lukshenkop responded, “I tell you. It’s totally incorrect. False and erroneous. It’s a myth. A fable. One big fairytale. Listen… Leprosy is simple and straightforward. Everyone knows that leprosy is a perfectly natural disease caused by Mycobacterium leprae, affecting the peripheral nervous system and skin, characterized by ulcerations, tubercular nodules, and loss of sensation. Tsara’as, on the other hand, is a supernatural spiritual condition that comes as a result of sin – the sin we call Lashon Hara – speaking evil of others, slandering and just yakety-yakety-yak, blah, blah, blah, talking nonsense, yada, yada, yada, talk that seems to be never ending, etc. etc. etc. etc., if you know what I mean, whatever. I think you get the point and I hope I am making myself crystal clear. Personally, I don’t understand how people enjoy just babbling away….
[Due to lack of space, TNS had to cut short the doctor’s insightful “brief” remarks].”
Mysterious Spots Appear on Clothing
Dry cleaners all over the camp are reporting unusual spots that cannot be removed by chemical cleansers. Spot-testing samples obtained by TNS showed these spots to be red or green.
One sample was locked away for an entire week and didn’t appear to shrink or fade, causing investigators to believe that it may be Tsara’as, the Biblical malady that can affect skin, clothing and even homes.
“If anyone sees spots like these,” cautioned Dr. Lukshenkop, “we urge you to take them directly to a Kohen authorized by the dRc (Desert Rabbinical Council) to diagnose and treat Tsaraa’as. This is not something that will go away on its own, and it’s certainly not something you want to have treated by an amateur, and I have a lot more to say about this…” For a full transcript of Dr. Lukshenkop’s “brief” remarks, see pages 55-97 of “The World According to Lukshenkop.”
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Around the World with Detective Holmes
Investigators are trying to solve the mystery of the name of the fifth Parsha of the Book of VaYikra. “We know that most people call this Parsha ‘Metsora,’” clarified Detective Shimon Holmes, “but it does not appear to be quite so elementary. Why would a Parsha be named for a dreaded disease? There must be another name…”
- In Iraq (formerly known as Bavel) Holmes uncovered a 1,000-year-old manuscript from Rabbi Saadya Gaon where he referred to the Parsha as “Zos Tihiye” – the first unique words of the Parsha, meaning “this shall be.”
- In Italy, Holmes discovered a 300-year-old diary of the famous traveler, Rabbi Chaim Yosef Dovid Azulay, a.k.a. the Chidah. In each new entry he would begin with the name of the Parsha, such as Kislev 23, Parshas VaYeishev. Holmes noticed that during the week of Parshas Metsora, however, he would write Parshas Teharah, meaning “purification,” a befitting name for the Parsha that deals with the purification of the Tsara’as sufferer.
- Detective Holmes concluded his research at the Shazak headquarters in Chicago. Holmes discovered a Shazak manuscript (it was under the Out of Egypt book) which sheds light on the common name, Metsora. Being that Holmes could not decipher the cryptic handwriting, Rabbi Moscowitz, Executive Producer of Shazak (who could read his own handwriting), clarified, “Metsora sounds like Motsi Ra, ‘removing bad.’ That’s what Parshas Metsora is all about – the removal of one’s bad past and the beginning of a new journey filled with goodness and kindness!”
Tsara’as Sufferer Rehabilitated
Talkalot Tsara’as Update: It had been a long process involving weeks of isolation, a ritual involving two birds, running water, branches of hyssop and cedar, a red string, temple sacrifices, and a very patient Kohen, but Tuli Talkalot has been cleared of Tsara’as. As news spread, his family and friends gathered to welcome him home.
“It was ahem… an interesting experience,” said Tuli to TNS disease and disaster reporter Oyvadya Oyvei. “I spent a lot of time alone, which allowed me to think, and now I am completely rehabilitated… ready to rejoin society. Ready to come home. Ready to live a kinder, gentler and quieter life.”
Antique Treasure Found in Condemned Home
An ancient Cana’anite home dating to the Amorite Period was condemned several weeks ago due to the appearance of suspicious spots on the walls. During the partial demolition process, construction workers came across a pile of dusty coins and other precious artifacts. Archeologists believe they had been hidden by the original homeowners of Cana’an. “I can hardly believe it,” said the owner of the house, Berel Balabos. “I am so thankful to HaShem, who told us that our house needed to be taken apart. And this all came from talking too much. I’m speechless!”
Shimmy’s Shlepping Shervice
Do you shushpect your home has Tshara’as? Need help removing all your belongings before your house is condemned?
Call Shimmy’s Shlepping Shervice
(1-800-Shlep-NOW) ShShSh will help shave your shtuff before your house is declared impure.
Or email: firstname.lastname@example.org
(BTW: PM Shimmy if you know a good Shpeech Therapisht)