33 Comments

• chutzpah

  I think a shadchan only has a right to charge the sum stipulated to begin with,I have heard stories of nice erlicher people not shadchonim ,which by the way shadchan stands for sheker doiver kesef noitel,who make shiduchim bh and then when not satisfied with the amount given say the standard rate is such and such who fixes the rate ????v

• Friends vs Matchmaker

  With the cost of everything going up, why am I suprised that a matchmaker should charge less?

  The best matchmakers are the friends of the boy and girl looking for a Shidduh. They never would charge a friend. If it works out, the newly found couple almost always buys a gift or gives money.

  I remember getting a call from a Shaddchin who was well known in our circles. He/She said to me, there is a wonderful person you must meet. I called that person to set up a date. He/She told me that I have been engaged for 2 weeks!

  I know there are good Shadchonnim, but I feel your friend would do you better than anyone else!

• shiduchim

  Go Esther Caplan!

• not a joke

  i think the shadchonim shoul have 10 year warranty !!!!

• simcha

  Crown Heights. Info fan here.
  I’ve read with interest and dismay the letters and comments written by single bochurim, girls, and shadchanim,
  as, well as concerned parents on the varied subject of marriage and shidduchim.
  I consider myself a part of the Chabad network of Chassidim, not necessarily an official “shliach” of the Rebbe, but we all do our part in an unofficial way.
  I have to say that from my experiences with the shidduch scene both as an active participant as well as now a parent, its left a lot to be desired then and unfortunately it does even more so, now.
  Crown Heights has changed, as current events and the world have changed. I wish I could say for the better but, I am not impressed with what I’ve seen there.
  I know that there are plenty who would like to pretend, and will rant and rave how you dare say such things, they aren’t true. Or those who will yawn and go back to their day to day activities, but, I am hoping to reach the individual with a conscious who really wants to make a difference, the person who notices the loneliness and upset looks on people faces and it makes them uncomfortable enough that they can’t ignore it and deep down they wonder what they can do.
  There is a major problem within the shidduch system.
  If you’re not from a shliachs family, it’s a mark against you. If you’re not geisher then that’s a mark against you. If you have any type of issue in the family that will be held against all the individuals in the family and yes it too, will be held against you as well.
  On to the process of first gathering the names of “reputable shadchanim”, then contacting them, and trying to get them to contact you.
  Then they will ask for an interview, or a profile -which is also referred to as a resume. When all that has been completed and deciding whom you can trust to give a fair reference of your personality and family has been added on, you think you’re on your way.
  You’re wrong!
  The waiting game continues.
  First they investigate if you’re someone they are going to easily connect within the chabad system.
  Or, if there are issues, and if they want to even deal with them, or you.
  Then comes the test, they suggest a name and leave out a bit of important information.
  And suggest that you call around and find out from the references what you need to know.
  They actually know the information, but they aren’t going to tell you because they know you would object immediately to it and there hoping that you will either be so desperate that you will agree or this is their way of making sure that you won’t call them again.
  Exhausting, defeating, demoralizing, and definitely could have been avoided with a little bit of good, old. plain honesty.
  No, I can’t help you. I only deal with shluchim etc…. Your situation makes it difficult to look in such and such a place or these people are only looking for …..
  Plain , tactful speaking would at least let people know where the shadchin is holding and not leave them hanging for days, weeks, months,,,,

  For every chabad family there is at least one problem with R“l, be it frumkeit or substance abuse, divorce, health issues. Everyone has their pekel.
  The shadchanim are not interested in helping, unless there is money involved and you are someone that meets the above criteria of :
  gesher. shliach, money ,or if you are willing to be matched up with whom ever they will give you with out complaining about their choices.
  The prejudice extends to the fact that even if you are able to gather names, the shadchanim won’t look into them and will ignore requests and not call or answer emails. Weeks of silence prevail and they hope the message gets through to ”get lost.“
  Does anyone really care in Lubavitch? Everyone tsks and tsks about the unmarried and unwanted and ignored ones but is anyone really trying ”their best????????”
  One night a week or month for activities for unmarried girls isn’t going to address the system. But, it is a pleasant way to spend the evening.

• simcha

  Shame on the shadchanim for not being honest, and for not giving it their best or caring to give it their best.
  Shame on the people who pretend they are interested and their feeble attempts at slapping together a shidduch.
  Shame on those who believe that there is a class system and it should be followed by in order to preserve lubavitch.
  Shame on all of us who are so wrapped up in our own lives, wants and needs that we aren’t meeting the needs of the young chabad men and women who are walking and meeting on streets in not appropriate ways the Rebbe would not endorse, or helping those young women who won’t go to that extreme to meet young men, so that they are sitting around in their basements going nowhere as far as shidduchim, and hoping that someone will take notice of them and invite them for meals and get to know who they really are and make a real shidduch suited to them, possibly the right one.
  What a difference a smile or a real concern for one of these young people would make in their lives at this point?
  Real questions about their vocation or school or how they are in general would probably be appreciated.
  Didn’t the Rebbe ask us to mentor- mashpia others who need it?
  Many feel that they have no recourse and that no one really cares and that they are being rejected by the social group that they belong to.
  I won’t even address the sinas chinim that is rampant in our circles and the labeling that a girl or boy gets because they won’t socialize on the streets or clubs and there fore there must be something chas veshalom wrong with them.
  Divorce issues have led to a lot of misinformation both, harmful and hurtful and untrue.
  This lashon hara ends up damaging not only one individual but effects entire families making it virtually impossible for members to find decent shidduchim.
  Offering someone a shidduch carelessly (without doing your homework) because you don’t really know the two people involved or really care enough to know isn’t a mitzvah – its carelessness and callousness.
  There are young men and women who are in their late 20’s and thirties and not married and many people look at them and match them up with whomever they set eyes on – well, just because he’s a guy and she’s a girl. Or the Bal teshuva that has been frum almost from birth and is matched up with another bal teshuva of a just a few years just because well, they are both bali teshuvot.
  As chabadnikim , as Jews , we are supposed to be more in tune with helping others. It’s what the Rebbe was and his message is all about.

  Yes, we have to help light up the world, but first we need to light up our own homes and our neighbor’s homes so we don’t stumble, or we won’t be able to help the world.

• EIN KEMECH EIN TORAH

  THIS IS BLACKMAIL, PAY OUTRAGIOUS FEES OR THEY WON’T LOOK FOR YOU SERIOUSLY!
  WHATS GOING ON HERE?????????????

• esther

  boy am i glad the Rebbe made our shidduch 13 years ago. the only payment we have to give is, dedication

• a neighborhood resident

  higher rates for what? for doing nothing? for lying to you? They blame you for the problems but never admit they are at fault or are not doing their job! The suckers that pay make it even worse!!!

• shadchanim deserve appritiation

  there is no resonin the world why a shadchen has to make so little there r so many shadchanim that work for hours at a time and make about 12 shiduchem a year do u know how much that = too 20,000 dollers how is somone supposed to suport a family on that besides it is not like the shadchenem have a 9 to 5 buisness day they r open 24 hours around the clock with the phones ringing off the hook i think its achutzpah that they r getting paid so little if u can pay the catere his fee and the band why shouldnt a shadchen who after all becouse of them they r getting married let them charge as much as they feel they deserve to get based on thewir work

• CSC

  The Rebbe emphasized yedid krovim — close friends. Probably anyone who with decent social skills & circle of relatives & acquaintances, especially those connected to the yeshiva environment, will probably get married even without a shadchan’s help.

• disgusted

  oy what would the rebbe say

• Response to Simcha

  You make a number of very valid points, there is one small detail that I must point out however. I was quite amused to hear that people refuse a family who is not a shlichus. My experience is quite the opposite, I have heard so many no’s to myself and others b/c “we’ll the parents are shluchim and… they will want to move away/they probably don’t have money/my kid is good enough, they deserve someone local/ my kid is too young we aren’t looking at out-of-towners yet!” I guess the only way around it is, have parents who are shluchim in the tri-state area and who also run a successful business on the side. I have come to the conclusion that I have been saved from wasting time going out with allot of people I’m not supposed to marry. Since these are not facts I can change – I must be supposed to marry someone who will not consider my life circumstances as a problem – I know these people are not for me.

• Who knew?

  Whenever I meet my shadchen I tell her “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

• to the woman who would call me a sucker

  to the woman who thinks that im a sucker for paying my shachen boy do i have a story for you my shadchen worked for hours helping me i am a divorced woman with no yichus no money and my doughter was after all only 29 she set her up four time this year and didnt take a penny !!!!!!!!!!! you can be sure that when my doughter finally got engaged i gave her alot more then she ever dreamed of shadchanim work hard and im sorry that you didnt have a positve expeirnce but u have a NERV LABELING SHADCHANIM THAT WAY

• rochel

  cut out on the flowers and other non essentials. shatchonim spend countless hours working on shidduchim of which many don’t turn out. how do you expect them to coninue to do this vital work. we have to be grateful that there are people out there willling to stick their necks out to help make more shidduchim happen in such a shidduch crisis. perhaps some appreciation for their roles in the kehillah would be more approriate than just some bashing …again…of another segment of OUR OWN KEHILLAHS!!

• !?

  Is my father the only devoted shadchan?!?! I don’t know about the rest of them, but i know that my father talks to the boys, the girls, and the parents for so long…..helping them out, every step of the way and beyond!!!!!!!!! He speaks to the unmarried ones about all their issues, helping them understand what’s going on and figuring out their mixed emotions……. i would say that the extend he does it, is so overboard… hours and hours till they are fine………. is my father the only one?!?!?!?!!?!??! does it really not exist?

  it must! because i also have a bunch of married siblings ka”h, and shadchanim were involved…. more than 7….

  • ?!

    How do I contact your father?

• Pay the Shadchan

  I once read an article in Horizons Magazine in the Shadchan’s wife section who said her husband made a number of Shiduchim.
  In 3 cases where the person did not pay the shadchan(i don’t think the shadchan demanded or even requested)1 couple either the husband or wife became very sick with a serious illness. Another couple didn’t have children and were married for many years. 1 couple got divorced.

• M.B.

  it is obvious an Article such as this one (which came from YNET, not your very typical frum source) would induce alot of comments against Shadchanim.
  I would like to make a few points;
  1. Loshon Horah is a Mitzva in the Torah, and we know all well the Ma’amarie Chazal about LH, talking about Shdchanim in this way is LH, Motzie Shem Rah and Rechilus all in one.
  2. In my own personal experience, i dealt with one of the more well known Shadchnim on Lubavitch. I must say my experience was very good, and i thank him for the happy life i have right now.
  I wish all Shadchanim much Hatzlach and Brochos in their holy work, after all, Hashem is also a Shadchan.

• simcha

  Responding to “response to Simcha”
  you are a novelty then!

• sunshine

  You should always pay the shadchan, extremely important!
  Also, very important issue that affects a marriage- if a person was engaged before to someone else and broke the engagement doesn’t matter who broke the engagement- they should ask mechila from one another and give brochos to each for happiness. This really can affect the marriage,children etc.

• sunshine

  MB- U ARE ONE PERSON OUT OF HOW MANY????
  Its very selfcentered of you to self rightiously sit in judgement of people who haven’t had your luck in dealing with them. Like it says: You can’t judge a person until you walk in their shoes.
  good luck with all your back patting!

• NF

  My wife just was a shadchan this week for a Shiduch and both sides kindly paid 1000.00 each

  If shadchanin dont get paid them they will not be interested, do you know how much time goes into a shiduch and how many dont work and many time is invested just to get to 1st base and start a shiduch….

  I think that if you want you kids married pay up!!!

• bracha

  Shalom to all seeking happiness!
  Is only one shadchan
  THE ONE ABOVE
  we are only gabaim with our haven given personality and talents,each one has the obligation to help .
  Start today!!!!!!!!!
  don’t listen to horror stories
  bracha

• many have positve expeirences

  i am positivly sure that many many many people have positve expeirences with shaschanim i am a girl of 23 and me and all my many friends are very grateful to all the shadchomnim who spend countless hours helping us

• shidduchim should be FREE.

  IT IS A CHUTZPAH SHADCHANIM WANT MONEY ALLTOGETHER, if they are given a gift later they should say thank you & it is enough,
  especially the fact that most “shadchanim” are nosy yenta bitches by nature that just enjoy the shushtalk of knowing who is what & who,,,,,,,,,, (that is a big damage) so now who has to pay who money?

  who could tell me i am not right

• A B Chicago

  Rabbi Glukowsky stated clearly that the halacha is to pay the going rate to whomever the shadchan happens to be, regardless of whether they are full-time professional shadchanim. Unless they are mochel. How much to pay and under what circumstances is a halachic shailah — not a matter of personal opinion. Ask your local Orthodox rabbi.

• did the research

  Anyone who considers shadchanim liars should do a little research on the origins of the position of shadchan. There may be allowances in halacha for amending details such as someone’s age in order to get the couple to meet. Shadchanim historically have always been liars and that is how they plied their trade. Their white lies and blatant exaggerations were responsible for many generations of marriages.
  Shidduchim should be compared to selling real estate. The agent representing the seller must show the property to numerous people and spend hours promoting it until a buyer comes along. The same is true of shidduchim. Even when lying, it is an honest way to make money.
  The poster who feels that shidduchim should be free should stick to singles websites and singles mixer events.

• options

  BS”D

  I agree with M.B. that it is definitely not a mitzvah
  to speak loshon hara, etc. I would add that instead
  of complaints, how about offering some solutions.

  On another note, why complain about paying shadchanim —
  they offer services just like any other professional
  such as lawyers or doctors. No one has aired any complaints about
  their fees. When someone is in trouble or not well, they certainly
  do not hesitate to hire the best attorney or physician. We do not
  hear the general public making a commotion about their fees.
  Why should shadchanim be any different? Is it because a shadchan
  does not have a degree? Then what about photographers, contractors,
  etc.?

  Finally for those who think that shadchanus should be free,
  I suggest that we set up a non-profit shadchanus organization
  such as Binyan Olam in Yerushalaim which does not charge any
  fees and has a data base of about 6,000 names serving the Chareide
  community.

• Pratical solution: Singles events 4 24+

  G-d designed the best shidduch system. He created us in a way that men and women would be dranw to each other, and this is how it worked for 1000s of years. Recently frummer people who try to deny this system keep the genders separate and have to create a problematic. And virtually defunct shadchan system to keep them together.
  I understand why we keep teenagers separate. But how about having singles above a certain age (say 24) mingle together — this was done in previous genrations as well. Its about time we stop tinkering with hashems designs whie ruining lives in the process

• Bubby

  Shadchonim have a difficult job. They do try their best but we, as parents, also expect a lot from them. Yes, we need D’syata D’shmaya! We also need the Shadchonim to be honest with us as we are with them. We need them to call us back within 12hrs with ‘how everything is going or not going’. And… not to give up on the girl/boy if one Shidduch suggestion doesn’t work. And… not to say, I’m busy and I’m on the treadmill etc call back later. One minute later could feel like an hour for a family waiting to hear of a Shidduch. Following all this in mind… Yes, they do deserve the money.

• Edelalex

  Rav Kreiswirth, Rav of Antwerp till his petire about 8 years ago, once said, whilst purchasing an Esrog, that he wants to buy the Esrog with kosher money and he will use for this purpose money he had received in lieu of shadchonus.