Hungry To Be Heard – Eating Disorders In The Frum Community
Many young women in the frum Jewish community are well aware of the pressures that exist for them in today’s society. The shidduch world oftentimes has potential mates asking about body size before character. Choosing between full-time work, being a stay-at-home mother, or a combination of the two roles can drive the sanest to second-guess themselves. And, as wonderful as living among other Jews in a tight-knit community is, it also leaves little room for errors in religious observance.
All these pressures have been cited as reasons for the increase of eating disorders among young Orthodox women. Not many of us make it a mission to actively try and stem the tide of rising rates of anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders. Luckily, Elisheva Diamond is forcing us to do something about it: her new film, Hungry to be Heard, is an absorbing documentary that forces us to confront the issue head-on.
Diamond, a former resident of the Five Towns, served as executive producer. She originally got the idea for the project three years ago, after observing what she calls a lack of awareness on the part of parents. “I would watch these very educated and intelligent parents just be totally clueless when it came to recognizing signs of eating disorders and disordered eating,” says Diamond. “If they just had more information, perhaps the phenomenon of adolescents struggling with those things wouldn’t have become so widespread.”
Diamond also discusses another reason which she feels contributed to the increase of these disorders in the community: Body development is not something that is really discussed, especially in the more “right wing” schools; this only contributes to a sense of shame and chagrin when a youngster’s body begins transforming into that of an adult.
As a member of the Orthodox Union’s Young Leadership Cabinet, Diamond broached the topic of the film with the organization’s higher-ups for initial funding. The idea was given the green light, and she quickly began raising the rest of the funds for the project through parlor meetings and contacting various mental-health professionals as well as former and current eating-disordered patients to appear in the film.
Among the cadre of professionals she communicated with was Sarah L. Weinberger-Litman, a health psychologist who recently earned a Ph.D. from the CUNY Graduate Center. Weinberger-Litman, who became one of the film’s producers, explains, “I was so intrigued by what Elisheva was trying to do that I quickly became involved in all aspects of the project.”
Together, Diamond and Weinberger-Litman have recruited an impressive roster of health professionals and rabbinic authorities to address the various medical, psychological, and halachic issues involved. They include Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb of the OU, Rabbi Steven Burg of NCSY, and Dr. Judith Rukay Rabinor, a renowned psychologist. Their interviews are intermingled with accounts from eating-disordered patients, both those who have recovered and those still struggling. Some footage was filmed at the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia, one of the most prestigious and well-known treatment centers for eating disorders, where the staff graciously welcomed Diamond and Weinberger-Litman.
Diamond treated her subjects with the utmost sensitivity. In the film, many of them remain nameless, and their faces appear blurred—but not Aliza Stareshefsky’s. A former patient who lives in Passaic, N.J., Stareshefsky’s name and face have been made public in the film. Currently the director of student programming at a girl’s high school in New Jersey, Stareshefsky is candid and frank in her assessment of the situation.
“When Elisheva called me, quite frankly, I was pretty skeptical that it would actually happen,” says Stareshefsky. “Thankfully, I was wrong. I think it is due time that the Jewish community take some responsibility for educating its members about such an important issue.” Stareshefsky was asked to speak about her eating disorder and recovery at a local school some ten years ago, and since then she has been asked to speak at various yeshivas and Jewish day schools across the country. “It was a little hard for me to speak about my experience before an audience at first, but actually, a lot of my healing came from speaking publicly about it. As a survivor, I need to be a voice for change and give others hope that they, too, can get past this to live a full and healthy life.” Diamond echoes Stareshefsky’s sentiment: “A lot of the people who shared their stories actually told me that participating in the film was a healing experience for them,” she said.
Diamond’s film isn’t only for all-girls yeshivas; she, along with Litman and Stareshefsky, believe speaking to boys about the issues is imperative as well. Stareshefsky, who has been asked to speak to a male audience at Yeshiva University in February, comments, “It’s important to make males aware of the issues involved, because they might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Additionally, many of them have sisters, wives, and friends who are affected by the issues, so they, too, should have the tools to recognize a potential problem when it exists.”
Though the 40-minute film had its first showing at the OU Convention in Jerusalem in November, the film’s official premiere will take place in New York on Saturday night, January 10, at the Manhattan Jewish Experience. Diamond and Weinberger-Litman are going all out for the event, and have scheduled a Q&A panel following the screening, along with a champagne reception at 8:30 p.m. Doors open at 8:00 p.m.
Rabbi Weinreb, executive vice-president of the OU and a clinical psychologist, explained, “Eating disorders are, unfortunately, a prevalent problem in the Orthodox Jewish community, affecting mostly teenage women. It is one of the few psychiatric disorders affecting adolescents that carries a threat to life. As such, it is extremely important that our community address the problem at its roots and learn how to prevent and treat it. I viewed the film at the OU National Convention, and was impressed by its professionalism, poignancy, and power. Hopefully, it will take our community one step further to confronting and solving the issue head-on.”
“Something consistent that almost every patient stated was that they felt no one was listening to them or hearing what they had to say—which is where the title of the film came in,” says Diamond. “We didn’t just pick the title of the film to be cute or cheeky,” explains Weinberger-Litman, “but because we really feel we are giving a voice to this epidemic and to the people who are its victims.”
Both Diamond and Weinberger-Litman say their understanding and knowledge of eating disorders, and the issues that come along with them, have become much more sophisticated as a result of their journey towards completing the film. The duo plan to distribute DVDs of the film, at little or no cost, to schools and synagogues in an effort to get their message spread.
Diamond comments, “It might be true that your own child won’t develop an eating disorder, but as a community member, isn’t it incumbent upon you to know the signs so you can recognize it in a friend’s child?”
jewliette
BS”D
the Manhattan Jewish Experience doesnt have any information about the event.
Please clarify venue, time, date etc. with contact information.
much appreciated, and yesher koach to the producers!
glad to see something is being done
Part of the problem is the overabundance of high calorie food. A person who is trying to be a healthy weight is bombarded with unhealthy food and must find ways to have the self control to eat what is necessary and not more. Someone with an eating disorder tries to control their eating in unhealthy ways. While the shidduch situation appears to be getting the blame, it seems that anorexia often appears years before a shidduch would be desired or sometimes occurs in women who are already married. It may be that parents need to reign in the food situation when their kids are small and not overfeed them and at the same time not be overly strict about treats. Sometimes there is a weight problem in a young child that causes the child to feel self-conscious. I wonder if that could eventually cause an eating disorder in adolescence.
WIshful Thinking
I hope they play this film for all the girls yeshivas.
mother of many girls
This should be shown in EVERY girl’s highschool no matter what the affiliation. It is a disease that is swept under the rug and it needs to be confronted and dealt with now.
Mother
I have a beautiful daughter, 15, who has an eating problem. She is very slim yet she thinks she is fat and eats too much when she hardly eats!! As a mother I feel so helpless. When I see her eat -I don’t care what itis I am so happy to see her eat something- I don’t make any comments about food but often have to reassure her that Hashem has given her a naturally slim figure and that she is not “fat”. She is getting some professional help but I don’t always know when she does the sicking she hides it really well and sometimes it’s when she is upset in school. I feel alone in community to speak to anyone about this as it will be a stigma on my daughter. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m saying the right or wrong thing. I have no guidance how to deal with this situation so when I saw this article it’s just complete Hashgocha protis and I would love to speak to one or all of the women involved especially Aliza. Please could you email a contact information I would be so grateful and it makes you realise you’re not alone.
A mother
Roses
I hope this terrible disease, and it is fatal, will finally be openly discussed, explained and treated in the broad spectrum of the frum community. Liberating a topic from guilt-producing secrecy is a wonderful first step.
I must add that one (there are many) cause for the exponential growth of this psychological problem in our communities is the focus on physical beauty only (even before money) in the shidduch scene. Every girl has to be a size 2, certainly not above 6 at worst. Yes,looks count, but right now it’s become obscene that yeshiva boys who are learning (or say they are) are so obssessed by physicality. Do middos, hashkafos, being a good mother, intelligence, humor override 3 excess pounds? Not in our world. Love comes in many different shapes. And remember your size 2 kallah can turn into a 22 in a few years, while the authentic assets remain forever.
Wishing healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually to all of Klal Yisroel and a Freilichen Chanukah.
Silent Suffering
Eating disorders are only one of many more disorders which hide behind the closed doors of our homes and families. We do our utmost to make the world a better place by making hachlotos and learning and davening and everything but those in need of help amongst our own remain in the dark.
Been there
To a mother:
If you are in Crown Heights, please call Dr. Rosen’s office and they have the name and number of an excellent doctor who specializes in eating disorders. He saved my daughter’s life!!
gertie
Loose pounds people!
post sem girl
i totally agree with roses, the focus on physical beauty is obsessive and not realistic. all males out there should know the problems that this causes. so its a great article exposing key things that need to be made aware to ppl.
but all females out there: DO NOT be pressured by other people to look a certain way, be happy in the skin you’re in. if you want to be healthy find out more about what you’re healthy weight should be.. and if you are a proper weight, but dont feel good about your body, sign up to a women’s gym and get fit!! it will change your way you view your body.
you should loooove youself!!
i jsut love saying it:
LOVE THE SKIN YOU’RE IN!
rs
to mother:
renfrew is supposed to be a good place for recovery.
they also have suggestion of books.
a point about eating disorders, is that it is a control issue – to the point if you can imagine holding onto a rock in the middle of a raging river. the rock is the means of survival.
it really is literally this.
one other thing, i have heard that visualization is a powerful tool to heal from this.
if you think about it, it is one of the only things that can get safely inside someone’s fears – as they monitor and control the visualization in order to get to a safer place.
i hope this helps.
also support groups are immensely helpful, please don’t go through this on your own. you need the support so you can be her anchor.
Still in the mix
I don’t think recognizing the signs helps very much. Yes, it helps to know there is a problem but there is no place to turn. Often those with eating issues have other important, undealt with issues. Going to a therapist/psychologist in this or any other frum community is practically out of the question if you want to keep your and your family’s names clean. There is also little funding for the many in the community that do have such a disorder and canot afford it. Most places do not take insurance! Maybe in addition to raising awareness, create a place to go for help as well. Perhaps and anonymous donor/receiver line where those who need can go and those who want to help can do so as well.
Friend
Anorexia is a topic that it “swept under the rug”, to quote. People need to acknowledge that it really happens- and i think this film is good because it will show parents that “Yes, it really can happen to your kid.” I’ve seen parents that just refuse to believe that their kids are not eating, no matter how many people tell them- theres such denial. Yes, it happens, and thank you for giving up ways to help them through it!
therapist/food issues
First of all the focus on food is totally missing what the illness is about.How do I know?I used to work on an adolescent unit and eating disorder patients were being treated.It has a lot to do with control and somehow these girls want something they can control even to an obsessive point.There ARE psych. issues that must be addressed so the food and dieting are the last things the therapists wanted to talk about.These girls know all about calories and nutrition but have an obsessive fear of gaining wt.sometimes they have overweight parents.sometimes not.Many of the girls were from high pressured families where there were certain expectations.One therapist said that in poor families most kids are unconditionally accepted-everything was good enough.In higher eco families there were always certain expectations.We saw many “perfect” girls- inside they were far from it.They had lots of rage that could never be expressed.I am saying these were some of the issues and if you are focusing on what they eat-it becomes a huge power struggle and they always win!They can, trust me.They know all the tricks.So yes, I think specialists in the field should be sought bec these girls can be very manipulative and it becomes a deadly game.Yes there is denial and parents do not want to admit they have ill children-and it is NOT a phys prob only.They have serious psych. and emotional problems which no one wants to address or acknowledge-so it’s easier to focus on food.That is the last thing needed.Our therapists wd not listen to any food topics by the girls- that was just a symptom of their thought processes which were problematic.
Sara
Another point people should not ignore is the spiritual aspect. If someone has an eating disorder, mezuzot should be checked etc. Those things really do have an affect. Also many eating disorders happen as a result of other subconscious issues such as anger towards a parent, feeling overwhelmed by an overpowerful parent, etc. etc. There are many aspects, spiritual, psychological and physical and all have to be addressed.
don-t understand
can sara pls explain what a mezzuzah has to do with an eating disorder. No I am not trying to be confrontational but I don’t see how a mezzuzah is involved? Many of the girls are frum and come from frum backgrounds and mezzuzahs get checked etc. These things still occur.Are u saying it occurs bec families don’t check mezzuzahs? Spiritual issues I can understand but many families try very hard to focus on spiritual needs and try to put Gd into everything-and rightly so.But the girls continue to lose wt so obviously…..I understand bringing in the spiritual-I can see that but I want to know how mezzuzas being checked has a great impact/ pls just explain and don’t chastise me for not understanding something.I wd like to understand why you wrote that.
Blumah Wineberg
B”H
Checking the mezuzot in one’s home is not only for the uninitiated. In many cases when there was some form of illness, the Rebbe would suggest to check the mezuzot and tefillin. At other times, he would suggest the women/girls give tzedoko before lighting the Shabbat candles.
Everything in our lives is connected body/soul. This means that when something is happening in the physical realm, it can improve and even be eliminated by correcting something in the spiritual realm.
Chanukah is a perfect example. The Jewish people by returning to Hashem were able to win a war that was unmatched physically as we say in our prayers – ‘rabim beyad meatim’. This lesson also applies in our daily lives.
I hope this help to clarify the point above.
confused
ok- thank you Ms Wineberg for clarification.
priorities
“Going to a therapist/psychologist in this or any other frum community is practically out of the question if you want to keep your and your family’s names clean.”
This statement makes a lot of sense. It’s definitely better that you let your child die rather than go see a therapist chas veshalom. You’re absolutely right. Thank you for making sure we all have our priorities straight.
ED sufferer
Thanks. I am sad but very glad that ED’s are becoming recognised as affecting the Jewish Community as well… and although this article doesn’t say it, ALSO lubavitchers…. it’s not just ‘them’ but ‘us’ as well.
As a 22 year old, non married but please G-d, will be soon, I have had my fair share and continue to struggle with eating on a daily basis. But to just describe what I have gone through, and what other Lubavitch girls could be going through behind closed doors: Please take this to heart, and this is true:
I became anorexic at the age of 13, and suffered from this for about 3-4 years, before becoming bulimic for another 3-4 years. For the past four or so years I have done a balancing act between compulsive overeating and bulimia. I can tell you it is not fun. I have been on anti depressants, and I was hospitalised for 12 weeks about 3 years ago. Thank G-d, I am slowly recovering, but it is a long road. The worst is that my parents tried to support me, but htey could never understand, because ‘this just doesn’t happen in our community’. Of course, if I had bitachon, etc, etc, etc, but remember, my ED became serious when I was 13 – I was a young girl!! And it had its beginnings from as far back as I remember!!!!
Thank G-d, the hard road is behind me, but life is still a struggle. Certainly one woman mentioned high calorie food – and this is definitely a problem, eating a slice of challa can lead me to a binge which can set me back weeks and weeks as I try to overcome the urge to purge and binge.
Obviously, I am in the extreme, but you never know how far it will get. And you don’t want it to get to the extreme, so take as much precaution as you can, take care of your kids!!! But most importantly, it’s NOT about the food, so stop acting like it is and get angry because your child is/is not eating… think about what is causing them to act this way – are you giving them enough love? attentioon? Are you working too hard and neglecting your kids?? Etc, etc. But remember your kids are the most important thing and do whatever you can to help them.