Choosing the Right Yeshiva
by Shlomo Bogart, LPC, LMHC – The B’Shalom Center
As the school year winds down, many parents and bochurim begin exploring options for the next step in their yeshiva journey. The process of choosing a yeshiva can be filled with excitement, uncertainty, and sometimes pressure. It’s an important decision—and one that deserves much attention.
Many bochurim are also transitioning from Mesivta to Zal, which brings its own set of challenges. The shift to greater independence, increased expectations, and a new social environment can be both exciting and overwhelming.
Having learned in the yeshiva system myself and taught both Gemara and Chassidus in Mesivta and Zal for seven years, I’ve seen the difference the right environment can make in a bochur’s development. Today, as a licensed mental health counselor, I divide my time between two areas of clinical work: treating individuals with eating disorders and supporting bochurim in yeshiva to thrive with emotional resilience, confidence, and clarity.
I have worked closely with families and bochurim through all stages of growth. From that vantage point, I’d like to share several key points to consider when choosing a yeshiva.
1. Know Your Son—Not Just the Yeshiva
It’s easy to get caught up in the name or reputation of a yeshiva. But prestige is not a measure of fit. Each bochur is different—emotionally, socially, and spiritually. What energizes one may overwhelm another. Ask yourself:
- Where does my son thrive?
- What kind of support does he need to succeed?
- How independent is he at this stage?
A yeshiva should match who your son is now—not just who you hope he’ll become.
2. Connection Matters More Than Perfection
No yeshiva is perfect. But the ones that make a lasting impact tend to share one trait: relationships. Is there someone on staff your son could genuinely talk to? Someone who listens without judgment, encourages without pressure, and sees beyond “how’s his learning” or “how’s his chassidishkeit?” A strong bond with a Mashpia, Maggid shiur, or even a dorm counselor can often be the most powerful catalyst for growth.
3. Learning Style Counts
Some bochurim are natural masmidim. Others shine with structure, smaller shiurim, or with a one-on-one approach. Some are inspired by Chassidus and Avodah, others by logic and clarity. There is no one right way to learn. What matters is:
- Does the yeshiva’s learning style build your son’s confidence?
- Is there room to ask questions, review, or go at his pace?
A bochur who feels capable is far more likely to remain motivated and engaged in learning. I often meet with bucherim who love to learn and want to learn but say “ I didn’t get along with my menahel” or “I was labeled in a negative way by so and so and everything went downhill from there”.
4. Emotional and Mental Health Awareness
Many bochurim today quietly navigate anxiety, self-doubt, disordered behaviors, or social pressure. Yeshivas that acknowledge these realities—without stigma—are investing in their bucherim’s long-term success.
Important questions to ask:
- Is there someone on staff trained to notice when a bochur is struggling?
- Are referrals to mental health support normalized and encouraged when needed?
- Is there awareness of how issues like sleep, food, and emotional wellbeing affect learning and a bucher’s Ruchniyus?
Supporting the whole bochur—mind, body, and soul—should be a given, not a luxury.
5. Yiras Shamayim and Darkei HaChassidus
A successful yeshiva experience isn’t only measured by pages learned or tests passed. A truly impactful yeshiva fosters a love of Torah, a joy in Yiddishkeit, and a sense of meaning. Look for signs of:
- Healthy engagement during davening and farbrengens
- A tone of positivity and encouragement
- Role models who serve Hashem with joy, not just stringency
True growth can happen when there is emotional safety and genuine inspiration.
6. Keep in Mind: Yeshivas Change Every Year
It’s important to remember that many yeshivas change dramatically from year to year based on the specific group of bochurim they attract. A yeshiva might have a strong year with a great chassidishe avir and intense learning. The next year, however, a small group of 5 or 10 bochurim can shift the atmosphere and the tone entirely.
Of course, there’s always an element of mazal, and we trust that every bochur ends up where Hashem wants him to be. Still, it can sometimes be wise to prioritize following a good group of bochurim over choosing a yeshiva based solely on its name or reputation.
This is especially important to remember when a bochur is rejected from a yeshiva he had hoped to attend. That experience can shake his sense of identity or self-worth.
Parents can make a major difference—both by helping choose the right yeshiva and by being emotionally supportive throughout the process. Tell your son:
“No matter where you end up, we believe in you and your ability to grow, with the guidance of Chassidus and the strengths that Hashem has given you.”
7. Stay Involved
Once a bucher is in yeshiva, parents often step back. While it’s important to allow independence, staying connected is important. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, check in regularly, and partner with the yeshiva when needed. You know your son better than anyone.
If he’s thriving, celebrate it. If he’s struggling, lean in with curiosity and compassion, not fear.
I often work with bochurim who are navigating the in-between space—trying to meet expectations while quietly working through emotional or spiritual struggles. The right yeshiva can be a space for true Chassidishe growth and development. The key is matching your son with a place that truly sees him.
For more information or comment, reach out to me at: sbogartlpc@gmail.com
To learn more about The B’Shalom Center and my private practice, visit:
