46 Comments

• HUH???

  I was bored & confused after the first 2 paragraphs. I don’t get it. What’s he trying to say? It just seems like it’s same old, same old – lots of talk, some finger pointing, , no solution. The writer maybe should get a real job. What a waste of time.

• concerned mother

  I think we are not giving our children enough yiras shamayim.
  they don’t need more love but boundries. Also the parents are
  doing what they want and the kids will too.

• cher

  what do you guys expect of our children. we teach them about chassidus and then we take take the rebbe out of the picture. we deny the rebb’s nesius deny that the rebbe is moshiach. so if we dont listen the the rebbe and to torah than why should our children listen. take a look around ch. all of the frum teenagers are in 770

• yoyo

  wow! nice.
  I heard R’ Gancz speak the other night in oholei torah, and i’m far from being the most tznius person etc. , but he had a true point— forget about the people who are for ex- untznius, it is our problem that they are not embarassed to walk down the street like that. what is wrong with allof us that we have come to accept it?
  Another thing that got me thinking— I know that most of the modern young generation holds the money, still—- if the yeshivos and all the girls schools came together and said— we will not accept your child if 1. mother doesn’t cover hair properly and b. father touches beard,
  it will put these people against the wall.
  It can only be done in this way, through the school systems, I see no other solution. .
  schools, enough of looking up to the money, I understand we need money to make things go round, but think about it, if you have people forced to do other than shaving beards/ not getting their children accepted to the school, it will be a much more chassidish environment for the kids, it will be easier to be mechanech them and hopefully lead to a more chassidish community.
  I couldn’t care less about chassidish— but halachos must be followed.

• David

  Why wasn’t this dribble signed by an author?

• A parent

  Well written and well thought out. Rather than getting ourselves hot and bothered by the election results we should be thinking about what is really important – our children.

  While I don’t necessarily agree with everything the author says I think that this should be required reading for every parent. At least think about the points here and see what applies to yourself and/or your children.

• Inside looking In

  This is all over the map! What is the point here? Is this an attempt to organize the problems of our youth? Perhaps the author should have listed the problems in alphabetical order for easy reference!

  Not to minimize the very real issues laid out above, I just fail to see what the author is attempting to do.

  I guess at the least, she/he has opened a window to the CH “sub-culture.” Good reading for those who are a little oblivious to what goes on around here

• Concerned Activist and Member of Anash

  Me and my wife have devoted our lives to helping at-risk teens. What I’ve found is that there are no “quick fix” solutions. As this writer pointed out, what they crave is ATTENTION. The nisyonos are many yet we still reserve the right to demand the best of our kids.

  If we are at all interested to solve this problem it takes practical steps to do so.

  Let me suggest some. (primarily directed at parents)

  1) Get over your ego first.
  If you are interested in what is better for you instead of what is better for them, you will lose them, guaranteed!

  2)If you take something from them, replace it with something!
  If you want to stop their anti-social behavior, find out what caused it in the first place and what need it feels for them and find another way to fill that need.
  E.g. most kids who get involved in anti-social behavior (language, dress, music, movies, girls, alcohol, drugs etc.) fail in school. They need to have their learning disabilities treated. It is normal for a kid to be distracted by Olam Hazeh and develop ADD, treat it! How many parents lose their kids R“L because they are too ashamed to put them on Ritalin. If the kid is getting involved in these types of behaviors for attention, give him or her the attention, love, nurture and patience they deserve. It is unfair to bring them into this world and then leave them crippled to deal with it on their own. They need your help. They need your attention. In every situation the needs are different, make sure their needs are identified and dealt with. Deal with issues as if they are medical emergencies, because before you know it, it could R”L become one.

  3) Make sure that they have someone who cares about them and gives them the time of day to let them talk themselves out. It is normal for a kid to feel uncomfortable to talk to you, find someone you trust that cares about them to talk to them. And very important, don’t make that person report back to you, the kids feels betrayed when they tell someone something in confidence and the parents find out. In addition, it puts the person who is trying to help in a catch 22 situation.

  4)Give them an environment that they feel comfortable in and is conducive to their change for the better. The biggest challenge for kids that want to improve is coming to terms with peer pressure. Make them feel comfortable at home. Make your home a place where it is cool to be frum and chassidish.

  5) Demand the best from them, but don’t expect it. Not all kids turn out the same. It is not worth your while to have your false expectations get in the way of finding the best way to help your kid. Many kids rebel because they don’t feel they can live up to their parents unreasonable expectations. Your kid wants to be good, he or she has a Yetzer Harah, help them to overcome it instead of becoming its excuse for it to overcome them. Remember, you can only do your best, trust Hashem to do the rest!

• me

  ok so the suggestion abt learning and explaining these things to your kids wheather it’s music boys or whatever doesn’t work b/c if someone wants to do it they’ll do it anyways even though they know and i’m saying this cuz our teacher and parents spoke to us but it didn’t work i’ve seen it in many families…

• too long

  I found this article extremely long winded and with not much solution. You could have said what you wanted in a third of the article. I also think you didn’t tell parent much more than they already knew.

• great article!

  i think this article is amazing however…

  It says: “Instead of just saying “It isn’t good, so don’t do it” we should give them the why. There are things in life that have to be believed without knowing a reason, but this is not one of them. If they knew the reason, maybe they would have stopped to think before they got themselves into trouble.”

  No where does it say the ‘why’! what are we supposed to tell our children when we find out they are doing such things? what should we say so that they will listen and truly understand how bad it is?

• YIDDISHE MAMA

  I AM SURPRISED THAT NO WHERE IN THE ARTICLE WAS MENTIONED THE NEED FOR PARENTS, TEACHERS ETC TO EXPRESS THEIR LOVE TO TEENAGERS. LOVE TOUGH WORKS BETTER THAN TOUGH LOVE!!!

• YC

  This issue has plagued many within the close knit orthodox circles, why is that some young adults break away from the lifestyle and traditions of their families and communities?
  Perhaps one of the main reasons for why our youth leave the fold besides peer pressure and the like, is distracted parenting. Distracted parenting isn’t necessarily due to both parents having jobs and subsequently there being no time for their children. Perhaps parents of religious youth more often than not automatically think their children will grow up within the fold for why not. So they let them fend for themselves, yet what they miscalculate is that just because they are in an inner circle doesn’t mean they will be sheltered. Time and effort on the parents behalf is not essential its a must. Contrary to parents belief children are protégés of their parents, what happens in the home is what a child grows up with. If he was brought up in a messy home where tidiness was never considered to be a must, you would find that, more often than not this is a character trait he will retain. If this is so with regards to the physical side of their lives, how much more so the spiritual aspect of it. Parents today are distracted, care and concern for our children isn’t enough, we have to be their role model their hero. We have to raise the bar and make ourselves something our children would want to emulate.

• Open Your Eyes

  To the author of this rant: you fail to take into account human nature and the changing hormones in teenagers. The bottom line is that many of the behaviors you take issue with are perfectly normal in pubescent teenagers and cannot be suppressed without repercussions. An example of your warped thinking is where you discuss girls with low self-esteem turning to boys for attention. YOU MUST understand that open communication between the two sexes in perfectly natural and healthy. The fact that this is taking place has less to do with teenagers with low self-esteem and more to do with the fact that this is how the brain is wired.
  I grant you the fact that such behavior may be considered inappropriate among certain circles, however you must understand that this is human nature and is thus perfectly healthy.

• Been throught that

  This article is unbelievable!!! I am at the end of my teenage years now and I must say I agree with every single thing written here! Yasher Koach!

• Teenage girl

  Very well put but i do have a few things to say.
  How the hell are we teenagers supposed to know the rights and wrongs about boys, tznius, alcohol etc. if all our teachers and mechanchim refuse to talk about such topics in the class room and we never learn!? How are we supposed to stop doing any of these things if we were never taught why it was wrong? And how can our parents then go and blame us?
  I just don’t understand the whole system. Okay, once upon a time, most of these things were unheard of and therefore weren’t discussed but it’s time people woke up and understood the seriousness of the situation.
  Most teenagers aren’t rebelling to hurt their parents. They’re doing it because they are bored or want attention.
  We need guidance and love. We need our teachers at school, whether it be Bnos Menachem or Bais Rivkah, to stop avoiding the subject because believe it or not. we want to learn.
  And instead of just telling us not to do it, tell us why.

• Confused

  Very nicely written. But if you read what it actually says, you come away with absolutely no more information than you had before reading this article. Instead of writing “oysios poirchois” (fleeting words) that dont leave the reader with any solution, (not in the reasons for the rebellions, or for explaining to our children the problem with some of their actions) write some sort of idea as to how to deal with this problem in an effective way. It doesnt matter whether the solution is fool proof or not, some idea would help lots of people. and by the way the problem is way worse than most of your readers are aware. I just hope that something is accomplished soon to rectify this dastardly situation that has come to be. If the Rebbe was still with us b’gashmius these problems would be on a much smailler scale. but unfortunately there is no direction for chabad chassidim, and the youth of today feel like no one (not their parents, not their teachers, not their rabbonim) can tell them what to do. May Hashem bring Moshiach Now so that everyone will come to know godliness and they will act accordingly.

• Jurna

  First paragraph is a good question. Article is wayyy too long!

• Zak

  You have some very good points.

  However, I’m not so thrilled with you portraying the boys as the villains who “pray on our little innocent girls”.

• A girl

  Why is this only about how everything is the girls’ fault?

• marty

  Mr. Op Ed.

  With all due respect, to your thoughtful solution and releazation of theis monumental problem. there is one major differnce between “then” and “now”.

  When i was a teenager (only about 15 years ago) there were also “rebels” teens at risk.

  the difernce is there was authority. A Rov was person you repected and listened to, wehther your agreed with him or not, yes there were differnces but there was and adherence that we do listen to the authorities who are there in the name of halacha and torah.

  unfortunatley in today’s chabad ther is none of the above each person shoud he not like the opinon of a rov, teacher , principal, whoever, will either open thier own school, make their own rov, or put out a pashkvill against the person they disagree with, aor resent for whatever stupid reason it is.

  When rabbonim stand in public or write letters supporting mecharcheri riv, pashkvilln and gossip makers. when rabbonim bash each other, what shoud the inoccent Teen say. “and your going to tell me what torah, chassidus says?
  when the shabbos table discussion is about who’s next on the hit list and gossip about this chossid or rov, why should they repect torah, chassidus and halacha.

  Tznius is not only dress, its the self respect we give to lubavitch , our rabbonim and educators, instead of keeping them the lowest common denominator, let us give respect to authority and let those in the high seats bend down and start talking to each other and it will trickle dow to the teenager on the street.

• What-s the point of this op-ed?

  You’ve done a really nice job of outlining the problems of which we are all aware, but you are very vague in suggesting a solution. A parent with a struggling teenager does not walk away from your article with much more than he or she had before they read it.

  You mention tragedy, low self esteem , and peer pressure as the three big reasons for teenagers losing their faith. I don’t know how you picked those in particular; were they based on your opinion or do you have some other basis for your suggestion? I’m not implying that they are not contributing issues, but what about poor parenting, lack of adult role models (parents teachers, rabbis, community leaders), and unqualified educators?

  My point is that if you are going to write a piece like this, you ought to think the issue through to the point where you can provide some suggestion about what concrete steps people can take to start resolving the problems they are having with their child.

• mendy

  Thank you to the author of this op-ed, and thank you crownheights.info for making this available to us!

• old soul

  as a teenager who has dealt with many of the above things listed, and felt the way that the writer is speaking of, i can tell u with certainty that they are 100% right.

  however parents dont get the wrong idea, punishing and enforcing stricter rules is NOT going to repair a broken relationship with your child, its NOT going to protect them from encountering the above mentioned things.

  however what might work is understanding, relating to your child.
  what might work is appreciation. appreciate the little things, acknowledge, compliment and give credit for the ‘given’ things. dont take anything for granted!

  change ur attitude, dont focus on the bad, concentrate on the good,instead of discipline discipline discipline which only encourages hate and anger bring out their potential. make them feel worth it.
  a little bit of love and care works miracles.
  its a slow and gradual process… but it works.

  chap arayn parents. get with the program.

• Consider this please

  If I may add, what might be a contibuting factor to kids going off the derech, is the principal, teacher, etc. that does not know how to deal with a child that is not mainstream. The kid is different than the rest. The educator is still part of the yeshiva system year after year but they themselves are not educated in dealing with children in a positive way. So, they demoralize the kid, talk loshon hora about the kid, tell you to find another yeshiva for the kid, you get my point. OH BUT WAIT!!!!!! It is not to late. What about an upgrade? What about after years and years of the same demoralization and verbal abuse from the educator (it is no secret!) we demand something better. No more primitive approach! The alternative yeshivas and schools are starting to get it. What about the “mainstream” yeshivas?

• Tzniyus!

  I dress the way I do because that is more comfortable. Don’t tell me that low neck lines aren’t appropriate. How did your bubbe dress? Yes, look at the videos, the early years and other films of how Lubavitch women have dressed and covered their hair in bygone generations, not very different. Yet, in the 80’s some have become meshuga with turning crown heights into some muslim kind of neighborhood where if you eyes are uncovered you’ve just committed the gravest of sins. This craziness of exaggerating the laws of tzniyus must stop. Our great ancestors weren;t muslim and didn’t cover themselves from head to toe, so please stop insisting that that’s what we must do, because us girls won’t tolerate that anymore.

• sa

  “Boys. One of the biggest problems in the Frum world. Why did you do this? We ask our children. Do you really think that they care for you as a person?”

  D you ever wonder how telling your children this will efect them when the time comes for them to get married.

  One day all boys (or girls) are evil,

  the next you have to marry one.

• To tzniyus

  No one is asking anyone to cover themselves from head to toe. Of course it’s hard to be tznius but so are many other things in yiddishkeit. We are Jews, we don’t do anything because it is comfortable for us. There are guide lines to how a girl is suppose to dress and it wasn’t made by people who didn’t know what they were talking about.
  I think the problem is that looking good became so many people’s priority, and the priority of torah sort of got pushed aside. Of course looking nice is important but it should never override halachos, they are after all there for our own good.

• chana grossman edgware england

  i would like to make a suggestion if you look at most at risk children you will see they have un diagnose or diagnose difficulties for example adhd dyslexic dyspraxic etc and they can,t sit still always told to be quiet well they should be more hands on things for these kids e.g computers wood work lessons which will make there self esteem great which will then make the child feel happy and want to make there parnets etc happy look at the individual child not at siblings each child needs something different different school social life also don,t judge another family till your in that boat good luck what ever you decide to do your not on your own

• AMAZING!

  “This Op-Ed reflects the views of its author. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CrownHeights.info nor of its Editors.”

  THIS REFLECTS THE VIEW OF ITS AUTHOR. CLEARLY SOMEONE IS SPEAKING UP WITHOUT SAYING TO MUCH (REGARDING THE ISSUE) AND WANTS TOGET A POINT ACCROSS. THIS IS A SITE THAT OFFORS YOU THE CHOICE TO READ. IF IT DOESNT APPLY TO YOU, OR YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SAY ITS RUBBISH THEN DISREGAURD IT PLEASE. DONT RUIN IT FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO CAN LEARN FROM THIS.

• Miriam Marks

  AS a parent of a at risk teen I can tell you the problem stems from the yeshiva. The yeshiva does not know how to deal with students who learn “outside the box”. Their answer is to medicate the child. Yeshivas do not hire rebbiem with any experience of teaching such as university degree or ceertificate from a teachers institute. These rebbiem have alter egos. Only they know the material and how to present it. My child is a avid reader and read the class book and more on the subject. The “rebbe” was threatened and his answer was to always throw my child out of class to the principal for no reason other than what he could make up as chutzpah and not listening. I thought the idea of teaching was to challenge a child’s mind and open it up. My child after repeatedly sent to the principal for no good reason rebelled. B”H we found Yeshiva Nishmat Shlomo in Tzfat, Israel and he is flourishing under Rabbi Ormiland. He is not alone.Ovwer Yom Tov I hosted 4 bochrim from Chabad families that also have been verbally and emotionally abused. These bochrim that were told they could not amount to anything are making siyums on various masechtas and going for simicha! So there!
  Call Yeshiva Nishmat Shlomo and give your child the opportunity to excel and reach their potential in a loving Chabad environment.Do it NOW!!

• ABR

  this article was obviously written by a woman, and that makes me wonder why she is so hard on her own gender? i also wonder why this article is titled teens at risk when it is truly the orthodox world as whole, extending way beyond the relatively few years of adolescence, that is being effected. i agree with the author that one contributing factor to this chaos is girls low self esteem but there are many deeper causes to the turmoil that is our topic.
  TV Music and Movies are telling EVERYONE, not just teens although they are the most impressionable, that life is all about Romance, and nothing else. there is hardly a song playing on the radio that does not have this theme or a movie that lacks a love interest or at the least some hot actress to snatch viewers attention. when we forget that these films, songs or shows portray women in such a superficial, objectified way, we forget what true love is. Thus the boys really believe that they are in Love and the girls believe it too, since they feel beautiful for the first time because until now they have been plagued by magazines and models on a daily basis that make the average girl feel vastly inferior. but this flawed way of seeing Love does not only affect teens. if this attitude is not corrected it will be dragged into adult life. This is the cause of the recent spike in divorces,affairs, and immodest behavior amongst married couples. I feel tragedy has a little role to play in all of this because i can’t imagine that the scale of tragedy, however personal, can match the number of perpetrators. Also, where on earth did the idea that boys need girls to confide their emotions in them? i have a few close friends whom if i needed to “get something of my chest” i would turn to way before trusting some girl with a pretty face. the boy goes after the girl because he either does not believe that anything bad could come of it or because of the natural chemical reaction in his brain that makes him attracted to females.
  The solution, as so many people are asking for is to teach our children or help our friends better understand the depth of true Love and not the shallow infatuation that permeates modern society. girls need to be given enough support and encouragement at home and school so that they do not need to outsource. they need to dress modestly so they are not seen as things as they are in the outside world and instead as people with feelings and unique qualities. immodesty will only cloud the minds of men and lead to undoubtedly more suffering. Boys need to learn that until they are older nothing good can come from a teen romance even if the two of them TRULY love each other because the families will always look down at the couple. young adults preparing to marry need to contemplate what is most important to creating a lasting, meaningful marriage, and seeing as beauty will be the first thing to go, the perspective spouse’s personality is of much greater consequence.
  there is a reason that America suffers so greatly from depression. life has little meaning to them. As Jews and as chasiddim we should know the purpose of our creation. but if we learn our lessons about life from the secular world; it’s immodesty, dishonesty, shamelessness, superficiality, vulgarity, and promiscuity, then we too are bound to suffer from its problems- divorce, affairs, and depression.
  SOLUTION—> EDUCAION

• cs

  Whilst I don’t doubt the author’s good intentions, this article grossly oversimplifies the issues concerned which is a dangerous attitude.

• teeeen age girl brhs

  yes as the teenage girl mentioned above
  bais rivka and bnos menachem shud go thru this wit
  us and not just expell girl!
  som 1 gtta tell the school

• hard to read

  AMAZING, please don’t post in caps, it’s very hard to read. Thanks.

• Old Timer.

  An analysis and some suggestions.

  The problem. A child or kid or teenager has a Nefesh Habihamis that seeks self-fulfillment, pleasure and gratification.

  The Nefesh Eloikis needs to be strengthened to have the Nefesh Hasichlis realize that truth requires him or her to follow Toiroh & Mitzvois for true self-fulfillment, pleasure and gratification.

  As long as we had the Rebbe it was relatively easy as looking at the Rebbe would give one the feeling that Moishe Emes Vitoirosoi Emes: that this is what is true and has to be done. A Yeitzer Horah would still be there but one would know that an Aveiroh is going against Emes.

  Now, unfortunately, we do not have Vehoyu Einechoh Roiois es Moirecho and we need to do other things to reinforce the Nefesh Hoelokis so that the child and then the teenager should have a very strong conviction and feeling that 1) “This is the Emes” and
  2) Overcome the pull of the Y”H that will cause one to go against “The Emes” to receive his or her self-fulfillment, pleasure and gratification.

  Some suggestions:

  1) Stories and Medroshim of the Toiroh and of the Rabbeim and the Rebbe.

  Every day before sleep and by every Shabbos meal a parent needs to read or relate to his or her children the stories and Medroshim on the Toiroh and stories about the Rabbeim. There is a wealth of such material available in English for those that can’t read and translate from Loshoin Koidesh..

  These Medroshim and stories will inculcate and reinforce the child with the feeling and awareness that this, Toiroh and Mitzvois” is truth and reality and will give him the proper perspective towards life as a Yid.

  2) A parent doing the daily Mitzvois with a child in a loving and sweet manner will begin the child on a lifelong path of T&M that hopefully Gam Ki Yazkin Lo Yosur Mimenah.

  Beginning with infants, Netilas Yodayim, Brochois, Tzitzis, etc. with a smile and a happy expression and telling the child that Hashem loves you and made you and wants to hear the Brocho that you make etc and that makes Hashem happy. The child has to, of course, see that the parent has the same feeling and joy when he or she is doing a Mitzvah for Hashem.

  3) Chinuch.

  A child must realize a sense of satisfaction and success and a sense of purpose in their learning Limidei Koidesh.

  This is more difficult for the parent as it is not totally up to them but depends very much on the school, the Rabbei’m or teachers, and on the abilities of the child.

  I am not going to elaborate on this as there are many many factors involved, with much that may be beyond the control of the parent and are affected by Parnoso & money, number of children in the family, health etc. However in each situation the parents must make the effort to show the child that their learning is very important, yet to show that their love for the child and Hashems love for them is not dependent on a certain level of success but rather on success and effort commensurate with abilities. Not getting the best marks does not diminish Hashems love, or the parent’s love, or the value of the child. Nighttime, when reading or telling stories to the children is a very good time to show and reinforce these feelings from the parent to the child. Years ago little children would be put to sleep with the short nursery rhyme. Alef Bais Gimel- Es is doh a G-ot in Himel. [There is a G-d in heaven] , Daled Hay Vov- Meer Zainin Zaineh Shof, [We are his beloved lambs] Zayin Ches Tes- Dos Nisht Farges.[Do not forget this.] One will be amazed as to the effect that such a sentiment that becomes a ritual between parent and child and done in a loving and sincere manner, can have on the emunah and long-term behavior of a child.

  The importance of success in ones studies becomes more critical as the child gets older and enters the teen years. There are many issues as far as what is the best way to be Michanech kids and does the “one size fits all” approach really fit all, but that too is beyond the control of the parent. The parent however should try and help their child get the most from what the system does offer.

  Good friends also become critical at this stage as peer pressure or the need to fit in becomes more important. Parents must be strongly involved and very aware of whom their children are friends with.
  4) Say lots of Tehillim and Daven for Siyaata Dishemayah, Hashems help that your children should turn out OK and that Bikorouiv Mamesh we should merit to have Moshiach be Nisgaleh.

• Just a Guy

  I’m in my 20’s and no longer religious. I grew up on shlichus. I was always loved by my parents, and desciplined by them as well. I do not have any learning or psychological disorders. Peer pressure wasn’t an issue, because I never cared what anyone else thought. I have no sense of style and never dressed like the cool kids. I never did drugs. I’ve never turned to alcohol. I don’t have a low self esteem (maybe a bit too much, actually). Yet I am “at risk.”

  What I don’t understand is this. How can people with a variety of problems all be classified under the same, broad, demeaning term? This is a term the Frum world borrowed from the streets, where “at risk” meant a kid was on a path that would end him in jail or dead. Today, in Lubavitch and some other communities, this now means that they are at risk of not being the perfect Lubavitcher. THAT IS WHAT TURNS TEENS OFF. Their parents tell them they have to be themselves, and they don’t have to do something just because everyone is doing it. Two seconds later, they hear that anyone not doing exactly X, Y, and Z is at risk. How’s that for a mixed message?

  A second issue which some of the commentors brought up, but was missed in this op-ed is our education SYSTEM. The infamous system. When I was in yeshiva (I was in very good ones), the teachers had no answers. You do everything just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. The reason why they don’t know the answers, is because they never knew them. They had kabolas ol and just did what they were told. When a kid asks why the world was created, he is told because G-d wanted to make a dira lo yisborech batachtonim. When the kid asks why He wanted to do that, he is told (every time), “Mir freg nisht kein kashos oif a tayveh.” This, by the same people who teach him about hiskafiya and how dangerous tayvos, such as tayvos noshim, are. And you wonder why your kid’s confused?!

  Yet another issue which someone brought up. Authority. Whether it be rabonim, educational staff, or community leaders, people are always bad-mouthing them. Then you wonder why your kids have no respect for authority. They’re getting another mixed message!!

  Just my 2 cents. Take what you want from it.

• To Tzniyus

  Did you ever think about the fact that the way you dress affects OTHER people??? Do you know that every time a Bocher entertains a conscious thought about a women he is Oiver on an Isser??? We would appreciate if you thought about that for a couple of seconds once in a while. If you lived on an island in the middle of the pacific ocean your claim might (?) be valid, but walking down Kingston is not the same thing. If at home I like to wear only boxers because its more comfortable that doesn’t mean I can walk into 770 with just them.

• na na na na

  the reason is simple: Their good aspects have to be brought out (by someone) via a healthy, creative outlet. ie: concert, volunteer, art, sewing for production, drama to raise money, play instrument for concert, back stage etc…
  they feel empty
  And of course the main reason; When we show them that the Rebbe is still here leading and guiding us, we have a certain yirah (fear of Hashem) that helps us along.
  But we can ‘choose’ to pretend other wise to make our life ‘easier’ and not so the right thing.

• teenager, but old soul

  none of these problems cant be solved by giving a little more love and care to your children.
  understand them and support them, appreciate the little things and give credit where it is due. Don’t focus on the negative rather use positive reinforcement…

  its a gradual process, it can take a while but the success rate is undeniable.

• not tznius

  Helllllllllllllo everybody,

  You all seem to have fine input. But get into the mind of the girl. There are select few who chose to dress nerdy and do cover themselves from head to toe and look disastrously ugly. Others, try to look a little better with themselves and put together outfits that satisfy the “tznius” nudgers. They tend to turn their undershirts inside out or put them on backwards, which must be the most uncomfortable thing as well as look completely unfashionably correct, rather deplorable. Often they look much better than the previous category, but to say the least I don’t know why these mishugassen aren’t a chilul Hashem that women and girls dress so strangely. Then, there are us who feel that we can dress how we like, and the truth is that doesn’t go out of line with the real rules of tznius, doesn’t make us feel or look uncomfortable and old fashioned. It doesn’t say anywhere in Torah that your entire neck must be covered, it doesn’t matter if the neckline is a little lower than your throat and it does look better. Just as someone else said and I checked it up myself, look at how the previos generations dressed, it wasn’t how some are expecting us to be dressed. They didn’t cover their necks so tightly, there is even some skin showing, I saw the videos from JEM and it is quite clear, see for yourself. In short, I think that some people have gone too extreme with their tznius rules and regulations. Such harshly enforced restrictions are what turn us off, especially when they are made up and beyond the letter of the law. We needn’t be frummer than the frummer generations that preceded us. So next time you feel the urge to condemn my dressing, just look at those pics and videos and you’ll see that it wasnt any better back then. Thanks for pointing that out. Andplease just live and let live.

• simintov

  The oversimplification and limited amount of the issues in this article are almost humorous if it wasn’t so sad. Many of the responders could be posting their own Op-Ed with more validity.

  I don’t claim to know the answers, or even the extent of the problem but I do know that a huge impediment to a solution is the inability of so many people to realize that they don’t either.

  I wonder if some of you were never teenagers. Did you blow right by it as the perfect kid? How is it that you have so little understanding of the turmoil going on in their world?

  Having not been a teenager for many years now, I can’t pretend to know it all either, so I wonder how others do.
  But I remember my raging hormones, my determination to be ‘independent’,my belief that my opinions were absolute and that I’d never change them and that adults just didn’t get it (which may have been true). I remember how much I wanted my peers approval and how challenging it was to balance that with wanting my parents and teachers approval.

  Now I look at these kids who are inundated with far more challenges in this world than we would have ever imagined.

  Dysfunctional families
  Broken homes
  Abuse of all kinds
  Poorly trained (or not at all) teachers and rebbes
  Conditional love
  Frequent hypocrisy among the adults around them
  Community warfare and disrespectful attitudes
  Arrogance and superiority throughout the frum community
  Continuous exposure to societal degradation
  Conflicting levels of frum acceptance of continuously dropping societal standards
  And on and on and on and on……………….

  Combine all the conflicting input within the developing teenage mind, raging hormones, the satisfaction of peer acceptance, adults who simplify the problems and solutions and SHAKE!
  Now you have a kid who doesn’t take the adults in his life too seriously and who looks elsewhere for approval, support and affection.

  I know I’m talking to so many deaf ears, like the writer who angrily points out that every time a Bocher entertains a conscious thought about a women he is Oiver on an Isser.
  Hello? Do you think a girl or boy who is dressing to be viewed as ‘hot’ will be traumatized by this brand new awareness? Everyone he or she knows is oiver all kinds of aiveras! See the list above. What’s one more? If you or anyone is going to try to make a difference, you’d better work harder to get inside their head.

  Oh, and I love the people who ask where the parents are. Some of us worked our tail off to be the BEST POSSIBLE PARENT WE COULD BE. We loved and we disciplined. We supported and we encouraged. We taught them to be independent and think for themselves, but to listen to and respect authority. We said Modeh Ani with them and washed negel vasser with them and told them Chssidishe stories. And we made mistakes. Plenty of them. Like almost everyone else.

  And some of us know that when the input into our teenager’s brain is no longer under our jurisdiction and control, and our teenager is affected by it, fighting it may only cause us to lose them entirely.

  What we CAN do is convey our unconditional love even as we make them aware that we may not approve of their choices. Encourage people who care about them to stay involved in their life. Have an open ear and a caring attitude. Support positive decisions. And pray.

• look at the positive

  It’s the era awaiting the revelation of Moshiach-that’s why there are teens at risk. The Gemara says in Sotah 49 in ikvesa d’Meshicha, that chutzpah will increase and nobody will be able to reprove others. Rambam, in Iggeret Teiman, writes, “Our sources have already revealed to us that toward the end of the exile, as a result of our suffering, many Jews will come to doubt G-d, be led astray from the Torah and eventually abandon their religion. And all this will be because of our lowly position in the exile and the elevated status of the non-Jews. But a few will still remain loyal and not become confused.”
  Risk is a game where you try to conquer the world. Teens have the energy to conquer the word for Moshiach.

• BRgirl

  i really dislike the article. for one reason. its so negative. now im not saying that we should sweep these issues under tha rug, however, the article makes it seem like EVERYONE is off the derech.
  also, i dislike the way the author makes as if everything is sso cut and dry. doing bad in school—–> lack of attention ——> seek after boys —-> etc. etc.

  every story is different. im still in my early years in HS, and i look at my past freinds some of which are “off the derech, etc.””
  for some, it was family issues, for others it was social status (especially being that in most cases, by girls at least, the popular kids are usually the “good” ones),for others, its peer pressure. some,after seeing how empty it is, want to return, go back to a normal school, etc. but theie past record won’t allow them to bve accepted, etc. and they only stoop lower.
  PLUS- i agree wholeheartedly that teachers should give reasons instead of restrictions. some students will be exceptionally annoyed, many students get nervous themsleves when such topics are disscussed, at least they will have the answers clear in their heads to help them go on and understand.

  moshiach now!

• ML London

  Dear ‘to Tnius’

  You sound very bitter. I can understand that. You have a vision of how you look best and it contradicts the norms of the frum community. This causes friction, both within yourself personally and no doubt amongst your parents and mechanchim. But really, truly, deep down, I don’t believe that you want that friction. And it is up to you to decide, how much of that friction you can cope with and how much you want the love and approval of your parents.

  The laws of tznius are quite straightforward. They have not changed over the different eras. You may have seen pictures of Lubavitcher women who were dealing with the same issues this generation is dealing with. But there are many photos of girls and women in both Lubavitch and the rest of the frum world where the tznius conforms to halocho.

  Personally coming from a shomer shabbos mizrachi family where tznius was not important, the next generation on all sides have either upgraded or been lost to Yiddishkeit.

  I am trying to gently guide you to think things through. I wish you well, with great hatzlocha and guidance from HaShem to make the decisions that will provide you with true fulfillment and a wonderful, purposeful future.
  With Love and Respect
  A Jewish mother, grandmother and friend

• Emuna

  i suggest parents seek out other parents who have successfully parented children till they got married and left home, and ask the how they structured their home life, were parents using the yimin mekareves, smol docheh method? how did they deal with a childs failing grades? when and how did they manage to give equal attention to each child..were they “hands on” parents? how did they establish a happy, healthy atmosphere in the home? just because people are married 10-15 years doesnt mean they necessarily learned everything..could be they just repeat the mistakes theey made with the first child every year thereafter..so, parents dont be afraid to ask for help-go to parenting classses,speak to mentors, mashpiim and peers and keep growing as parents-after all, the Eibishter has confidence in your abilities to parent, so you should too..if there’s bitterness, anger and lack of sholom bayis, the kids are the first korbonos- help yourself and this will spill over to your childre..Hatzlocho with your avodas Hakodesh..