The Pros and Cons of Boarding Schools

Question: We are Shluchim in a small town that does not have frum infrastructure. Our children are getting older and they need to be in a proper school (online school does not work for us). There is a frum community a few hours away from us. We are faced with two options: (1) I — the mother — would move with our children to the city and we would go back to our city from time to time. (2) My children could board with a local family. Which one is more ideal?

Answer: This is a very difficult decision, as each side has emotional components. I will try to address the direct question and then share some other guidance of the Rebbe that deal with children being away from home. The following is a letter of the Rebbe to a woman in a similar situation in the year of 5715 (1955):

“In response to your letter of the 9th of Teves … in which you explain that it is very difficult to give your children frum education in your city, and you are faced with two options: (1) You will move to Gateshead (a very frum community) with all your children and your husband will stay in your current city for business. (2) You will send the two older children to Gateshead alone, but it will be hard as they are still relatively young.”

“In my opinion, you should choose the second option. It is not the proper lifestyle that the husband will be in one place and the family in the other. The option that children will travel to a place of better education is a much more acceptable option, especially in recent years. I am sure that in Gateshead you can find a proper (boarding) home that will take care of all the needs of the children. While it is true that there will be yearning (homesickness) at the beginning, the Torah still instructs us to exile yourself to a place of Torah as Torah education is not just about gaining Torah knowledge, rather (without it) is a question if the person will follow a Torah-true lifestyle.

“Another additional benefit about living in your current city with your husband, is that you can both works as a team to make your current city more observant.” (Igros, Vol. 10 p. 229; #3193).

Gaining Independence

While sending children away from home presents its own set of challenges, there is a very practical benefit: The child learns independence and the ability to live on their own and face the consequences of their own decisions. In a letter of the Rebbe written to a young woman that wanted to leave Israel for a year to go “find herself,” the Rebbe discourages the idea and then tells her to find herself by investing in the education of the youth in Eretz Yisroel. Then, the Rebbe adds:

“If it is true in your case, like we see in many homes, that the attention and the love given by parents to children living with them takes away the ability of the child to reveal their own talents and abilities, you should set yourself up (in the new teaching job) [in an arrangement] that for the first few months you should be living away from your parents and you will then have to make life-decisions on your own without relying on the direct guidance of your parents.” (Igros, Vol. 11 p. 345; #3730).

Sending girls out of town to learn:

In the early 1950’s the Rebbe sent Rabbi Shlomo Matusof A”H to Morocco. Rabbi Matusof started sending groups of young boys to learn at the Yeshiva in Paris, France. He had an idea to send a group of young girls to Beis Rivka in France.

The Rebbe responded to the idea thus:

“You must carefully analyze the situation from two vantage points: [First,] observe if the girls have strong obedience and discipline. It is obvious that the discipline in Beis Rivka is weaker than the discipline in Tomchei Temimim. In addition, the achrayus (responsibility) is greater with young girls than with young boys …. Thus I do not see the need for a girl of 12 or younger to go to Paris. In addition, you must have an honest conversation with the hanhala of Beis Rivka and clearly outline to them the needs and necessary oversight of these young girls and see if they are equipped to deal with it. Once you work out the above, before making a final decision, let me know the discussion.” (Igros, Vol. 9 p. 74; #2686)