Our Mashpia, Reb Yoel on Rebuking Friends

The following excerpt is from Rabbi Chaim Dalfin’s upcoming book, “Our Mashpia”, which highlights Life-Lessons for the average person.

In 1987 my wife and I were living in Marin County, California as Shluchim-emissaries of the Rebbe.^[1] From time to time we would return to our home base, Crown Heights, Brooklyn to be with the Rebbe. This was a kind of “recharging our batteries.” On one of my return visits, I met a childhood friend who I respected very much. Upon seeing him I was baffled. I noticed he trimmed his beard and grew longer than usual hair. I was incensed, thinking to myself, we grew up together and we both know how a Chasid should conduct himself. Why are you rebelling? I desired criticizing him strongly.

After exchanging niceties, I walked away angry, hurt and disappointed. I went to our Chasidus teacher and mentor, Reb Yoel to ask his advice on how I should deal with this. I recall as I was walking Reb Yoel home, down Kingston Avenue towards his house, he told me, “zog nit kein vort,” do not say a word. Under no circumstances are you to scold him about his beard, modernity and long hair. Just show him love and friendship. I listened, although it was very hard for me. A few years later I saw him again and his beard was untrimmed, his hair was the norm for a Chabadnik and he was a pillar of the community. 

Reb Yoel supported his advice by telling this story.

It was sometime in the 1960s when the Rebbe suggested to a Chabad Chasid, Reb Meir Blizinsky of Eretz Yisrael, to teach Tanya to a famous Israeli writer, Avigdor Hameiri (1890–1970), an Israeli writer and poet. After years of teaching him, he still had not made his kitchen kosher or worn Tefillin. Blizinsky was losing his patience. He wanted to scold him but decided to check with the Rebbe. The Rebbe told him he should not say a word just continue teaching him Torah. Blizinsky listened although it was very hard for him to do so. The end was the writer became an observant Jew and even wrote letters to the Rebbe, something unusual for a former left-wing Israeli communist, who grew up in Russia and whose ideology was anti-Torah.

^[1] The Rebbe sent us there in July of 1984 only five months after our marriage. See my books, Chabad House and The Invisible Hand for many of our experiences.