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Shazak Parsha Post – Parshas Vayechi

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Patriarch’s Blessings Predict Future

GOSHEN – Yaakov Isaacson has gathered his 12 sons to bless them before his departure from Planet Earth. Each son was given a special blessing, which will affect their descendents for generations to come.

“Our holy father’s blessings were extraordinary! It seems clear that, through these blessings, he was able to visualize the time our descendants will settle in the Holy Land and even control their future!” reported one of the sons. Another son added, “You can not imagine how excited we were when Father was about to reveal to us the precise date of the arrival of Moshiach! But, unfortunately, there was a change of plans. It seems, HaShem wanted the secret to remain a secret.”

A palace spokesman has reported to TNS that Paraoh is not a happy camper. “I am not a happy camper,” clarified the king.

Havoc at Funeral

Upon the arrival of Yaakov’s funeral procession at Me’aras HaMachpeilah, the mourners were met by Yaakov’s evil twin brother, Eisav. He claimed that this burial place rightfully belongs to him.

As we go to press, TNS reports that the speediest son of Yaakov, Naftali, is racing back to Egypt to retrieve the contract proving his father’s ownership of the burial plot.
Meanwhile, one of the grandsons, Chushim son of Dan, who is deaf, was extremely agitated, “Outrageous! Eisav is delaying my holy grandfather’s burial! I can’t believe everyone is standing here doing nothing! I’d better take matters into my own hands!”

What will happen next is anyone’s guess. Stay tuned for updates.

Egyptian Leader & Hero Dies at 110

The prestigious leader of Egypt, Yosef, son of the revered Yaakov, has died at the age of 110. The ruler’s last wish was to be buried in the Nile River and have his bones transported to Israel by his descendants.

The news shocked the public. “I am totally confused, tsoomished, tsoochished, and tsootomalt,” commented Detective Tsemy Tsoo. “According to my calculated calculations I was certain Yosef would be buried in the Land of Israel, just as his father was. Obviously, it was a total miscalculation.”

Meanwhile, the Egyptians, believing that the waters of the Nile would be blessed by this holy individual, put Yosef’s body in an iron coffin, which sank to the depths of the river.

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