Weekly Story: Ahavas Yisroel Defined
by Rabbi Sholom DovBer Avtzon
Our sages inform us that the second Beis HaMikdash was destroyed because of the sin of sinas chinam (baseless hatred). Therefore, the remedy to end this golus and merit the building of the third Beis Hamikdash is ahavas chinom (unconditional love).
I recently heard a story on My Encounter, produced by JEM, where the Rebbe explained what Ahavas Yisroel means in practical terms. I hope it inspires you as well.
As always your comments and feedback are most welcomed.
Rabbi Sholom DovBer Goldshmid was a bochur in 770 and he would seek the Rebbe’s guidance in many aspects of his life. This was especially so when he came to the stage of shidduchim, he turned to the Rebbe for guidance. Being that in those years there weren’t that many chassidim, it was easy to have a yechidus with the Rebbe, and this was especially so for the students of the yeshiva in 770.
During one yechidus the Rebbe told him that Ahavas Yisroel is giving a Jew something they want, and this applies to every Jew, male or female.
At that point he had no idea what the Rebbe was referring to, but he knew that if the Rebbe mentioned it, it is an important aspect that he should act on it when he has that opportunity. To him it wasn’t a question of if, but of when he would be called on to fulfill that directive.
Sometime later, Rabbi Hodakov called him into his office and said that he would like to propose a young lady to him. He then informed him of her name, adding that she is a niece of Rabbi Yosef Weinberg.
They met, and after some time they both were ready to become engaged, but he informed her that although he is ready, he first would ask the Rebbe for his opinion.
The Rebbe replied that it is an appropriate match, and then added, that if you would want me to be mesader kiddushin(officiate at the wedding), as is known, that I will only do so if the bride will wear a wig after the marriage.
When he mentioned this to her, she replied that a wig is befitting old women; it is not for me! [It should be noted that very few orthodox women wore wigs in the early fifties]. Although he didn’t argue with her or say anything negative, she noticed an expression of unhappiness on his face. Rabbi Weinberg also noticed it, and without her noticing, he hinted to him that he will talk to her and try to convince her to put on a wig.
However, she was strong in her opinion and didn’t feel that it is necessary to wear a wig and restated her decision that she wouldn’t. Yet at the same time she believed that her uncle discussed it with her on behalf of her chosson, and being that he was so disappointed that because of her refusal, the Rebbe wouldn’t officiate at his wedding, he would break off the engagement. So she poured out her heart out to her uncle and said that she would like to speak to her chosson.
Sholom Ber came to the house, and she said to him, “In Poland I lost both of my parents and I felt like a nobody, a shmatte (a rag). Finally, my uncle was able to contact me and took me into his house, and I was looking forward to the day that I would be independent and have my own dignity, and not be a burden to anyone. Now that you are disappointed that the Rebbe won’t be mesader kiddushin, and the shidduch will be broken, I will lose my chance for my own dignity and will be a rag once again.
“Why are you saying that?” asked Reb Sholom Ber, “I am not thinking of breaking the engagement; I will marry you.”
She look at him in disbelief, unable to verbalize her thoughts; why will he marry me if I am letting him down by causing that his Rebbe will not officiate at his wedding?
Sensing her thoughts, he said, “I am not considering that because I am a student and a chossid of the Rebbe.” Seeing her total bewilderment, he said, “I once mentioned to you the guidance the Rebbe gave me personally – that Ahavas Yisroel is giving a Jewish man or woman what they need.
“You said that you need your dignity, and that would come to you when you will be married, and if I don’t marry you, you will be a shnatte. So, being that I am a student of the Rebbe, I will listen to his guidance and give you what you so dearly desire. We will get married, and you will have your dignity.
The girl was overwhelmed with gratitude and couldn’t believe it. To make her happy, he is willing to forgo the biggest honor of his life of the Rebbe officiating at his wedding.
After a moment she said, and I also wish to be a student and follower of the Rebbe, in order to make you happy, I will gladly purchase a wig and wear it.
A Taste of Chassidus
Zechor Hashem Meh Hoyoh Lonu 5733
This is a lamentation of the prophet Yirmiyahu, concerning the destruction of the first Beis Hamikdash, in the year 3338, The prophet cries out, “Hashem, remember what has happened to us, and see our shame.” This possuk, as well as the entire book of Eichah (Lamentations), refers to a time when the Jewish people reached a low in their conduct and suffered tremendously because of it.
Yet at the same time, when the Ba’al Shem Tov once addressed very simple Jews, who selflessly gave away the little money they possessed to redeem a fellow Jew from prison, explained this passage in a way that brought out the ultimate beauty and greatness of the Jewish people.
He said to them, “We say to Hashem; Remember Hashem what Your children accomplished through the MAH (the humility and selflessness) of their Neshama; look how they nullify themselves and their own needs to help another Jew.”
So we have to understand, how can the same passage have such opposite meanings?
Our sages inform us that the prophet used the word Zechor – remember, as a response to what Hashem said to us, ‘Remember your Creator in the days of your youthful passion.’
While the simple meaning is that we are being admonished to repent in our youth and realize that Hashem is the One who is giving us life and the ability to live, and therefore we should obey and serve Him, there is another explanation; we are being encouraged to remember the Beis HaMikdash, when it was in its full glory and splendor.
So on that possuk also, we have two totally opposing explanations.
The midrash explains that if we would remember the Beis HaMikdash, we wouldn’t have a need to say ‘Remember Hashem, what happened to us’, and to the Beis HaMikdash, as we would have conducted ourselves in a manner that it would not have been destroyed.
We also have to understand, that if the purpose of saying this possuk is asking Hashem to take us out of this exile and build the third Beis Hamikdash, why do we then say, ‘look closely to our shame’, [that we are lacking in our service to You].
However, the explanation is that we are saying to Hashem, that our improper conduct is a result of the way You created and established the world.
Our sages tell us that one should begin learning Torah, even with the intent of receiving a reward, for the ultimate result of that learning would be that the person would ultimately learn just in order to understand Hashem’s Torah.
Subsequently, while the level of MAH, is exalted as it signifies total submission and self-nullification to Hashem, as Moshe Rabeinu so and we are MAH, yet by some there can be a flip side. One of Esav’s concubines’ name was Reumah, which can be divided into two words; Reu Mah, as if the person is saying look how devoted I am to Hashem. In essence the person is saying look at how great I am, I am serving Hashem without asking for any reward. This sense of superiority can sadly lead a person down a very slippery slope and have dreadful consequences.
The question then becomes, why indeed did Hashem create the world in such a manner?
But as Chassidus explains, every descent is in order to reach a higher level than was attained previously. As the possuk says “For my father and mother forsook me and Hashem took me.”
Father and mother represent Chochmah and Binah, one’s intellect. So the person cries out “my intellect is failing to help or inspire me to serve Hashem”, the person has no option but to connect to Hashem Himself, not through an intellectual connection but rather through connecting their essence to Hashem’s essence.
So we see that something that may appear to be a negative aspect, in reality it was created to reveal and bring out an extremely positive aspect.
While the simple explanation of many pesukim seem to bring out negative points, as in our possuk – it focuses on our shame, the inner meaning is to bring out and reveal our greatness.
As our sages say on the possuk that Moshe Rabbeinu was the humblest man on the face of the earth; they explain it to reference that Moshe looked at the generation that will usher in the coming of Moshiach and marveled at their greatness; notwithstanding all of their tribulations from within and without, look at how devoted they are to fulfill Hashem’s Will. That only comes from the essential bond between Hashem and His children, the Jewish people and Moshe wished that that connection can be revealed in himself as well.
Rabbi Avtzon is a veteran mechanech and the author of numerous books and articles on the Rebbei’im and their chassidim. He is available to farbreng in your community and can be contacted at avtzonbooks@gmail.com.
Mushkie
Should someone follow the directive to give another yid whatever makes them happy, even if that thing is against the directives of the Rebbe? What if it makes a yid happy by it is against our minhag, or against halacha? Suppose someone wants to eat non-Lubavitch shchita, should I give it to them? Or, non-glatt meat? I am confused! Is wearing a wig minhag chabad, required by halacha, optional???
meyer chein
You did not read the article with great care This happened many years ago then the outlook was diffrent Plus they did not have the wigs we have today Many years ago you could not get a job if you kept sabbat
Mushkie
Meyer, I didn’t understand your reply. מה ענין שבת אצל כיסוי הראש, What does not getting a job if one kept shabbos have to do with wearing a sheitel? You say, Years ago the outlook was different. Does that mean halacha was more lenient years ago, and that now we are more stringent? Are you saying wearing a wig is a chumra, optional, only for a בעל נפש יחמיר ? Co
Mushkie
Meyer, I totally didn’t understand your reply.
מה עניינים שבת אצל כיסוי הראש What does not being able to get a job if one kept shabbos, have to do with wearing a sheitel?
You say, this happened years ago when the outlook was different. Is adherence to halacha subject to outlook of the time?!
Is wearing a sheitel a בעל נפש יחמיר, a stringency, optional, or a requirement?
Continued
Mushkie
Continued
If a sheitel is required halachically, what does it matter that it was years ago when the outlook was different?
And what point are you making when you add, “plus they did not have the Wigs we have today”?
That’s like saying, as example years ago they didn’t have kosher pizza shops or access to kosher pizza that tastes good, so the outlook was different about buying non- kosher pizza!
Mushkie
Continued
I am trying really hard to understand your reply but it’s way beyond my abilities. Can you please help out a little by explaining?
Rabbi Sholom Avtzon
Your question is one that is a complicated one, as the reader might understand the writers reply somewhat differently than the writer meant. But I will try to at least cover the basics.
Obviously there are parameters that have to be established, for this to be understood. If something is forbidden, it is forbidden. In that case, just because it would make someone happy, I am not allowed to do so. As Rashi states if a father tells his child to do something forbidden, while there is a mitzvah of respecting a parent, in this situation the child obeys Hashem and not their father.
Yet if it is only considering a hiddur, that is something else.
For example, we don’t eat gebrochs on pesach, and are very strict about it. But one time by the Frierdiker Rebbe’s table, someone placed some matza in his soup. Others at the table gasped loudly and the Frierdiker Rebbe heard it and asked what is the cause of it.
When he was informed of what had occurred, he said this is a stringency that we are extremely particular about, however, embarrassing an individual is prohibited by the Torah and it is compared to spilling blood. That is worse than his eating gebrochs.
[This is how the Rebbe explains why Yaakov was allowed to return from marry Rochel after he already married her sister. The prohibition of marrying your wife’s sister, was first given by mattan Torah. So before that it was something that the Avos accepted upon themselves, which is akin to a hiddur. While fulfilling your promise is an obligation even before than. So your personal stringency is nullified in face of an obligation.]
In our case concerning a woman wearing a sheitel, as you stated it is an obligation. Yet, as was noted, I clearly stated that it wasn’t common practice. Here is a situation that a Rov needs a sense of the fifth section of Shulchan Aruch.
Let me explain.
In numerous places in Shulchan Aruch, the halachah is that something is forbidden, however, when there is a great loss, one can rely on the leniant opinion.
But a Rov has to figure out what is considered a large loss. To one individual it is nothing, but to another it can be very consequencetial. For that one needs a Rov that can differentiate between one situation and another.
A second scenerio, as I noted in my book on Reb Hillel Paritcher, whose yahrzeit is on the 11th of Av, he asked before his petira, where were the Rabbonim? Why didn’t they inform me that I was not allowed to fast on Tisha B’av?
So in that scenerio also, he asked why didn’t the rabbonim look deeper than the surface. Yes I stated I believe I should fast, but if they would have asked a doctor for their opinion, the answer probably would have been I shouldn’t have, and then the halacha would be I would of have to eat something.
Before I get to this particular situation, I would like to mention another story that happened a few years after this one occurred.
There was a student in 770 who met a girl in 1956. He wrote to the Rebbe that everything is good, but he is not sure that she is a yiras shomayim at the same level as him.
The Rebbe replied, an American girl who is willing to marry a yeshiva student who has a beard and is also willing to wear a sheitel, is that not the biggest proof of her high level of yiras Shamayim!
Now let us understand what the situation was in those days.
Did every student in 770 have a beard? No some trimmed and others shaved their entire beard, but at that time they weren’t thrown out of the yeshiva. I am not only referring to the American boys, but also to those who managed to escape from Russia and managed to come to learn in 770.
We’re they thrown out, because they didn’t appreciate the meaning and signifance of a beard, no, as it wasn’t malice or something similar on their part.
[The .Frierdiker Rebbe advised to eat the shechita of a frum Jew who never had a beard, instead of one who removed his beard.]
The same thing with wearing a sheitel. To American girls it was a foreign concept, as the wives of most American Rabbis didn’t wear a sheitel. So while it is supposed to be worn, but their refusal at that time, wasn’t a rejection of the conduct that was expected of a Jewish woman, so in that situation a lenient opinion was relied on.
That was with the hope and anticipation that with the time she would agree to wear the sheitel.
Indeed the Rebbe spoke to many women after their marriage to encourage them to wear a sheitel. A friend of mine noted that the Rebbe told his father to buy a wig in Manhattan comparable to the wigs that fancy ladies wear.
Concerning glatt and not glatt.
My mother a”h used to arrange sedorim for Jews who came from Russia.
By the sedorim we served Shmurah Matzah, but what type of matza did we give them to take home for the rest of yom tov.
We gave each family 5 pounds of manuschewitz matzos.
Yes the first time I saw 100 packages of 5 pounds I was shocked, but while we don’t eat it, the question is, is it kosher?
When you convince someone to keep kosher and there is no glatt kosher butcher in their neighborhood, are you going to tell them they have to make a 75 mile drive to the closest glatt kosher butcher shop?
You will ascertain where the meat in the local kosher butcher comes from, and if it is reliable it is good.
The same thing is for mezuzos. If you need a new mezuzah now, I assume that you won’t purchase one for your house less than 150 or possibly much more. But if you convince a Jew to put up a mezuzah on their front door are you going to inform them that they can buy one for half the price, as well.
I hope you understand what I am trying to convey and this clarifies it to a certain extent, but as noted if you still need clarification I would advise you to discuss it with someone who you are comfortable to voice all your questions and they will clarify it to you.
Mushkie
Thank you, Rabbi, for taking the time to respond. I appreciate that you validate my question and replied with guidelines and insight. Of course I still need to explore the topic further, as you suggested. It’s very difficult to find a rabbi that has the patience, knowledge and dialog to respectfully discuss with.