A particular compelling story in this week's Torah portion is that of Hagar and Yishmael, who was sent away at Sarah's urging by Abraham, as detailed in this week's parsha, Parshas Vayero (Bereshis 21:8-20. Bereshis 21:8-20
I have always found the emotions and events in this week's parsha vividly compelling. Even as I accepted the need for sending away Ishmael, I was always haunted by this set of biblical imagery.
As I assumed the responsibilities of fatherhood, my empathy with the suffering of Yishmael and Hagar became almost painful. One day, the doors of a yeshiva closed behind me and one of my children. We left with heavy hearts and a refund check.
Youth at Risk and This Week’s Torah Portion (Vayero)
Through the book of Genesis, the narrative focuses first on the ancestors of mankind and then upon the ancestors of the Jewish people. After an initial compelling story, those whose history parted with that of the Jewish people such as Ishmael and Esau fade out with a detailed genealogy that is devoid of personal narrative in the written text.
A particular compelling story in this week’s Torah portion is that of Hagar and Yishmael, who was sent away at Sarah’s urging by Abraham, as detailed in this week’s parsha, Parshas Vayero (Bereshis 21:8-20. Bereshis 21:8-20
I have always found the emotions and events in this week’s parsha vividly compelling. Even as I accepted the need for sending away Ishmael, I was always haunted by this set of biblical imagery.
As I assumed the responsibilities of fatherhood, my empathy with the suffering of Yishmael and Hagar became almost painful. One day, the doors of a yeshiva closed behind me and one of my children. We left with heavy hearts and a refund check.
I am normally quiet about my “yichus”. With a name like Danziger, no one has to know that my mother was Italian and that I converted to Judaism as a young man. But that day I spoke up for my child.
“I went to Catholic school for six years. I was a rebel. I was a non believer. I did everything my child has done and more. I wanted to get thrown out. I didn’t believe in their faith and I was drawn to my Jewish ancestors. I could not get them to expel me. It pains me that your school which espouses a far more resonant truth, that is untainted by complicity in the Nazi genocide is more willing to send away a Jewish child of whom fewer remain in the world than the hundreds of millions of Christians. It pains me to make this comparison. I have never compared Jews to Christians in an unfavourable light. But I must do so now.”
When I got home that night, away from my wife and children, I cried bitter tears. They were as bitter as the tears of Hagar. But the waters for which my child’s lips were parched was not of the earth but of Jewish faith. Like Hagar, I took my child through the desert, one that was spiritual in nature. Thank G-d there were wellsprings that sustained us. My words to the principal that fell upon deaf ears reached heaven and opened human hearts. I did not want my child to be like Leon Trotsky, who was thrown out of Yeshiva and became a communist and hater of Judaism. Nor did I want an obedience trophy as a child but children whose goodness would continue to sustain the Jewish people.
There are growing numbers of children who are having learning difficulties or emotional problems or who just plain feel disenfranchised in our schools. Growing numbers are leaving the faith. As in years past, they are sent away together with their parents. All of the scholarships that had made paying tuition possible dry up once a child is sent away. An often crushing burden is added to the load put on the parents’ back. Even though they were effectively in a neighbourhood school, there is no neighbourhood school system. If a child fails, he or she often has other viable options within the community. I wonder how many parents faced with this problem thought of Hagar traveling with her child through the desert? How many felt that level of desperation? Who offers these children acceptance and at what cost? How much stress is added to the home when the tuition burden suddenly doubles or triples?
I have been very pointed in omitting the gender of my child or any identifying details in writing of this issue. There are girls who are having problems in school as well as boys. There is a massive disparity between the assistance given them and their families and that given to boys. And there is a greater stigma placed upon girls who do not fit in.
This problem has been discussed in great detail. Unfortunately it is discussed as gossip. There are all too many who would never stoop to discuss a sitcom at their dinner table yet will nonchalantly speak of a child who is out of yeshiva. If such discussion were a prelude to action, it could be a positive thing; but it seldom is. Too many children are shut out of the neighbourhood yeshivas without a feasible alternative. We are welcoming returnees to Judaism through our front door and throwing their children out the back door Then we pat ourselves on the back for putting tefilin on their uncovered heads or coaxing them into accepting shabbos candles. Then we can sleep. There is no politer way to say this. This is not a time for politeness.
Who are we to say which Jews are dispensable ? Which Jew can we do without? We condemn those who advocate euthanasia, those who pull feeding tubes out of the sick and dying elderly. But we are doing the same thing spiritually to children who do not fit into our mainstream yeshivas.
If you are here to read a case history, then read no further. If you want to figure out who wrote this and whose father he is then this is the wrong article for you. Perhaps in that case20I could interest you in a copy of the National Enquirer or some other rag filled with exposés. The sadness and desperation of families with children out of yeshiva has been discussed enough, in your papers and at your table, Far too little has been done.
I do not believe that Jewish observance is dispensable. I believe every Jew needs Torah and every gentile needs every Jew to have Torah. I believe we hurt those who remain within Jewish observance by sending children away.
The descendants of Yishmael tormented the Jewish people over the generations leading to the present day. Hagar repented, according to our rabbis. Yishmael remains lost. It is said that he will return in the times of Moshiach. How is this instructive to this generation?
We have sent too many mothers and children into the spiritual desert with little to sustain them. This indifference to the stranger is not befitting Jewish character. Sodom,which also appears in this week’s parsha also closed its doors to strangers. We maintain the merciful distinction that our rejection of those who become strangers is not violent. It is a small consolation, yet one that offers some seeds of hope.
It is to me fortuitous that this parsha occurs so early in the school year, so soon after the high holidays, at a time when school adjustment problems start to become apparent.
Chassidus teaches us that everything we see is for a reason. It is hashgacha pratis.If we see a person in need, it is because we can be a part of the solution.
I have spoken forcefully and bluntly because I believe that there is a reservoir of decency that I can tap in dealing with this problem. These are boys and girls whose souls have been entrusted to us. We must not turn them away. If they must learn apart from the mainstream, their families should not be saddled with a crushing tuition burden. Funding can be common even if learning is separate.
Abraham Fried sang a famous song , “No Jew Will Be Left Behind”. It is about the time of Moshiach. It is a joyous image in troubled times In the mean time, Jews are being left behind. It is our collective choice by default. How sad.
mmmmmm
well written. do you have any suggestions?
sara
At least you got a refund check.
It-s our responisbility
We have a few schools in the community that are trying to address the issues of “outside the box” kids…Darchei Menachem seems to be doing a great job for boys, and Bnos Chomesh and Ohr Chana for girls. But you know they all struggle financially and all have to charge high tuitions to make programs that give personal attention and are appealing. I heard that Bnos Chomesh almost fell apart because of financial issues. It is really shocking to me that our community does not rally behind these institutions in a big way…they are the ones that really understand what this generation of kids needs.
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I am one of those children who did not fit exactly into the system.
I’m 35 now but I still feel the anger against the Rebbies who did not give me another chance .
Disgusted with the system
This is an amazing article. I think it should be sent to ALL the Yeshivas all over the country! I can definitely relate as my child is still not in Yeshiva since the summer ended and is going further and further away from yiddishkeit. I blame noone, except for the Yeshivas who play games and aren’t even willing to give my child a chance! Excuses they are experts at, but to take the auchrayis of a Yiddishe neshama, to keep it frum-that they can’t handle. But offer them a chance to go on mivtzoim and they’ll jump at it! kiruv must be in our own backyards, with our own children first! No wonder so many of our own are turning their backs.
Inspirational article; now to work!
This is a beautifully written article. Surely you know that everyone is aware of what is going on, to a more or less degree, and that in theory everyone is willing to help. I say “in theory”, because unless people are given some concrete suggestions as to how they can be of assistance (most people need such things spelled out for them), that is exactly the way it will remain.
Here are some suggestions I would make. Everyone reading this can implement at least one of them:
– Community members: Make an effort to befriend kids that are having trouble in school or with yiddishkeit in general. Do not be judgmental, just show them some warmth and teach them by example that Chassidus and a Chassidishe environment is a happy, productive place to be.
– Community members: Donate and contribute your time, effort, money, or connections to mosdos that are making an effort to build an alternative for kids who don’t fit “the mold” or the “regular system”.
– Teachers (and principals): make an effort to see things from the kids’ point of view and try to construct alternatives for them if they don’t “fit the system”, realizing that kids aren’t machines, and your job is to educate a child “al pi darko”, and not according to some preset, rigid “mold”. By definition, your job as a teacher is not to see a child as a “good” or “bad” student, but only to figure out and adapt to the specific needs of every individual in your class.
– Parents (and grandparents, and friends who care): recognize that your son/daughter (family member or family friend) may have individual needs that are not and perhaps cannot be met by the teacher and/or classroom of the “regular system”. If this is the case, with cheerful energy and optimism do the right thing for your child, and find or create a better alternative for him/her. There are more alternatives out there than ever before, and the educational system is becoming increasingly more open to developing additional options.
vegasanswers
You seem really upset i hope you cheer up. go have a beer.
Boruch N. Hoffinger
B“H
Brought some tears to my eyes.
Powerful and truthful!
I have, BA”H 6 wonderful, successful children.
I wish I could do something!
I’ve gone to Frankel’s Shul ‘Father
and Son Learning Session’ to help.
I’ve offered my graphic-arts skills.
SORRY MISPELLED OFFERED PLEASE REPLACE TODAH
feels the same about the system
I’d like to email this article to everyone I know!
Gib Aytzes
There are soooooo many parents in our community who have experienced Mr. Danziger’s story. I would love to hear some of the SOLUTIONS they have come up with because I know plenty of people that could be helped by practical ideas of where to take your child who doesn’t fit the mold. Which schools are willing to work with you? What other out of the mold ideas have worked for other parents?
Still Looking
Darchei Menachem will only take kids who are learning below average. If there are just discipline issues but the kid is average or above they will not take him. Thus, where is such a kid to go? I have yet to find a Lubavitch yeshiva; especially mesivta, which is suitable for such a kid. No other schools are willing to work with you? They just slam the doors in your face!Any suggestions?
One mother out of many
When the schools in the community closed the doors on my daughter – another little school in crown Heights opened his wide arms to welcome her.
She is happy there: a small class, individual attention, positive attitude, a wonderful atmosphere and an excellent staff. My daughter wakes up every morning now with a smile in her face, getting ready for a day of self fulfillment and acceptance.
As a mother I take the opportunity to appeal to everyone. One of the most important things to do for our children is to support this special schools financially so they can not only survive but also grow.