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Wednesday: Seminar on Domestic Abuse
The Shalom Task Force, a Jewish organization dedicated to fighting domestic abuse, in conjunction with several Crown Heights organizations and sponsors, will be hosting a women’s-only evening of awareness and education on the sensitive subject, featuring as keynote speaker Lisa Twersky, author of: “I’m so Confused, Am I Being Abused?” as well as words of Torah from Rebbetzin Bronya Shaffer, world renowned speaker and educator.
The event will take place Wednesday evening, October 28th, at Oholei Torah – 667 Eastern Parkway [between Brooklyn and New York Aves.]. The program starts at 7:30pm.
Lisa G. Twerski, LCSW, received her Master’s in Social Work from New York University’s School of Social Work in 1990, and has certification in pre-marital counseling and education. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for over twenty years and has held numerous positions in and out of the Jewish community, both with victims as well as in programs for abusers.
Mrs. Twerski is on the Board of Directors of Nefesh, The International Network for Orthodox Jewish Mental Health Professionals, maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, consults to Shalom Task Force. She lectures locally and nationally on domestic abuse, marriage, and dating, and has recently published a book titled, I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused? Guidance for the Orthodox Jewish Spouse and Those Who Are Trying to Help.
Citizen Berel
Here is an Amazon review on Ms. Twerski’s book, “I’m so Confused, Am I Being Abused? Guidance for the Orthodox Jewish Spouse and Those Who Want to Help”:
By ‘Assival’
Having personal experience with the therapies and help provided by Dr A. Twerski, and personal experience with the work of Lisa Twerski I was terribly disappointed to find his collaboration with Lisa Twerski. Dr. A. Twerski has continuously demonstrates a depth of experience, patience and understanding in regard to addictive disorders and it’s affect on the family, particularly in the cases of spousal abuse. Ms Twerski however, clearly lacks a demonstrated capacity to see beyond the person sitting across the table. Whereas The esteemed psychiatrist Dr A. Twerski addresses the abuse taking place within the home as a facet of a complex disease process involving the patient AND the family thereby facilitating healing with the family structure, and has in many cases been able not only to salvage the family unit but to strengthen the loving bonds within the family, Ms Twerski, seems all too prepared to “throw the baby out with the bath water” in an attempt to seek a villain in a situation where the entire family should aptly be considered victims. She might consider adopting a “family centered”approach to abuse counseling as practiced by her father in law RabbiDr A. Twerski.”
There was a recent op-ed (one a website that shall go nameless) entitled “ignorance-is-not-bliss” which was devoid of any substance whatever save for that the author became enlightened to the prevalence of abuse. There is no substance at all in the op-ed and it comes of a kinda cultish actually.
The bottom line is that you are likely to walk out of this even seeing abuse where you would not have going in and you are likely to see abuse in a different light.
Maybe, this is all torah misinai and glaat and kosher and lefi ruach chochimim or maybe it is dangerously subversively false or maybe it’s somewhere in between, but its a woman’s only event so I’m not invited to judge.
Bottom line, I will attend the men’s version when it comes, but until then kavdehu vechashdehu. Buyer beware.
miri
finally Its about time ty
What about the GUY?
What about the guy??!! Why no awareness about the men who are being abused by their wives?!
Citizen Berel
You missed the memo. This is funded by the office for violence against woman. This isn’t about families. It’s about (certain kinds of) women.
Does this mean
That anyone attending is being abused? Can we just come to hear what they’re talking about?
rivki
This is an educational event . Any person of dating age.kallas, hossons, just married. parents marrying children. should know to recognize early signs of abuse so they can act , and direct pple they care for in difficult situations.
YMSP
I’ve got to say that I wish that this important issue was being handled by trained rabbonim like Rabbi Heller. It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with responsibly, but we also need to ensure that more harm isn’t done than good.
I know and trust Mrs. Schaffer. I don’t know Lisa Twersky and there have been a lot of problems stemming from NYU graduate social workers. Basically, all I’m saying is that I hope that there’s a balance.
Secular domestic violence organizations run into 3 problems – and these are serious problems that also can’t be ignored because children of divorce are at exponentially higher risk of suicide, drug abuse, truancy and delinquency – G-d forbid. Also, sometimes they encourage reporting of abuse that is either non-existent or so grossly exaggerated that the one making the allegation gets in trouble with the courts.
So, while we all agree that real domestic violence is wrong and should absolutely be curbed, we need to make sure that the Shalom Task Force does not operation under the assumptions that all such secular organizations do in the US, which are:
1) If a spouse complains at all to them there’s more to the story (the opposite is usually true – they’re an outlet to let loose and much is said without any proper context and the truth is often stretched to ridiculousness along the way).
2) They’ll openly admit that they’d rather ch”v destroy 1000 fixable situations than take a risk on one.
3) They preach that verbal fighting can lead to physical abuse. This is rare and the scare tactic often works in ways that the counselor (who seeks onto to preempt) wouldn’t want, such as when there’s postpartum anxiety that causes focus on the worst fears.
For the sake of the next generation, balance, delicacy and working with each case one by one and with older rabbonim and older lady mashpios is crucial.
Rivka
Lisa twersky is the most accredited to adress this problem in the frum community.
She spoke for the shluchos last year in the kinus and she wrote on healthy relationship more than on abuse.
Any person from dating age. Just married. Marrying their children should be educated about acceptable and no acceptable behaviors.
Help yourself. A friend. A child when you can still make a difference.
YMSP
The person who sent me this link also asked me to look at the Amazon reviews for her book. There’s cause for concern and a cookie cutter approach that focuses on divorce and not only fixing salvageable situations. The kids are karbonos ch”v if this happens.
ndt
these people have personality disorders. its a very hard disorder which has terrible issues attached to it. We have to support this, just so we help protect our own people. If its Twerski, it will be fine.alot of Twerskis make an incredible effort to help in our communities. Thankyou to all of these great people. we cannot afford this, ever. With education, enlightenment, we can reduce and Im Yirtzah HaShem, eradicate this SOON.
Moshiach NOW.
Citizen Berel
This is very well funded. A grant from the ‘office of violence against women’ and we are seeing fliers and signs and articles and articles and fliers and articles.
No you do not *need* to attend this event. Abuse is very much the exception to the rule of healthy marriages and if you’ve a healthy marriage you’ve a healthy marriage and you do not *need* to be educated about abuse.
This is an extremely partisan event. Some may need this, most do not.
Chaim
This is the exact attitude this MUCH NEEDED event is trying to raise awareness about.
Abuse is real, and happens in homes you’d never imagine. Please un-dig your head from the sand; and send a women you know (wife, mother, daughter, grandmother) to this event. You may actually learn something.
Citizen Berel
You are foolish and you are dangerous.
You contend that marriage is dangerous — you contend that everyone is sick and their are skeletons in every closet. And that there is no health or healing outside the credentialed halls of the modern academic social service industry — no!
Why the secrecy — for woman only!
Fawning op-eds — you. must. attend. this. event. ignorance. is. not. bliss. — with zero substance. Fliers, articles everywhere — funded by the the Federal Government (the office for violence against woman).
It’s a new religion. Everyone is sick. Everyone’s a victim — getting married — be afraid, be. very. very. afraid.
Yes my attitude is precisely why you insist EVERYONE need attend this event. You will not rest until we buy the Epidemic. ITS AN EPIDEMIC I TELL YOU!!! really it is, come and I’ll splain you.
Why are you so convinced. Do you married people cause I know tons of them. Are they in majority healthy and productive? Of course they are…NO! they aren’t, they are sick, come and I’ll show you. We. must. end. the. epidemic.
What a farce.
to comment #8
no it is not a personality disorder. it is an angry and controlling man who abuses the power over his wife or kids or any other victim. its not a disorder and does not get treatment! It is a man who decides he wants to value a healthy relationship…it must come from within and then counseling will be effective by an abuser program or a therapist who is well trained on abuse.. google personality disorder…it is different then abusive.
Larry
From the few people who I know who are going through tough times it seems to me that they’re not really afraid to talk about it the problem is there’s no one to go to who will listen a lack of professionals who will truly listen and try to help that seems to be a problem .I can’t go to a Rabbi and ask him about issues of my transmission in my car it’s an area has no idea on how to fix so these issues I think professional people who truly understand how to fix and help these problems there’s a lack of .The rabbis need to have a team of people in the professional world where they could communicate with in situations like this they can have them come in and sit down altogether to be able to fix such problems. It’s like going to a lawyer with the malpractice suit they send you to a doctor to get their view and with that they build your case
Chaim
Oy Berel….
Instead of knee-jerk reactions, take the time to learn and educate yourself. Speak to Rabbonim and Askonim in this neighborhood, you’ll be shocked at what you learn.
Digging your head in the sand may be the route you prefer, but take a leap, educate yourself and then comment.
Citizen Berel
Mr. Chaim, will their be a stream or a recording or a transcript made public of this most important education event. No?
Why not?
Make no mistake, this isn’t your standard education seminar. This is well-funded (by the activist element of the Government) movement.
Note the flier, in the 9:30-9:45pm slot promises “Communal Opportunities and Support Services” meaning that Shalom Task Force is here to stay.
Who are they, and what is this … Woman only! (by the office of violence against women.
“rivki” above:
“Should know to recognize early signs of abuse so they can act , and direct pple they care for in difficult situations.”
Early signs of abuse…skeleton in every closet be very afraid.
I should ask the Rabbonim and Askonim? Who are you and why do know so much.
Where are these Rabbonim and why aren’t we hearing from them.
There are anti-family winds blowing everywhere–or is your head in the sand?–and out of nowhere comes this Shalom Task Force (For Woman only!) funded by a Grant No. 2013-UW AX-0001 awarded by the Office on Violence Against Women with Communal opportunities and Support services and fawning ‘op-eds’ that say absolutely nothing and nobody is the least bit suspicious?
Early signs of abuse is hugely indeterminate and social sciences have profoundly disappointed mankind and approaches to resolving the issue can vary from helpful and wise to evil and subversive and EVERYWOMAN needs needs needs to go to *this* event cause heads in sad.
Bottom line — there will be no recording of the event after the fact? Why? Because it’s so IMPORTANT THAT’S WHY (huh?)
This project needs a ton of vetting, and this very idea that abuse is so prevalent that “Any person of dating age.kallas, hossons, just married. parents marrying children…(our above … rivki)” needs to cred up on it, speaks (potentially) to very foreign and very partisan and frankly very sick view point which we need to reject out of hand. It is you, Chaim, who has a head in the sand.
YMSP
Instead of preaching, why don’t you look up the harmful effects of false allegations, the push to divorce in very salvageable situations, and the overreaction and scare tactics that many social services use to manufacture abuse and justify their budget (which is based on “numbers of counseled” – i.e. “abused”). Then look up the harmful effects of divorce (they’ve been deadly for some children, Hashem Yishmor), and you too will have deep concerns about this cookie cutter public approach. No one who knows about the shenanigans in Family Court, or even Bais Din, and the after effects of such shenanigans on kids would not be concerned about how such things are presented.
YMSP
Exactly Citizen Berel.
One of the complaints on Lisa Twersky’s book (Amazon review that someone sent me…) was that until Dr. Abraham J. Twersky, who works with all parties and focuses on them improving together, she can look for a villain and separate people. I don’t know why some on here are so sure of their ways and don’t realize that overreaction (which is rampant on this issue) hurts women and children in the long run far more than it hurts the men. We need sane individual and personalized solutions. Thanks for your comments, which are the only ones that are spot on.
Comments are shocking
Embarrassing to read such ignorance.
I wouldn’t want an ignoramus as a mother in law .
It is unfortunate that there ate so many cavewomen in our community.
Get out and come towards the sunlight before it’s too late.It may just be your daughter that is being discussed at the event.
To YMSP
Let me just tell you, from experience, that children who grow up in a home in which there is abuse going on are much bigger korbanos than children who grow up in a peaceful home of divorced parents. Also, kids who witness abuse in their home between parents are likely to either become or cause more korbanos by marrying an abuser, or becoming one. Leaving an abusive marriage allows a child to understand right from wrong, becoming a stronger, not weaker person. As long as there is abuse going on in a marriage, there can be no discussion with children about what constitutes an appropriate/ healthy or inappropriate/unhealthy marriage. It becomes a taboo subject, and children grow up thinking that’s what a marriage is supposed to be like – what a real korban!
Sometimes one is ” stuck between a rock and a hard place”. Whereas ideally divorce isn’t good for children, if the other option is remaining in an abusive marriage- that’s a worse option!!!
And about your comment about older Rabbonim dealing with this matter…. It needs to be an older Rav who has a thorough understanding of abuse, which many older ( and younger) Rabbonim do not have.
From experience, one thing is clear – anyone who has not experienced abuse or has not had to be involved with a sister, close friend etc who was abused, CANNOT IMAGINE what goes on in an abusive marriage. To a normal, healthy mind, you cannot even dream up the types of things abusers do and victims suffer!!! It really is a classic example of ” don’t judge another until you’re in their shoes”
Our community would do well with some humility, recognizing that there is a lot about abuse that is unknown to those who are lucky to not have suffered through it. Be willing to open your hearts and minds to learn about a world you don’t have to suffer with, but other unfortunate people do have to!!
YMSP
We know that there are tragic cases. We also know, and anyone who has dealt with divorce, or divorce “law,” or counseling in an unbiased and Torah way, know that there’s a lot of false allegations, bombarding a woman with worst case scenarios, saying “if she doesn’t say this” or whatever then she can lose custody and all but guilting people into making false allegations. On top of that, there’s literally a gang-up of malcontents who delve head first into any case that comes their way, whether they know anything about it or not. The brainwashing that removes all context and assigns worst motives or sometimes makes up things wholesale is also rampant. Any decent counselor can give tens of examples of each and all of the above.
In each of the above, the woman’s life and the children’s upbringing are ruined needlessly and the man is also ruined, but for a shorter time. There are the terrible other cases, but here’s what needs to differentiate the two (at least according to Hashem and according to any expert who understands and cares):
Just one of the good things about Torah, since it’s from Hashem, is that all situations are dealt with there. Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 154 documents all cases in which a get is mechuyav. Anything that doesn’t fall in there (about 95% of divorce cases today, which happen way too fast, and in which outlandish scenarios are put forward, don’t fall into these categories).
There’s also been a huge abuse of the word abuse, which hurts real cases of abuse.
All of that needs to be added to the discussion, or by definition, the discussion veers away from reality and many people are hurt.
Shulchan Aruch says Case B is serious and warrants a divorce and Case A needs rectification. Those rabbis who follow the crowd mentality instead of Shulchan Aruch lose their legitimacy (a rabbi’s legitimacy is Jewish law) and cause untold and unthinkable harm, all the while making a mockery of real cases of unfathomable abuse (which is rare, but receives less attention with the myriads of other cases that cry wolf).
Solution: Each case is different and must be dealt with individually, with a goal of saving marriages. Blanket cries that the situation is rampant literally destroy children’s lives without reason. Each case needs to be heard and dealt with fairly. That can’t happen in a politicized environment where divorce (the cause of teen suicide, substance abuse, truancy and delinquency, not to mention a whole host of less serious things) is mistakenly seen as the safer or better of two options when it rarely is (and sometimes it indeed is, Rachmona Litzlan, but it should be treated as the serious and last ditch amputation that it is, not a way to vent frustrations or to seek out the ideal partner that hasn’t been created yet).