Despite Much to Kvetch About, They’re Happy

My husband and I celebrated our first anniversary earlier this year. This occasion marked the end of our shana rishona, the yearlong “honeymoon” period that our rabbis warn us is anything but. It’s a time of solidifying the relationship, learning to compromise, and adjusting to a spouse’s idiosyncrasies. For Orthodox couples, this first year is often a struggle to navigate the [rules of taharas hamishpacha] which are mandated by halakha, or Jewish law. But a new survey indicates that, over the long term, Orthodox Jews have happier marriages than the general public.

According to the Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey—an anonymous online study conducted by the Orthodox Union in conjunction with a program of Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles and the Rabbinical Council of California—72% of Orthodox men and 74% of Orthodox women rated their marriages as excellent or very good. By contrast, only 63% of men and 60% of women in the public at large told the General Social Survey, conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, that they were very happy in their marriages.

The Aleinu results are consistent with previous research indicating that couples who participate regularly in religious activities report greater marital contentment and are less likely to divorce. Still, I was surprised. While there are no official statistics, there exists an overwhelming perception in the Orthodox community that divorce rates have gone up, particularly among younger couples. The undertaking of the Aleinu survey attests to some level of worry on the part of Orthodox leaders that the sacred bonds of marriage have been weakened.

To its credit, the Orthodox Union, at a press conference last month, highlighted the top stressors to Orthodox marriages. Lack of communication, not enough time together, and conflicts with in-laws—common complaints of couples religious and not—are on the list. But also on it are special challenges, at least some of which will be familiar to people of other faiths and traditions that favor private schooling, early marriage and large families.

Major financial strain was a top complaint, even among those with above-average incomes. “Day-school tuition—we call it the Orthodox tax—is the most significant factor we’re dealing with,” says Rabbi Steven Weil, the OU’s executive vice president. This tuition, considered nonnegotiable despite its hefty price tag, ranges from $8,000 to more than $20,000 per child. “Once you have kids, you’re in for two decades worth of that added expense,” says David Pelcovitz, a psychology professor at Yeshiva University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education, who interpreted the survey results for the OU. “With large families, that’s a bulk of a person’s married life.”

Close to half of respondents cited some problems with physical intimacy and lack of […] education. “There’s something missing in the job we’re doing in conveying those values about […] to our children,” says Prof. Pelcovitz. “It’s just not talked about.” In fact, a national survey of all religious groups found that 41% of Jewish adolescents said that their congregation has done nothing to help them understand [it], a higher percentage than their peers of other faiths.

Among younger Orthodox couples, several other stress factors come into play. Birth control is highly discouraged if not banned even by Modern Orthodox rabbis during the first years of marriage. Therefore, young couples (many of whom are still in college or yeshiva and not financially independent) often become parents right away. In addition to the financial and emotional strain inherent in child rearing, research has shown that having children decreases marital satisfaction. Because many rabbis interpret the mitzvah, or commandment, to have children as being fulfilled only by having both a girl and a boy, couples often have several children in close succession.

For the 17% to 25% of Orthodox couples who struggle with infertility, not being able to have children results in significant marital conflict, says Rabbi Gideon Weitzman, director of the Puah Institute for Fertility According to Halakha. The institute receives 150 calls a day, a small number from brides in their 20s who are married for just a few months and already worried that they’re infertile. Fertility treatments often are not covered by insurance. And the effort to get pregnant when medical intervention is needed “turns intimacy from being a manifestation of love into something mechanical,” says Rabbi Weil. “When all the other young couples have two to three children . . . there’s tremendous stress.”

With all the added pressures Orthodox couples face, how is it that they report happier marriages?

Perhaps the Orthodox approach marriage with different expectations. “There’s a very strong valuing of family as the center of one’s life, which may override individual needs,” says Prof. Pelcovitz. “This probably has people weathering storms that in other couples might lead to divorce.” Despite the difficulties inherent in raising children, this family-centeredness gives couples a sense of satisfaction, says Rachel Pill, a Lawrence, N.Y., clinical social worker with a primarily Orthodox clientele. “They feel they’re part of something really important.”

Mental health professionals often advise couples to schedule a date night. For Orthodox Jews, the Sabbath “is a built-in time to reconnect with one’s spouse, without the distraction of TVs, BlackBerries or the Internet,” says Eliezer Schnall, a psychology professor at Yeshiva University. […] . “There’s a time to invest in physical contact and time to invest in the spiritual relationship between the couple,” says Rabbi Weitzman. “The Torah speaks about the union between husband and wife as a holy thing, something our Father in heaven is part of.”