Modesty Helps Women Be Friends
One of the things I’ve found most refreshing about religious culture is the understanding of the importance of modesty. Though each woman may have different ideas about exactly what it means to be modest, there is a general agreement that putting forth some level of conscious effort to avoid looking like a backup dancer in a Snoop Dogg video is a good thing. And it’s fascinating to see the effect that it has on women’s interactions with one another.
When I was in my 20s, I worked at a startup company where there were no standards for appropriate dress. Over time, an unspoken tension developed among the females of the office. Sally from marketing showed up to a board meeting in a startlingly short skirt, then Jane the office manager started wearing shirts with lower and lower cuts. Kelly the analyst would turn heads when she breezed through the break room in jeans so tight they looked like they were sprayed on. And this kind of thing didn’t just happen in the office where I worked; though I wouldn’t have used this term to describe it at the time, immodesty was rampant in the culture of women who worked in that particular industry during the high-tech boom. And whether or not this was the intent, wearing revealing clothing always came across as a power play, and even sometimes as an act of aggression against other women who were wearing more reasonable attire. The effect of all of this was that the female friendships in these social circles were always on rocky ground.
It’s a fact of human nature that women are judged by their physical appearances more than men are, and therefore it’s easy for a feeling of competitiveness to arise in this area. When a girl would arrive at the office wearing a tight little outfit that commanded everyone’s attention, there was an unmistakable—though unspoken—feeling that a competition had been initiated. Even among the women who couldn’t care less about engaging in office beauty contests, who even pitied the scantily-clad girl for drawing the wrong type of attention to herself, there was a vague feeling of resentment that she had tried to initiate this “game” in the first place. All of these interactions remained below the surface, but they were very much present.
To describe how it felt to be a woman in that culture, imagine if men walked around displaying their annual incomes on nametags. To allow no-holds-barred competition in an area where men are particularly sensitive to judgment would inevitably poison their relationships with one another. And so it is with women.
Discussions about the benefits of modesty tend to focus on preserving the dignity of women and respecting men who are seeking chastity. Those are great points, but I think that the impact that it has on relationships among women is a huge benefit that is too often overlooked. The other day I saw a group of Catholic young adult women chatting after a meeting at church. They were about the same age as I was when I worked at that startup, and seeing them brought back memories of that time. In contrast to the culture I remembered, all of these girls looked beautiful and stylish while observing some basic ideas about modesty—and the effect was that there wasn’t that vibe that some of them were trying to be the center of attention with their dress, unlike back in my career days. It made me smile to see how well this system works. For women to embrace modesty is to declare a truce with one another. They can still aim to look nice, but mutual agreement on reasonable standards of dress draws the boundary lines so that it doesn’t break out into a distracting competition.
Let me hasten to add that when I say that I’m now in social circles that value modesty, I don’t mean that we show up with pitchforks and torches at the house of any women who dare to wear skirts above the ankles, or that it’s something that is ever discussed at all (the occasional internet flare-up aside). I’m referring here to some basic ideas about how to dress that are so deeply embedded in this subculture that I doubt the average religious woman even realizes she’s doing anything different than women in some segments of society. As I’ve seen it practiced, embracing modesty isn’t about following a specific clothing checklist or mistaking fashion choices for holiness. Rather, it’s just a decision that women make, mostly in the back of their minds, not to make their bodies the center of everyone’s attention. It’s a small gesture, but the impact is striking. It brings an air of peace to a gathering of women that you just don’t have if a couple of gals have shown up in tiny tank tops and super-short shorts. It’s as if we simply say to one another, “I won’t show up in hotpants to your barbecue, you won’t wear a mini-dress to my wine tasting, and we’ll all have a lovely time.”
very true
thanks for posting a really good article.
Sara
On Tu Bav all the girls lent each other clothing so nobody would be dressed fancier than another….I guess it is a similar idea. To have ahavas yisrael and consider the feelings of another person. But of course besides that, modesty is a proper way of dressing and behaving and that in itself brings a sense of dignity and respect and others look up to that and are drawn to that so automatically there is more friendship there.
sara
very true gr8 article!!!
noah
“wearing revealing clothing always came across as a power play … the effect of all of this was that … friendships … were always on rocky ground…there was an unmistakable … feeling that a competition had been initiated”
i wonder if the author is certain that these feelings were shared by her coworkers or if perhaps she is projecting her own feelings of insecurity about her attractiveness. i’m asking this question honestly — as a man i really don’t know the answer. either way this is a sad commentary on someone; either on the author of this article or on womankind in general.
the problem as i see it is that if this general female outlook is in fact accurate then i’m not sure how dressing modestly actually solves anything. even with modest clothing, some woman will still be more physically attractive than others. if the default reaction of others is a feeling of competition and resentment then in the end nothing is actually accomplished. and even if this somehow isn’t the case when dressing modestly, i’m left to believe that these tensions would reappear for the author if she were to ever interact with people who are not as concerned about tznius.
someone who was just thinking
Modesty is a sense of dress acting and speeking. We came out of Egypt with the mosest way of dressing acting and speeking like Jewish Princes and Princeses. Remember we are of rulyalty
to #4
you obviously have no idea about the way women think!!
your comment attempts to put down the author but it only proves your ignorance and insensitivity!
Shmuel
I have seen more modesty at the Vatican.
Even though modest clothing has been available to the frum community for many years, for some mysterious reason it has not caught on in the Lubavitcher community. Before 1994 it was easy to tell a Lubavitcher girl from a Flatbush or Queens girl, where the Lubavitcher girl was dressed more modest, now it seems that has switched, the Flatbush woman are dressed more modest than the typical modern Lubavitcher woman. This has to do with our chinuch and the lack of moral leadership in the community.
Eli
There was a time when one could tell the difference between a Lubavicher teenager and a gentile.
Now I’m not sure if I should say “Sholom Aleichem” or “Hola”
I like this analogy
“imagine if men walked around displaying their annual incomes on nametags. To allow no-holds-barred competition in an area where men are particularly sensitive to judgment would inevitably poison their relationships with one another.”
and the author pointed out the benefits of modesty and the main ideas behind it, she is not discounting that. She was merely pointing out ANOTHER fringe benefit which mainly exists in secular society.
To the man in number 4 the point is not that some women are automatically more attractive so whats the point etc.. If a beautiful secular woman wears modest clothing to her friends mixed party she is saying to her friend, I respect your party and you enough to behave with dignity and not draw any more attention to myself than is necessary.
Even if her friend is less beautiful than her she will appreciate that her friend isn’t actively trying to divert her husbands attention or any other man there, that she shouldn’t be. To the women there she is saying I will not flaunt in your face what I’ve been given. I am the same as you, i want to be known for my inner attributes, not just physical beauty.
LOVE IT!
WHEN YOU RESPECT YOURSELF BY COVERING UP, YOU ARE MORE RESPECTABLE, YOU SHOW THAT YOU ARE DEEPER AND RESPECTABLE INDIVIDUAL. WHEN ONE FLAUNTS HER BODY, SHE LETS OFF THAT SHE IS AN UNDIGNIFIED, AND SUPERFICIAL WOMAN WITH NOT MUCH ELSE IN THERE
Nice Show! (But is this the circus?!)
This is a wonderful piece.
It addresses modesty from a very basic human perspective.
Many people see modesty as a religious concept: Tznius.
Modesty has little if anything to do with religion.
Modesty comes from human traits we all have: The Good Ones.
Sensitivity, Humility, Dignity, Respect, Courteousness…
Modesty stems from morality.
Modesty empowers one’s good traits.
Modesty develops value of oneself as well as others and their value of themselves and others.
Immodesty does the opposite.
A person’s dress influences ‘where’ they are.
This sometimes small influence makes all the difference.
Dressing and carrying oneself for where one wants to be, rather than where one is gets them there.
Most important of all:
Dressing modestly shows consideration for those of our sisters who are self-conscious about their looks.
It’s hard enough being at a disadvantage, the last thing needed is for friends to cause them to feel more inadequate by forcing them to single themselves out by dressing differently (modestly), or by dressing in a manner that further exposes their disadvantage.
no one special
It is not by accident that Cub Scouts, Boy scouts, Brownies, Girl Scouts, the military, religious communities etc. wear uniforms.One wonders if the purpose is to squash individuality.
holier than thou
is it really neccesary to post articles from a Catholic website? did you run this by any rabbanim?
Miriam from Sydney
Noah is correct in his analytical observation of the facts presented in the article. There is no reason to get all emotional and defensive and attack him just because he is a man commenting on a woman’s topic. This is reverse discrimination :)
To the author of “she will appreciate that her friend isn’t actively trying to divert her husbands attention or any other man there”. This is sheer speculation if not false assumption. What a terrible thing to assume that the woman is dressing to attract the other woman’s husband! You are degrading a woman’s intelligence and sense of self by assuming that she would dress in whatever she feels like to attract a man. Would you also assume that a man wears a tank top to attract a woman? It might not be what halacha prescribes for Jewish women but maybe what and how that secular woman wears her clothing makes her feel good. What people assume about others is a reflection of their own thought process.
Let’s be honest for a moment. It is high time that men took responsibility for their own shortcomings. (Yes, women need to dress appropriately but I am not addressing the women’s issue here and one does not negate the other). Men and women need to stop blaming women for their men’s “weakness”. What ever happened to moach shalit al halev? It does not mean to avoid the “problem” or remove the “problem” otherwise the brain has not overcome the heart, it has run away from it! Our brains are “neuroplastic” they are shapeable and re-wireable. As intelligent beings Hashem has given us the gift of being able to change how we think about things. It is also known for more specific areas as ‘bridging beliefs’. In other words if you are living in a situation that you don’t like and cannot change, it is generally beneficial to change how you think about it. It is not easy to do but by accepting responsibility for your reactions, and working on the problematic issue, you can change how you think about it and thus minimise or eliminate the problem.
Having said that we live in a society and in a healthy society everyone pitches in for the betterment of all. Women should dress appropriately and men should work on seeing the inappropriately dressed Jewish woman as a neshoma that happens to be physically encased.
It would be totally honest to appreciate that someone looks beautiful. The torah is constantly pointing out physically beautiful looking women (most being modest women). But the point is to appreciate this beauty through respect for another human being and in the spirit of a torah-dik outlook.
Dear Jennifer Fulwiler, you have written a wonderful article. I am really glad that you feel so good because of your tzniyus lifestyle. You wrote with such goodwill and to pass that good feeling on to others. No doubt you have made many others feel good too. Well done!
a gal
this is a very enlightening article. #4 whether you are a man or maybe a women trying to defend your behavior – you don’t get it because you do not want to. ANYONE can attract attention if they dress (or undress) provocatively. The attention gotten from the men is simply natural – men are wired to look and the attention gotten from women is for various reasons. In some ways you are actually embarrassing some women. Yes, most women are bothered when their husbands are put to the test of averting their gaze. What is it about these women who are so needy that they will dress in a way to have people gape at their bodies? Don’t they realize they are not receiving a shred of respect? All they are getting is an animal ‘instinct’ reaction. What is so “brilliant” about succeeding in obtaining animal attention? The gals that are dressing this way may be starved for attention and really should be pitied. Don’t they realize their spouses are staring at their neighbors who are competing with this mode of dress? Yes, you are getting the looks but you sure ain’t getting the respect. You are basically a body to be gaped at and as soon as you pass their line of vision it’s the next body the poor guys are gaping at. Can you actually tell yourself honestly that you are an accomplished person by succeeding in receiving the looks? What exactly does it do for your self image? Are you brighter, a better friend and mother, a better daughter? Which if any are you now better at?
Try to be honest with yourself – ask yourself what now? Now that I got the looks where do I now stand?
wowwed by the beauty in crown heights
I’mm so impressed when I see a modestly dressed (yet beautiful and refined) single or married lady walking in crown heights.
It makes me feel that my standards can go higher because she looks beautiful while being tznius. You women and girls whether by an innate feel to dress this way or by a struggle that you overcome, you impress me.
Oh, please
For Heaven’s sake,Noah-#4. Jewish women are not asked to wear Burkas or stay indoors unless accompanied by a male member of their family.Nor are they required to make themselves ugly. They are simply asked to dress and speak with a degree of modesty prescribed by The One who created both men and women and,as such,knows them at least as well as the “enlightened” souls who are so, quote unquote,open-minded they feel they must explain a thing or two to Him. Y’think maybe He knows what absolutisms people really need to adhere to for optimal living?It seems to me that the writer of this article wasn’t projecting a loser’s point of view. She was simply and intelligentlly stating that the immodest dress rampant in her work place was a physical and psychological expression of “Anything you can do I can do better.” Why is it so difficult to believe that this created a negative, rat-race atmosphere for EVERYONE at her workplace? Sometimes one gets the feeling that half the population is so jaded when it comes to dress and speech that they’ve become downright desensitized to sights and sounds that really ought to be affecting their sesibilities but aren’t. It reminds me of the patients who are so overdosed on antibiotic that their bodies no longer react to it even when they ought to.
GanNas
Miriam from Sydney,
Very well said!!
m says modesty does not equal tznius
#13, I think you and I are the only ones who chapped that the article is about modesty – not tznius, nd is written by and for goyim.
Gevalt even the “modest manikins” have way too low necklines – ok the brown one you can see has a shell inside, but the other 3? Even if there IS a shell, it’s definately maris ayin because it “looks” like her body is revealed.
A tznuah wouldn’t go around with a top like that.
(Women only) try googling “modest clothing” and you will see almost everything is not Jewish, and not tznius! Even the so called frum site has skirts so short (22“) that they cannot properly cover the knees when sitting or climbing stairs.
Tznius is holier than what is portrayed here.
But maybe after reading this, the confused segment of our women and girls who dress ”immodestly” will realise that even a goy knows better than them how to dress.