“Happy First Birthday Dearest Shaina A’H”

Born one year ago to Yoni and Kesem Hetsrony, little Shaina brightened the world for just a short time before returning her soul to heaven. On her first birthday, her mother pens a heartfelt letter of thanks, and longing.

Happy first birthday dearest Shaina a”h!

Your far too short but impactful life is testimony to the power of your holy neshoma. You highlight the strength we each possess to change the world. If you can bring about so much light in 7 short weeks, we surely can each affect positive change through our own unique way and circumstances.

Birthdays are for celebrating, so we went out in your honor. I specifically chose table #18 because 18 stands for life, and your life is one I am so blessed to have birthed and taken care of.

I refuse to think of what could have or should have been if you were still here. There is no could have or should have. There is only Hashem’s Master plan. Where you are, from your holy abode above, you have clarity and understanding.

But in my Galus reality it’s impossible to understand and always see the good. And that makes things so hard. Some days are really hard. Especially because they are without you.

But I am left with choice.

I have the choice to continue to believe and trust in His Master plan, and I cleave to that.

I have the choice to choose life – “ubachartem bchaim” – and I choose a life of Torah, love, laughter, and light.

I have the choice to do good. To share, to improve, to learn, to teach, to uplift, and to inspire. And I try. I really do, even though I know there’s so much more I can do and so much better I can become.

And so even on the hardest days, amidst tears, frustrations, and challenge, I move forward. And as I try to count my blessings – I realize they are BH endless, and so I choose to see the good. To look for the good. To be the good.

Honestly, as I write this even, it seems impossible. How are we able to do this?

Simply it’s because this is part and parcel of our spiritual DNA. Maaseh Avos Siman Lebonim.

I look into this week’s Parsha at Yaakov Avinu, finally on the road, having left his wicked father-in-law. His biggest worries center on meeting Eisav.

Little does he know the tragedies that await. As he journeys, after years apart, he hears the news of his dear mother’s passing. Then, his most beloved wife Rachel tragically dies in childbirth. And when he finally returns to settle in Eretz Yisroel, instead of finding serenity and calm, he experiences years of mourning the loss of his precious son Yosef.

Shaina, shortly before you were born, we too journeyed. It was one of the hardest times in my life until we finally settled. I was desperately seeking serenity and calm. Three weeks later you were born, and filled our home with your special light and a joy I cannot even describe.

And 7 short weeks later, just as Yaakov mourned his Yosef Hatzadik, I began to mourn for you, my Shaina Hatzedekes.

Yaakov Avinu is known as the choice amongst the Avos, as he raised a family and thus a nation wholly devoted to Hashem. Despite his hardships, the goal and vision never wavered.

Yaakov is Tiferes, the beautiful harmony of Chesed – loving kindness, and Gevurah – strength. Perhaps it is through the hardships that we learn to straddle the two…

And things most definitely don’t have to remain hard! Why even Yaakov and Yosef reunite! And there is so much blessing and goodness that unravels from the depths of their experiences.

Dear Shaina so will it be with us!

We too will see the good! We too will reunite!

The word “Golah” exile, has almost the same letters as “Geulah” redemption. The only difference is the aleph of Geulah. Because specifically here in this awful dark Galus, when we search for the Aleph, the Eched, the One and Only Hashem, we discover and bring forth Geulah.

So the good is here all along. And I will keep searching for it. I will keep believing in it. I will keep sharing it.

I have big plans to change the world, but among them I remember it’s the smallest things that can make all the difference.

Just like the power and light of one little flame.

I will keep shining your light and encourage others to do the same. Together we’ll ignite the fire in each other’s soul, until the whole world will be filled with Hashem’s holy light, laughter, love, and life!

So L’chaim my dearest Shaina.
I can’t wait to celebrate together in person very soon!

With endless love from my world to yours,

Mommy